Below was my Eulogy at Betty's service on Sept. 20th:
Thanks everybody for coming today. This is exactly what Betty wanted – for all her friends to gather together to celebrate her life, so I know she must be here with us today.
I first met Betty in 1995 in Philadelphia at the home a friend, Xiao Yue (who is here today), where she was staying at the time after moving from Miami. I was a PhD student at Penn and she was working there as a researcher. I was not an out-going person that likes to talk to people, but we hit it off right away. In Chinese it is called 相见如故. Later I found out that actually it was not just me - many of you had the same feeling/experience. We found ourselves a lot to talk about despite having very different background.
The second time we met was after a while she played matchmaking. She invited me to her new place and introduced me to another girl. No worries she is not here today. But we ended up talking a lot more between ourselves. We found our connection. We were so attracted to each other. We ended up getting together more often and talked a lot more. The more I learned about her the more I admired her. Before I met her, I had a very simple and happy life. I was loved by my family and was always a good student at school. I cannot recall any difficult or bad thing ever happened to me in my life. But hers was totally different. She told me so many stories about the hardships she endured from her family, society, personal and professional life both in China and the US, and above all the pain and diseases she had to live with. She had auto immune diseases and severe endometriosis since she was a teenager. She was living with pain all the time. But she refused to be defined by the disease she had. For those of you only got to know her in recent years, remember this was before she had cancer. However, despite all these difficult circumstances, she had such a passion for life. For example, she would go to the Disney World to enjoy the day before surgery, because she said she was not sure if she would still have another chance to enjoy it afterwards. She wanted to see the world. When I met her, she had already been to like 45 states. I myself had only been to New York City and Washington DC. She said she would like to take me to see the world. And I said I would like to help her to fill in the rest of the map where she hadn’t been to. In one word, I was totally blown away by her, not because of the tough life she had but the passion she had for life despite all those difficulties. I had never met someone as strong and positive like her. In her I seemed to have found the purpose of life. I felt that by helping her I would achieve the purpose of my life as well.
Initially our relationship was pure platonic even after we move in together. My parents and kid are here and I am being recorded so I’d better be careful what I say. We were best friends. She was like a big sister to me as I told my best friends in China at the time. They said I must have fallen in love but I just did not know it. Actually she had a boyfriend and another admirer at the time. But I did not think they were good enough for her, so basically I told them to get lost.
There were two main things in our daily lives during those days in Philadelphia: one was her disease – endometriosis. Before I met her, I had never even stepped in the door of a hospital. Now I found myself taking her to see doctors and hospitals frequently. She had surgeries which helped somewhat for a short while but not completely. The doctors could not really figure out what to do. She refused to take strong pain killers like morphine type, because those made her feel worse. So, basically she was a person living with pain constantly. But that did not stop us from enjoying life. Every weekend we would find somewhere new to explore. We checked out all the interesting places around Philadelphia, NYC, Washington DC that were reachable by car. She just had so much energy and strength when it came to traveling for fun. She said I was the only match she ever found, who can drive and walk around whole day without eating or even going to bathroom and still have fun.
We were an unconventional reunion, especially in Chinese culture which she did not like and that was why she wanted to stay in the US. She was much older than me, although she always said her psychological age was much younger than mine. That is probably true. I often said she was too naïve, still dreaming like a little girl. Most importantly, neither of us cared about what other people think, so we got married on December 24th, 1998. The next day we flew to San Francisco for our honeymoon, because it was Christmas day and the flight was cheaper. That was our life. We did not have much money at the time but we had a lot of fun traveling. We mostly stayed in motels of $20 per night using coupons that we got from resting areas along the highways. She knew all these tricks. The most expensive one we stayed was when we visited Boston. Just a couple weeks ago, we drove by the Inn at Bedford when we visited Brian’s teacher Mrs. Eisner. Betty immediately recognized that was where we stayed. It was like $70. We could not find anything cheaper.
After I finished PhD from University of Pennsylvania, I got my first job at Boston. So, Betty quit hers and moved here with me. We got more money and went to see more places further away, Paris, Prague, California, Arizona, Grand Canyon and many national parks in that area that are even more amazing, Bryce Canyon, Capital Reef, Monument Valley, Canyon land … There were so many memorable trips. I remember when were in the Arch National Park, we did not have enough time to hike closer to the most famous arch and we said we have to come back. Someday I have to take Brian there again. And we will take Betty with us to fulfill that promise.
After moving to Boston, initially Betty worked at Harvard school of public health in Laurie Glimcher’s lab. She really liked and admired Laurie, so much that she actually turned down a better paid industrial job to work for her. She just said she had to work for her, because she had the feeling that Laurie will be an important person in her life. There was just a special bond between two strong women. There she also made friends with Suzanne, Dorothy …
After working for Laurie for three years, she got another job at AstraZeneca which was really close to where we lived in Waltham. She could not and did not want to leave Laurie completely and ended up still working part time for her over the weekends to take care of transgenic mice. One of the fun things she enjoyed doing at AZ was to organize the activities club, like outings to Six Flags and Kimball Farm. I remember I first met Yang Wei, who is going to speak later today, at Boston Ballet. And she made many of friends from those days who are here today.
Then she went to Novartis when NIBR started in Cambridge, partly thanking to Laurie who recommended her to Mark Fishman, the president of NIBR, which was pretty unusual for the low level position she had. The most important thing happened to us at Novartis was not about work but the birth of Brian. Because she had severe endometriosis and so many surgeries, the doctors basically told her that it was impossible for her to conceive a child, even with modern technology. But somehow she got pregnant naturally and gave birth to Brian at the age of 45. She always said that is a record for first born. For those of you who know Betty well, she loves to be the record. But regardless whether this is a record, it was nothing short of miracle. She always called Brian a miracle baby, in fact that is part of his Chinese name.
Betty’s health actually improved with Brian’s birth, which is typical for endometriosis patients. We enjoyed a few years of relatively peaceful life. So more travels! We took Brian everywhere even before he can walk, Paris, Barcelona, Venice, Florence, Bahama, and of course the Disney world. He probably does not remember all those places. But you know Betty - she took a lot of pictures and videos for us to remember. Of course she made more friends at Novartis. Many of you are here today too. That includes Donghui, whom you received the invite from. She later referred me to Novartis too. So Betty and I worked in the same company for a while.
After Novartis she went to Pfizer RTC. Many of her former colleagues are here today. No offense to Novartis and AZ, but the first day after she came back from work, she said RTC was so much better. It was a small community and people were very nice to each other. I remember even long after RTC disappeared, you guys had a few gatherings. Again she made many friends, like Lucy, who would bring something every time she came to our house like fruits, cake, and bread. I also remember Betty was very into the Healthy Pfizer program, which basically gave you gifts for just exercising. So, she was quite healthy in the beginning, taking long walk to get those healthy points. But then her health started to deteriorate again, presumably because of recurrent endometriosis. She was undergone surgeries a couple of times including hysterectomy, but they did not help much. She feared that there must be something else wrong causing the pain, but the doctors either did not believe her or just could not find out. She had to take two short-term disability of six months each.
Her job was affected too. She had to look for positions somewhere else because RTC was closing down. She actually had an opportunity to stay in this area but she really liked the DSRD group in Groton, Connecticut after she interviewed. Many of her former colleagues travelled here today. Although she was not there for long, she again made good friends. I stayed in Boston for my job. Brian went to the school there with her. They rent a small apartment near Hole in the wall in East Lyme, basically right on the beach, so that was a nice living experience. I went back and forth between Boston and CT every weekend.
Then it came February 9, 2011, the saddest day of my life. I just finished two interviews of new jobs, feeling pretty good about myself. I ordered valentine present and went to see them in CT. That night Betty sat me down quietly and told me calmly that she had been diagnosed stage IIIb ovarian cancer. Actually she had been hospitalized for a week, but she did not want to tell me because she did not want to affect my job interviews. She did not tell Brian either but instead told him that she was going to be on the Amazing Race, a favorite TV show that Brian and I enjoyed watching together. Brian stayed in Luo Lina’s house. So, when she got the horribly news of having cancer, which probably would knock down most people, not only she did not panic, she handled it herself and did what she thought would be the best for Brian and myself. I was a bit numb when I first heard the news, but it really hit me hard when I drove back to Boston in tears. She was always sick and in pain, but I never thought it could be life-threatening. This time was totally different.
The hospital in Connecticut was not equipped to treat her. We decided to bring her back to Boston to get treatment, but we wanted Brian to finish his school. So for the next four months, Jinhai, Xuehui, Lehong, XiaoYue, Zhao Yan, Jiansu, XiaoXiang all used their own vacation time to travel to Connecticut to take care of Brian for a week or longer. Every time we had a change of guard, Brian would ask jokingly, who is coming next week, another friend, how many friends do Mommy have. Brian, look around here today, if all mom’s friends come, you can stay there for a very long time. That was probably the most difficult time for Brian, being separated from us knowing mom was really sick. He only got to see us over the weekend. Having the play date in his best friend Henry’s house with Xiaogang’s family every week also helped. And many other friends in Connecticut also helped us.
Betty said most people are probably scared to death by cancer, but she won’t be. She said if this was what she had, she wanted to be the best patient. Remember she always wanted to be the best. She was unlucky, misdiagnosed and mistreated. It was hard because she was a doctor herself. She knew about her body and how she should be treated. There was a constant struggle with the medical staff. I used to disagree with her and thought she should just listen to the “experts”. Later I realized more and more that she was right. There were quite a few times she saved herself because she insisted. Her medical knowledge really helped herself and other patients too. I read a few best-selling books related to this. A doctor cannot be a good one unless he or she had the experience of being a patient him/herself. Betty fought very hard for herself against what she called the system. She left tons of notes in her diary and other writings. I intend to write a book for her as she had wished.
Betty was on long-term disability after being diagnosed with cancer. She could not get back to work anymore. But if you know her, she did not want to just be sick at home. She had become a self-taught artist. She crocheted hats and she made scarves and lots of hand jewelry, which many of you had purchased for charity. She became very active in helping other patients, in many different ways. Most importantly she was able to inspire others with her own story of survival. When she helped others, it lifted her spirit as well. She went to Dana-Farber, where she met Mary and other friends and patients, who inspired one another. I will leave it to Mary to describe what they did there. Then she found Yawkey family Inn to start an art and craft program for patients of Boston Children’s hospital and their families staying there. I will leave this to Kayla to describe their work there. Here I also want to specifically thank Sailing Heals, a charity organization that Trisha founded, in which volunteer captains take out patients and their families for a sail.
It was very important for Betty to get Brian involved as well. Together they did two very successful charity sale events at Brian’s elementary school two years in a row, selling hats and ornaments that they made themselves. Thank Mrs. Eisner and many other teachers and friends for helping out. Brian really enjoyed going to the craft class in Yawkey Family Inn of Children’s hospital every week with Betty. That is why I am determined to keep taking Brian there and hopefully keep the program running with the help of Kayla. Just a few months ago, Betty was honored to be one of the 100 anti-heroes at MGH not only because of her own courageous fight against cancer but also her charity work in helping so many other patients. She was so happy that she made it this year.
Even cancer cannot stop her from having fun. Just like she always did, every time she got a little better, had a small break, like between chemos or surgeries, we would try to go somewhere. So, in the past three years, we went to Hawaii again, this time Kuai. We took a cruise around the island and even took an amazing helicopter ride just like in the movie Jurassic Park. We took a trip to San Francisco and San Diego visiting the zoo, Sea World and Lego Land there. She did three cruises, one with me and Brian to the Caribbeans, Mexico, another to Canada, and third one to Europe, Russia Norway, with Lehong. We also spent a few very nice days in Puerto Rico. Later she was pretty much bound to wheelchair. I was somewhat reluctant to travel and thought we would better go when she can walk more, now I really wish I had taken her to even more places. The one place she really wanted to visit but did not was Santorini in Greece. She actually once booked a trip a few years ago but cancelled it because she got an interview at Biogen. This is a lesson you should remember. Never cancel a vacation because of job. You can always find another job but you may not have the same vacation. Someday when I am ready, I would like to take her to Santorini, or Brian will.
Now it comes to the hard part to say goodbye. In the last few weeks, maybe it was because I started to get scared that I might lose her for real. I started questioning myself, what would she do for me if I were her. The answer is very clear - she would try everything possible to save me. I wish I had her strength. I wish I could help her one more time. I wish I were the superman. And I wish I had the time machine to bring her back to life. Don’t worry - even though I am a scientist, I am not a crazy scientist. But boy I wish I am crazy enough to invent something like that.
Many friends say these past few years must be hard on me, because I had to keep working while taking care of her and Brian. As it got close to the end, she needed me more and more, driving, walking and even getting up to go to the bathroom. But just as she passed away, I realized that I need her much more than she needed me. It was really her carrying me not the other way around. Remember I told you that when I met her I felt that I had found the purpose of life. Sometimes that tends to get forgotten when you live together and deal with all kinds of practical issues with daily life. However, just as she was passing away, I realize how true that still is. I feel that I have lost the purpose of life. I feel this enormous pain and emptiness in my heart. When Betty was in pain, there was nothing I could do. Sometimes I wished that I could share her pain. Now I just realized that I’ve got my wish. I took the pain away from her! So I am glad that I can feel the pain now because she is in a better place with no pain. I am glad that she took my heart away so it can keep her company and in some ways we are still together.
She said to me that I will never find someone else who loves me as much as she does. I used not to think too much of it. But just as she passed away I realize how true that is. Even when she was close to the end of her life and when she was in unbearable pain, all she thought about was how to make my life and Brian’s easier without her. She also said to me that the best thing she gave me is our son Brian. But just as she passed away, I realize that that is not true. The best thing she gave me was herself! And she gave me almost twenty years of her. What more can I ask?!
