Yesterday was your 4 year anniversary. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. I still want to be selfish and say that I wish you were still here with us. But I know in my heart you’re where you need to be. You’re finally with Nana and Marvin, like you’ve wanted for so long. I know you only wished for that because of your daily suffering. I would have given anything to take your pain away. Both physically and emotionally. It hurt so much to hear you cry and not be able to help. I tried with some of the emotional pain but he never responded. I’m trying to get passed it mom but it still hurts me so much to know that you died thinking he hated you. I don’t know if I can get passed that. I am trying.  I will continue to try. I know that’s what you always wanted from me. No one seems to understand though. They’re not the ones that held you while you cried asking “why does he hate me so much?”  They didn’t hear all the hurt in your voice. I wish I could have given you the reconciliation you so desperately wanted. 

I don’t have to tell you how great Paul is doing cuz I know you haven’t left us and you see everything. I’m so proud of him. I’m never thought I’d be where I’m at now doing what I’m doing but I do love it. 

I miss you so much mom.  Paul and I are so proud by what you did when you passed. I know I tell people that ask me about you about the life you saved and the lives you’ve changed. I know that was something you always wanted. I honestly didn’t expect anything less from you. Giving all of yourself until your last breath. That’s who you were. 

Until we see each other again I will try to be like you everyday.                                         I love you lady

Hey young lady, just thought I would stop by and tell you Happy Birthday!  You must have been thinking about me because I had a dream last week that I got to hug your neck again!!!  And as always you had the biggest smile on your face.  I love you and miss you....until I see you again!

With love.... 

It's been quite some time since I have written on here, although I talk to you every day.  I miss you so much!!!  It's been a huge adjustment for Emma and I without you here.  We are closer than we've ever been nowadays but there is still a large part of us that is missing.  We are managing our careers and keeping busy. 

I'm slowly putting things back together for myself after my so-called marriage so that I can move on emotionally. I hope you send that special person my way sometime soon.  I get lonely but know that I am not ready. I am still bitter, she really did a number on me, but I know in order to move on and trust someone again I need to let that go. Some are "gifted" with not having a conscience and taking advantage of people. My gift, to a fault, in this case, is that I loved the wrong person too deeply.  I'm being patient, though.

Emma is doing awesome at the clinic. She shares stories with me all the time and I have to say, I couldn't do what she does. She works crazy hours but loves it.  She is learning so much there, she is going to continue to do great whether she stays there or moves on. So proud of her!!

Well Mom, just wanted to say Hi and share a few things.  I miss being able to pick up the phone and call you or get a random text from you.  :-(

Love you with every ounce of me!  Talk to you soon.

Sorry this is late......Happy Mother's Day!

I went to see our girl walk across the stage and graduate doing what she loves to do.  I know she wanted you there in person but you were definetly there is spirit. We are all so very proud of her!   Please continue to look over Paul and Emma, and have no fear I will (or try to) keep them two in line.  It is a full time job, but I would not have it any other way!

I love and miss hearing your voice and can't wait to see you again.

Until then......

Hugs and Kisses  

Tracy 

Hi mom,

This holiday season has been far from merry. This year has been filled with challenges that I have had a hard time dealing with, your passing and losing my wife/family.  Losing you has had the biggest impact on me both personally and emotionally. I miss so many things about you but the part that I have the most difficult time with is knowing you were a phone call away or a quick 20-minute drive to get a hug, talk, have you tell me "everything would be OK mijo". The way you would touch my face and tell me you loved me and wait at the door every time I would leave the house, bless me and wave bye.  I find myself looking back at the door when leaving the house still and now Emma is there waving bye (I love that she does that) but I can still see you there too. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away.

Being a husband/father has always been what I feel is one of my life's callings.  I loved having that title and responsibility.  You taught me to be loyal and to love wholeheartedly. Those are the things that made me who I am but as much as I wanted things to work, there were always competing factors that prevented her and me from finding our way.  My love for her runs deep, she will always be very special to me.

These two events in my life have forever changed me. The holidays will never be the same...

I love you, Mom.

Talk to you later.


 

I miss you so much.  You've been gone for 8 months now. it's still so hard for me to fully accept that. so many times I get excited about something and I start to go to your room to tell you. i still feel you with me all the time. I know you always will be.  But nothing beats being able to go lay next to you and just talk, about everything and about nothing. Every time I get a good grade on a test I can see you smiling and telling me how proud you are.  No matter what I do I know you will always be right there cheering me on.  I will try my best to never let you down.  

You'll be proud of Paul. I would never have been able to do as well as I have in school if it weren't for him.  He helps me with whatever I need so I don't have to rush out and get a job. I can spend my time on studying. Its paying off. As of right now I have a 4.0 GPA.  I couldn't do this without him. 

We have become a lot closer these past few months.  I love that.  But I hate the fact that we had to lose you to do so.  We both miss you very much.  All we have is each other now.  I promise you, we will take care of each other.

love and miss you so very much mom. I will continue to talk to you everyday. 

Mom,

This week is Thanksgiving and your birthday. It's going to be tough but every day has been since you passed.  Emma and I talk about you all the time and we have gotten so much closer.  I am so proud of her and I am sure you are as well.  She is doing so good in school!  She got a 100% on her final last week.  I smiled so big when she told me how well she did. I am doing my best to make sure she stays focused on her studies and help her as much as I can. I am doing well, staying active, healthy and focused on being a better me. 

I will check back in on Friday to wish you a Happy Birthday Mom.

Remembering you is easy, I do it everyday. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away.

I love you!

Pa-poli  

Today is Marvin's 15 year anniversary.  Yesterday was your 5 month. I think of you so much, miss you more each day.  Every morning when I wake up I have a brief moment when everything feels like usual, then it hits me. I never really thought I would miss the little things as much as I do.  Went to the Dr today and when I came out I bent my right arm a little, that was when you would usually slip your arm in and steady yourself as we walked.  When I realized what I had done I sat in the car and cried for a little bit. I will always bend my right arm a bit so you can slip your arm in, I'd like to think that you will forever be by my side.

I Love You 
Miss you more and more everyday. 

This morning I was driving to work after a rough weekend of feeling down and not looking forward to going into the office.  I think about you all the time but Sunday was a particularly rough day.  I miss family, in every sense of the word.  I miss being able to come see you, talk to you, hug you and just hear your voice.  I miss marriage and being a part of my own family.  I miss Kalina, now that she is getting older we don't talk as much.  I was really feeling down and without purpose.  I remember after every phone call and every visit you would say to me, "God Bless You Mijo, Dios Le Bendiga" both English and in Spanish. Every time without fail I knew I would hear those words from you.

As I am driving this morning trying to snap myself out of my mood and thinking about you, a car switches lanes in front of me.  In front of me now is a truck carrying a freeway sign and on the back of the tailgate and trailer I see those words...God Bless You - Dios Le Bendiga. I got goose bumps and thought to myself, there you are telling me it's going to be alright and that you were there with me. Simply reading those word I could hear your voice in my head and feel your presence.

Thank you for always helping me see through the adversity and for always blessing me with your faith and love.

I miss you so much Mom.

Momma,

I know I know I can hear you now....what's wrong come talk to me!  The awful thing is I can't and it hit me hard today.  I could always count on you for advice and wisdom.  I need some answers and wish so much I could call and talk to you.  You always said everyone mourns differently and at different times and today was my time.  I never thought I would have to say goodbye to you.  I want you to know I made a promise to Emma that I will always be here for her until we all meet again.  You would be so proud of her, she has filled your shoes when it comes to needing a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to me.  I spent 2 weeks out there with her and had so much fun, don't worry I am still the "crazy white girl" you have known and loved for 22 years!  Can you believe that?  

I love and miss you so much and we will talk later I promise! 

Hi Mom,

Three months ago I lost the most important person in my life.  I truly miss your love, support and how you always had a way of making me feel better no matter how I was feeling. I spend time on the weekends with Emma at the house and it still feels like you are there. Her and I are much closer now, we are all we have now.

You are always in my thoughts and forever in my heart.

I love and miss you so much! 

I awoke 20 min ago (1:55am) from a dream of you.  It felt so real.  I woke up crying and I havent been able to stop.  I was asleep and you walked into my room and asked me for a pain pill.  I handed you my bottle with my right hand and told you to take what you needed.  I remember not being able to take my eyes off of you because I couldnt believe you were here.  You looked at me and grabbed my left hand and started crying.  You leaned in and put your cheek on my forhead and cried, you kept saying over and over, "Im so sorry mija." I started crying and it woke me up. So now I sit here just listening to your song.  Im glad I finally saw you.  I miss you so much! My heart hurts everyday knowing that I cant go lay in bed with you and tell you about my day.  I still do it but it just isnt the same. I will forever talk to you telling you about my day.  I cant wait to see you again, to hear your voice.  
I want to hear our morning routine again,

Me: " I love you lady bye bye."
You: "Bye little girl, love you too. Have a good day."
Thats been our thing for years. 
I miss my best friend!!!!

I Love You Lady! 

I am so glad I found this video, it's all I have of you, your voice and seeing you at your happiest with the little ones.

I love and miss you so much Mom.

Paul 

Hi Mom,

I was visiting with Emma and Lori on Saturday and Emma found a song she wanted me to listen to and add to this site.  I did and boy did it hit me hard that night. The lyrics are beautiful and very fitting.

Dani and Lizzy - Dancing in the Sky 

VERSE 1:
What does it look like in heaven
is it peaceful and free like they say
does the sun shine bright forever
have your fears and your pain gone away

PRE HOOK:
cause Here on earth it feels like everything.. good is missing, since you left
here on earth everything is different, there is an emptiness

HOOK:
I hope you're dancing in the sky
I hope you're singing with the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived

VERSE 2:
Tell me, what do you do up in heaven
are your days filled with love and light
is there music? is there art and invention
tell me are you happy and more alive

PRE HOOK:
cause Here on earth it feels like everything.. good is missing, since you left
here on earth everything is different, there is an emptiness

HOOK:
I hope you're dancing in the sky
I hope you're singing with the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived 

We love and miss you so much Mom! 

Hi Mom,

I had a dream about you the other night. I was at the house with Emma going through some stuff. I walked into your room and saw you lying in bed on your stomach with your head turned towards me. I stood there looking at you and you jumped out of bed and said, "I'm OK mijo, they were wrong. I'm OK".  I quickly woke up not knowing what to think other than this was your way of telling me you were OK.  It took me a while to go back to sleep so I began talking to you as I was lying there but I eventually fell back to sleep.

I loved seeing you and hope you come to see me again soon.

Love you.

Paul

Where does the time go these days...  I still feel your presence and would like nothing more than to reach over and hug you. I miss you so much but I know you are with me. If I could wish one thing it would be to hear you call my name. 

God has you in his arms, but I have you in my heart.

Talk to you soon.

Love you Mom 

Hi mom,

It's still hard to believe you are no longer here with us. Some things that never occured to me a month ago have hit me hard now. For example, the ease of picking up the phone to call you, sending you a good morning text or a midday Thinking About You, planning a weekend visit to come by and hangout for a little while and chat or watch TV lying next to you or just hearing you call me mijo. All of these things that people take for granted are never realized until you lose the one closest to you.

I will talk to tonight as I do every night.

Love you,

Paul 

Mom,

I was going through some of my old texts and found one you sent me recently that was out of the blue. I was sitting in a meeing and got this:

You: Hi Mijo, Love you God Bless
Me: Love you too mama, you just made my day!
You: Thinking of you always makes mine

I saved this text because it meant so much to me. Now it means even more...

Thank you for always being my pillar of strength and for always encouraging me to do my best.

Talk to you again soon

Hi Mom,

It has been 5 days since you moved onto a better life. I am certain you are looking down on all of us smiling and pain free but I miss you so much... This is going to be a long process for me (and others) but I take comfort in knowing that you are always by my side in spirit as you were in life.

Remembering you is easy, I do it everyday. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away.

I love you Mom