Love arrives exactly when love is suppose to and love leaves exactly when love must ...

This poem - speaks volumes that only love can hear and only love can mend after love breaks

Sara Kay and Phil Kaye 

The moving forward but not moving on- there are a lot of everyday moments that under the naked eye are just time passing by but for those who are going through the processes of grieving : days turn into months that turn into years ..

It’s tethered to a promise , or a moment but they are all tangled and entwined  into a life that knows none of those things..

Anything can take you back even if you are moving forward : the video shows forward but if you were to check the thoughts of the this driver she is having a yesteryears moment because that’s where the ghosts will forever be.

#nodriveisadrivewithouttheghosts

You were the reason

It’s been a long time since I gave a shit, not sure I even remember how it feels. But I know it feels better than this. Remember when I used to smile for no reason? I barely do, but I know it didn’t feel like this daily struggle of me, suiting up my armor, zipping this madness inside to make it look soft. 

We almost had it -

When Tony died I made it a point to finish the projects we started or intended to start : I finished the front stairs between tears and a paint brush - no one ever asked why there was a women in the early morning hours painting while crying but in that moment I was grateful.

The foundation that you had been meaning to paint - I took care of 

The yard I mowed and even planted a flower but the last project that would actually be the last purchase we made together with the intention of giving it a new lease on life ..

I saw  old and dirty but you saw a red buffet , the one you always wanted .

Then you died -

I didn’t have many requests but the bumble bee curtains , the dragonfly glass and the buffet are items that I needed ...

As I moved they moved with me but the buffet was shuffled to and fro until I had a place of my own ..

It took a minute and a few helping hands but my commitment to finish what we started has come full circle - this final project has been done since November but it took me several attempts to come and lay it here .

It’s not red my dear as now the buffet represents the glitter and life you had brought into my life and through the workmanship it will continue to sparkle on like a star from heavens sky .

So the curtains are hung , Addy’s Angel graces the wall , The dragonfly’s continue to navigate the way and the buffet is at the center : a piece of you continues to brighten the heart of the house ❤️

May we both rest easy as our job is now done 

You died 12/20/14 and within that instant a piece of us died with you - there are days where we die all over again.

The thing about being blindsided is that your tethered to a world that no longer exists , it’s a ghost land where the days and captured moments repeats by those who live there ; they were alive once but now it’s a dimension that only exists in a compartment of yesterday.

Death happens 

Life happens 

It’s dangerous when we dance with the ghosts because your heart gets both heavy and light at the same time..

I look normal but you are caught between love and loss and living to love - not to be confused with loving someone else but loving yourself more to not give up on the fight of living ...

I am tired and I  am angry , I am sad as well as broken , my scars are the reminder that I survived and I’m still standing although right now busted  on all fours ..

It’s exhausting to lose those of whom you love, as well as it’s a reminder that  another piece of your identity is lost to the land of yesterday .

This song , the singer and the children blindsided me with a easy message : your heart may be black and blue , fight the fight and don’t give up - see it through because that’s what you do ..

Some days are harder than others, often I hold my breath and muddle through- in the days that have passed since I last wrote my father died...I processed it as I did before you died- numb, work needed to be done, and in true fashion the work I did, was the work that got done.. When I got back , I poured myself into work and just tied myself down...

No matter the loss, the circle brings me back to you.

I woke up late the other day, I was deep in a dream and you were there - I suspect that's why I didn't wake up , just a few minute longer to reside in a world that I could not remain but you were as real to me there as you were when you were with me.

No one warns you, the grief it gets easier, but the loss it's a hole in a heart that continues to bleed through. Although they say time heals all wounds , what they fail to say is often the pain remains, the flood gates will open and you will be washed over by the ghosts of yesterday.

I have found that the rage is back - I am angry once again and I'm so damn tired... But the line is short and my tolerance to deal with the stupidity of all the injustices both personal and otherwise is dwindling with each day that passes.

Tony from my private cries at night  to heavens gate, may Gods grace help me fight this fight, carry me through Tony, because I really need to know that all was not lost the day that you died - that the rage will subside and I will seek out the very best of what I deserve not because I am entitled but because the Laura who waited 14 years to find you has not forgotten what it was all for in the first place.

I won’t say I miss you most because I know that I know you are missed in equal amounts , and although time has been gentle on us the loss has had a profound effect on us all and I would suspect when you died a piece of us died with you... 

I saw this picture and said yes with confirmation because I surely understand ...

Happy New Year

The struggle between what was and what will never be again : it is real .

The downward spiral that we face in the month of December : it too is real ..

The possibility’s were all real but alas they will never come to pass ...

I have come to terms perhaps with the permanenence of your death but if i could carve one last message into the sky of shooting stars and whispers in the dark : I would tell you that you were loved tried and true...And if there  was an alternative universe where what could have been actually was , I would have added this to our song list .. The lyrics they just fit all of what we encompassed.

I swear , as I listened , I just stopped breathing, then without warning  the tides came in and washed over me...

As the years pass this time of the year never gets any easier ..

Look to the sky indeed

This is a small passage that couldn’t have said what I have known all along ...

There is no road to take , no flight to catch no train that could possibly find its way back home...

Often times, many of times I get caught up in a story involving a  girl and boy, two unlikely people that had their paths cross for years but it wasn't until the last leg of the race that the smoke had cleared and their they stood.

It is just a song, but how it hit me.... The beginning radiates to the bone, and the tears, they come.

I see clips, they run through my minds eye, and it is there where I often find myself...This video here is of a fictional couple but in my mind, the vision I see is of you and me....Connecticut, The hotel , the diner , running through Walmart, or the quiet moments , the pudding story (:

You are missed, and the music plays and the ghost they dance on.

I could have waited for this to be your year 4 song, but everyday is a reminder that your not here.

The story, our story , the story of us I know it came to an abrupt end ... As I listened to this song through another couples story it was the moments that they had captured on their wedding day that brought me back to the ghosts of yesterday.

You were my home , my safe place from the storm , your broken heart beat for both us ..

Your love for me allowed me to believe in the possibility of unconditional love between a man and a woman..

Our love was not loud or public but we did make moments of ours to last a lifetime , we didn’t have much but we lived large..

You built a home out of love and action, a key, a clost , an ideal - I believed in you and I stood by your side ready to conquer the world with a new found strength..

I believed that all was possible -

I see the ghosts so vividly : what a pair of characters we were even grocery shopping was an adventure but I treasure all those moments ... Getting lost in that crazy hotel in Connecticut , or How we ran through Walmart with our cereal boxes , Cleaning out the garage , The night we ran through the rain , The kiss that left me speechless and without thought , The day when you told me that everything would be ok and we would find a way to get Dakota to Italy , How you put the Christmas Tree up because you knew how important it was to me , or how you took my car to the shop to keep me safe and how you replaced the lightbulb ... So many moments , too many to count , but they were ours .

This song , it was notintended for me but I have claimed it and provided it a new home , a home to house the love that was between two people ..

A lifetime was not ours to have but to the ghosts that reside in yesterday’s memories may they share in the beauty of this song that incompasses all that they were.

Unconditional ❤️

The story of Two people who were never never meant to be, both looking to fill voids in their lives but somehow the universe had a different plan , and these two wandering souls collided and the rest was history -

We are far from the shallow now

The funny thing about grief is that there is no beginning ,and no end ... There are highs and lows and in betweens ... You breath a little easier but then there are moments that the breath gets knocked out and your frozen with the ghosts of yesterday’s past ... 

It doesn’t have to be a monumental event  to take you back into the fold it could be  a smell , a song or what have you ... It’s different for each of us and it could vary day to day ..

This particular day , I found myself at the CVS pressed for time but the goal was to get my script before I started my day and as I briskly flew down the aisle a brick wall I had hit .. It was a Halloween display of cards but only one had caught my eye , and like an anchor it held my feet to the ground , like a boat I drifted in the storm that came in and washed over me and there they were the ghosts of yesterday’s past ... I quickly acknowledged that the  card in view was the same that I had given you on our first Halloween.

That’s our lives today tethered to what was but with each day taking a few more steps forward knowing full well that at any given moment we can be washed over into  the shore bruised ,and tattered...

It was the simple moments that made it all worth it ...

What a heavenly day it will be when we can see you once again..

It’s in the quiet moments, those dark places where the ghosts remain and the broken fragments of my heart can be found that a stillness resides and acknowledges the reality that you are in a far better place ... That if we are honest we know that your heart is free and at peace .. 

I am not jealous but surely if heaven could be on earth then the reruns and what have you’s would seize to play on 

It may be your birthday but this message is a gift from you to me, it has traveled a long distance, as it has come comes through heavens gate, and through the milkyway, directly into this broken heart that is tired and in need of something that money cant buy but painfully reminded that death can take away....

You have seen me in the void, and the depths of my sadness I have held my breath...

This message, I am confident you want me to heed :

Dear Laura ,

I need you to survive, because I need you to run the race....I need you to live fully, completely and intentionally....

Find gratitude on the hard days, find joy in the collateral beauty...

I will be with you in the void, I will be with you in the darkness, and I will be with you as you find your way out... 

4 years ago, you gifted me with a birthday song, a wish if you will ,  that I now turn the pages back in time and gift you my wish, to help you find you way...

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you live,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, more than anything

This is my wish (my wish, for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you (my wish, for you).
May all your dreams stay big (my wish, for you)

Love Always Tony

XO

I love you.  Happy Birthday.

When I look back I often wonder how I managed to muddle through .... Your heart just stopped  but my broke in two... And when the dust settled and the days turned into nights and the world spun,  the heart did heal but where there once was shelter from the storm , now lay an open wound ...

Does it get easier , the living the masking the pushing through : each day is a victory but I would be lying if I told you that often the pushing through is the part that is suffocating.....It hangs on you like whispers in roll of humidity : hot thick n sticky barely breathing and your legs heavy ..

If I had never known love such as ours I suspect the ease of living would be easier , but the fear of never having that kind of love again is numbingly sad...

Living is easier when you never experienced loss .... When I lived my life disconnected , losing was not something I cared about , I kept my distance and ensured that I kept myself only slightly tethered , attempting to live out  the words of Robert Dinero in the movie Heat and make them my own , “ Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner “.  

Yourmom often told me  that you used to say , “Mom I’m working on her , she is a tough nut but im going to keep chipping away , she will crack “

Crack I did , pixie dust , butterflies and hearts but I can tell you if I was the Tin man , the going on would surely be easier ..

A beautiful song this early morning that once again leads me to you ...

https://youtu.be/Y8PWkTnsrCo

The song says it all ❤️