I have so many things I want to write and say to you, but it seems like everytime I want to write it down my mind goes blank. I have been thinking about you a lot lately, and how after 20 years it can still hurt as much as ever.
I hate that I can't remember what youor voice sounds like, or the way you used to smile, and how happy you were when you sang or had your guitar in your hand. I hate that I can't remember the sound of your laugh, I also hate that unless I look at your pictures I can't remember what your face looks like :( and it hurts, but most of all I hate that you weren't here to see me grow up and see the person I have become or ever be able to see, hold or get to know your grand daughter. She is such an amazing girl, you would adore her so much, she is the reason I keep holding on. I was her age when you were taken away from me, but I do remember somthings just like it was yesturday, like how you used to sing me to sleep with " you are my sunshine", everytime I hear that song I cry, the clearest memory I have is how I used to cuddle on your lap and we used to crack peanuts and eat them all the time, Guess what?? I still do that, with my daughter. I also remember going to the beach and one time a boy hit me in the eye cause he wanted the swing I was on and made me cry, and you came over to see if I was okay and gave me a hug and gave the other little boy hell for hurting me. Everyone tells me I was your little Princess :).
Daddy I miss you so damn much, and it hurts so bad. I wish the pain would go away, evern though I know it will never will. Why did you have to leave us, it's not fair, he had no right taking you from you kids, friends, and family, and I want you back. Five years is not long enough. Even if you were still here it would still not be long enough.
I want you to know, I did have a good life though. I was raised good, taught from right and wrong. Mom and Alex have been there for Mikey and I no matter what bullshit we did, and no matter how much we acted. He has been a great dad and you would be proud on how much he has done for us and how much he was there for us, though I am sure you already know, since I know you have been watching down on us every minute of ours lives. Even though you're not here you made sure to keep us safe, and whenever I think of doing something stupid it's like you're here beside me talking to me convincing me not to do it. There has been to many and so many times I have wanted to do something stupid just so I could see you again and to be there with you. But you know what, I know and so does everyone else that I can not do that. There is a little girl here that needs me and I know what it feels like to lose a parent especially at such a young age and I REFUSE to do that to her. I cry myself to sleep way to often, I even wake up and realize that I was crying in my sleep. I try to clear my head from thoughts, and to distract myself from thinking of you, but I have came to the conclusion that it is impossible. I have tried everything.
Lately you have been on my mind mostly when I go to bed which makes it really hard to sleep until I finally cry myself to sleep. Not a damn day goes by where I don't miss you or think or you. I used to go to your grave site and sit there for hours crying and talking to you about everything. I took your grand daughter Emily there with my once, I explained to her who you were, she picked a flower and put it on your stone, It really warmed my heart. I will put a picture of her underneath your stone your stone so you can have your grand daughter close to you.Damn straight when she gets older I am going to tell her everything I know about and remember about you, at the moment she finds it confusing and don't understand why mommy has 2 daddy's lol.
Somedays are harder than others for me, but then I look at my daughter, she can always cheer me up when I am sad. Daddy she holds my whole heart in her hands, she is so amazing, and I wouldn't give her up for anything. I hope you now as much as it hurts that I can't see you or hug you, I am needed down here on earth more than I am needed or wanted up there at the moments. It will be a long ass time before I can see you, hug you, or hear you voice singing me those sweet songs again, but in the long run it will totally be worth the wait. I love and miss you more than anything.
Love Cathy Lee Smith aka Your Poopsi. xoxoxoxoxoxox
