Hi, Artie.  I miss you and I was just sitting here thinking about what I don't know, which is literally everything.  And the older I get, the less I know for sure. But if I could ask the universe one question - and only one question - it wouldn't be "is there really a god?" or "does heaven exist?".  No, the knowledge I am seeking is very simple:  I want to know if you know.

For some unexplainable reason, this has bothered me since the day you died.  And yes, I thought about it that day because it's a big deal to me.  I just want to know if you know you died.

I bring it up now because I read an article last night where the results of a massive study found that there is a good possibility that people retain consciousness for a few minutes after death.  I can't imagine that....well, yes, I can, to be honest.  That would be 3 or 4 minutes of the hardest tripping a person's done in their life, I bet.  Half that time is probably spent in some kind of emotional shock but I think it would be a good thing if it were true.  Because nothing is as depressing to me as the thought that you are completely unaware of what happened.  I would want so much to know everything so I guess I just assume everyone else would to.

They are also on the brink of of proving reincarnation is a real phenomenon.  Children as young as 1 and a half have stunned researchers with knowlege of things they had no way of knowing, etc.  One toddler that age was having his diaper changed by his dad when he looked up at him and said, "You know, I used to change your diaper when I was your age."  Imagine the goose bumps you'd get hearing your child say an adult thing like that.  I'd freak out.  So now I wonder if you're back here already and who you might be with.  Maybe Erica's baby Hunter?  That thought occurred to me right after she had him but that might freak Erica out a little bit.  I bet you miss your sister, too, Artie.  I miss that girl as well - she is a gift to this family, just like Kylie.  Jesus, Artie, I really hope you are seeing her grow up.  There are going to be so many times in her life when she would give up everything just to have you there with her for an hour or two.  What a huge loss that girl suffered before she ever took her first step.  Losing a parent/parents seems like it's going to run in our family - what a tragedy that would be.  Okay, I better go, Artie.  I love you and wish so much that I could sit down and have a conversation with you as an adult.  My greatest regret in life and a vast emptiness that can never be filled.   Wherever you are, I know you're running shit.  Save my spot and please hold off on picking up your mother and brother, okay?  Hug Joshua for me.  Love you.Artie.

Artie hello son. I love you so much and still can barely carry the burden of your absence. To say I miss you is a understatement. I struggle every day to go on in this world. A world that is just pure evil, sense you've been gone. I don't have a relationship with God because I can't keep my mouth shut. I say mean awful things to Him and I fear they are unforgivable. There is no meaning to my life and I tredge thru it every day captive in this shell of a body doing everything I can do to destroy it. Life has no value to me and I will always resent my life here on Earth because I had to live it without you. I'm a sad story Arthur, I definitely don't want any pity I just don't want to forget any detail about you. My memory is continuing to fail me but I did learn, from your brother Austin, that suffering a tragedy like death of a child can wipe out parts of the memory because your brain is trying to cope with the unamaginable. That and going into instant menopause from a total abdominal hystrerectomy. So my days start on the battlefront. I wake up absolutely clueless as to why I went to sleep, what do I have to do today, do I have money, how am I getting there, I remember nothing and it's a chore just to live another day. But not a day goes by that I don't go thru all the emotions when I think of you. I catch a glimpse of the clock at 11:11 all the time and I find comfort in believing you are here on Earth with your troops collecting souls. I believe you are busy all the time because you are working for God, taking orders from Jesus, and one day I hope it will be my soul that you come to collect. I don't want to go to hell and I'm afraid that's where I'm going cause I lash out at your boss every day. You have to come collect your aunt Micheles soul too okay, please don't leave her behind Artie I am counting on you, just because she doesn't believe in God doesn't make her a criminal. She belongs in heaven too. I have to go son cause I need to catch a bus home but please come see me Artie, stay with me a while, let me know you are near. I look forward to your presence. Love Mom

I just got hit by "you" out of the blue and I started crying within seconds - it just never fails to lose its impact.  The sorrow and grief are still so sharp and acute, it seems as though no time has passed at all.  It's just not healing this wound.

The same thought comes to me during times like this - how in the fuck did we lose you, Artie?  How did we unknowingly let go of you?   How do people deal with this shit?  And how is it that the older you get, the harder we take it?  I fight the urge every day to go looking for you, Artie.  It's like I need to know you're okay; I need go know what happened to you when you died and where you went, if we go anywhere at all.  I highly doubt the existence of "life after death" but if there is none, I won't even be aware of it......just like you wouldn't be.  The thought of that is worse for me - I so very badly want you to know what happened on August 21, 2011.  And since then, because nothing has been even remotely close to the same since your death.

Not a single thing in life is better than before - au contraire, Arthur.  It is barely worth living anymore.  The loss we have sustained has taken more than your life - it has taken ours as well.  

I just don't get how women survive what your mother has suffered when she lost you.  I just found out that the son I gave up for adoption at birth - the one I've been hoping would contact me when I sent a message via Facebook - has been dead for 5 years.  He had already died so he never got my message.  That has been devastating enough so I'm completely clueless how your mom made it through.  Joshua was 21 years old, Artie - a year older than you were.  It's like this family is cursed and has been for generations.  Doing the family tree, I've seen many that died somewhat young - 41 to 50 years old.  Not as young as you and Joshua, though.  You two didn't have a chance to experience life.  I don't know how he died, Artie.  I suspect suicide, for some reason.  Or overdose, but maybe that's because of how you died.  I will search for the cause of his death until my death.  Anyway, I need to sign off now and, especially I need to stop crying before someone sees me.  I hate having to explain myself - I just want to grieve in solitude, as always.    I love you, Artie, and I will never stop feeling your loss or the sharp, burning pain that goes along with it.  Hope you're still saving my seat.  Love you, Arthur Llewellyn Van Ben Schoten V, and please forgive my many redundancies.  That will happen in a one-sided conversation such as ours.

Love,
Aunt Michele 

Its been a while since I've written to you, Artie, but its never because I've forgotten you.   Quite the contrary, since its due to separate visits with your mom and now your little brother.  Seeing your mom leaving to go home was rough but she was here over two months so I understood why she needed to go.  Somehow, we made it thru the 2nd anniversary of your death, which was no easier than last year.  It seems to progressively get harder to deal with, which makes no fuckin' sense whatsoever.  But then again, nothing has made much sense to me since the day I got the news about you.

If there is life after death and you are able to "visit", whether they know or not, I figure you must be around since Austin is here.  And I know you would look out for him.  He's doing okay but could be a lot better.  You dying on his 18th birthday was so shocking to those of us who know you both, it was surreal.  Austin says he's honored that you died on his birthday but I'm not sure that's how he really feels.  He will never celebrate his birthday again because of it and I know that has got to make you so sad, Artie.  The other day, I was working on a project when I had a "vision" (for lack of a better word) of you telling Austin, "Don't do it, bro.  You won't like it here."  I want to relate it to him but don't want him to be offended, which he might be.  He's very adept at hiding his feelings and he would never reveal the truth to me.  But you know what he's thinking, I'm sure.  He can't do it, Artie.  Make sure he doesn't do it,please.  It would kill your mother and me.  Well, it will kill what's left of us, which isn't that much after you died.

I love you, Artie.  Please forgive the lapse between letters.  Just know that I think of you every, single day - without fail - and always will. Still shedding tears, too.  Take care and see you soon, nephew.
 

Love, Aunt Michele 

Hi, Artie.  I spoke to your dad for the first time today since you died 2 years ago and it was really hard to hear the pain in his voice.  Actually, I haven't spoken or seen anyone on his side of the family since before you left and it's been mostly unintentional.  I was there with Megan when she told him and it was horrible.  He was locked up and because of that, he couldn't react like he needed to.  I can't imagine anything worse than what he went through at that moment and my heart broke for him.  The helplessness I felt must have paled in comparison to what he endured.  He feels this loss as acutely and deeply as your mom does but he has the added dimension of regret to contend with, and take it from me, that adds another whole chapter to this book of grief.


I told him I don't have any desire to so many things anymore.  For example, I no longer play the lottery because I don't care to win it (not that I would).  Winning it would mean absolutely nothing now.  Of everyone in the family, you would have been the most excited about something like that.  So many things have no meaning anymore.  We all feel like the walking dead.  Who knew you had the power to change so many lives forever, all in that single moment when you passed from this life.  I've always been able to move on relatively well after a loved one's death, mostly because I've been dealing with it since the age of 6 when Mom died.  But not yours, Artie.  Not yours.  I'm just not handling it well at all and I really don't care.  This tragic life event will influence the rest of our lives and there's nothing we can do about it so we might as well embrace it for what it is: our new reality, our new "normal" as you mom puts it.  All we're doing is waiting until our time here is finally over so we can follow you to make sure you're okay.  I'm ready to go anytime - there's no fear here.  It's just that you weren't supposed to know death before us, Artie.  You were supposed to let us go first.


I love you, Arthur Llewellyn VanBenSchoten V.  Please look after Arthur Llewellyn VanBenSchoten IV; he's a broken man who grieves every day for you.  Give him some peace, please.  He deserves it after the life he's had.  And as always, watch out for your mom and brother; help them - help us all - through this tremendous, crushing shroud of grief.  Rage in paradise, nephew, and save a place for me at the table.  Love you.


Aunt Michele         

So here we are, Artie, 2 years from the day that you died.  When I think of how I felt exactly 2 years ago from this moment, the shock and raw emotional devastation comes back tenfold.  I am so sorry that you lost your life and I would do anything - literally anything - to get it back for you.  Never before have I felt such utter helplessness when I realized there was nothing I could ever do to change what happened.  We let you slip away from us and none of us will ever forgive ourselves for that - and it doesn't matter that I wasn't aware of your habit.  If I had been more involved in your life at that point, instead of being devoted to a job that threw us away, I would have known about it.  And because I was there once or twice myself, I would have found a way to help you.  And for that, I am sorrier than you will ever understand.  So much regret I have and that's the hardest to deal with.  That and the thought that you probably weren't aware of how much I loved you.  Why didn't I let you know that when you were still alive?  So much pain, grief and suffering with the loss of you - it's steals the air from your lungs and weighs down the heart so much, it can barely be carried around.

I love you, Arthur Llewellyn VanBenSchoten V and the rest of my life will be spent missing you in a painfully deep way.  I will never let you go.

Love, Aunt Michele

Hi, Artie.  Two years ago today was the last good day of our lives.  We went about our day as usual, probably not being grateful enough, but completely oblivious and unprepared for the heartbreaking tragedy that was about to end our world as we knew it.  The next day would be the final day of your brief existence in this universe and that was enough to end so much in ours.  As you may (or may not) know, Artie, our world came down around us and we're still struggling to find our way out of this hell of overwhelming sadness and grief.  Even now, 2 years later, the tears flow uncontrollably when I write to you.


Forgive me for not writing sooner but your mother has been up here visiting with us for the last 2 months.  She's going thru it right now in a really bad way, understandably, but I don't think I'm any help since I'm shut up in my bedroom crying right now.  Just like the moment when we found out together that you had died - I couldn't stop screaming and neither could she.  My poor stepdaughter was traumatized but it never occured to me what our reaction would do to her - all I could do was to react to the worst thing that has ever happened to this family.  And we are no strangers to death; we're intimately acquainted, actually.  It's been following us around for our entire lives.  I've lost everything from a child to a husband to my best friend of 35 years, not to mention being orphaned by age 13...and that's not the half of it.  But I can state, emphatically and unequivocally, that losing you was the single, most devastating, heart-shattering, life-destroying event of my life and, without a doubt, of your mother's, too.  It's simply something that we will never get over and it will never get better.  Sure, time might pass and maybe, hopefully, the rawness will be less severe at some point in time but the pain will always be as sharp and as shocking as it's always been.


It would have broke your heart to see your family in so much pain and anguish, especially your mother and brother.  I'm so very sorry your life was cut so short and that you never got to fully realize your dream of being a father to Kylie except for a few months.  To this day, I would easily trade my life for yours....if only I would have been given this option.  So many things you never got to experience and never will.  Endless sadness permeates the fiber of my being when I consider everything that your death has affected and it really makes me want to let go, too.  

Remember, tomorrow is also your brother's birthday.  What a catastrophic coincidence.  Austin will be 20 tomorrow....the same age you were when you died 2 years ago.  He won't even celebrate his birthday anymore; he will only celebrate your life.  This has been hell for him, Artie.    It's truly been hell for all of us.  You can't possibly imagine how tortured your mom is by the pain of losing you right now.  Tomorrow is going to be tough - please help us thru it in anyway you can.

Love you so much it hurts, Artie. 


Love, Aunt Michele     

Hi, Artie.  I'm so sorry I didn't make it right back when I said I would.  I got in a funk on your birthday and it lasted a while.  Got back in touch with your mom and she wrote me about your grandmother's visit to the medium.  She told me that "Medium Michele" got thru to you and she pretty much nailed the details.   The medium said that you were trying to reach your mom and "to please tell her to stop crying.  It was my karma.  It was my time."  I researched her and she came off as fake to me but maybe I'm being too critical - who knows.  No one wants it to be true more than me, except your mom, I'm sure.  Artie, her heart is truly shattered and it kills me.  I grieve the loss of my little sister, and who she used to be, so much.  Never in a million years did I ever expect Megan to be "a woman who has suffered the devastating loss of a child".  I simply can't find the words to express just how wrong I think it is to subject her to this particular tragedy.  It should have been me who lost a child, not her.  To this day, almost 2 years later, she still cries hysterically, dropping to her knees and begging you to let her know you're still around and that you are okay.  Please, Artie, do this for her.  If you don't, we're going to lose her, too, and I couldn't bear that.  I wouldn't survive it.  Sorry to write such a downer message to you but I really need your help with this.  It felt like our lives were destroyed the day you died and that still hasn't changed.  A lifetime of grieving is all we can look forward to - I love you, Arthur Llewellyn Van Ben Schoten V.


Love, Aunt Michele 

Happy 22nd Birthday, Artie.  You should be here today but life had other plans.  I love you so much - I wanted to be the first to send you birthday wishes but I will be back in the morning to write my letter to you. And I will be sending your message balloons off tomorrow as well so be expecting them.  Love you and miss your life so much it hurts.  Party with the angels today....

Aunt Michele

Hi, Artie.  It's Mother's Day today and I'm hoping you can take this opportunity to bring your mom some peace.  She's a broken woman, even almost 2 years later, and nothing will ever fix her except seeing you again.  I know that can't happen but if you could let her know you're okay, that would suffice.  I can't believe she's had to deal with this tragedy, Artie.  No one on earth deserved it less than she did but nothing in life is fair, apparently.  I'm having a really hard time, too, and I am grieving alone since I'm 1500 miles away from what's left of my family.  But I think I prefer it this way - I can wallow in it and no one can say a damn word about it.  I haven't communicated with your mom in a couple of months and I'm not sure why.  She probably thinks I've moved on but nothing could be further from the truth.  Anyway, with your birthday only 6 days away, everyone will be going through it, I'm sure.  Personally, I don't want to move on because I don't want to get that far away from your memory.  I want to keep the grief fresh and raw for always - not hard to do at all.  I love you, Artie, and I want your life back.


Love, Aunt Michele  

Hi, babe.  This has been a tough couple of weeks, like it seems to be every year around this time.  You would be turning 22 on May 18th and I just can't believe you will never see that age.  Instead, you will be 20 years old forever, even when your daughter turns 20 herself.  Yes, apparently I am still in a state of shock over your death, Artie, and I don't anticipate that changing any time soon.  I was just thinkinig about you as a baby and a toddler - I can't believe this is how your precious life ended up.  It never fails to bring me to tears to think about it.  I was telling your Mom a couple months ago that I can cry on cue now - something I could never do before.  I have absolutely no idea what to do with my newfound talent but I guess it's best to have it if I should ever need it.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that "I love you" and "I miss you being alive in the most profound way possible".  I'll send messages to heaven on your birthday, of course, so keep an eye out for them. (I think I need to purchase my own tank of helium to have it for these occasions.)  Take care of your Mom, Artie, and try to see her through.  She's having a really hard time, too, and so is Austin and Art IV.  Same with Annie, too.  We're all having a difficult time dealing with losing you but you knew that would happen, didn't you?  Love you, Artie.  Happy early Birthday to you, Arthur Llewellyn Van Ben Schoten V.


Love, Aunt Michele 

Hi, Artie.  I was just sitting here thinking about you, like I do every single day of my life, and I was remembering when you and your mom and Austin lived over on Orlando.  Megan was struggling to pay bills and keep food in the house - you were around 4 or 5 at the time.  I would often come over with a bag full of groceries to help out and I loved playing the hero to you guys.  You were always slightly aloof with family, in stark contrast to how you were with your multitude of friends, but that was okay because I know we disappointed you often.  The memory that sticks most in my mind is when you had an earache late one night and you wanted your mom to call me and let me know about it.  That was hearbreaking to me then and it still  is now.  I think it was because you knew I would feel your pain and you needed to share it with someone else besides your immediate family; I'm so glad I was the chosen one. 

Anyone who knew you will know how much your friends mean to you - even back then, you had your group of buddies and you guys were unbelievably loyal to each other.  That would never change.  Your friends - and there is so many of them - were devastated by your death just like your family was.  To this day, coming up on 2 years later, we still see notes to you on Facebook.  Because of my "absence", which I will write about later, I didn't get the opportunity to know you fully as an adult and that is the biggest regret in my life ever.  It is a huge loss that I will never get over, second only to your death.  I better sign off now - the length of this "note" is getting out of control.  I pray to the winds that you still exist somewhere, Artie, because the alternative is just too difficult to deal with.  I hate waste in all forms but your life being wasted is the worst of them all.  Love you forever and ever and ever, Arthur Llewellyn Van Ben Schoten V.


Love, Aunt Michele 

Every day, I wonder where you went, Artie, or if you went anywhere at all.  I really just want to know if you are aware that you died.  And if you are aware, did you trip on it as hard as I think you would have?  I struggle daily with "belief" issues - I've been an atheist as far back as I can remember - so I've always believed when you die, you really die.  It's just "lights out" so you don't even know what happened besides whatever consciousness you had at the moment your life ended.  And that means you are no more and we will never see you again - I don't know if I can handle that, Artie.  I just can't grasp the full meaning of that.....not even almost 2 years later.  So I really want to believe in the "afterlife" but everything in me tells me it's just not so.  That must be why religion was created in the first place; the human race is too emotionally weak to accept the truth about the universe.  As long as we believe we'll see a loved one again, we can somehow bear the "temporary" loss. And once we die, problem over since we are non-existent now, too.  No one is ever the wiser about the great hoax and no one can prove it.  Pretty slick manipulation and I can see where it benefits people but I just can't buy in to it.  I will keep trying, though.  Maybe something will break through or maybe I will witness a miracle - I can think of a few I wouldn't mind seeing.  You walking through the door would be first on my list.  Anyway, sorry for the debbie-downer message - I love you, Artie, and I'm still missing you.

Aunt Michele

Hi, Artie.  I just had my breath stolen again.  It never fails to happen when I bring up 8/21/11 in my mind.  But today, I was remembering when you and Austin were much younger and you two used to fight all the time.  I told you on two or three occasions that you guys needed to get along and be the best of friends.  I asked you guys to imagine the other one dying and told you that you might be mad "right now" but you would be devastated to lose your brother.  I have no idea if you'd even remember that now but I'm so happy that you and Austin became the best of friends the last few years of your life.  You would have died for each other but that makes Austin's loss of you that much more profound.  What's he going to do without you, Artie?  I can feel his struggle from 1500 miles away and my heart breaks for him every day, just like it breaks for Kylie and Shelby.  Please, Artie, you need to watch over Austin and protect him vigilantly - I don't think he cares what happens to him anymore since you died and we both know where that can take him.  Please, Artie, we can't lose Austin, too.  I miss you, Artie.  I've cried a billion tears for you - and continue to do so.  I'll never stop.  Love you, Artie.

Aunt Michele

Hi, Artie.  It's been a rough couple of weeks for me - the unbearable sadness that overwhelms me seems to be hanging around longer than usual with no reprieves.  I can't figure out why unless it's Kylie's birthday that's doing it.  Looking at her pictures is so hard because all I think about is how much you'd love to be there with her.  I can't believe you have to miss watching that girl grow up, Artie.  She would have blown your heart up ever single day and it's the greatest tragedy in the history of ever that you both lost out on that relationship.  It blows my mind every day that this turned out to be your fate and that losing you turned out to be ours.  They say one of the steps in grief is anger at the deceased but that's not going to happen in this situation.  The loss you suffered is far greater than anyone else's, which is hard to even consider when ours feels so huge that it consumes our existence.  I'm obsessed with death (with thoughts of death and dying, with knowing how other people died, etc.) these days because of losing you but the greatest overriding question I have is "do you even know you're dead?"  With my disbelief in "eternal life", I'm afraid of the obvious answer because I want so much for you to still "be" somewhere.  I look for signs but don't see any but maybe my grief is still too raw for that.  Anyway, I love you very, very much, Artie.  I will never let your memory die if I can help it.  There is no headstone or cemetary plot to visit but I will keep talking to you anyway.  You were very special, as all the memorial tattoos can testify to (I will be getting mine as soon as I find someone I can trust to do it).  You are sorely and sadly missed down here, Artie.  Do a fly-by sometime so I can feel you, okay?  Still saving me that seat?

Love, Aunt Michele

Happy New Year, Artie.  I hate to get another year farther from you but I can't seem to stop time from jetting by.  I wonder how it's going to feel when you've been gone 5 years but, really, I can't imagine it's going to feel any different than it does now.  You had some good friends - a lot of them, actually - and they still miss you very much.  I read their notes to you on Facebook and it breaks my heart all over again.  Your death really messed a lot of us up, Artie.  I've never believed in eternal life but never before have I wanted to so badly.  I can't imagine never seeing you again - it's too sad to even contemplate.  I love you, Arthur.  I know if angels do exist, you're keeping them entertained.  We miss you down here....

Love, Aunt Michele

Merry Christmas, Artie.  I love you and I miss you and I wish you were back here on Earth, at home, cuddling Shelby and Kylie tonight.  I got the bottles to put your ashes in but can't seem to do it yet.  It's been almost a year and a half so I'm really hoping to just "get 'er done" soon but knowing that's all that's left of the living, breathing, strapping young man that you were is very hard.  After 20 years of knowing you and loving you, I'm left with a small bottle of ashes.  All I can say is "WTF!?"  I love you, Artie.  Please watch over your mom, dad, brother and daughter.  See you soon maybe?

Love, Aunt Michele