IS READY TO GO NOW. He is very ill.  Has been searching for Bernie and crying for her everytime he goes to her room.  He sits on the side of the bed she slept in and calls for her with the loudest meows.  


Romeo is gone now, He died last night in my Son's arms.  3/23/12.  19 yrs old.  
He is with Bernadette now, he won't be crying for her anymore.  

Bernie wrote about Romeo many years ago.  This is her story:

Romeo is meowing in the closet like he lost someone or like he is lost.  That sad bellowing cry that prompts me to repeat after him in the same whining tone, "Whaaat baby boy...come here."  He comes out of the closet sits on the floor at the corner of my nightstand and stares up at me with his cartoon like face, blue eyes with wide pupils dilated like big round black pearls.  

He gets wild after 11 or 12 midnight.   He starts running around the house chasing scrunched up paper balls leftover from the last time we played with them.  He'll jump on my mother's bed and climb to the top of the highest point of her headboard and stare down at me as if I were his subject and he my king, and he was commanding me to go to bed.  I tapped my bed and tried to get him to jump
up on to it, promising him that when I was done writing, I would play w/him.  (He loves to play w/the leather strap that ties my books together), but he looked stressed and impatient so I turned off the radio, turned on the lamp and turned off the bedroom lights.  This gave a warm quiet feeling in the room.  A soothing golden glow.  He calms down in this ambiance.   But first, I riled him up by letting him chase the leather strap til he was worn out and tired.  He's resting now.  His back is towards me.  He looks so soft and hugable.  When he falls into a deep sleep he makes noises like he is talking in his sleep or having a bad dream.  I pet him and try to make him feel safe and secure and loved.  I've had him nearly 12 years now.  I hate to think what my life would be like when he passes on.  I imagine I would live in shock and denial for many years wishing I could have spent more time w/him, but instead I've spent so many  months away from him in washington DC on several Fellowships and studying abroad in London.  Now, I am going to Rome for a semeser then possibly back to DC for a summer
Fellowship.  Romeo will be so sad and lonely and I'll miss him wiith all my heart. I feel as though he is trying to spend as much time with me as possible.  My eyes swell up with tears at the thought of it and my heart breaks.  Hopefully my mom can take him to my brother Eddie's place in Studio City, Ca where Romeo will have family around him.  He is only comfortable w/myself, Eddie and my mom.  And only we three know his routine, habits, likes and dislikes.  He likes to go outside at his leisure, he likes an open door policy.  (cat door) where he can come and go as he pleases.  He doesn't like to be put outside and the door closed behind him.   He likes a tall glass of water on the night stand next to mine, where he can drink from without having to bend all the way to his feet.  
He likes refried beans wcheese, cabbage soup and a little ice cream for dessert.
 

Bernie's nephew preparing breakfast at her apartment.   My grandson.  Cooking and, teaching her nephrew how to cook, was her greatest pleasure.  We were treated to the most deliciously flavored food imaginable.

Bernadette kept seeing this dingy little dog on the college grounds with his tale between his legs and starving, she would feed him and one day she just brought him home.
He was so happy, he would run around the back yard and chase away the birds from our plants and peach tree.  She called him Pinot like the wine.  She took him to the vet for his shots and grooming.  She was a softie for all animals.

unfortunately, while chasing the birds he would be barking and the neighbor did not like that.  ONe day Pinot sneaked out and went to his yard and we never saw him again.  Bernadette was heartbroken.

Phone Call:
June 2008  Your papsmear is abnormal, you need to come to the clinic for follow-up  (  No urgency in the matter, no education regarding delaying followup care.  No further communication from the doctor until)
Phone Call
July 2009    Your results are  high risk for cancer,  you have pre-cancerous cells..  come in for a follow up.  (The OBGyn waited one whole year to call her back for a check up)

So not thinking anything of that first call, she continued living her life.  What person understands an abnormal papsmear?  I got one of those 20 yrs ago, never thought anything about it myself.  One year it was normal the next not.  So she ignored it and since the doctor did not care enough to call her back the next month and the next, for 12 months, she thought it was nothing important, nothing to worry about.

She worked in marketing,  a job she loved and was very proud of.  She also cared for her "very important boyfriend"  who ended up not appreciating her devotion.  She was a one man woman, while he was, as many as he can get.  However, she loved caring for others and so she did,  without caring for herself and her health.  She managed his household,  while slowly dying of cancer in the process.

She had her beautiful apartment and spent time decorating and cooking many times for others and her brother.  Her greatest joy, such a "womanly chore" cooking.  She was in heaven when she was cooking for others.

Her spare time was spent taking classes, as many as she could take.  She was very concerned about the  environment.  She attended classes to personally help in that area, even a little.  She made many friends during this time.

Then that call came, that call that came too late.  The call that the doctor made, too late to save her life.  Why God?  Why are they so careless and inhumane?
He killed her, he sealed her faith.  If he had cared just a little bit, she would be alive today.  "you have pre-cancerous cells, come to the office for a follow-up"
A year too late, he calls  Those pre-cancerous cells were now out of control.  Her uterus was full of them.  When she went for the follow-up, another papsmear was taken and it was "NORMAL"  It goes to show how useless those test can be.  However, a few weeks later, she felt a mass.  She went back to the clinic and was told, "You can't possibly feel a mass, your papsmear came back NORMAL!   They were not going to  re-examined her, but she insisted.  Sure enough she had a mass. (women need to advocate for themselves, medical personnel think they know everything, but in reality, they are clueless)

 The cancer cells had spilled out of her uterus and were multiplying on her cervix.  She was immediately referred to LAC/USC who played with her life, and furthered her death sentenced,  Incompetent "doctors" Who also did not give a damn.  

I will start to document her last 2 yrs of life with cancer, in her own words.  It will take time to organize all her correspondences.  So  I will continue when that is done. 


SHORT HISTORY  LAC/USC ASSESSMENT:
 No cervical/pelvic lymphadenopathy
no dominant masses, no skin changes
Os open with 4 cm mass protruding thru, no bleeding, no discharge, uterus 6 wks size, mobile, non tender, no adnexal masses/tenderness
PROCEDURE:  cervical mass prep with betadine.  Mass biopsied and sent to pathology.  
SPOKE TO PATH:  consistent with invasive squamous cell cervical cancer.
PLAN:  admit to ER for obs for CXR/ CT scan  C/A/P
  

ER  NOTES as dictated for ADMISSION 7/15 AND DISCHARGE July 17, 2009

    ADMISSION  
 37 Yr old female seen by GYN in ER and had cervical lesion bx that shows squamous cell carcinoma per pathology.  Pt sent to EDOA with orders for CXR, and CT chest abdomen and pelvis for tumor staging.  I spoke to radiology resident who stated there is no indication for same day CT scanning, that he would not approve it, and that pt can receive aforementioned studies on outpatient basis.  I relayed this conversation to GYN who states pt can receive these studies as outpatient and elected not to try and authorized them tonight.
UR nurse will contact pt with appointment.  GYN ONC to call patient with appt today.  Discharge plan was discussed with Dr. Gentile, attending physician and he concurs.  GYN/ONC to call patient today with f/u appt info.

     (she never mentioned having had a CT scan prior to surgery.  If she had had one, they would have seen the location of the tumors.  whole body scans show the location of all tumors in the body, it is better.  I will attempt to locate a report for the mentioned CT scan)

BERNADETTE EMAIL
7/28/09

HI Jane 
great to hear from you!  So, I am doing well (in spirit and body too actually).  I have no pain or discomfort whatsoever.  My diagnoisis:  Stage 1B1 cervical cancer 2.3 cm coming out from inside the cervix.  It has not spread outside the cervix.  
Surgeon at LAC: Dr. Kloboscista
Surgeon at USC: Dr. Paul Morrow

what I gather is that LAC is learning from the USC surgeon.  I don't know if she is assisting him or if she is actually doing the surgery while he observes.  My diagosis was given to me in a rushed 15 min session.   Basically here's what they want to do:
surgery aug 18th (will be hospitalized for 5 days) will have catheter for 2 wks.
1. exam under anesthesia
2.. diagnostic laparoscopy
3. removal of lymph nodes
4.  insert something?
5.  Remove Cervix



How ironic, that I find myself in this situation after I was at NCI working on this very issue.  
 
Abnormal pap 2008, colposcopy and biopsy in June 2008 (mild displasia CIN1)
Gynocologist:  Dr. Matsunaga said usually goes away on its own after a year.
Colposcopy and biopsy in June 2009 (cin III)
Pelvic exam July 2009 visible mass, bleeding, sent to ER: biopsy that night showed cervical cancer.

I am thankful we found this early, but still...I'm upset about the risks to having surgery.  One of which is low chance of getting pregnant, if lucky to get pregnant..it would be a high risk pregnancy.  

Bernadette


  
 






 

I will be entering some of bernadette's horrifying experience with the doctors from LAC/USC, in her own words.  You will read about The attending physician Dr. Morrow never examining her prior to surgery, Dr. Klobocista hiding something she did to bernadette during surgery.  Their lack of compassion, and plain "don't care attitude" about my daughter's condition.  You will be appalled.  You will wonder how such things could happen.  It is unbelievable to me.  My daughter never told me about this.  She said, I did not want you to worry.  She went thru all this on her own, until the cancer returned the second time and before  surgery at UCI, when she finally let me know.  She was told she was cured with the first surgery,  so why "worry you." she said.  

The only doctor who showed true caring and concern was Dr. Monk, and he went the extra mile to try and save her life.  After doctor Monk moved out of state, she was left with other UCI doctors, but they were not as concerned and  missed so many things, eventually leading to her death.  Every step of the way she met with what most women experience, and that is being labeled  "dramatic".  A male intern caring for her the next day after major surgery told me!, "She is so  dramatic"  when she was not able to get up to walk the next day after surgery.  Dr. Monk later called, instructing staff not to get her up yet and told the intern a thing or two.

 women are dying from heart attacks to cancer, because they are not taken seriously by the medical community.  My daughter was a victim of that attitude.
 

Presented to Bernadette  by the

NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF HEALTH

Shared by Amine A. on 09/20/2011

Enjoying traditional Lebanese Mezza meal at the Lamb House in Beirut.  She was always eager to try new cuisines and food and wanted to sample everything.  Her love of exploration was one of her many endearing qualities.

In what was my darkest hour,

 you had joy in your heart.

For God lite up the heavens, so that you may pass.

Another one of many letters of reference written for Bernadette.

Bernadette and I (tall asian guy in the back) were new to Yelp. We first met at this Yelp Holiday Party a few years ago. I was very fortunate to meet such a wonderful and kind person. She was a great listener to all of my blabbering. Laughed at my lame jokes. Bernadette will always be in my thoughts.

I added bernadette's reviews of places where she ate.  Enjoy her experiences and her humor.  she was as funny in person as she was on paper.  

Had breakfast here, and ordered the "Green Eggs & Ham" (as any self-respecting Dr. Seuss fan would).

 Being a vegetarian, however, I had to pass on the ham.
I do not like it in a box
I do not like it with a fox
I do not like it here or there
I do not like it anywhere

What I had:
"Green Eggs and Ham" - Poached Farm Fresh Eggs Wrapped in      
Honey-Cured Ham on Crispy Hash Browns with an Herbed Lemon Leek-Cream.

Coffee & Donut
Fresh-squeezed orange juice.

I thought the lemon-leek cream was tangy and delicious but the size of the dish was too large, the overall presentation was a bit sloppy. You can see by the photo, that the hash browns were on the bottom, so instead of being crispy... they were soggy from soaking up the tasty sauce.

Coffee was excellent, as was the OJ. And the donuts... Mmmmm. The donut recipe is published in their cookbook 
 

WOW, Hide Sushi Seriously Jacked me Up!

WHAT I HAD:
2 pc. Hamachi
2 pc. Hirame
Green Tea

Couldn't even eat 4pc of sushi here! My normal sushi intake is around 18 pieces. Yeah, I know... I can eat. My favorite sushi chef (at sushi gen) makes the funniest faces when I get over 10 pieces...his raised eyebrows speak volumes! And after those 18 pieces... I order miso, and green tea ice cream! 

For the past couple of years, I've eaten sushi at least once a week. Occasionally, I'll get a less-than-fresh order, but I just send it back and it's no big deal. But, I've never gotten sick until... NOW!

The first order at Hide was 2 pcs of hamachi, which didn't taste good, but not exactly bad. So I ordered 2 pieces of Hirame. I put the first piece into my mouth and knew immediately that it was BAD FISH, it was chewy, nasty, and tasted like DEATH. I didn't know what to do... The place was packed, and I was shoulder to shoulder with other customers, yet the sushi juice was seeping into my cheeks; dripping down my throuat; and I could feel myself turning green and 'gaggy'. 

In all my life, I've never done this at a restaurant before, but...

Screeching my chair back, I RAN to the lady's room,  and SPIT the sushi into the trash and washed my hands. I did NOT throw up though. But still, I should have rinsed my mouth out too. Upon returning to my seat, the sushi chef asked for my next order, so I gave him the hand gesture that says, No MORE and noticed that my right hand was numb, perhaps from the ice cold water from washing my hands? Instead of a firm hand swipe, one might give a blackjack dealer when saying, "I'll stay, no more cards." Mine said, "Charmed, I'm sure, my hand dangling from its wrist waiting to be kissed".

And if that weren't enough!

While waiting for the bill my left eyelids became slightly paralyzed. The lids just weren't responding. I paid my bill and got out of there.

I wasn't dying so I didn't go to the doctor.

The one mistake I made was not telling the sushi chef that the fish was bad. You have to do this as a courtesy to them and to other patrons, but I was pretty jacked up, and all I was thinking was, "My fricken left eye won't open!" 

But, here I am... It's Friday night, and while my friends are out-on-the-town... I'm stuck at home with a lazy eye. :(

Fortunately I can...do some yelping! ;) (that's my one-eyed wink!)

END NOTE:
Now, I've attempted to give an entertaining account of my experience. But in all seriousness, any effects on the nervous system are usually due to botulism, so there may have been some minor food cross-contamination issues in their kitchen. But, I'm speculating. I didn't vomit or have any other serious symptoms that would indicate food poisoning. 

This is actually in Midfield, Alabama about 30 minutes from Birmingham. (In the  middle of nowhere)

After I visited the Civil Rights Institute and the 16th Street Baptist Church, I asked a "local" where I could get authentic soul food. He said, it's a drive from here, but the best place is Ma Reatha's, and it didn't disappoint.

It's located in a predominantly african american area, so much so, that when I walked in, they asked if I was lost. 

I said, "If this is the best soul food in town, Then I'm in the right place." They laughed and were very welcoming.

The food was oh so good. I ordered multiple side dishes just so I could try everything. FABULOUS!

Birmingham Civil Rights Institute
520 Sixteenth Street North
(205) 328-9696
Hours: Tuesday-Saturday 10-5, Sunday 1-5
http://www.bcri.org

Sixteenth Street Baptist Church
1530 Sixth Avenue North (205) 251-9402
Worship services Sundays at 11:00am.
Tours by appointment.

BBQ for breakfast was a nice way to start my day. They opened at 11:30AM and I was the 1 st customer in the place.

WHAT I HAD: $21.65 plus tip

Blackened Catfish Po Boy
Mac n cheese
stewed tomatoes
sweet tea
banana pudding (made with Nilla wafers)

The BBQ is Tennessee style BBQ, Memphis to be exact. There are three sauces on the table: 1. hot sauce in a narrow bottle, 2. sweeet BBQ sauce 3. XXX Habanero Sauce. I opted for the hot sauce on my fish, very good.

Waitress was great, lot's of southern love:
"What can I git ya, sweetie?"
"You doin' alright honey?"

When I asked for a dessert recommendation, she had herself a seat at my table and gave me a run-down of what they had. Love that! :)

Banana pudding was a 'miss' for me. WAY TOO THICK like eating Duncan Hines frosting out of a can... 

I can't wait to come back and try the shrimp po boy, collard greens, and okra. 

A couple sat down at the table next to me. The guy ordered a beer, his woman...water. And, he told the waitress that he felt like drinking his beer out of a glass. She brought him a plastic glass.

He made a fuss cuz he wanted a chilled pilsner or frosty mug.

So a WORD to the aristocrats out there. This a BBQ joint, if you're too high brow, to drink your brew from the bottle, this may not be the place for you. 

Fortunately, I had checked my Tiara at the door, and enjoyed my meal. 

I originally came here to review the donut king on 15032 S. Western Ave, in Gardena, and saw that there was a Donut King near me in Santa Monica, so I went to check it out and compare.

The sweet 12 yr. old asian girl, who was running the register, didn't know if their location was affiliated with the one in Gardena...by the taste of the donuts...I don't think so.

I'm still a fan though because the donuts are tasty...just not 5 stars like the Gardena location.

2 glaze, 1 choc. raised, and 7 chinese almond cookies: $3.95

My criteria for a good  'Raised/yeast' donut:

1. Good Density: Not an air-filled vessel that, when pressed--will flatten to a communion host never to be resurrected. No! A donut, with good density, is a rather chewy pillow, with visible shock-absorption, when pressed...it almost springs back to life ever-so-noticeably. When you bite into it, there's a toothy-ness, but not-so-dense as to remind one, of giving an impression of your teeth at the dentist office--(that pink gummy wax molding clay). The donut should participate in the experience, connecting with your mouth, holding on slightly but not gripping your teeth like taffy.

The difference between a donut with good density and one without, is like the difference between kissing and being kissed back. i.e. biting into a krispy kreme donut...you're kissing a ghost. There's no life, it's a void, an illusion of  a donut, that which dissolves, dissipates...  instantly, upon contact without resistance. 

2. Glaze Paraffin: Ladies who get manicures, know what I mean. That thick coating that's not transparent, it's cloudy and  smooth and keeps what's beneath it... moist and supple. Glaze has to be, not-too-sweet, so you don't get a stomach ache and... u can eat more donuts!

The donuts I enjoy so far, in order of edibility:

Sweetie Pie Donuts- Lancaster, CA
Donut King- Gardena
Randy's Donuts- L.A.
Donut King- Santa Monica (Pico & Lincoln)

We all know that donuts should be made fresh daily and enjoyed the same day--for full flavor and pleasure. Consuming day-old-donuts are for the desperate, the starving, and those who purchased too many & left them on the table overnight. I fell into all three categories this morning. 

Famished, and not wanting to cook or drag myself, out into the cold morning, to fight the hoards of "brunch-goers" in Santa Monica...I went into my kitchen.

To my delight, I discovered the bag of yesterday's donuts. Perfectly desperate, I brewed a pot of coffee so I could dunk my 'donut biscotti' into a caffeine fountain-of-youth.  

I had high hopes for the chocolate raised, as it didn't have glaze only chocolate icing. Surely it would just be...hard as rock. 

The glazed raised, on-the-other hand, would certainly be a wet, soggy mess--a sponge, that had absorbed the glaze mere minutes after it had reached my kitchen table the day before.

Opening the bag, there sat 1 glazed raised and 1 chocolate raised, in a state of perceived freshness, like a basket of artificial fruit. I reached for the glazed donut, to toss it, but to my utter shock and amazement.... the glaze was IN TACT !!! 
It had slight 'glaze leakage', on a quarter-size area of the bottom, but it was minor donut damage that I could live with. The rest of the donut was soft, and delicious.

Oh, and the chocolate raised, you may be wondering...was in perfectly respectable eating condition, so I went for it.

The above donut 'tale of amazement' featured donuts from:
Donut King on Pico & Lincoln

2nd day in Bay Area, had breakfast here this morning;

$11.75 Plus Tip

Pain au chocolate
cafe latte
regular coffee

When I ordered a pain au chocolate, the Bouchon chic just stared at me till I quickly changed to 'chocolate croissant' please.   MINUS 1 Star for that!

The caffe latte was 2 shots of espresso and like 10 ounces of steamed milk! (too weak), I returned it and got a regular coffee which was very good. (I like a stiff brew!) That saved them from losing a 2nd star.

Pain au chocolate was good, but small. Come on Keller Honey...UP the size a bit. In Paris you get a FAT ol' pain au chocolate for a buck.
 

My first night in SF was last night. My Mom lives in Vallejo, CA near Napa so she met me in SF for dinner. She' s a total MEAT EATER, and her taste in restaurants is questionable at best. 

I often joke that,  I HAD to have been switched at birth! (She can take a joke)

So, knowing her taste, and love of Prime Rib...I actually chose this place. It was right up her alley! (not mine) Mom  likes family-feeling places and Buffets (eek!). lol I love my mom, really I do. We just don't see eye-to-eye when it comes to food.

HOPR is an 'old folgie' place, with lots of... old people, not a "hip" person in sight. This is definitely no MASTRO'S Beverly Hills. Buuuuuuuut, Moms dug it, so it was a good time. And, she was taking me out so I knew she could live with the price: $34 a person. 

I, being a vegetarian on the other hand... discovered why they call this place the House of Prime Rib...IT'S ALL THEY SERVE. No lobster, no shrimp, no fish, nada!

You have a choice only of what CUT of prime to have. All sides are included. We both had the 'City Cut' (their petite portion). My mom  really liked her Prime Rib, tore into the warm sourdough bread, and was all over the yorkshire pudding.  Personally, the food looked very 'cafeteria' and lackluster...in color. Many years ago, there use to be a place in Universal City, CA called Ruben's (anyone remember it?) They had a great prime rib, back when I ate meat. But, I digress...

I ate my sides and my mom gave my uneaten prime rib to a homeless person outside the restaurant. 

Before the homeless dude would take it, he asked my Mom what kind of food it was!  lol

 I said, "See Mom, in L.A., the bums will take the food and ask questions later. BUT SF bums--- they have discriminating palates !"

UPDATE
My Mom gives me 1 star for reviewing a prime rib place and not eating the prime rib. lol I give her 5 stars for being right and a prime rib pro--she loved this place! 

Bernadette spent a lot of time with her nephew.  She thought him how to prepare healthy meals, set a table, use utensils and clean.  He is very smart like her, articulate and funny.  He told her one day,  "I dont have to do anything at home, it's paradise!"  He kept me and bernadette laughing.

 She always had heart to heart talks with him.  We had so much fun together.

 My baby could do many things.  She took singing lessons.  She would practice at home in san antonio when she visited.  Then The next year she sang to me as we drove in my car.  She was so good.  

Oh yes, she took guitar lessons also.  The guitar in the background  looks like the one she has.

She got a trainee job at LeReve, a french restaurant in San Antonio Texas.  She wanted to learn all she could about cooking from the best.

But the first meal she prepared was when she was 8 yrs old.  She made a pizza from boxed ingredients.  She never stopped cooking from that day forward.

I think she wanted to be everything, maybe in a way, she had a feeling she had to do many things at once,  because she didn't have time to waste.  She was so hungry for knowledge.  Learning was her passion.  

In Oct 2010, she gave me a surprise visit at work, while I was going thru orientation.  She was waiting in the parking lot.  When I saw her she got out of the SUV waving at me to get my attention.  It brought an instant happiness to my heart to see her. 

How did you figure out where I would be?  It was a large campus and It had been very difficult for me to locate that building.

"oh, I just had the officer show me where orientation was held." 

The next day, my coworker asked me, who was that?  I told him she was my daughter. 

Oh, she is about 18?

No, I said, she is 38,    He was very surprised.  Bernadette looked like my baby all her life.  She'll be young forever.

When we lived in san antonio, We were having a pot luck at work and I told bernandette that I was told to bring ground beef.  I'm just going to brown ground beef with salt and pepper. 

Mom, just ground beef?  Yep, I said.  That's what they said. 

you can't just bring gound beef, I'll cook something for you.  She made a dish called Picadillo.

 For some reason, the girls were eagerly awaiting my dish at work.  I mean, I was just going to bring ground beef!   Bernadette's dish disappeared so fast, there  wasn't even juice left in the bowl.  All the other dishes had left-overs.

  The compliments about the dish kept coming, 
"You made that, oh, it was so gooood."  I had to keep saying, no my daughter made it.    She saved me from being embarrassed about my cooking skills. I always wonder, are they going to leave my food there, but not this time.  I was proud.

I told bernadette, your dish was a big hit. 

Bernadette's cat.  She adored him.  He is now 19 cat yrs old.  Bernadette was

20 yrs old When Romeo was born.  She spent thousands of dollars keeping him healthy,

by taking him to the vet regularly.  He takes off and leaves for days, giving Bernadette a heart attack, but he always returns.  He is old and frail now. 

Bernie was afraid he would not survive too long.  Not too many Cats  live this long. 

Romeo always comes, when he hears me crying.  He will climb up to my chest and put his paw on my shoulder as if hugging me.  He has done that so many times.  Even when he is outside and he hears me, he starts meowing and scratching the screen door. 

Walking around Georgetown with you one day, we came across a small church.  You asked if we could go in for a bit.  We entered, and we spent some time, it was just us two and maybe a few other people.  You loved it, and then you said, "Isn't this church great?  i wonder what the acoustics sound like..."  as i turned to walk the other way, i looked back at you in amazement...you began to sing Ave Maria.  I never knew you could sing Bernadette!  Everyone paused and just stared at you, because you sounded like an angel.  That's what i loved most about you, when you felt something, you never hesitated, you just did it.  You lived in the moment! 

She invited me to lunch in Baltimore in January 2011. She came to Hopkins to get advice on treatment options. They couldn't help her.  I hadn't seen her since Rome 2004. I felt I couldn't help her but I told her whatever I knew about cancer. We had lunch at a bistro on Charles Street in Baltimore, never went there before but it was perfect, just the way she liked it: classy, small, european, quaint, quiet, and beautiful. She paid for lunch. She insisted. I knew when she left at Penn Station that it was going to be the last time I would ever see her, but she wouldn't let me be emotional. I only now appreciate her life. I wish I had been more involved. She was just so positive. I will always remember her and her energy, her compassion,  will be with me always.

I will never forget her generosity. I was in Rome in 2004 and she happened to be there. She invited me to stay with her so that I wouldn't have to spend money. She then showed me around Rome. I will never forget that. She never expected anything from anyone. She took me to a pizza place that was so lively and exciting, she then showed me around the monuments and night life: Trevedi Fountain, the Parthenon, cafes, and restaurants.

We were watering some of her plants on the patio and she told me "Remember to include herbs in your garden, and organic vegetables."  We were going to plant a garden together as soon as I bought another house.  

With sadness I asked?  "What about your garden?  You won't be growing your garden, now. "

She told me, "Honor me by growing it for me. Grow all the things I would have grown."

but it won't be the same, nothing will ever be the same without her.  She made everthing better, more enjoyable, worth while.  

  She had wanted to teach others to grow their own healthy organic fruits and vegetables.  She went to Master gardener classes and was in love with it.

I met Bernadette earlier this year.  She glowed with energy and enthusiasm and love of all that is around her.  We may have lost an angel here, but heaven definitely gained one.  Bernadette, you are missed.

I saw Bernadette earlier this year, and she was so positive, hopeful, and radiant. She taught me to have faith in myself and to always keep reaching for my goals with dignity and courage. She will be greatly missed.

I just found out that Bernadette is not with us anymore, and I am just speechless. I am so, so deeply sad.

I just want to thank God that I was one of these very blessed persons who were able to have met her. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful day in September 2001 in Boston. It clicked immediately with us. She came towards me on the streets and started talking to me like we already knew each other. As a European person who just arrived in the US for a trip I was really impressed with her from the very first moment because of her very special aura and the positive energy she spread all the time. She was so pretty not just on the outside but also deep inside. I will never forget that day. It will always, always be one of the most favourite memories I have with her. I love her so much. We went shopping together and took this picture which I will keep so deep in my heart. Since that day we became friends and always kept in touch. We also spent some time together in Rome. She gave me so many special moments in my life for which I want to thank her so much. She always gave me the feeling that I was special but actually, it was her who is not just special but amazing. She is such an intelligent, beautiful and positive girl, a dream of a woman!

Please God, take care of her well because she really deserves it.

Bernadette I will never forget you...

... with love always

Aki

She loved you like a sister, Norina.  I know that for a fact.

Mom, we don't have much time

lay down next to me

Don't waste time with cleaning

come here and talk to me.

You give me comfort, mom

Don't leave me for a minute

Don't stay away so long

I want to die in your arms.

                                    I did not know what an honor,

                                    what a great honor she was bestowing 

                                    on me.  To want to spend her last                                                                                                                                                                                                       moments on earth,  in my arms.

There is a glow to the right of the wreath.  It comforts me.  Tells me God is near her.

It is like the light we see when we die. Bright white.

Enjoying traditional Lebanese Mezza meal at the Lamb House in Beirut.  She was always eager to try new cuisines and food and wanted to sample everything.  Her love of exploration was one of her many endearing qualities.

I know bernie was already God's angel. Why else did she look so radiant.  light was eminating from within her face. It was a beautiful saintly glow. I am so glad I told her about it, it made her happy. she smiled. Her face was more beautiful then I had ever seen it before.   youthful, flawless baby skin. I think god was letting me know she was leaving soon.  

"That's me mom, cause I worry about you, when I am gone."  She pointed out this picture to me when we were eating at a restaurant, after one of her  treatments at the cancer center.  "Who is going to take care of you when you are old?"

She was more concerned about me then her.   So I took a picture of it  to remember the moment.

 She always took me out to lunch for Mother's Day.  It was no different last mother's day.  No matter how sick she was.  This is in 1991.  She never forgot my birthday either. 

She knew I loved her cooking, she was the best cook.  She cooked for me many times, but when she was very ill she cooked less and less.  However, this day I went to run an errand for her and when I came back she had prepared lunch for me.

"Oh My love, you shouldn't be getting up and cooking."  She was very weak by then, she could only be on her feet minutes at a time.  

She said.  "I just wanted to cook for you because you do so much for me."   

Bernadette was an intern and was later awarded two fellowships.  Although, this awards are reserved for Post-Doctoral Fellows, she got two as an undergraduate Student. 

Don't envy the things I have, be happy for me.

you don't know the things I lack,

You don't know how much time I have.

Be thankful for what you have, for I think you have it all.

I wish you well, I wish you more.

I look happy all the time.

It doesnt mean I don't ache inside.

It doesnt mean I don't cry at night.

Why aren't you happy for me, you don't know the things I lack.

Wish me well, don't envy the things I have. 

I found this essay Bernadette wrote in 2002, shows her writing talent and dry humor.

Experience In writing

     As far back as I can remember-I have enjoyed reading.  My mother read to me as an infant and throughout my childhood, all the classic children's stories.  This set the foundation for my future interest in reading literature.  I appreciate all forms of literature and expose myself to a variety of genres.  My interests vary and depend upon what I hope to gain from that which I am reading.  For example, should I happen to be seeking knowledge on the success of a fortulne 500 company, reading books authored by their past chief executive officers, are of great interest to me.  The Franklin Covey store carries an excellent selection of books in this area-some which added to my ever-growing repertoire of business reading.

     My experience in reading poetry is limited to what I have been forced to endure during high school and during a freshman English course in college.  My attempt to comprehend poetry was a laborious task, which wained on my patience and challenged my attention span to its limits.  During the past couple of years, I have had the honor of being on the receiving end of many original pieces of poetry and prose, which has been written by a gentleman, who is eager to win my affection.  Poetry written especially for me is flattering naturally, but it has also sparked my desire to further understand the classical and contempary poetry, which I have gone to great lengths to avoid, untill now.

(she wrote several more paragraph about her love of reading and she ended her essay as follows):

     The earliest memory I have, of wanting to become a writer, is when I entered a national writing contest for EXTRA magazine.  I was in the sixth grade and competed against students within all grades of middle school, my story was selected as the winner and published.  The feeling I had writing my story was thrilling, the creativity flowed on to the paper so naturally, I remember not wanting to stop.  I had other chapters I could include, but it was a short essay contest and words were limited.  I enjoyed writing more than the actual receiving of the award, but I knew then that I would spend my life writng and reading many, many books.