i have not been on here in a while. mostly cause I wasnt making much since when I was.
I miss you more than any words could ever be said.
  I think I am ready to sart this jurney God has put me on three years ago.
I havae come to the point I am ready to surrender to God and ask for his help.
I am ready to stop running in all the ways I have tried to run.
I know walking through this is going to make me a stronger women and much wiser to help other mothers.
I have always known God had a plan I was just not ready to sign up for his plan.
  I still get those running thoughts in my head when I am tring to go to sleep ot I turn my head and see a young man who looks like you. when i am watching tv so many things remend me of you.
 For the lonest time i ask God why did he give me to take you away so young.
Today baby I am so gratiful God gave me you enen if it was for a short time.
I am no longer looking for the women I once was. how could I ever be her again after looing you.
I do look foward to find the new Trina a women who is stronger and healthier .
  i still ask why whay if.
I have to believe God has a plan and will carry me through to that paln till the day I see you again.
I know I will see you for your heart was so prue so good and loving.
  I am going to say good night before i start  saying other things 
 good night baby boy mommy loves and misses you so much

Three trips around the moon without you. It's weird, in some ways, it feels like it hasn't been that long at all, and in others it feels like its been much longer. You're still one of the first things I think about when I wake up, and one of the last before I fall asleep. I miss you. But it has gotten easier. The pain is still there, but I know I can handle it. I guess that's the biggest lesson I have learned since losing you, humans have an amazing capiticy to endure. I often wonder what your life would be like if you were still here. Would it be filled with peace and love, like you deserved, or would you still be suffering. We will never know, but I have to beleive that you are truly are at peace now. I love you Branden. 

We celebrated your 22nd birthday last week. 22?!! I can't believe it. Your dad and your little sister came, it was really nice to see them. Your dad talked about you alot, kept bringing you up in just random conversations. I think it made him feel good that he could talk about you without making anyone feel uncomfortable, it's a feeling I can relate to. It was a weird day, lots of different and weird feelings. But I guess that is to be expected. None of us really know what the hell we are doing. There isnt really a how-to book for this. But I guess we are doing the best we can do. I really miss you, we all do. There are so many things I wish I could share with you, so many times I wish I could just call you. I wonder where you would be now if you were here, I hope you would be with us. Your absence still consumes my thoughts everyday. You still had so much life ahead of you, our family still had such a future with you. We still have a future, just one that is not as bright. I love you Branden, miss you everyday. Happy Birthday Kiddo - wish we were celebrating together!

I am sitting here thinkimg about you your birthday is coming up. 
I miss you so much and wish we could be together.
I guess I have been qestioning my belifes.
For I need to you to tell me your in heaven and are doing better than ever.
I know if there is a heaven you are there.
You were such a good person and I know how much you loved your family.
I need you to know I am proud of you i know who you were under the drugs.
I know the regret and the pain you had inside, cause of the chooses you made to get your drugs. I have no resentments I only have regret I couldn't of been there for you more.
I have so many regrets so so many things I wish I would of done different.
If I could do it all over again I would hol;d you close to me and be the mother you deserve to have,. made so may mistakes
One thing that has always been the same is my love for you.
yes you were not planed however I wanted you from the very beiging 
two years coming up and i still don't know how to live with out you in my life.
   I am going to say goodnight for now for it;s never goodby
            love mom 

 your birthday is coming uo, we are having dinner at Daniellie's amd sending off some chieance lanters. I want us all to sit at the same table and share stories that we re member of you. i dont want it to be a sad day I want it to be a celabratiom of the short life you lived us, I an trying baby I really am. I trying to build a life with out you here. I am not there yet I am still running from the pain of loosing you. 
 which makes no sence in running I am still feeling the pain.
 I love you baby and you are so missed here on earth.
I pray for you to come to me in a dresm and you tell me you better than you ever have been.
      I will say goodnight for now know my dreams are always open for you.
                 goodnight son i love you and miss you so much 







 

I have been really missing you.
I had one of those days all I could do is cry,
till I was able to cry myself to sleep.
I have been listening to Godly muscie.
i heard this song and it said.
When you find youself on the floor not feeling me near.
just let go and just be held.
it says that your life is not falling apart
it falling into place.
stop fighting and let go and just be held.
I am looking for anything to help me through.
I miss you baby boy.
I think of all the things I would of done differnt if I  had known.
I know our relationship was differnt then what I had with my other children.
I beleive cause you were my youngest, and we had addiction in common.
I was so in touch with your pain guilt and remorse you had going on inside.
i knew that pain all to wel, I knew l about doing very damanging things to others  get my high again to run from  feeling  about my actions. I, felt so bad and  ashame that the only way to get away from that feeling was to get high again.
  I remember you telling me that I was the only person who really understood you. I remeber me telling you I knew you cause I knew me.
  I wish I would of held on to you the weekend you came home from jail.
I think how lost you must of felt, I believe I could of saved you from dieing when you died. I don't think I could of saved you from dieing later.
  I do think God spared you the years of pain. I
I can remember when my brother Tom was alive after years of him suffering and the family as well.
I remember praying and asking God if he is not going it you get, clean change his life. I asked God to take him, if this is the way he is going to live the rest of his life, then take him. I was very much in touch with my brothers pain.
acually when he passed away I thought that hear on earth way his hell.
I had forgotten about all that
  I just wish God would of giving me more time.
  I have to believe that God has me here for a reason  
God knows I have done some crazy shit to run a way from my pain.
I should be with you. i am guessing God has other plans for me.
i need to believe that.
 I am going to close for now I love you
      goodnight  

your sister gave me this birthday card this year thanking me for bring you into the world. she talk about being gratiful for haveing you even if it was a short time. 
She told me i did a good job that she wouldn't be the women she is if I wasn't her mother that made me feel so good.
 however i wanrt you with me i am not were she is with loosing you.
 I am glade she is finding some peace I am just not there yet and don't know if I will ever find peace. 

I was at QT today I seen these young boys getting gas just having fun. 
I just started crying missing you so much. I feel like I take some steps foward then I always end up going backwards. I don't know why i had to loose you so young I still don't understand. i am trying to find a life instead of it being then end.
I think of you every single day and still ask the same question why.
  i miss you baby I love you so much. 

So a sunrise made me cry the other day. That’s what I have been reduced to, crying on my way to work while looking at a sunrise. Actually, it wasn’t a sad cry, or even a happy cry. It was more like an overwhelmed cry. Tears just fell from my eyes, like automatically. There was no sobbing, or heaving, like I sometimes do in the car when I think about you, it was like my eyes just got very wet and tears started falling.

It was really kind of incredible. Sunrises have easily become the best part of my morning commute. And as I went about my three highway route, I got to see every phase of the sunrise. From the backlite clouds, to the sun finally coming up over the horizon. I was absolutely consumed by watching the amazing scene unfolding and the intense colors. 
 
Eminimien and Lil Wayne, two of your favs,  was blaring through my stereo, and suddently I thought of you.  I felt a rush of gratefulness. I felt truly grateful that you were around to hear this song when it came out, Isnt that weird? What a weird thing to feel grateful for, but I could just imagine you listening to it. Then I got a sudden image in my head of you up in haven, the sky was your canvas, and you were painting it just for me. It was like I could actually see you holding the round wood paint palette, and stepping back to assess your work. I got this feeling that you are free to explore all sorts of different art forms now. Things you would never have done when you were here. But deep down, I don’t believe it. I wish I could. I wish I could believe that image of you in heaven and painting the sky, just for me, but I know that really it is just me assigning meaning to an everyday occurance as I continue through the grief process. 

But then I was hit with a feeling of such clarity. No you may not be in "heaven," but in the end, you really are truly, truly free now. All the pain, the shit, all of it, is gone. You are utterly and totally at peace. And while I don’t believe in an afterlife, I know with absolute certain that your “spirit” does live on, it’s in me. It is me. I am your spirit. I have often wondered and quite frankly felt very guilty about the fact that I made it and you didn’t. It's something I have questioned a lot over the last 18 months. But in the end, it doesn’t matter why or how. The fact is what it is. I am here and you are not. And I feel like its almost disrespectful to you for me to  not to love life every day, to not do things that make me uncomfortable, not do all of the things you couldnt do while you were here, things you will never be able to do now. I can do these things and you are with me as I do them. I know that now. You are alive inside me. As corny as that sounds, I truly felt that way as I drove and watched the sunrise. That's when the tears started. I made a vow then that I wont waste my life, I will make it beautiful and amazing for both of us. I will love what I do, I will be grateful each day, and I will know that where I go, you go, and we have a lot in store for us. I love you. 

 I tried to write this the other night. I wanted to tell you some times i have been remembering, like the time you were in treatment in jeff city and you got a pass. You didnt have enough time to come home.so we decised to go see a movie. 
i ended up getting us lost we ened up all the way in the Lake of ozorkd to go to a movie. we were laughing so hard I almost peed in my pants and the movie suck.
I also keep remembering when you were like four or five and you ask me to marry you and I had told you I couldn;t marry you and you said pleas mom pleasr marry me. That was one of the most persious memberes I have. 
I know the spelling is all missed up. I keep pushing spelling check and it say no miss spelled words we we know better than that.
  However son I miss you more that words and even speak. 

I was going through your baby book I found this song that I had written down.
it went like this.
  I love my boy of mine Branden is his name.
He likes to play bateman and spiderman any super hero
That fights the bad for good.
Dont matter who he is he always wins.
He fights the bad to keep the good that's who my boy is.
I love my boy of mine Branden is his name.
on the way to school he loves to play the ABC agame
He can count higher the most kids his age.
He is the smartes boy I know that son of mine.
then it says
I love you baby boy with all my heart.
it dated 10/28/99 

I don;t know where to begain i have written to you many times and for some reason I couldn;t get them posted.
 I seen a photo the other day of me and your sisters and brother before you were born. It just hit me that ther will be other photos and you will not be in them.
 i cant't even put into words how much I miss you.
 How I am still trying to find a way to make a new life with you gone.
I have talked to a few of your friends. they are still thinking of you and missing you.
I want you to come to me in a dream tell me your happy and at peace that you feel love and believe in your self 

So it's just days before Christmas, and I can honestly say, I'm not sure if this year will be any easier than last. Throughout the months of your birthday and the anniversary of your death, I was doing ok. Much better than I thought I would be doing as we tried to honor you during those days. But as fall set in and the holidays loomed, I have fallen back into just a complete and utter sadness. It's differnt from the sadness I felt last year though. Last year was the absolute devastation of losing my little brother, trying to have our first holiday without you, and watching those around me suffer in their own grief. This year, it's more of a feeling of longing, of just really missing you. And not in "of course I love/miss my little brother" kind of automatic way, but really missing you, Branden Wyatt, the person you were, not just the person you were to me. I was at a party the other night and I was talking to a friend's little brother, someone I have known since he was super young, someone I had spent a lot of time with in the past. And all of the sudden it hit me, how much he reminded me of you. Your charisma, your pretend overconfidence, your smile, the way your cheeks got really red if you got embarrassed or when you were cold, your voice. All of the things that made you, you. Those are the things that I miss, and they are each a reason that Im struggling this holiday season. I read an article the other day about Scott Weiland's death, as a long time addict his ex-wife said that his children had "lost their dad long ago, what they lost the day he died was hope." I can't say that we lost you long ago because while you hadn't been the real Branden for much of the last couple of years of your life, I did get him back the last 6 months or so of your life, and I think that made that hope feel more real, more tangible. So I can definitely relate to that feeling of lost hope. I always hoped things would be different for you. Always hoped you would find your way, find acceptance, find happiness, and now that hope is gone, and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about it. To me, that’s the truest definition of lost hope there is. I love you, and I really really miss you

Well the day is here. It has officially been one year since you left us. It's really surreal, it feels like just yesterday that we got the news, but at the same time, I feel like so much has happened since then. The days after your death seem like a blur, a whirlwind. What I remember most from those days are the people. The ones who were there for us and supported us through the darkest days of our lives. I have been feeling very anxious about this day, not knowing how I would feel or how I would handle it. Sometimes, when I feel ok, it makes me feel so bad. I feel like my intense grief and sadness is the only tangible connection I have to you, and I want so badly to hang on to that. I'm terrified to continue through the grieving process because I'm afraid if I heal, I will lose you. Today I have actually been feeling an immense amount of gratitude. I am grateful to the people who love and support me and made an impact on me, no matter how big or small, during this process. I am even more grateful for my relationship with Danielle and mom, and most of all, I am so grateful that the intolerable pain I felt this time last year is slightly more tolerable today. I guess if I have learned anything this year, it's that through all of the sorrow and pain and stuff we go through, I do have a lot to be grateful for, and its something I need to recognize and practice more in my every day life. The lessening of pain today does not mean I love or miss you any less, it just means today, at this very moment, I'm doing ok, no telling what tomorrow will bring. I love you Branden, I miss you every day.

~ 

Alicia

Hi son today marked the one year anniversary of your passing. Your dad and i spent the day together. we figured since it was the worst day of our lives last year we should spend it together this year. 
I woke up this morning feeling all shaky inside. I was fearful to walk through this day, I didn't want to relive the worst day of my life. your dad came over we went to breakfast. we didn't know what we were doing we really needed a third person to to just decide and get us there. 
We went to the landing and a place called garden park. when we got there a band was playing that was great for us both. 
they didn't play long enough. we walk around taking some pictures wanting to remember what we did together on this day.
Your dad and I worried about each other not knowing how we were going to be taking this day. We went and ate some hot chicken wings in honor of you son. 
I called your ama today just to tell her that you loved her very much. I couldn't talk to her long knowing I was going to break down.
I know you would of wanted me to reach out to her. 
There are no words son to express how much I miss you and my hearts aches so much. 
if I didn't have your sisters I would be with you. I have days I feeling I am starting to heal. only to find myself in bed for a week question if i even want to be here. 
I love and miss you so much I will write soon

i love you son

bro lol remeber when we was at ur crib drinking and i walked into that room thinking it was still yours and it was pitch black and that dude freaked out on my thinking i was trying to rob him LOLLLLLLLLLLL miss ya buddy! i KNOW your a geeking reading this

I think about you all the time buddy! I miss my partner and crime . dude we did so much crazy shit togeather i  dont even know where to start bro LOL remeber THE fucking food fight at UNION!!!!!!!!! i have to most vivid memory of you running across the lunch room sliding to take cover! LOL or that time we had a bonfire in ur back yard and we threw that rock at the car and they turned around and robbed us for like 10$ or something! bro u used to call me just bumping tech n9ne and asking me for songs to lsiten to ! bro  when we skipped school and just did all kinds of geek stuff lol we were so ate bro! either way ur my fucking boy always have been always will! or lol when we stole morgan carolsons moms beer on her back deck lol dude i have so many funny memroies i can almost hear ur laugh as i typing this I love ya bro ! i know ur up there bumping tech ! -B-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I haven't written in a while. Not because I am not thinking of you, and certainly not because I've already healed from losing you, I just haven't known what to say. I still think of you many many times a day, but its hard to describe how I'm feeling on any given day. The immense guilt I felt over what could or should have been done to prevent this tragedy has lifted, but its been replaced by the guilt I feel for starting to feel ok. Then there are still days where I am incredibly sad, or incredibly numb, and sometimes its easier to just not talk about it. I miss you. Its been exactly one year since I saw you or hugged you. Its a day I will never forget. I had no clue it would be the last time I would see you, but I'm grateful for the time I spent with you that day. Grateful that I got to hook my arm in yours as we walked, grateful I could lean over and give you a hug before you got out of the car. As we get closer and closer to the year anniversary of your death, I cant help but wonder what our lives would be like if none of this had happened. What your life would be like, where you would be, what you would be doing. I try not to dwell on it to much, but I know I will always wonder what would have been. We all love you and miss you very much.

Alicia

I was shopping for a birthday card for Alicia the other day. I noticed the category of "for brother from sister" and "for sister from brother," and it occurred to me this is yet another thing I will never do for you/receive from you. 
It really does seem like this whole process is two steps forward and then one backwards.
Love you. Miss you.

Danielle

I have been thinking of you a lot today. It's been almost a year since you died. I have been wondering how long your death would shadow things and remain a current defining moment in my life. I had gone a few days where thinking of you did not happen during my morning routine. I saw progress in this, and yet felt some guilt at the same time. This morning I was hit with intense sadness about you. Then, coincidentally one of our nephews posted a message about you. It reminded me of how much we affect others, and how rarely we realize this. I hope that you are now aware of this somehow. 

I miss and love you.

Danielle

Happy Birthday Branden. Cannot believe you would have been 21 this week. For some reason I have always put your 21st birthday up on this pedestal. I guess I always held on to hope that you could beat your addiction, and be able to go have your first legal drinks with no issues, be able to celebrate it "normally." I have been struggling with my feelings about this day, and what to say. I feel sadness and guilt that you spent your last birthday away and I missed your call that day, and that I bought you a card and totally forgot to send it. I guess I have also been struggling with your birthday because I realize, chances are,if you were still here, your addiction would still have a grip on you, and maybe we wouldn't have spent your 21st birthday together anyway. Either way my dream is shattered. There has been a ton of recent arrests and busts that have been all over the media, with pictures of the people and houses that have been targeted, and I can say that I am grateful that you were spared from being apart of that. Every time I read the stories and look at the images, I wonder who you might have known. This week has been overwhelming to say the least. I love you Branden and I miss you so so much, Happy Birthday kiddo.

Alicia

Hi baby it's your 21st birthday today. We are having a party in honor of your life. we are meeting at a park having some good food, and releasing 21 balloons. you were born at 10;21 I tried to smile as that time came today, however I started crying and laughing at the same time. 
I had dinner with Amanda the other day with her new boyfriend. Branden you would of liked him.
Amanda has 10 months in clean some of that is due to you and her boyfriend. 
Your 21st birthday was not suppose to be this way.
you were going to go out with your sisters and have your first drink in a bar. your life should of been just begin.
Your Dad and I will be together in honor of you birth. Your dad was so proud the day you were born. I cant stop crying son some times I think it gets harder to be with out you as time passes.
This last week it seems just as hard to accept your gone, as it was when I was told you were gone. 
I don't know how any parent lives a normal life after loosing a child. 
I keep thinking what some one told me, that maybe God spared you a life time of pain. when I think of it that way some times it helps.
For I would rather be in pain then you be in pain.
I miss you so much I body just aches still.
Your brother has back surgery yesterday everything is fine. I told myself if something had happen to him, I would be joining you both.
You were such a beautiful little boy. Actually when you were a baby you were kind of ugly, but always loved baby. 
people still post on your face book in missing you. I wished you would of know in your heart how loved you were by so many people.
I want you to come to me please in a dream let me know your happy and at peace. 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVING SON.

I had a dream about you the other day. It began as work, with me being outside at a picnic table with some fictional child. Then suddenly our family was there. You were maybe 6 years old. You and I were joking about what would happen if you ate paper. I guess I began to realize this was a dream, that you were gone. I started crying in the dream, while everyone else continued with the picnic. I woke up and then felt very mad at myself for waking up. I tried to go back to sleep, but of course that did not work.
I miss you. I still think about you dozens of times a day.

danielle

It's been awhile since I've posted on here, but I still get emails to my phone when someone posts on here & I read through them. It's still not real that you're gone, sometimes I feel like it's still some dream when I know that it is very much a real thing. I miss you and I still continue to cherish all the memories that I have with you. You were a very special part of my life & had a big impact on how I molded into the person I am today. You may be gone but one thing is certain, I won't forget you. You are forever in my heart & I hope that you are watching down on all of us especially your family. I love you.

Morgan Carlson

Someone asked me the other day if I was a big sister or a little sister. As I began to automatically respond with, "I'm both" I hesitated. Am I still considered a big sister now that you are gone? Is that a title I still get to carry even though I will never again play that role? My heart tells me yes of course I will always be your big sister, but in a situation such as that one, what was the correct response? I ended up saying I'm both, but my little brother actually passed away recently. I could tell this really embarrassed the person I was talking to, which I knew it would. While I didn't mean to go out of my way to make them uncomfortable, it felt wrong to leave you out. Just another example of a common situation that is completely foreign and different now, something else I have been struggling with. I read a quote the other day that said "when a sibling dies, you lost the past and the future." I thought that summed up my feelings in relatively simple way. I grieve for our past, your short past, but I am also absolutely devastated for the new future we have to face without you. I miss you. More than anything I hope you knew how freaking much you were loved and how much you are missed. I hope you never felt we would be better off without you, because we are not. We are broken without you. I FINALLY had another dream about you last night, it had been a while. But there you were plain as day, on your phone of course. And as I hugged and kissed you and made such a big deal of you being there, you couldn't figure out why. In my dream you had no clue you were gone. You thought everything was normal, and I couldnt tell you otherwise. I just sat with you until I woke up. I love you so so much kiddo and I miss you every minute of every day.

Alicia

Hello son I wrote some thing for you. I am having your dad write some misc to this.
I know you have to be playing your music for all the angles to hear,
Your probable jamming with some old times that got to heavens gates before you arrived.
old timers like Hendrix Joplin and Bob Harley. Just to mention a few.
I hope they know how bless they are to have you up in heaven.
all I have lifted here on earth is a emptiness in my heart,
now that your addiction can't ho;d you prisoner, you free to explore the talent you lost sight of here on earth.
I know your free from all your pain shame and guilt.
you fear has been replaced the faith from your holy father you have met.
I hope they know how bless they are to have you up in heaven.
Here on earth all i have is an emptiness in my heart,
Son do you have moon shine or is it sunny all the time.
I know you have had the best pizza and hot wings than you have ever tasted.
I hope they know how bless they are to have you up in heaven,
Here on earth I am left with a emptiness in my heart.
Have you seen your grandparents some friends your uncle Randy or Tom.
Knowing your happier up in heaven is what helps me take my next breath.
i love you son and miss you more than words could express.
till we meet again in heaven i will carry you in my heart

I just want to tell you again and again that I miss you and love yo sooo much

I found this poem about grief the other day.
"You don't get over it
You just get through it
You don't get by it
Because you can't get around it
It doesn't just "get better"
It just gets different
Every day...
Grief puts on a new face."
Miss you Branden

Danielle

Hi baby Easter has gone and passed and some how I got through the day. I tried to keep busy but you where on my mind and heart all day long. I don't know how to do this son live with out you. I am just taking one day at time, It just don't seem to be getting any better.
I love you baby and miss you sooooo much

Hello son
I got a phone call from one of your friends asking for you. His name was Roman he said you met in jail.
He had not known what had had happen, I told him.
I also asked him to please not to do the same thing to his mother and loved ones. that the pain is so great.
I told him that if he finds himself in a place he needs help to please call me. I couldn't save you son maybe I can help someone else. 
I know that's what you would want me to do.
If you have any pull up there, can you get to your father and let him know your ok.He is having a hard time.
I love you and muss you so muck

There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry because my baby boy is gone. son being with out you is not getting any easier. I don't know how to put my life back together after it being ripped apart.
I am not any closer to understanding or acceptance of you being gone, then I was the day the detectives came to our house and told me. I had a dream about you the other nite i have had a few of them since you have been gone. this was the first dream I'v had, where I was able to hold you kiss on you and play with that beautiful curly hair of yours
I know I have never felt pain like this before
The only thing that keeps me here on this earth right now, is not wanting your brother or sisters to go through the pain of loosing their mother. they are already is so much pain of loosing their you.
I love and miss you so much son please come back to me in my dreams that's all i have right now
love mom

So we have made it over 6 months without you. I wish I could say that in that time I have come to some sort of profound understanding or acceptance of you being gone. But I have not. We keep going about with our lives because we have no other choice, we have to, but that doesn't mean that the absence of your presence isn't felt every minute of every day. I miss you. Everywhere I look things remind me of you, I find myself bringing you up in everyday conversations just to be able to talk about you in a "normal" way. I have been writing about you a lot, it helps me work through some of my feelings about how we got to this point, but mostly it helps me remember you, especially the small little details that I am so afraid to forget. I sincerely hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel to the intense grief we all still feel. We love you and miss you so so much Branden.

Alicia

It's still hard to believe you are gone. I still cry everyday. I am still subject to random crying spells while driving or out in public (luckily the weather has broken so wearing sunglasses will make it less noticeable). I try to think of the potential grace in it all; that at least you will not suffer anymore. But it doesn't diminish how much we all still miss you.

Danielle

I was at a meeting two nights ago. Parents who lost a child to heroin.at the end of the meeting we were ask to share something about our child that made us smile. I thought about the time you asked me to marry you. I had said son I can't marry you and you said please mom please marry me. 
I thought that was the sweetest thing any one has ever said to me. I truly miss you my love
Love mom

I have been very aware of my heightened empathy for people facing loss the last few months. I guess I never truly realized how painful it is until I lost you. I managed to think I had a couple good weeks, until I realized I was just not letting myself really think of your death. However my mind wouldn't let me escape it because I dreamt about you last night. It's still just so incredibly devastating that you are gone.

Danielle

Ok baby it's now a few weeks after New year's. If you can see what goes on down here, you know I am not doing well. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I just don't know how to walk through this pain. I love and miss you so much. Son come to me in a dream or something I need some hope your in a better place. Love mom

trina Diveley,

It is now days after Christmas, I can say Christmas was a really hard day for me. i didn't get out of bed. All i could do was cry and sleep cry and sleep. i didn't want to talk with any one or be around any one. i am glade it's over. I look forward to the new year. I just want 2014 to be over. 
i remember when you were a little boy and couldn't go to sleep on Christmas eve you wanted to wait up for Santa to come. how big your eyes would get when you woke up Christmas morning. the year when you were 2 and got your first set of drums. I remember when you were five. you asked me to marry you. i said baby I can't marry you and you kept saying please mom marry me. Damn son I miss you so much.
I found a birthday card you gave me last year for my birthday, the only card you got me all on your on i cried when I read it, at the same time was so glade i found it. I have it sitting up on my TV so I can keep reading the words. I miss you baby 
love Mom

Merry Christmas. I thought a lot about you last night. I thought about how the three of us would sleep in the same room on Christmas Eve, Alicia and I going along with your belief in Santa (and you never slept alone). I thought about our phone call about last Christmas. I still have all these texts from you. I haven't deleted them, but I also don't read them. Honestly, most of them are really sad.I haven't decided what I will do with them. 
I really miss you. It is still surreal you are not here. There is still a tiny part of my brain that likes to believe it is somehow not true.
I love you.
Merry Christmas,

Danielle

So its Christmas Eve, a day we have all known was looming on the horizon, a day I think we would all just rather forget this year. I have been wondering how I would feel today, and honestly, at this point, it feels like any other day. Maybe that is the change since you are gone, holidays feel just like any other day now. I have moments of such numbness, when I think maybe I am finally all cried out, but then I have other moments with the most intense, overwhelming feeling of grief and loss and my tears come back. As I still struggle to accept your death, I have been thinking a lot about all of the future events that will no longer happen. How I always talked about taking you out on your 21st birthday, your wedding day, or when you had a child. Or that my future child wont ever know their uncle Branden, and that makes me so sad. You were supposed to be here for all of those things and more, to be apart of our family as life unfolded. Unfortunately we have already endured holidays without you. Our last Christmas together was in 2012, but we had no clue it would be our last. I love you so so much Branden. The world truly is a darker place without you in it. I miss you, Merry Christmas.

Alicia

We just had our first thanksgiving with out you son. I did my best to hold back my tears.
I didn't want to bring the family down, However I know we were all thinking of you.
Now Xmas is right around the corner I really don't know if I want to do this any more. I was moving some things, I found a box that said Branden's baby things. I couldn't bare to open the it and look at your things. I carry a photo of you and me at all times. I talk to you every day telling I love you and miss you so much.
I don't know son if I am strong enough to keep on breathing some times the pain is too much. I love you baby I really miss you

I was asked the other day if I have siblings. I answered the question the same way I have for the past 20 years, thinking I should not tell this semi-stranger that you are gone. She then proceeded to ask me what I was getting my younger brother for Christmas (she needed ideas). I did not want to make things “awkward” so I pretended like you were alive; as if I knew what I was going to buy you for Christmas; as if I was going to see you on Christmas. I walked away thinking about how I would need to eventually change how I answer that question or become comfortable telling people you are gone in casual conversations. I do not really know what I will do.
Like Alicia, I also put up my Christmas tree. I also thought a lot about you. I thought about that picture of you and Alicia in front of the tree when you were younger. I thought about how it was on a memory board at your funeral. I saw Alicia later in the day and it turns out she had the same thoughts about the Christmas tree, of you, and of the picture. It's nice that she is one of the few people I know that can completely relate to how I feel. But it is sad that this is yet another thing she and I have bonded over. 
I really miss you.

Danielle

I put up my Christmas tree tonight, and it was so so sad. That used to be an event we always did together as a family, and honestly it hurts to even look at it. I'm trying, I'm really really trying but I still cant seem to get it together. There are moments when I am in sheer panic because I think that I cant remember your voice. And then I can hear you clear as day in my head, but I wonder how long that memory will last. I have other moments when I think everything will be ok, and that too quickly disappears. I feel like the people around us are starting to move on, continuing on with their lives, and I dont blame them, but I simply cant. There is not substitute for my little brother. I love you, I miss you.

Thanksgiving was difficult. I kept being hit with waves of anxiety about the fact that you were not there and would never be there again. I have been thinking a lot about the special relationship people have with younger siblings. I used to help you get dressed, taught you things, and watched the same movies repeatedly because they were your favorite. I remember how Alicia and I would act out Barney songs to entertain you. I am still just indescribably sad that you are gone. I hope that you are at peace.

Danielle

Sometimes I almost forget that you aren't around anymore, I feel like it was all some nightmare and that you're off singing and goofing around but I get a hard reality check when I read through your guest book. I miss you & I think about you a lot & cry about as much. I hope that you are at peace up in heaven & are watching over all of us, especially your wonderful family. Happy holidays Branden. Give me some sort of sign that you're still around and watching over us, I could really use it.

Morgan Carlson,

Thinking about you everyday my heart feels unable to be re sewn. I'm so lonely without you no matter who I'm around. You bring me comfort when I'm most down, keep holding on for you. I love you Branden forever and always

So its been three months, and we have had our first holiday without you. It was difficult to have Thanksgiving without you here. It will always be difficult to have holidays without you. I have never gone this long without seeing or talking to you, and while its been super hard, its even more overwhelming to know that it will always be like this. Everyday I think about the last time I saw you, the last time I talked to you, and I wish I could go back to that day more than anything. I still feel so much regret and guilt over losing you and I wish there was something I could do to change the outcome, but I know I can't. I love you Branden, I really hope you knew how much we all love you.

Alicia Pyatt

Tomorrow is thanksgiving son, you will not be sitting at the table with us. I an tell you one thing for sure you are in all our hearts.
Grandma passed 35 days after you, I hope you are all together at peace most of all feeling safe and sense that you belong. I am so sorry son if I would of known, I would of done anything to save your life. I should of been there for you. instead of you were left on your own. I would of giving up my life if I had that choice. There is not a day that goes by I don't think of you and cry. My heart still aches the same as the same day I was told.I hope you can see how much you were loved. I wish you were here, us just playing around.I am trying son to go on with my life.Some days I don't think I can go on, 
Then your sisters or brother call me letting me know that I must find a way to keep going on. 
I love you so much son I miss you more than anything in life. Happy thanks giving son

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I was recently in Mexico and it was during the Day of the Dead rituals. This made me think that on your birthday we should do something similar....make a tribute to you and bring some of your favorite foods and hats. I actually thought about the time you claimed you were allergic to bone-in chicken wings and how I would need to bring boneless wings if we celebrated the Day of the Dead. 
It was strange to be in a such a beautiful and relaxing place and then suddenly experiencing these waves of remembering you were gone.I really wish I could talk to you again.

Danielle