So a sunrise made me cry the other day. That’s what I have been reduced to, crying on my way to work while looking at a sunrise. Actually, it wasn’t a sad cry, or even a happy cry. It was more like an overwhelmed cry. Tears just fell from my eyes, like automatically. There was no sobbing, or heaving, like I sometimes do in the car when I think about you, it was like my eyes just got very wet and tears started falling.
It was really kind of incredible. Sunrises have easily become the best part of my morning commute. And as I went about my three highway route, I got to see every phase of the sunrise. From the backlite clouds, to the sun finally coming up over the horizon. I was absolutely consumed by watching the amazing scene unfolding and the intense colors.
Eminimien and Lil Wayne, two of your favs, was blaring through my stereo, and suddently I thought of you. I felt a rush of gratefulness. I felt truly grateful that you were around to hear this song when it came out, Isnt that weird? What a weird thing to feel grateful for, but I could just imagine you listening to it. Then I got a sudden image in my head of you up in haven, the sky was your canvas, and you were painting it just for me. It was like I could actually see you holding the round wood paint palette, and stepping back to assess your work. I got this feeling that you are free to explore all sorts of different art forms now. Things you would never have done when you were here. But deep down, I don’t believe it. I wish I could. I wish I could believe that image of you in heaven and painting the sky, just for me, but I know that really it is just me assigning meaning to an everyday occurance as I continue through the grief process.
But then I was hit with a feeling of such clarity. No you may not be in "heaven," but in the end, you really are truly, truly free now. All the pain, the shit, all of it, is gone. You are utterly and totally at peace. And while I don’t believe in an afterlife, I know with absolute certain that your “spirit” does live on, it’s in me. It is me. I am your spirit. I have often wondered and quite frankly felt very guilty about the fact that I made it and you didn’t. It's something I have questioned a lot over the last 18 months. But in the end, it doesn’t matter why or how. The fact is what it is. I am here and you are not. And I feel like its almost disrespectful to you for me to not to love life every day, to not do things that make me uncomfortable, not do all of the things you couldnt do while you were here, things you will never be able to do now. I can do these things and you are with me as I do them. I know that now. You are alive inside me. As corny as that sounds, I truly felt that way as I drove and watched the sunrise. That's when the tears started. I made a vow then that I wont waste my life, I will make it beautiful and amazing for both of us. I will love what I do, I will be grateful each day, and I will know that where I go, you go, and we have a lot in store for us. I love you.