I cant believe its 12 years that i have struggled on alone without you.
I miss you every minute of every single day and think of you constantly every day.
It never ever gets easier and the pain and sadness never lessens or eases.
Lighty misses you as ever too.
I am so sorry Claire and i pay the price for letting you down by having to endure my life without you.
I Love and Miss you Honey Bee XXXX

Happy Birthday Honey Bee XXXX
Thinking of you as always
Millions of Love
From mum XXXX

Well, here arrives 2024 Honey Bee
It is still unbelievable that you are not here and that my heart has kept on beating all this time without you by my side and being the purpose of my life. It just never gets easier. Not one single day. It take it as my karma for letting you down.
I'm sorry I didn't post a candle on Christmas day. I was going to, intended to . It was just another hollow day. Of course you are in my thoughts every day as always, but Christmas time is always especially painful with the memories of how much you loved Christmas, how we both did together. Now it's a time to be got through somehow with fortitude . I didn't want to just post a candle as routine, I wanted it to feel like the right moment, but it never came so I've just felt bad about not doing it on the day. I'm still a let down. I will post it on time in future . I Love you Claire. I will always Love You with every fibre of my being. I miss you you so so so much. It is unbearable. I look forward to being with you again every day. Eventually my turn will come . Thinking of you Honey Bee X X X X As always XXXX Lighty sends his Love and misses you too XXXX

I Love You Honey Bee XXXX
I Miss You So So much every single day Claire XXXX
Every day is as sore as the first second you were gone XXXX
I wrote your name in the sand at Cullen for you XXXX
Thank you for the double rainbow there  babe XXXX

Happy Birthday Honey Bee XXXX, beautiful darling daughter Claire XXXX
Missing you terribly as always, 
Thinking of you always and always loving you with all my heart n soul. I Love You XXXX
Happy Birthday from Lighty XXXX

I Love you Honey Bee X X X X

I MISS you so so much every single day, day and night
for 10 years now and until the day i die,
i cant believe that i have had to struggle through a barren life without you all this time, it feels incredible to have suffered like this for so long with no end date known to me,
I accept it as karma for letting you down, for being selfish.
every day i look forward to being with you again
and until that time i will go on missing and wanting to be with again,
Lots and lots of love from mum X X X X

Happy Birthday Honey Bee X X X X
sorry for putting off checking in,it is the 19th still but it will roll into 20th by time of posting, sorry, it makes me so sad, i didnt realise that the music could be muted so that will help as it always sets me off crying, welling up at the thought of it as you were indeed gone too soon.
you will know that i did of course go to the cemetery . I went on Christmas day as usual too but i was too sad to check in, kept meaning to but i knew that you would know that i had been over. I miss you so so much babe, Miss you so so much, every single day, 24 hours a day. That will never change. Remember and send me tunes babe, I LOVE YOU , Always and Forever, Happy Birthday Darling. X X X X

i always dread the build up to this day Claire, its so sad with March being your favourite month because of the daffodils .The fresh spring air and the start of better weather for us going for walks.
Every day without you is still as painfull and pointless as the first one since your passing. Missing you never gets easier, nor would I even want it to. My love for you never lessens with the passing of time, I am as close to you as ever darling. I love you and miss you so very much Honey Bee. I Love You , X X X X

Happy Birthday Honey Bee X X X X

feels so sad to say happy
but i know thats what you would want me to say.

I love you so much and miss you always and even more with each passing day without you.
Happy Birthday Claire X X X X
Love and Hugs and Kisses from mum X X X X

Hi Honey Bee,
Hi Babe,
God! Time just keeps going on and on without you, it hard to comprehend how long ago it is that you left me as it still feels like yesterday in that the pain of not having you never diminishes. I miss you every day, throughout the day. I wish your spirit would visit me more.
I got an email from Alistair, boy wonder today, for the first time in 7 years a brief happy mothers day and to tell me that he took some of your ashes up a mountain yesterday on your anniversary. i went to the cemetery of course as you know. I miss you so much Claire that is quite unbearable. people all over the world are dropping like flies with that virus. my lungs have been so sore for so long - with grief probably- that i hope some one good and loved is spared and im taken instead. it makes me so sad to always hear in the news of young ppl that are very much loved and wanted passing too soon, when heres me sat never seeing anyone. the first anyone would know ive gone is when the dogs start barking after they have eaten me all over a week ha ha. sad but true.,, the only person that ever loved me in my whole life was you Honey Bee, Thank you for that, And sorry for not appreciating more at the end when everything went horribly wrong.
Bye just now Honey Bee, Lots and Lots of Love from mum X X X X

Happy Birthday Honey Bee X X X X

I am still just sat here sadly living a slow death waiting to be with you.
Every minute of every day is a void without you. I still never hear from Alistair so I have given up chasing after him for contact, years of being ignored. Can you imagine that Claire, who would have ever thought that possible. Everything in my world fell apart without you. You were my world.
God knows why im still trapped here just waiting desperately to leave. My health is quite poor now, that seems so unlikely and unlike me too isn't it. My health crashed without you. Who I used to be ceased when you left.
I miss you so much Honey Bee, and think of you all through every day - and night. I,m so soul depth sorry for letting you down. None of us were worthy of you. You are a very Special Soul Claire.
Good night Honey Bee.
I LOVE YOU.
ALWAYS AND FOREVER.
Love from mum
X X X X

Another milestone day for us Claire.
I miss you so much . I know you still make contact with me.
Thank you very much for my present today . Remember and join me on that particular journey that you have shared with me about our love of art. You are still my driving force and inspiration with art.
I LOVE YOU lots Honeybee.
Always and Forever X X X X
Love from mum and Your pony Lighty - have you been watching him acting all frisky this month , old as he is . He has never stopped missing you either . Hugs and Kisses from Lighty X X X X

Its Hard to say Happy Birthday Honey Bee but I know that you would want me to; Happy Birthday Honey Bee X X X X. 
today would have been your 30th. a special birthday that you never got to see. It blows my mind that so so much time has passed without you and that im still stuck here feeling every single minute of your absence. It doesn't get any easier, the more time passes the crueller it seems that I have to endure all these days without you. Days upon days without any point or reason. Ill never begin to understand it. so much pain in missing you so much. unbearable pain. sorry ive nothing good to say other than that im still hurting and missing you and totally lost without you. I have lit a candle for you Claire. I Love You X X X X

Hello HoneyBee X X X X, Sorry for taking so long to come in to leave a message. I was travelling early on your birthday and away for a few days and didn't realise that I wouldn't be able to connect to the internet. Needless to say I thought of you deeply and profoundly all day on your birthday. as always you felt only a heart beat away. I don't have the internet at my flat and since I got back I kept meaning to but putting it signing in as it makes me so deeply sad to come onto this page and see it all here in black and white so to speak. I still cant face these sort of things, I still cant have your photo up on display. im not trying to forget you as I know you know as you are the missing half of my heart every day that I continue to exist without you. I don't know what to say on what would of been your birthday day, I don't know babe. I did say Happy Birthday in a dream as you know I hope. I will come back on to leave a message about where I was and whats been happening. I miss you so painfully. I love you so deeply Claire X X X X

5 years...It seems incredible.. for that amount of time to have passed without you by my side in the world. I have felt every second of your absence, as I am sure to continue to. I miss you so much dear sweet Claire. My heart and soul is crushed. Crushed under the weight of grief and shame, guilt and remorse at letting you down. I'm so, so deeply sorry. Its a terrible cross to bear, but nothing in comparison to not having you. I love you Claire X X X X

This would have been your birthday today Honey Bee X. You loved your birthday so much. X X X X
I am so devastated in every way that you are no longer here. Every day is just a drudge of not even feeling like an existence without you. I am haunted every day at my regrets at letting you down. I am so so so sorry. and now I pay the price. and Such a price I pay. nearly 5 years now since you left, and I am still here! I wish I knew what the point of me still being here in the world is for when it is so unhappy and such a struggle for me in every way. I miss you so much sweet darling. I Love You X X X X

Claire loved all kinds of art and creativity. She was very wise and insightfull about many things she had no personal experience of. She had obviously been been here before and had learned a lot. Claire enjoyed reciting this poem ;

Twice Shy by Seamus Heaney

Her scarf a la Bardot,
In suede flats for the walk,
She came with me one evening
For air and friendly talk.
We crossed the quiet river,
Took the embankment walk.

Traffic holding its breath,
Sky a tense diaphragm:
Dusk hung like a backcloth
That shook where a swan swam,
Tremulous as a hawk
Hanging deadly, calm.

A vacuum of need
Collapsed each hunting heart
But tremulously we held
As hawk and prey apart,
Preserved classic decorm,
Deployed our talk with art.

Our Juvenillia
Had taught us both to wait,
Not to publish feeling
And regret it all to late -
Mushroom loves already
Had puffed and burst in hate.

So, charry and excited,
As a thrush linked on a hawk,
We thrilled to the March twilight
With nervous childish talk:


Due to medical negligence, Claire was severley physically disabled. But she did not have a learning disability. Claires life and mine was destroyed by social services agencies making it a legal fact that she had. and so gave them all the legal power to take a front seat in every aspect of our lives. Her rights. and mine were disregarded. it blows my mind to the point that i cant bear to even think of it for a second. of a second , how much wisdom Claire had in her little finger in comparison to each and every one of those so called professionals. They are meer fools. Claire did not suffer fools. it must have been absolute tortoure for her to have to endure being patronised and handled by so so many fools. Claire was like a diamond, so many shimmering faucets to her character and personality, great dignity, integrity and class. She really really was one of a kind. regretably i turned out to be a fool also, because i ended up taking Claire for granted, to my lasting shame. The light has gone out of me without her.
I am So Sorry. my life and existence since has made sure that i pay the price for making so many mistakes. Never with intention, just being a selfish idiot, such a long list of fools Claire had to put up with, its bizarre. truely bizarre lives we have both had.

4 Years! 4 years Claire. that i have trudged these roads without you, your absence is painfully felt every step of the way. You most definately went too too soon. Shity elgin lay dormant for years and you grew very bored with the daily humbrum of the place. now paths and tracks have been tarmaced that we could have strolled along with ease. we stopped going to the park bcause the paths were too lumpy and your chair by then too heavy and tippy for it to be comfortable or safe. i have to go past the park most days, but i couldnt face walking in. there is a great path all tarmaced along the edge of the river in a high bank. that hurts my heart and soul to see on the way pasr. i know for sure that we would have used these paths dog walking at least once a week. you could have recited the poem you memorised. " Twice Shy" by Seamus Heany" I will type it up on here for you since i am no longer with you to prompt you with the first word of a new line.
it makes me sad to wonder if you were looking down when some nasty person stole the things from your headstone. i walked for miles to put down flowers this xmas day past . to discover that some items were missing. who could look at the photo of your pretty smiling face on your memorial stone then help themself to things that obviously have a significant meaning for you. unbelievable.people are still horrible Claire. no change there. If you have already reincarnated. or for when you do, i pray that people are honest and decent to you. I have never met anyone else that comes even close to your unique specialness, wise, witty, generous and kind, loving and caring, full of courage, the heart of lion in bravery. determind, a great sense of adventure and zest for possibilities, until your life was governed and destroyed by others. i will write an account of some of it on here Claire so at least it is noted somewhere as no one wanted to know or do anything about it. MISS YOU SOOO MUCH Honey Bee X X X X

Missing you as ever Honey Bee, still as ever too deeply painful to express how much i miss you. Thinking about you today on what used to be your birthday, as i think about you every single hour of every day. Lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses from mum and Ewan X X X X

2 years already i have had to endure without you Claire. There is no words to describe the pain that is constant without you X X X X this is what i do without you. . .. . . Ewan misses you terribly. Your absence in the world is a void that cannot be filled or not felt. We love you always and forever X X X X Lots of Love from mum and Ewan X X X X

I miss you so so much Honey Bee, i long to hug you and be with you again. I am nothing and pointless without you. i think about you every second of every day, there is no joy to be had without you, and anything that would have once been viewed as fun, is now tinged with sadness because you arnt there. i still always have fresh flowers you at home, and a candle lit at night, but am sure you know that as i feel you so close some days its as if you are right there by my side, i have lost you in my physical earthly life, but you havnt left me, Thank you Claire for not leaving me, love you lots Babe X X X X

you were so , so special, brave and wonderfull, i am so sorry that i forgot that, and lost my way, and in doing so, i lost you Claire, i am so sorry i let you go, i am nothing without you darling, i am shocked and totally confused and bewlidered as to why i let you down,, i am so sorry Claire, so , so sorry X X X X