I sit here trying to fathom what is happening.  What is going on? What has gone on? How did this come to this? 
So many questions and not one single answer.  How does a person like me who needs answers survive this?  Well, that I know the answer... with the Lords help.  That has to be the only way I can survive the loss of my son.  My Cody.  It hurts and I'm so tired of the hurt.  I'm so tired of seeing others hurt too.  But yet, I still can't understand how did Cody get to the point that he was so tired of the hurt that he took his own life?  I still and probably never will understand how my baby, my son, my Cody got to that point.  All the while day in day out he would laugh, smile, talk, plan.  How did he do it? 
It literally feels like my heart is breaking or broken.  The pain of being so helpless.  This is the child that God entrusted me with.  This is the child that I watched go off to surgery at 6 months old! This is the child that I watched find his way through the dark to turn the light on in the playroom for his sister.  This is the child who I found asleep in the play castle in his bedroom one night.  This is the child who so calmly thought to turn the steering wheel of the dune buggy up the hill to stop it from rolling down the hill!  This is the child I watched hold his baby brother so gently for the first time.  This is the child I watched his face as he explained so matter of factly how he didn't want to spend a lot of money on his first car because "statistics" show  that so many percentage of teenage drivers wreck their first car so it didn't make sense to him to put a lot of money into a car that would probably get wrecked.  This is the child who I raced to late one night after he wrecked his first car.  But the child who had enough wits about him in a desparate time to keep the wreck from being soooo much worse.  This is the child who I watched walk down a wooded trail with his younger brother as they talked.  And then again with his nephew a few  years later.  This is the child who I thought I would watch marry someday and bring me more grandchildren.  This is the child who I thought I would watch make a difference in this world.
OH WAIT! That part did happen... just not the way "I" thought.  Crazy as it is... my child made a huge impact in this world.  Maybe not the way I would have wanted, but He did.  His memorial service proved that to me by the over 300 people that came to show their love and honor and respect for my son!  The child I watched from his first breath til his last.
I am thankful God allowed me to see all of Cody's precious life!