I  had a dream I was standing at the sink washing dishes.  I was thinking of you and started to cry while washing.  The  tears were rolling down my cheeks. I looked up and you were sitting on the counter right next to me.  You said "why are you crying"  I replied, Because I am sad you are gone and I miss you and worry about the way you left this world.   You put your arms around my neck and your head on my shoulder and said " don't worry about me, I am where I should be and I am fine."

Thanks Cos, I did so need that. 

We were acting so silly here, trying to be serious and not smile.. what a joke... Miss you as we come close to your two year of your sad death.  Memories always w / me.. love you

   I will never forget the day you came into the salon at work and you saw the 3D sono of my 18 week baby in my belly.  You were so overwhelmed at the fact that you could see all her features and her fingures and toes.  You couldn't stop talking about it.  In fact I ran into some people who told me you couldn't stop talking about the pictures.  And how you kept saying I always was pro choice but I can't be after seeing these pictures.  I remember you saying that she was such a witness and blessing from God and that God was going to use her for great things.
    I am so glad you got to see my sweet angel who is about to turn two next month. I love that God just made you so in awe of her.  I am so sad to have just found out why you haven't been in in a while.  Everyone asks about you and I thought maybe you had just moved.  I am so sad that you had to go threw so much in life but I also know it molded you into who you are.  I wish that I could tell you that around the anniversary of your death i am expecting a baby boy.  You never got to see his sono but I know you would have loved it:-)  He is making a muscle:-)  I pray that threw the life of my son being born you are experiencing a new life with God.  I learned so much from you and pray that your death will never be forgotten.  With all my Love.

You have been gone almost eight months and my heart still grieves for you.  I wish I could say one day passes that your not on  my mind, but it does not.  I am filled with different emotions that I have never encountered.  Mostly next to sadness I am angry.  It was not your time.  You had so much to give to this world.   You were blinded by you grief and depression.  I so much wish there was something I could have done to make you see, believe that "this to shall pass",  You use to say, I am so strong.  It's not strenght that gets me through, its my belief in God.  I believe he gives us only what we can handle.  So many nights I prayed he would give you peace and carry your cross for you.  It was not meant to be.  One of these day I will say good bye to you. Let you rest in peace.  I am not ready just yet.  I love you now, I love you always.  

Cos, still thinking of you everyday.  Every room has a memory of you.  Whether its your slippers, the house key, a simple garbage pail floods me w/ your memory.  I miss you.  I am tired of crying over your loss.  Senseless!  You let the world beat you down.  I told you over and over, a handful of people are worthy of you.  You were to loving, thoughtful, sensitive.  I want to turn back the hands of time to try and save you but I can't.  I can only grieve for you.  I want just one day, only one, that I don't shed a tear for you.  I loved you so very much.  You know I would have climbed the mountain w/ you to get you to the top.  No matter how long it took.  You did not give anyone a chance.  I want to see you again someday.  I want God to forgive you for taking a life that wasn't yours to take, and embrass you with all the love he has to give.  I want to wake up one day and feel your spirit free.  To know you are safe in the hands of God and I can let go.  I want to cry but because I am laughing so hard over a good memory,
not from sadness or the unknown.  No that I love you, Vickie loved you, Fran and so so many family and friends.  Time will pass, life will go on, I will never stop thinking of you, hurting for your broken spirit and hoping when my time is up I will see you again.  Love you honey.  xo
 

I don't know if you can hear me, see me?  I miss you.  I miss your presence, your smell, your everything.  I carry with me such a heavy burden.  What could I have done?  You didn't have to leave, you could have stayed with me forever.  I did not know thats what you wanted.  I knew you were  alone but never lonely.  I can not seem to get, you were is such despair enough to chose to die.  I am broken hearted to the point of never really mending.  There is such sadness in my soul that perphaps I could have done something to help you.  But what?  I have to believe that from the day you were born this was the path of your journey.  I want to be able to see you some day, to hold you, to say I am sorry and that I forgive you.  I love you baby brother.  RIP
 

I am so angry and sad.  I can not get through this at all.  My husband is out and something as silly as going to the bathroom and not having to close the door because your not here makes me cry hysterically. I go in the room  where I found you and I see you there, your cologne penetrates the room.  I cry some more.  You never even gave any of us, me, Vick, your friends,  a chance to help you.  I know I was a good sister, daughter, wife, that doesn't help at all.  I would have walked through fire for you to try and help you with anything that came your way that you couldn't handle.  It was not fair what you did.  You promised me time and time again I would never have to go through this.  You broke my heart and my spirit. We just lost Joe.  You new something more would just kill me.  I'm angry with  you,  the Connors  and all those who let you down.  I have to forgive or I will never be able to put one foot infront of the other. You left a mess and I have to clean it up.  Its difficult enough going through your personals, finding things that floods me with memories.  You were so possessive of the material things and you left all this crap behind.  You told me hundreds of time "I remind you of ma" .   How could you break Ma's heart then?  I pray for a dream that I can hear you and see you and know your ok.  It never comes.   I love you Cos.  I thank you for the years of uplifting me when I was down and for the opportunity to share your last years with me.  Rest in the arms of those that have gone on before you.. Until then...smooch..

When life was simple.......I cherish the memories with my childhood friends, the life we had before we "lived" and learned...still appreciate each day as GOD knows what we go thru, what we've done and HE still loves us, damaged and all!

Awhhhhhhhhhhh Cos, I can not seem to get my head around this.  Just when I think I got it,  the emotion's come flooding through.  I knew you were sad, but never did I dream that you felt such despair.  You were such in inspiration to me growing up.  What fun we had.  Our conversations when I was down lifted me to the clouds.  You have know idea how you soothe the soul.  So many people mourn you today.  You left behind many that loved you from the minute you meet, I spent many days the pass five years asking god to give you piece of mind,, put  someone in your path that would light that fire back in you.  Either my crys weren't heard, or God's plan was not mine. I walk around my house and nothing but your memory and I am so sad.  I try to rejoice in the fact, your suffering is over, you can not feel pain, and no one will take from you or hurt you again.  I have yet to complete mourning for our brother Joe and now I carry you in my spirit. You always said " you remind me so much of ma"  what a compliment.  I love you baby, and I hope in this you found the peace you have been searching for since Ulysses was called home.  I will laugh, cry and love you and remember you always.  After all you were my meemoo.  God wrap his loving arms around those you left behind and give us all peace and comfort one day.  Rest in peace honey.  I love you.  Your italian twin.

As most know Cos and I are not but 11 months apart.  We use to walk to grade school together.  Everyday and I mean every day on the way to school he would take his dime, (thats all it was back then) stop a Nuzzio's barber shop and call my mother who we just left about 7 minutes before to tell her " I love you" Nuzzio use to smile and shake his head. Of course I was furious because the last few steps we had to run to get there on time.

Many years ago when Cos happened to be in NY visiting,  a second cousin or someone of my fathers passed.  Ma asked Cos to go with them to the wake.  Here comes brother down the stairs after dressing with his usual threads which included a red sneaker and a green one.  My father almost died, stating" Maathon.. your not going dressed like that".  My mother, who always put her two sense in says "leave him alone" When he got to the wake and stood in line to give condolences to the widow, she grabbed him and smiled and said "my god look at you how beautiful you are, come here and give me a kiss" My father again almost died.