Just a few words about the loss of a child. It's strange, I thought the pain of losing my son would hurt less as the years passed. As the memory of those 5 days in intensive care and the years of his sicknesses grow further and further away, I realize that it does not hurt less. I just seem to see it in a different light. I used to feel so alone, as if no one knew what its like to live in my mind, with my memories, the empty space in my heart that is always there. Over the years I have met many parents, and heard many stories of the kind of loss I endured and I realize that I am not alone. Each story is as heartbreaking as the next. Doesn't seem to matter how our children passed away, or how old they were, the pain is still just as agonizing for each of us. We deal with it differently, each of us suffering and healing and hurting in our own way.

It has been 11 years, but it still hurts like it was yesterday. The "what ifs" the "I should haves" still hurt with all the pain and agony one can ever feel. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I still remember how he would sing his Winnie the Pooh song and didn't yet know the words in its entirety "willy, nilly, silly ol airrrr"... we would sing this while he took a bath. He would cuddle with me in the morning, and chase each other around the kitchen table. He was my life, my everything, but no matter how hard I prayed or how much I cried, I could not make him better, I could not save him. I sometimes still just ache to be with him, to take his place, to hold his tiny body in my arms and smell his sweet scent and hear him tell me he loves me once more. I will never forget!!! I still cry myself to sleep at times, some times more than others, thinking of my baby. When its quiet and I am tired, and alone, I get weak, and all my strength that I have had to have all these years, just fades away and for a few min or more, I cry.. until I can not cry any more. I cry for what I never was able to tell him,  for what he never had the chance to tell me, for the pain he was in for those days on life support, the pain he was in his whole life, I cry for what he will never get to do or see, or be, I cry for all that I can not have of him. The pain I have endured is such a cruel never ending pain.  To bury a child goes against everything we are taught, we all know one day we will bury those of us in our lives that are older than us, and that alone is painful to think about. Your children are who you nurture and protect. When this fails, even if its not your fault, it is unfathomable.

I have learned so much from this. I appreciate each and every breath I take, I look at the world differently, and on those days that I forget the pain, I remind myself by looking at his picture. It grounds me, and brings me back into fully appreciating that though things may not go my way at times, and things may seem hard or difficult, I know that it can be worse. The worst day of my life was the day they told me my son had a 5% chance of making it through the night. I no longer live in the world I lived in before I heard those words. The words "I miss you" took on a new meaning. That day never leaves my memory, it is there, always haunting me. How do you make someone understand, who has not lost a child, how it feels? You don't, because they will never really know, they will only be able to imagine what it is like.

The day I lost my son I recall sitting outside the hospital, looking at the green park across the street, watching the birds fly overhead, the cars pass by, people walking by laughing and talking. I thought to myself, how can the world continue as if nothing has happened? How can the sun shine, birds fly, and how can I breathe again? Well I made it 11 years, and still going! This is just a small blurb about the loss of a child. Perhaps I will turn this into a book, of how I made it through, as I know reading books about other parents making it through helped me tremendously. It helps to know that people from all walks of life can all endure the same kind of pain.

Most of all, kiss your kids, and never for one moment take it for granted that tomorrow will come for any of us, if you think that way, then you will be able to make the most of each day that the miracle of life has brought you, with them.