Happy birthday Donna. You live on in my mind and are always close to my heart. 
Still remembering you always.

A couple nights ago I dreamed about you. There you were helping me at yet another of life's turns from the grave. Then I got an email birthday reminder the next day.

Thank you, and happy birthday. Wherever you are.

It's been a year. Almost. Maybe more. I don't even know the day. I wish I could have been there to save you. To make you laugh and smile again. To say goodbye.

I miss you still. I always will.

I struggle with what to say. I missed so much and regret that what little I can say seems so inadequate. All I know is I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I don't want to be disrespectful to those who stood by you when you weren't the perfect person who ran with me. And oh my how we ran! 

We ran to find and taste every sweet thing in life that we could because we knew how short it could be. We ran because it was fun. But we ran together to escape. To escape the pain of how we felt. To escape the guilt of our pasts. To escape the demons that haunted us in our sleep and oftentimes even when we were awake. Always there.

The heart of a woman holds many secrets I've heard. I know this is true and I know you held many too. You were ready to say goodbye a long time ago, and you knew I never would be ready. Something deep inside knew that we weren't meant to be entwined that way. A candle that burns that brightly lasts only a short time. And then it is gone. Together we burned brighter than the day and lit up the nights as we flamed. This place isn't ready for us, yet you stayed.

You will always be beautiful in my eyes. No matter how many faults you had. No matter what anybody says about you. You will always be the big sister who unofficially adopted me playfully adding, always, that you couldn't be my adopted mom because I was too old and people would never buy it. 

You'll always be perfect to me. Just a beautiful soul so very misunderstood. Just a person who saw it all and got it. And as scary as that was, you saw the beauty in it. 

You saw something in me when nobody else seemed to. You told me I was perfect and beautiful just the way I was and made me promise to never change. Nobody else before that - even my own blood - ever loved me that way.

So I make this memorial for you and for anyone who might want to see. To see the beautiful person you were through my eyes. I'll be attaching a letter in the coming days. Maybe more than one I don't know how this goes yet. I still have things to tell you; things I need to say. Music to play for you. Songs to sing to you. 

I wasn't ready to say goodbye, and I'm still not. I wonder if I'm the only one.