To live in the hearts of those we love is never to die. (Thomas Campbell) 

This evening, I am simply passing through to tell you I am thinking of you. My hope is that you are protecting your family from wherever you are dear Stella. You would be proud of Marty because he is being as strong as he can be under such difficult and sad circumstances. Your abrupt departure left all of us flabbergasted, but it also encouraged James to communicate with his siblings more regularly than in the past. Enclosed is a modest picture of the Eiffel Tower to bring France to you because you had expressed the desire to visit my beautiful country one day. Have a good night Stella. 
Very lovingly,
Anne    

 

I can not make any sense of your passing. Mom, I have noticed that you have been making your presence known to me alot. You were such a good person. You were loving and generous. You never asked any questions when it came to helping someone or helping me. I cannot accept any of this.  I just want to scream!! I am a shattered glass. I will be destroyed by your passing for the rest of my pathetic life. You were my mama.  We meant everyting to eachother.

One moment we are talking on the phone and the next moment you are dead. I cant accept it!  Nothing means anything to me anymore. Life has lost all meaning to me. When you died everyone was united and promisess were made to be a family and become close to each other, but it seems that everyone has gone back into their own corners again. I hate living in this life. My beautiful sweet mama is now gone and I cannot see being happy ever again. I hate god. I hate my life.

I should never have moved from living with you in Brea and moving to Portland. I have been in Portland for 5 years.  Those 5 years could have been spent together. TIme lost. I am grateful for all the train trips you provided for me to come down and see you.  I treasure those moments. I am 47 you were only 72. We could have spent many more years together. It is maddening and sickening to me that this has happened. Thank you for making direct contact with me this last week. I know it was you. We did so many things together over the last 16 years and spent so much time together that we became a part of eachother. You were my blood, my real mother who I had not known up until you found Jon and I in 1995.  From that moment when you and Jon met me at the airport we connected right off the bat.  I will remember all the cooking we did together. We loved making lamb and potatoes. You made such good lamb. I have never been this angry in my whole life.  I am crying right now. You were such a sweet heart.

I dont look forward to life anymore. Life without you is going to be hell. I am gonig to have to make it on my own I have a feeling, without you. You are a huge part of my my mind body and soul.  All that you taught me about life I can reach within myself and hear your advice for different situations that I will find myself in.  You will be my Spirit Guide.

The picture of you that I have placed with my words is the very last picture I ever took of you (I believe it is the very last picture taken of you by anyone). This picture was 9 weeks ago.  You were waiting for the train to pick me up.  I need some serious help. I am in very bad shape right now. This is having a tremendous impact upon me.  You were always so supportive of me.   You are a dear dear person. I will decide in the next few weeks what I am going to do with my life. With you gone there is no meaning to life now. Nothing matters.  I am gonig to make some drastic changes. I love you sweet heart.

I am so distraught tonight that you are gone.  I cant pick up the phone and hear you fixing your hair for work the next day. Your loss is profound for me. You and I were very close. I am thinking of you alot tonight.  You taught me that it is not material things that matter in this world but it is family and love for each other that truly was significant.  You used to say that you and I were our own little family.

It is my prediction that I will never be the same and never recover from this.  A huge piece of me has been cut out of me.  I try to lay down on my bed and go to sleep in order to not cry when I think of you. Your spirit is too strong. People tell me that it gets better or that this too shall pass but i dont believe that you were too special and different. I have almost 3 years of sobriety from AA and you were so proud of that. The desire to drink does not even raise its ugly head now.  I have no desire to do anything like that.  But what I do know, is I am going to need to reshape my perceptions with life without you or I will not make it. In a way I dont feel like living in the cruel, terrible world.

When I heard that you had died life for me was over. It will continue to be over.  Yes, I may be able to be in survival mode but I cant go on without you. You were a huge percentage of my life.  We were best friends. I dont expect to live all that long anyway because of my heart problems so then we can be together again.

I love you my precious dear mother. Ill talk with you soon.

Marty