3/28/12
My Dearest Erin McKenna Noel,
You were born in heaven at 10am today. I was on the phone with your Grandma when I felt you come out. You were so tiny and pink. I think I was in shock when I saw you because I didnt cry. I think I shocked you father when I called him into the bathroom. I was crouched in the bathtub, no pants on and blood all over the tub because a lot of other goo came out as well. But you were right there, nestled on top of everything, like you were saying "Hi mommy!" Daddy was amazing thru the entire thing, too! He rubbed my back when the contractions hit really hard, he held my hand when I needed something to sqweeze because it hurt, he made sure I was all safe and ok in the shower as I recovered from seeing you... We went to see the doctor after you came into the world and he said that everything looked good. You did an amazing job coming out into the world today my sweet. We laid you to rest in a pretty little green pot with a spider plant and a pretty little rose quartz angel to watch over you. We lit a candle to light your way and to let God and your little sibling Speck that you were on your way. I cried so hard after I laid you to rest. I held you for the first and last time on my fingers, you were so small, and put you in your tiny bed in the dirt. Daddy was right there to hold me as I cried my eyes out.
Baby, our precious Erin, you are our little angel up in heaven, and I pray that you know that your daddy and I love you very much. Be nice to your big sister, too! Tell her mommy said to be nice to you, and take care of you till daddy and I get there!
We all love you both very much and cant wait to meet you up in heaven for the first time. Daddy and I will hold you in our hearts until we can hold you in heaven. You both are our little angel babies. We love you and miss you as each day goes by. <3
Love forever and always,
Mommy and Daddy

3/13/12
Today is the day my Poptart! We're going to try and see whats going on in there again! We hope we get to see you in there swimming around and wiggling. I'm feeling a little crampish on my left side, but its not feeling like its anything bad. I'm hoping that its just my fluffy insides moving to accomodate you. The pain comes and goes. I'm bringing along Spy Cow for good luck and something to sqweeeeeze with worry when it comes to waiting for the appointment. I'm excited and nervous and worried. Poptart, please be ok! Please let me see you happy on the ultrasound. Please turn the right way and show us your beautiful beating heart! Show us how much you've grown! We cant wait to see you, our precious Poptart! I've been talking to you a lot. Just mumbling and ramblings to you. Like yesterday I talked to you as we went to go take food to Daddy. This morning I was rambling on about breakfast and how its going to be tasty and you're going to like it. We had french toaster sticks. :) I love you so much Poptart! Daddy loves you too!

Well, its official. You've passed. It hurts so much for me to write this to you. We went to look at you and they said you shrank in size. You were 1.7 last week and this week you measured 1.3... I'm so sorry my little one. I wish we gave you all the right stuff you needed to grow and develop into the bouncing baby you would have been. I wish there was something we could do for you. I wish... Theres so many wishes I have for you, so many things I wanted to do for you, so many things I could have done for you, but I guess it's not your time. I just hope and pray that you knew that Mommy and Daddy loved you very much, and we still do. We love you very much Poptart.

3/12/12
Oh baby has this week been one heck of a ride! All the worrying and trying not to stress, the prayers both mommy and daddy have been saying over and over and over, and the hope we're both holding that we'll see you tomorrow and you're all ok. I've been having all sorts of nausea and whacky dreams and the ones with you in them are all telling me that you're ok. You have no idea how happy those make me feel! It gives me hope that you're ok in there. Grandma (my mom) called to ask about you last night. She seemed happy to hear that everything was ok. Grandma is taking this all very well, and I bet Grandpa is super excited to meet you. We're all excited to meet you! I cant wait to see you and hold you in my arms and be able to give you all the love and kisses and hugs you will ever need! Oh Poptart, tomorrow couldnt come fast enough! I want to see that heart beating on the monitor, hear the lub-dubs of your teeny tiny little heart pumping away! I want to see you wiggle and giggle and move all around on that screen. I want to see you alive and well! Your Daddy does, too! He's been talking to you and rubbing my tummy right where you are. He's been saying all sorts of prayers for you, and is sooooo worried! He's worrying and stressing enough for the 3 of us! (Mommy can't stress too much, its not good for you.) Daddy has been taking care of mommy with everything she needs, food and water, help into the bed, making mommy comfy when she falls asleep on the couch. Daddy has been wonderful! He's been talking about how he's holding all the same hopes I am for tomorrow. He's super excited and worried and so many emotions! Poptart, we love you! We hope and pray that you're ok and we get to see you tomorrow!

3/6/12
Went to the dr today to see you again. They gave us the bad news that they couldnt find your heartbeat. Daddy and I dont believe them! Not one bit! The first thing I said after the ultrasound technician left the room was, "I dont believe her!" And its true! You measured at about 8 weeks, too. I was so happy to see you on the screen! Your little head and hands! I didnt see your butt or legs or even the lifeline connecting you to me. She didnt spend a lot of time looking for things either. So, we've got hope and love and have been praying every single chance we get! Mommy did a lot of googling and with the way my insides are, it makes it harder to find a heartbeat (the machine hardly found mine after all lol), but around 10-12 weeks things should go into a more normal spot. My morning sicknesss is still here, and mommy still feels you in there! <3 We are so worried for you! Next week we go back in for another look. Could you please let us know everything is ok in there when we look? Maybe not be sleeping, flip us the bird or wave? Hell even moon us! I dont care! We want to see you alive and ok! We love you, little Poptart! We both love you so much!

2/27/12
Well, for the first time this whole pregnancy, I puked! I've been nauseated, I've had dry heaves, but thats it.... This morning nothing but stomach acid came up. I didnt even have a chance to eat anything. I got up, went to the bathroom with the intentions of going back to bed, and right as Im finishing up, I'm stuck leaning over teh bathtub! I called for Chris and he was right there by my side tending to my needs. He got me a glass of water to wrinse my mouth out with and made me toast as I cleaned up. For the rest of the day I either felt like poop or slept. I at least got a couple loads of laundry done. I am ready for this first trimester to be over and done with. Every day that goes by is one day closer to my next sonogram and another day towards finally meeting our little poptart! I cant wait! I'm still nervous about telling the parentals, but oh well. They dont have a say in what's happened. Lol

2/15/2012
I hope you know what sacrifices Im making for you, lil one. The heartburn and nausea are taking over my body today.

2/14/2012
We saaaaaaaw yoooooouuuuu! For the first time, we got to see you on the ultrasound! It hit us like a ton of fluffy bricks, we're going to have a baby! We didnt get to hear your precious heart beat yet, but we did get to see a few flutters. We are so excited to have you in our lives! The only thing I could think all day was, this is happening. this is really happening! I have no clue what your father is thinking. He's really turned into the protective papa now that he's seen you. We get to see you again in 3 weeks, and I cant wait! I know that we'll hear your heartbeat then! You're a strong little Poptart, just like your parents! Despite all the nausea, insomnia and hyooge boobs, its all worth it just to bring you into this world. I hope and pray your father and I can give you the life that you deserve and raise you into the greatness that you are. I know that a military family life is going to be a hard one, but I hope that you understand and appreciate the sacrifices your father is making for you to give you a happy healthy home. You're only 6 weeks old sfloating around inside of me and already we want the universe for you.

As I was carrying our precious Erin, I decided to create a simple little journal that I would one day hand over to our little one on his 18th birthday. I kept it going, writing when I had the urge to write. Sadly it was cut short, but I can at least share them with you all