In my dreams, at the bottom of my heart I thought to meet you one day.
Destiny decided different. So since I lost the chance to bring you yours favourit flowers I post them here.

Happy Birthday
Bacio

Simone       

You Hazel,
You are the kind of person
Who leaves lovely memories behind- although you would have never believed that...
And special days like your birthday
Bring many fond memories to mind
And memories are possessions
That time can never destroy

Happy birtday up there hun, have a great party with the angels,
the candles i light every evening for you will be your birthday candles today :-)

Ulli

'Tis a Wonderful World because you Hazel, were in it and shared it with us.

And though The Circle of Life inevitably brings us to the point that we have to say goodbye..  this song reminds us that you would want us to celebrate life and to keep on trying to make this world as "wonderful" as we can.

We Will Miss You ALways!

DS

I have spoken in one way or another to several of Hazels friends and family who have written here ,sadly all in the past week ,it is a shame i couldnt have met you all sooner but for those of you who dont know who i am ,I am Sam i was Hazels nurse for 5yrs on and off ,
sometimes more off than on but that was where the stubborn bit comes in ,
when she was nice she was an absolute angel but when she was mad god did you know about it and on more than one occasion  if memory serves me right it was actually 5 occasions she told me to sling my hook and not return.
ofcourse i left she was the boss and she would leave me hanging for days sometimes weeks before she would return my calls and tell me i better come back because she messed up again in one way or another
She hated being told what to do or rather having to live by a set of rules she didnt see were needed and it didnt matter how many times you told her they were there for her benefit she always said

 "if i cant do the things i enjoy the way i want to then what is the point in following the figgin rules and sticking around may as well be gone already "

and by that she ment if she couldnt sit up all night chasing baddies or as she put it "kicking ass" in an online game to help her friends ,or if she had to eat as she would say

"crap she didnt even like the look of let alone the taste of"

but most of all she broke the rules because she didnt see the point in being here dong nothing and for a while early on she did do nothing,but then she found the Invictus site ,i dont remember exactly when or how but i know that almost immediately something changed in her and she found something she wanted to be part of and while i told her off soooooooo many times for things she did or didnt do and the reason was always related to invictus i was really glad she found it because it seemed to wake her up some how .

Hazel had way more than her fair share of bad things happen to her in her life and sometimes she had just had enough and some years back i would have said she didnt have any reason to live or at least that was what she thought then but over the last few years alot of things made her change that opinion something i was very greatfull for .

12yrs ago i believe it was her life changed very suddenly and very drastically in a very short space of time ,a series of events completely out of her control left Hazel feeling lost without anyone who cared for her and feeling she was of no use to herself or anyone else ,

She made a choice ,a decision which i wont go into here but it was  a decision she regretted and possibly even hated herself for making for the rest of her life and was probably one of the only things in her life she truely wished she could have changed .
 
She lost her mother who sadly passed away very suddenly Hazel didnt even get to say goodbye to her something she could do nothing about but always blamed herself for not having done something  to change it ,even when there was nothng she could have possibly done ,this led to the irriversable break of cotact between her and her father but this was the first of many events which happened in quick succession which left her feeling she was being punished for doing wrong by making the decision she did as mentioned above .
 
Hazel almost had her life taken from her when she was very seriously hurt and spent several months in hospital ,again completely nothing she could have done to change what happened but she always felt it was some kind of devine punishment she was owed .

She then lost her partner of 10 yrs which inturn ment she lost her home and with no very little contact with her remaining family member her sister left her feeling alone and pretty much worthless

The reason i have mention all of the above things is because i think for you to understand the effect finding the invictus family had on her ,which by the way was how she always refered to all of you there as family but to truely understand what sort of effect you had on her life you need to understand what she had been through to some degree to see how you all helped to change her so much ,as i said she woke up or you woke her up ,all the things listed above happened in a period of just months and had a devestating effect on her life ,

But when she became part of your family she found new meaning to life and she wanted to do everything she could to keep that going ,she could not have imagined what it would have been like if you were not there for her ,she had some times of struggle where she considered leaving and agonised over what she should or shouldnt do but she never could bring herself to do it because it was "home" and she loved it all ,the good and the bad .

she felt so welcome there right from the begining ,it was the family she was desperately in need of and she felt she owed invictus and Sharon especially an awful lot for everything she felt they did for her ,it gave her something to work towards a place to give back to and most of all somewhere she felt usefull and appreciated .

some of the things Hazel enjoyed in life other than working on the site with her family was her fish ,she got great enjoyment from them and looked after them avidly and if she felt there was something lacking in her care for them she would search the internet for clues about what she should do untill she found the answer she needed and then she would set about sorting out whatever the problem was  untill she was satisfied she had done right by the fish and they were happy , her pride and joy were her plecs who would constantly pull up the plants to eat the roots and no sooner than she had planted them then the plecs would uproot them and the tank would as she said look like there was a twister happening as plants without roots would be floating all round the tank with plecs hanging off them eating them as quickly as possible ,she loved to sit and watch them especially towards the end where she would prefer to sit on the sofa watching the fish than be in her bed where she should have been .
her guppies were also a great love of hers she loved waiting for the mums to give birth and then the following hours of chasing tiny babies around the big tank if she had not yet moved the mum to the isolation tank to gve birth in time ,to save the babies from the jaws of the bigger fish inorder to rehouse them safely in the nursery tank  she had which was more often than not full of tiny little things swimming around .


i will end here as i have written alot but find that as i write one thing i remember something else  but wont take up anymore of your time or your space here recounting my memories of Hazel as most of you have similar memories as she was if nothing else pretty constant in her beliefs and her day to day philosaphy of life ,be honest,work hard for what you believe in,show those you love as much respect as possible and treat others how you would like to be treated ,she often said sharon said she was a softy but i believe she may have appeared to be a softy with some sometimes because she believed in giving everyone a chance and hearing both sides of every story because she felt everyone may be misunderstood at times and it was important not to punish people without vey good reason because she truely felt she had been punished and invictus had been her chance to make up for the things she saw as eveything she did wrong in her life and i think that is why she wanted so much to do as much as she could there ,

the past few months were very hard for Hazel having to slow down and step away from doing some of the things she felt she just couldnt manage the way they should have been done ,


I know Hazel kept her illness from many if not most of you and maybe she shouldnt have but she did it because she didnt want people to worry about her ,she was the same with me ,she would go for days often not telling me when she felt sick as a dog because she ddnt want me to worry ,even though that was my job .even at the end she still felt that she wasnt worth the worry and that was a very sad thing ,she would appologise almost constantly for keeping here with her when she felt i should be home with my family and she said the same about her friends and family online too ,that she felt she let them down because she couldnt do what she felt she should ,she would have been on that site everyday working till the end if she physically could have ,she even had me help her with recording something i remember to put on the site to answer a question there because she couldnt type it anymore very well ,

it was something she needed   very much almost as if it was her lifeline in a way,plus  she hope that she would be able to do as much as she could for you there because she felt she owed you all so much ,especially sharon who she spoke about all the time especially at the end ,
she and sharon would sit for  hours if possible talking  and if hazel couldnt say much or didnt have much to say she would listen and i would like to thank sharon for the time she took those last days to sit and talk to Hazel it ment such alot to have you there with her ,she was so very scared and you were a comforting voice in a bad time for her so even though i argued with her often to go and sleep i do really appreciate the tme you gave to her when she needed it most .
One thing i felt bad for though was not letting her come and talk that last night ,she wanted to so much but really was not in any fit state to but i think she new it was her last night as did i i suppose and i should have given her the chance to come and say her goodbyes ,even though i know she had spoken to people and recorded mesages it would have been the last time you spoke and i am sorry i kept that from you but i had to do what i felt was right at the time even if in hindsight i should have given in to her and allowed her to come online even if it was only for a vey short time ,which i think it would have been as she was not really with it that last night .

talking of her last night ,she was not in any pain ,she was a little disorientated which was to be expected often forgetting where she was at time whilst at other times very capable of giving me a slap because id done or said something she disapproved of .but as with almost every other day for the past few years give or take a week without internet here and there and the odd hospital stay the one thing she was very aware of right till the end was the site and her family and how much she wanted to be there with everyone especially sharon who she felt such a strong bond too ,i remember one occasion Hazel had done or said something to upset or make Sharon mad she did get upset ,i am sorry i dont remember the details of this particular arguement they had had ,there were many but she usually brushed them off with a few minutes sulking and maybe a few choice words about how stubborn Sharon was which inevitably resulted in me choking on my coffee because Hazel never saw she was as stubborn or infact far more stubborn than she would say Sharon had been ,but most of all this particular arguemet which had upset her it was the fact that she just didnt want to spend any time being mad at her or having sharon be mad at her,she loved Sharon very much as did she the rest of her family but Sharon was special i knew that without her telling me just by the way she spoke about her ,she hated keeping her illness from you sharon but the last thing she wanted was you spending your time worrying about her ,time she new you didnt have enough of to go round anyway she always said you had far better things to be worrying about .

Hazel talked about alot of people very often with great fondness  i am not sure if they are all from the invictus site but in my experience anything good that happened to Hazel in the past few years was as a result of invictus  so even if they are not invictus i imagine that is where she met them very possibly .

OK i better go even though i could write and write here i wont ,i have written enough for now but before i go id like to personally thank everyone for being there for her and for beng supportive and understanding ,i know she spoke to several of you and told you just recently about her being really sick ,something whch  happen to know was so very hard for her to do ,again she felt she was not being fair to you by telling you ,she felt she was burdening you ,dumping all her crap on you as she put it ,but she also didnt want to just disappear and you not know where she was or why she had gone and she certainly didnt want Sharon to have to be responsible for explaining everything to you all ,so she did what she felt was best and spoke to you and even though it was very difficult for her she was glad she had done it ,but she was also sad she didnt get to speak to everyone she had wanted to ,but that was unfortunately out of her control she had her time and it was time to go ,
   
things to add to her likes and dislikes list


coffee .... God she drank so much coffee its a wonder she ever slept  
  
spagetti bolognase .... this was pretty much the only thing she ever cooked apart from the odd chicken ,it was the only thing she would cook from scratch and eat without turning her nose up ,but she loved her spaggetti


drinking .... she didnt like ,she stopped drinking a long long time ago because she never got drunk ,she said she had never been drunk  it didnt matter what she drank she had never been drunk so she didnt see the point in spending money on alcohol when she couldnt even see what it was like to be drunk  and she thought most alcohol tasted terrible anyway


her nails ..... she loved messing with her nails ,they were really long and she would paint them loads of crazy colours infact when she died her nails were turqiose she did love that colour .


reading .....she loved to read although she had terrible taste in book and mostly they were pretty easy going if not slightly naughty occasionally but nothing ever very well known ,well not of late anyway but she loved to read and it didnt really matter what she read it was something she just did ,every night or more often early hours of the morning before she went to bed she would read at least a couple of pages ,she said it helped her relax and fall asleep,

snaps ..... these were tomato flavour crips that used to be around years ago and were rarely found now but she search everywhere and managed to find somewhere online which sold them and would buy a box every now and then and they would last her forever but she had to have them there just incase she fancied them they were her favourites  ,

masks ........ her wooden masks which i remember seeing written about here somewhere but i thought id mention them she loved them all african masks beautifullly carved and some painted as well ,she had one which was her favourite it is huge it was taller than her and hung on the wall almost touching from top to bottom and again beautifully carved but she would often climb on a chair to clean it even then standing on tip toes to reach the top .


the Hill ...... behind her house was feilds and in the middle of one of the fields away from everything in the middle of nowhere was a hill   and as many of you who new her know she rarely left the house but when she was sad or angry or just needed some space she would wait till it was dark and go and sit on the hill often for hours and often in the rain ,she loved it up there ,she woul go up there when it was bonfire night because she coul see fireworks going off for miles around


TV  films music .....
Lost ....the JJAbrams series a few years back was her absolute favourite TV series of all times to the point of obsession she has a massive collection of lost items here at the house 
Xfiles ....was another she has every single VHS video all episodes for all 9 seasons and the films which go with them she love them ,fox mulder was a really hotty as far as she was concerned
jonny depp ......almost everything he did was watched secret window being her favourite film     
music ..... coheed and cambria has already been mentioned but yes they were her favouite band closely folowed by bob marley,neil young,silverchair ,skindred and the oldies she used to listen to often eurythmics,cindi lauper,the doors,
mamas and papas


Ok well if you have managed to read this far thankyou for staying with me and reading ,there is so  much i could say about Hazel but hose who knew her know whats important so i wont say anymore ,but thankyou for giving me this place to be able to share this ,it has been such a difficult week and untill now i havet fel able to do this but thankyou Sharon for giving me somewhere to do it now i am ready .  
 
To everyone who had a hand in lookng after her in so many ways over the years thankyou


special thankyou to Sharon for being there for her when she needed you and for doing so much for her over the years  

And last of all thankyou Hazel for so many things just thankyou

Always in my thoughts ,love you forever Hazel ,

she never saw how much she was loved and how good a person she was even when she was reminded ,so i hope if she is watching it finally sinks in , 
         
Sam.
   
         
  

  
  

Hazels Guppy babies... she had loads of them, in all sizes and ages, must have been at least 80 babies then,
she liked the Guppies because of their nice colors

Hazel loved her plecs, she bought them when they have been really tiny and they grew to a proper size of 20 cm,
she always said they look like little aeroplanes with their high fins when they cruise through the tank - and all other fish just tried not to be in their way

but she could be really pissed at them as well because they used to eat all plants in the tank as soon as she planted them

and yes, even the gravel in her tanks had to be turqoise, at least the closest color to turqoise she could find :-)

http://en.board.goodgamestudios.com/empire/showthread.php?85080-Rest-In-Peace-Fantasywench-(


Rest In Peace, Fantasywench :(

I no longer play this game, but once upon a time I was a very active player in International 1 who had the privilege of meeting a very important player named FantasyWench.  When I met her, she was Ambassador of Invictus Prime (one of the most powerful and feared alliances of the time) and she was great at it.  Later on, she became Grand Queen and became even more diplomatic in order to keep her members safe.  I had no idea she had been sick, but just today I had received a message that she has passed away.  She was a kind and good person and this news is very sad for me, as I am sure it will be to all of you who knew her well.  I wanted to share this here for anyone who may have knew her in the game.
Since I am here, I had been meaning to post something on the forum that I had written a couple of months ago in my spare time.  It is very long and hasn't been edited, but for anyone interested it is a recap of the history of International 1.  I doubt I am allowed to paste links here, and I really don't want this thread about FantasyWench to be corrupted or deleted, so I will make a new thread for it.  To any of my old friends from when I was playing who may be reading, I miss you guys and am wishing you the absolute best.  Don't ever take life for granted.

DillonCail @  1

“All people have stars,

but they are not the same things for different people.

For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides.

For others they are no more than little lights in the sky.

For others, who are scholars, they are problems...

But all these stars are silent.

You-You alone will have stars as no one else has them...

In one of the stars I shall be living.

In one of them I shall be laughing.

And so it will be as if all the stars will be laughing when you look at the sky at night..

You, only you, will have stars that can laugh!

And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows)

you will be content that you have known me...

You will always be my friend.

You will want to laugh with me.

And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure...

It will be as if, in place of the stars,

I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh” 
―

 Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

this pic makes me smile alot,
its a year ago now she took it with her webcam...and she worried alot about it because its been nothing she usually did
i sent her a pic of me that day because we both wondered what the other one might look like...so i just sent her one of me and got this one from her,
it took me by surprise she did and made me very happy like so many things she did and gave to me
she always said it was a horrid pic lol but i do love it alot and she always called 
me a daft cow for that :-)

Hazel... from the first time i met her i knew she was someone very special, someone i can trust, can talk to

our friendship grew fast, grew to a true deep friendship like it cant be found often, something precious, special,

barely a day we havent spoken...about any shit, she always liked to hear about my boys and asked for them and if it was just about which colour do your nail have..lol she did crazy things with her nail it always made us laugh alot even when one of us couldnt be online for any reason  we have spoken at the phone...have written loads of letters

lol i remember the day she called me on the phone first time...its been a mess...i couldnt understand what she said to me, god its been embarassing but then we talked often there...
i still have her laugh in my ears

shes been the one i could tell everything, shes always been there, even when she was on her lowest shes been still there for me, with all the love she could give, always there...
i will miss her terribly, always she gave me alot, and i just hope i could give her a little bit back,
a little bit to make her life brighter,

friends are like stars, you dont have to see them to know they are there,

she found this phrase the day i sent her the star she used to put on at evening then all the time, its like having a little peace of you here is what she always said, its my ulli-star...

shes been a wonderful woman with a good, a beautiful heart, 

so many nice things to remember her, so many things i want to say thank you for, its been a good time, despite of all shit we both had going on at times, im glad i could be a friend to her, it meant ever such a lot to me

it wasnt much i could ever do for her i wish it could have been more

shes been so very brave all the time, dont be sad she said short time before she was called to heaven, just smile for me

shes having fun with the angels over there now where everything is good and she will live in my heart forever. 

Wenn du bei Nacht den Himmel anschaust, 
wird es Dir sein, als lachten alle Sterne, 
weil ich auf einem von ihnen wohne, 
weil ich auf einem von ihnen lache. 
Du allein wirst Sterne haben, 
die lachen können!

Und wenn du dich getröstet hast, 
wirst du froh sein, mich gekannt zu haben. 
Du wirst immer mein Freund sein. 
Du wirst dich daran erinnern, 
wie gerne du mit mir gelacht hast.

 the little prince,
(Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)