This tribute was added by Kyle Moore on 9th August 2016

"When asked to provide a memory of my mother that could be read during service my mind started racing and I panicked a bit. My mother had so many wonderful qualities and we shared so many great memories how could I ever come up with just one?! Over the past week it became pretty clear what I'd write after reliving the lasting memories of my mom shared with friends and family. The memory of my mom that kept coming up was just how "cool" she was. Kris and I really did have the "cool mom"! One of the fondest memories was on my 13th birthday. Mom had talked Leonard into letting me have a sleepover with about 15 of my best friends. It was a camp out theme and of course, she had the coolest camping cake ever made to help celebrate my day! She worked at the school down the street from our house and one of her closest friends was the gym teacher...so she negotiated opening of the gym so we could play basketball, football and dodgeball into the night...basically anything we could get into in that gym we enjoyed. As my friends and I got worked up on soda, cake and pizza the fun couldn't stop when the gym had to be closed...that's when the plan was launched. My mom and our gym teacher decided they would pile me and all of my friends into their cars so that they could "teach us how to toilet paper " another teachers house they knew would be a good sport. Right of passage in becoming a teenager back in that day I suppose...and my friends and I were super pumped!!! Although 15 young boys hyped up on sugar weren't as stealthy and quiet as you can imagine - we wrapped that house and all the trees from top to bottom. I remember my mom attempting to show me how to throw the roll over so it would stream down the other side of the tree...only problem she could not throw very well...and her accuracy was not all that great...the entire roll was lost upon her first attempt captured by the lowest branch just out of arms reach. Lol...good thing we had come prepared with lots more toilet paper! That was one of the best birthdays ever. Heck, it was one of the most rememberable nights of my childhood. To this day I still have old friends say "remember when your mom took us TP'ing?"

My mom was definitely young at heart. She related so well with my friends and I and was always available when we needed to talk. She was not judgmental and I knew I could tell her anything and that she'd have my back no matter what. She didn't sweat the "small stuff" as she would say. That's what made her so cool! She was the best mother a kid could ask for. I only pray i share the same bond and friendship with my own children. She was not only my mother, but in a way she was also my best friend. I love you momma!"

I really, really, REALLY want to thank everyone who has taken the time to visit Janice's Online Memorial.  Especially those that have registered and left a tribute. I am really touched by the response, and I am sure Kristohpher and Kyle, her sons and ther rest of her family, are equally touched, aswise. Today is the 27th of August, so it has been 47 days 6 hours since I found Janice unresponsive in our bed. That first week without her... well, I just never thought I would be able to survive this long without her, but I have.  I wouldn't have been able to without the help and support of both of our families...and the many Missouri friends, FB friends and aquaintences.  Praise the Lord and God Bless.  

I would like to share a story concerning Janice...I am sure it will shed some light on why this memorial website and the attendance / views that it generates is so important to me.

As most are aware, we first were going to Parkland Hospital in Dallas (where JFK was taken when he was shot in Dallas) for Janice's treatment.  Keep in mind that Parkland is no longer the number one facility in Dallas for healthcare... unless you are homeless or destitute... Sad. but true.  The car we had would never have survived even 1 trip back and forth to Houston for treatment at MD Anderson Cancer Center. Our choices were very limited... Parkland was the ONLY facility that accepted Janice's insurance.  I had a difficult time convincing Janice to undergo any treatment.... her "terminal" diagnosis had done it's work on her mind and she, at the time was OK with letting the beast take it's course.  I wasn't willing to accept that decision, I thought I could fix anything and everything. After a few initial visits and constant problems with the staff at Parkland, Janice made me promise that I would never ask her to go back there... which I agreed to, reluctantly.  The God Send was her youngest son, Kyle bought us a top of the line used car. A 1994,  Pontiac Grand Am with a little over120,000 miles on it.  Ran great and had A/C and the interior was spotless. Everything we needed... oh, let me correct this statement.  It wasn't Kyle who gifted us with it... It was his son, Kaidyn, her 5 year old grandson who purchased it for us.  Just the wonderful boy, he is.  So now we are ready to really get into the fight, having a vehicle that is able to handle the 560 mile round trip from Dallas to Houston and back.  AMEN

Anyway, I am getting off the story line... rambling... exscuse me but I have soooo many stories about Janice that they all want to be documented and that throws my focus and concentration offf.

Back to why this memorial website is so important to me.  

Janice and I made INUMERABLE trips to Houston and Back to Dallas... so many.... One time, not to long preceding her death we were driving and it was either in the radio "dead spot" we usually hit about the middle of the trip... or maybe she was just tired of listening to music...  or probably she just decided we needed to talk.  LOL  Whenever she would reach for the volume knob and turn the stereo down, I knew she was heading, guiding... no, pushing me into a serious conversation.... that usually, I was uncomfortable having.

Never the less, driving.... no music... and of course, here it comes.... "Can we talk for a minute?"  LOL... "Of course, what do you want to talk about" was my response.  "Do you think there will be many people at my funeral?" was her question of concern... I chuckled under my breath, which she always hated and chastised me for such behavior.... "You never take me serious.... But I AM serious now!"  

At the moment I remember thinking to myself... What the hell brought this up??? But now that I think back, this occured probably sometime in May after we had traveled to Southwest and St. Louis MO... the day before Mother's day we went to the cemetery in Buffalo, MO and placed baby roses on my Mother's grave.  At that time....I tried to convince her to purchase some cemetery proplerty there so she and I could be buried side by side where most of my family is buried, or going to be buried.... so there would always be future family to make sure our graves would be properly maintained.... very important aspect to being buried. Well, needless to say, that went over like a "lead brick". She wanted to be cremated, that was all there was to it and further discussion would be futile. The picture at the top / start of this story was taken during this heated bantor, which if you look close enough... just the "glare" she is giving me tells the whole story... LOL I so miss that look. I don't mean to astray from the main story but it just hit me why her funeral arrangements may have been at the forfront of her concerns.... who knows.

So here we are, driving without music and she is grilling me about how she wants her  funeral services to go... going over the songs that must be played.... "I Can See Clearly Now" the Johnnie Nash version and anything Janice Joplin... (she thought she was Janice Joplin incarnate.... Just kidding, but they did share many views).  And on and on about her service... but she was so concerned about the number of people that may be in attendance. I realized that she wasn't going to be ignored over this issue so I explained that IF... big IF... her service was in Springfield or even Nixa, MO that I am sure the chapel would be filled if not overflowing... I could about gaurantee that.  But... if it were held in the Dallas area I wouldn't know how many would or could make the drive to attend.  She knew and stated that her service would probably be in the Dallas area since both of her sons lived in the Dallas Metroplex.  She was quiet for a few moments, I could see her looking down and knew she was a little troubled by this... to which I spoke up and told her, "Baby, if it makes you feel any better... I will use whatever money is in the account and I wil go buy some "paid mourners", which, believe it or not, there is such a service available.  Well, of course her response was one of shock and awe... I won't repeat her response but the idea of paying mourners was deffinately put on the shelf at that moment.... LOL... hey, it made since to me but, that is irrelavent. Furthermore, I tried to explain to her that the attendance didn't matter... that all the people that loved her and that were important to her would be there and that is all that should matter....period.  

Basically, it was a good converstaion... I am glad I listened but as far as solving her "service attendance" concerns.... didn't happen. So needless to say, it was still a concern... not only her's but now, also mine.  Janice knew that any want, need or desire she had, if she just mentioned to me...there weren't many lengths that I would not go through to fulfill her wish. I just remember thinking that I really don't know what I am going to do about this "problem / concern" of hers. It ws left at... "Sweetheart, I promise I will do everything possible to bring up attendance at your service as long as you promise that should I go first (which at the time I thought was possible) you promise not to even have a service for me." To which we both agreed to this "compromise", for the moment. I was just thankful that this uncomfortable converstation was over and we could turn the volume back up on the stereo.  LOL

Janice's service was held a week after her passing at the Green Oaks Church of Christ in Allen, TX where both she and her eldest son Krisopher, his family, were all members. Kristopher did most of the arrangements for her service with the assistance of his younger brother, Kyle.  BEEEE-AUTIFUL service... what more can I say.... breath taking, heart wrenching... it was an amazing, fitting service honoring a georgeous, beautiful woman who was concerned for and caring to everyone. A "free spirit" who tried her best not to step on anyone's toes, so to speak.  

At the service, I was pretty shaken up....a basket case, actually.  I didn't really look around to see how many or who was in attendance, but I know those that were there were the most important people in her life.... End of story???? Not quite.  

A week or so after her service...when I was back in Houston for an extended period to begin my radiation treatment at MD Anderson,  I was thinking about Janice... I mean, she is all I thought about... I was a zombie, the "Walking Dead" poster child.  At MDA I had social workers, counselors and pshyciatric people, at the same time, trying to be helpful in the process of me accepting the reality that yes, Janice was actually gone and NO, she will not be coming back and YES,  I had to get a plan to survive without her.

At that time, in the beginning of my treatment, I couldn't hardly think about her, let alone talk about her, without a major meltdown.  They all suggested the same thing as beginning therapy to get through this.... write down your thoughts... write her a letter, tell her how you feel, write to her about the things you wanted to say to her, should have said to her... but failed or didn't get a chance to do so. Oh well, got nothing to lose, might as well give it a try. So I wrote my thoughts, shared my feelings and emotions on Facebook which so many of my FB friends responded to in some way, shape or form.  So not only did writing my feelings down, letting some of my emotions out, help me deal with this grieving process.... The positive and concerned FB responses were a major boost in my arduos journey. While this was all personally helpful, I really didn't think it was fair to push all of my feelings, emotions onto all my FB friends... I mean, it was so helpful rambling my grief out over Facebook.... you can only be winey so long on FB before people are thinking... "damn, I wish he would get over this.... this is depressing me!" That is just being honest... I know FB and social media persona.  Nothing wrong with that opinion, I totally understand.

Then it hits me.... online memorial... Ta-Da! A place where I can do my therapudic "venting" and with Janice's family helping to develop not only a lasting but fitting memorial.  So here it is.  It took a couple of weeks of painstaking effort to put this together before making it public.  I cried a river of tears posting all the photos, videos, music, tributes and stories.  I tried to make it as close to her actual service as possible.  The main difference is that with her actual memorial service, Kristohper & Kyle were limited on what could be done in the time frame allowed.  With this online memorial there are actually no restraints in time nor content, it gives a person the freedom to develop a beautiful memorial that EVERYONE who wants to can have their say and express their thoughts.  

I just made Janice's Memorial Website public less than a week ago... at that time I thought to myself, "if 50... 75... maybe 100 people visit her online memorial, that would be great!!!" So here it is, A fitting Memorial Website. Still a work in progress but presentable.  Today is Saturday, August 27th and at this point 424 people have visited her online memorial.  Unbelievable!!! That is when it hit me....THIS IS AN EXTENSION OF HER MEMORIAL / CELEBRATION OF LIFE SERVICE.  So therefore, add the number of people at her actual service to this 424 people and you have near 500 people that have attended, paid tribute to, and honored the life of Janice Renee' Darnell-Knowles'.  There is the BIG service that I promised Janice that I would do my best to provide. Personally, that is such a weight off my sholders.  It was troubling me, in the back of my mind.  

Honestly, I know Janice is in Heaven with a special seat in our Lord's Court. The moment she left to go home to God and Jesus, our saviour, her concerns for a large service.... well, let's just say I don't think it was any part of any issue with her now. This is mainly for her survivors, her family, her friends... for my own selfish needs, so be it. I like to imagine Janice in Heaven, looking down and being pleased with me. I can imagine her laughing and joking... "Look there.... I can still get him to do what I want... HA HA HA... when I say "jump" he asks "How High?" LOL. That beautiful woman knew all my buttons... when, where and how to push them to motivate me. She was my everything.

So that is the story behind this online memorial.  I know I strayed off course a couple of times with some "sidebar" stories... I just hope that if you took the time to read all of this that it didn't bore you too much and that you found some entertainment value to it.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.  God Bless All, Amen. 

Mom LOVED Stephen King.  She turned me on to him when I was no older than maybe 13, if not younger.  First book I picked up was Gerald's Game.  If you've read it, you'd know that's not his best nor really appropriate for a 12-13 yo.  When she found out Id read it (while at my dad's) she laughed and told me to read The Long Walk, which was about a kid close to my age who had to walk to save his life.  My mom gave me the gift of loving to read, and especially Stephen King.  I don't know how hard it will be the next time another new book comes out and I can't talk to her about it...

Recently, Bethany and I decided to try watching Stranger Things on Netflix and fell in love with it.  It has the feel of a Stephen King story.  And we binge watched the first season over 3 nights.   When we finished, my first reaction was to grab for my phone to text her and tell her she HAD to watch Stranger Things-- she would've loved it.  That's the hard part.  That's one of those things I really shared with no one else.  That will take a long time to get used to--and I'm not sure I ever will.

It has been said / stated that a picture paints a thousand words... If so, then the following is tens of thousands of words about Janice's life. This is a video that Janice's son, Kristopher Moore produced and created.  The last part was what was played at her Memorial Service / Celebration of Life Service.  Just before posting this was the first time I had viewed the whole video. The only thing can say about it is "breath taking".  He did such a phenomenal job putting this together.  I would have never been able to get through the chore of putting this montage of her life together.  I am sure Kristopher called upon the Lord to give him the strength to get through this.  Amazing.... please take the time to view the whole video... It illustrates Janice in all her beauty through the many stages of her wonderful, sometimes trying, life.

Janice and I were fortunate enough, with the help of a few friends, to be able to take a few weeks and visit friends and family in St. Louis and the Branson / Springfield areas of MO.  This is a video of when we stopped by Shepherd of the Hills to look around.  We spotted this "Shooting Gallery" that we had both seen being made and delivered to Shepherd of the Hills on some reality show.  I had to play it, just had too.  As you will see in the video I did excellent, of course.  Janice originally said she didn't want to do it but after she saw how good I did it didn't take much prodding to get her to try.  She always had to out-do me.  As you will see in the video...she would shoot at something... miss... shoot again.... another miss.  She couldn't seem to hit anything and was getting quite frustrated.  I was just trying to make sure she remembered how to aim a gun, which you can imagine her response to that... but she kept shooting and missing.  FINALLY, I asked her if she was aiming at the targets?  "What targets?" was her response.  When you watch the video you will see red "lit up" targets all over the place.  I pointed out all the targets that were in front or beside the actual figure or whatever you were trying to shoot.... "OOOOhhhhh" she said, "I was shooting directly at it." Oh My Lord, I thought to myself.  Made me chuckle, if I would have laughed she would have hit me with the gun.  Anyway, As you will see at the end of the video, once she figured out what she was supposed to be aiming at she didn't miss.  Brings a smile to my face and makes me laugh whenever I think about it. Oh, and she was a really good shot! LOL 

It has been 28 days since you went home, my dear. I miss you so much... it is so painful.  There are still days I wake up and reach out to you...and you are still gone. I watch TV shows still expecting to hear you comment on what someone is wearing or what they are doing.... nothing, silence. It is hard to go up the elevators from the parking garage at MD Anderson without first grabbing a wheelchair.... how I miss that, truly.

As you so wished baby, MD Anderson accepted my application for the Patient Assistance Program three days after your service. Crazy success... wish you could have been with me when I heard the news. You are the only reason I kept going and pushed my determination to get the documentation needed for enrollment in the program. I have already spent several days at MD Anderson going through all the barrage of test, meeting with my "TEAM" of Doctors... basically starting all over again. Doesn't look like I will have to repeat the chemotherapy, Thank God. 

It is so hard Janice, I see you everywhere at MD Anderson...walking by the gift shops...knowing if you where here you would want me to wheel you in to look around, just browse... Then we end up walking out with some sort of overpriced merchandise, that we will never use, that you promised me you wouldn't buy... damn, I wish you were here... I about went in myself and bought something frivolous...but I didn't. Just couldn't make myself do it...too funny, baby. I know you understand... or riding on the cart over the street walks to and from the Mays Clinic. How you hated that, always cold no matter how I tried to block you from the wind the ride created... and it was climate controlled.  The little thins I miss so much.

Anyway, I guess they are gonna do my Radiation first... at least that is the way Dr. Swisher, the surgeon, hinted towards.  Neither he nor Dr. Kurie think I can quit smoking with all that has happened and is still going on. Dr. Swisher says the surgery is to risky to do while I am smoking. i Have to quit for 2 weeks before the surgery????? So I am back in the "Behavorial Science Department" going through the Stop Smoking Program...they put me back on the Chantix and Welbutrin again...since you are not here I don't have to worry about the mood swings anymore so it might work this time. If the Radiation works well enough they might not even do the surgery... which I guess would be great... I don't know...I just want this to be over so I can figure out where my life is going to next.  Big unknown now that you are gone.  

So point of it is, as you wanted so badly, and which I am sure you are aware of, at this point it looks like my cancer problems will be solved and I have to go on living without you. I have problems seeing the "great" side of this but it is what it is and I will do what I do... try to survive. I know this is not only what you would want but what you would expect. 

Baby, you made such a mark in my life! Especially when you consider the relatively short amount of time we actually got to spend together. As I have been told by more than one person, everything happens for a reason. I truly thought we had so much more time together. We had some great plans, didn't we? Janice, just know you was a privilage... to love you was a gift. To know you well enough to recieve the full extent of your love... well, to me it was a taste of Heaven.  I am sure all of your family and loved ones will agree. You were a bright light in a pretty dark world. You were my beacon. You kept me going in the right direction. 

So I guess I will continue... persivere...trod on. My goal is to just get by one whole day without having a small breakdown and end up crying...bawling... questioning God about his reasoning, why he took you from us, when he did....I know... I am just being self serving and selfish. Just the way I am. I don't think I will ever understand.

You always wanted to talk to me about your final wishes... funeral service and such. I always had a hard time discussing it. We even had a few heated arguments about it...couldn't break me... still wouldn't talk about it, but I did listen... and so did your sons. Your service was so beautiful but heart wrenching. Kris and Kyle worked together and the end product was a Celebration of life / Memorial service you would have been so proud of and brought you to tears, at the same time. Very fitting for you. Janice, all the songs you wanted played at your service... were played! You always talked about the number of people that would be at your funeral. Sweetheart, everyone that truly loved you, were there... through social media via the internet there were hundreds in attendance, in heart. Through this "online memorial" media outlet you will see how many people you truly had an impact in their lives... in one way or the other. People that you don't personally know, nor do they personally know you have heard/read about your/my/ our battle with cancer and have been inspired and moved by our struggles. You have made allot of people think and contemplate their own situation. Baby, I don't think anyone who may have known you or met you could say anything bad about your moral beliefs and integrity towards life. We all have issues but you left this world with a clean slate. Clean as anyone could leave this world with. How we ended up together is still a mystery to me.  Don't look a gift hourse in the mouth and learn to appreciate what you had/ have is the big lesson I guess I have learned from this.

Janice, the legacy you have gave and blessed this world with is phenomenal. You gave the world with great sons. Each extremely successful in their own rights. Four beautiful, healthy grandchildren, one, no doubt a future WWF Champion, securing movie deals and commercial endorsements. The next Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson... too funny... whatever he does do, he will be fine and do well. You do have great grandchildren. I was never much of a "kid guy" but all your grand kids stole my heart in their own way.  The seeds you planted, my dear will continue to multiply ten fold.  Your true blood and pure heart will be passed on improving the world for generations to come. You have so much to be proud of.  

Baby, you so changed my world in such a short time.  I Thank God and I am so grateful for the 2 years we spent together.  At the same time I am still bitter that it was only two years and we didn't get to finish the great plans we had made together.  I will miss you forever... each day is a learning experience on how to cope, deal and live with the pain and grief of losing you and living life without you.  It is so difficult, I am just not ready to let go of you yet and I hope I never will be.  

I love you sweetheart... I love you so,
Jim