On every birthday I would wake up to my mom and grandmother singing to me with a cupcake with a candle or a piece of pound cake.   They were so happy and excited even at 6:30 in the morning when I would wake for school, college, work.  I still have that silly candle that played the birthday song which my girls took out and played for me today. Silly how something so simple can bring back so many memories.   Pink crepe paper decorated from one wall to the next and that pink bithday ball from the chandelier.   Unfortunately you don't always appreciate these things til after they are gone. After we married I would wake to a call of them both singing to me.   Then after grandma passed it was my mom singing.   This they did for everyone, my girls, my husband, her brothers, and her friends I am sure.  I was so upset that my last birthday message of my grandmother was deleted accidentally from the phone.   Never did I even think to save my mom's messages.   Never did I think I would be where I am today.  My birthday was never a big deal to me but it was to my mom.  So for her I will celebrate the life that she game me and the life that she sacrificed so much just for my happiness.  I think back to how happy she was when I was born.  Little did she know the turns her life would take over the years. Thank- you mom - I love you and miss you more each day.  You are always in our hearts.  XOXO

One of the things I miss is hearing my mom sing.  She would sing loud and so often,  I think that once someone told her she had a nice voice and she did.   Now I wish I had told her that.   She really did have a nice voice.   So, I try to sing now so that the girls will remember me singing Christmas songs and being happy or at least pretending to be.

We had the worst storm ever.  You would have been so sadden by the destruction and devastation we saw here in NY and NJ.  Dena's home was ruined on the first floor.  Fortunately not too many people died.  Some of the guys George works with had damage to their homes so we may let them stay in your house for nothing.  It is what you would do.  To me, losing you was more devasting than Sandy.   They can rebuild their homes, I will never get you back.  I know it sounds callous but I can't help how I feel.   Material things can be replaced.   I will never talk to you, see you or feel your love again. I try hard to put on a happy face and pretend to be the person I was but I will never be that person.  Part of me died with you too.  I am going to the lawyer again, things are almost settled.

Our .anniversary was the other day and nobody remembered it.  You always called first thing in the morning since you knew how important that day is to me.  I still find myself looking at the phone for the red light to blink to hear a message from you.  You always called me to make sure we were OK, how didn't I know that you werent.

George's birthday came and went.  You always had me buy him a presant but this year he didn't get one.  Not even from me.  

Katie's birthday was yesterday.  God I miss you so.  I didn't even throw her a party with her friends.   I had George's family over and Uncle Dougie and Aunt Jeanie came.   It makes me feel connected to you when I see them so I am so glad they came even with the gas shortage.  Uncle Larry and Aunt Maria called too.   If you were here I know that you would have gotten her the new ipod since hers was broken even though it was alot of money so I did buy it for her after all.  You always gave them such nice presants.

Thanksgiving is coming next week and I am avoiding it.  Going into the city and I am not doing dinner.  I always did it for you and grandma and you always ate with us.  We are having "thanksgiving" Sunday with George's family since Carol is here.  If I could get out of it I would.  Its not Thanksgiving without you.

Jeanine called to wish Katie Happy Birthday.   I hope you know what an amazing and devoted friend she is to you.  Just so unbelievably sweet and caring.  I see alot of you in the things she does.  You be this kind to someone who lost their mom.

I was hoping George's mom or dad would come but they didn't. She is her only grandma now but Diana wasn't up to it.  Nothing would have kept you from coming no matter how bad you felt.  You never missed any one of their birthdays or paries.  Now you are going to miss them all.

My birthday was so strange without that morning phone call from you.    Every year for 45 years, you sang happy birthday to me, not this year not ever again.  When grandma was sick for so long, I used to save the messages til the next year just in case she didn't make it.   I never thought for a second that was even a possibility with you.  The girls brought up breakfast in bed for me.   It made me remember all the breakfast mornings when I came downstairs to a decorated living room and a piece of poundcake with a candle in it and you and grandma singing Happy Birthday.  You used to say the way you start your birthday is the way the whole year would be.   My birthday was never a big deal to me even when I was younger, but it was a big deal to you.   You always wanted to see me on my birthday, which is why I felt like I had to come to you.   So I went to the cemetary, hoping that I would feel connected to you or to numb the pain or fill that hole in my heart, but to no avail.  George tried hard to make it special and even baked two cakes.  He cooked a nice dinner too.   The girls were so excited and wanted a party but I am not up to it.   You would be happy since he took the girls shopping so that they could give me a presant.   I hope that he will always do that since that is something you would do for them.  I am grateful I have my family, I would be lost without them.

The big blackout that we had after 9/11 was so scary.  I am sure she was so sick with worry about me.   When we lost power I just got up and left my office.  No trains were running and no taxis would leave the city.   We still didn't know the cause of the outage, possibly another attack I was thinking and had to get home to my baby (Katie).

I walked through lower Manhattan twords the brooklyn bridge when a taxi said he would take me up to the 59th street bridge.   That was closer than Brooklyn and I could walk to my mom or ask her to pick me up if the cell phones started working.

So I walked for hours and got in touch with George not to pick me up at 5:30 as usual especially since we had Katie.  He tells me to stay in the city.  I don't want to - I want to see my baby so I keep walking.

When I get onto Queens blvd - I call him again and ask him to pick me up but he tells me he can't drive to get me, there are no traffic lights and it would take forever.   So, guess who I call?  Of course, my mom.  I knew that there would be no way she wouldn't try.  She calls Jeanette or Barbara to watch grandma and out the door I am sure she ran, never thinking for a second how long it would take or how frightened I am sure she was to drive there.  Not too long later, there is mom driving on Woodhaven Blvd up and down looking for me.   When she spots me, she has ice cold water for me and a few other bottles too in case there was anyone walking with me.   As it turns out, I did start talking to some man and we gave him a ride to his family as well as well as a cold bottle of water.  Always thinking of others.   Mom drove me home to Long Island and didn't even come inside.  On the steps was, George, my baby and his sister.   Never a thought to any of them to come get me - only my mother.   Neither hell nor high water would have stopped her she said.   I know that to be true.  She would have done anything for me without a second thought.   All I wanted her to do was fight to live.   Maybe she did,  but she didn't even get a chance.  I was the one who didn't fight hard enough for her.

After so many years of driving mom was still a nervous wreck each time she got behind the wheel.  Especially with her new toyota.  This thing is a bus and she could never park it.  She got it for me and the girls to be confortable in when we went on vacations to Pennsylvania.  She wanted to buy it for us when the lease was up or lease another one with the intent to buy for us.   Never thought of herself and that she would have a hard time driving it - only about me, always about me.

George's Aunt Fran sent a card that the mass on Oct 6th would be for you.  It was signed by Father Joe.

The girls and I go, Kathleen came with the kids as well.  Guess what - it wasn't for you.   Even the church now is screwing you over.   I just don't get it. 

I found out that there was a multiple intentions mass at 8am and that you were included in that.  So , no matter how hard I try, I couldn't even do that right for you.   I am so sorry - you can't even imagine how much.

I don't even believe in all that crap anymore.  I was looking around at church and wondering how so many people for so many years can believe.  There has to be something to it.   But more likely its that people just can't accept the fact that when you are dead, your dead and thats it forever.  So they hold onto this myth that God will save them.  You have to save yourself.   If God was going to save anyone - it would have been you mom.  Or children who suffer with cancer.  

I do try to not let the girls follow in my disbelif now or my anger that I have.  I will raise them as you did me and they can decide for themselves.  You had wanted me to take them to church and let them have God as a crutch to lean on when they are sad.   Well,  I leaned on him and prayed nonstop for days, going to church every day since I heard you were sick and saying the rosary.  I didn't ask God for a miracle cure for you, although I did wish for one,  just for the wisdom to make the right decisions with getting you to doctors and for the doctors to have the knowledge to help you.  Now we know for a fact that didn't happen.   All my pleas for help and prayers went ignored.   I try to live my life helping others, being a good person so then why is it that others don't do the same.   You raised me this way and I will try to do the same for the girls although it will be harder now since I am so disheartened with everyone and everything.

Yvonne was such a wonderful person who took good care of grandma and you.  You took good care of her as well.

When Yvonne got cancer - mom changed her work times to go in at 6am and leave at 2pm so that Yvonne could go for chemo and still get paid.  They would have sent us another nurse but mom wanted to help Yvonne out as well as  keep her.   We were so lucky to have had such a caring nurse.

Another time, Yvonne thought she lost her rent money in the supermarket, a few thousand dollars.   You gave it to her so she could pay her bills without a second thought since she was so upset over it.  Mom knew that money was hard for her so she didn't want her to worry over it.  Thankfully the supermarket had Yvonne's money and she paid mom back.

Mom knew that Yvonne was interested in making extra money so she asked her to help one of office friends when he was sick.  So, not only did mom look to help Yvonne, she also wanted to help Alfred.   She was always doing things like that.

I had called Yvonne when we heard mom had cancer and she was going to come to take care of mom.  Unfortunately, she didn't get the chance.

Well, George and I had a wedding to go to.   Usually it was nothing , since you would stay here with the girls.  They would sleep in their own beds in their own house and get a good night sleep.    I had to ask my sister in law to watch the girls and they slept there.   All night I was thinking about them and how they would be.  Katie called me (on your phone) at 6:30 because she couldn't sleep without me.   She was fine when you slept here with them.  They were always fine with you.  I am sure they had a good time with their cousins but for me I always wanted them with you.

I am sure this will be a strain on my relationship with George as well.  He likes to go out and have fun.  I am not fun anymore, I am just not the same person.  Even if I wanted to go out, we can't.   I don't like asking anyone to watch the girls.  One time George told me I was a good mother.  But in being a good mother to my children, was I a bad daughter to you, or a bad wife to my husband?  

I used to believe in Karma and what goes around comes around.  Not anymore, I don't know what I believe.  I was raised a certain way to believe in God and to be a good person.   If you are good then you will have a good life.  But that isn't true.  Look at you mom.   You were the perfect example of good.  Never hurt a soul and look how many times you got shit on.  Now I know that life just isn't fair.   I would always tell the girls that but I never really grasped how true it was til now. 

At a time when you were finally able to live your life and enjoy yourself without worring about Grandma, you get sick and now will never get the chance.

I used to lie in bed at night and thank God for all he has blessed us with.  With tears in my eyes, I would tell the girls we are the luckiest people in the world and truly meant it.   My children were healthy, I married a good man, who is a great dad, my in-laws are such nice people and my mom was so good and loving to us all.  I still feel lucky about by children because that would kill me.  Still, I can't imagine why I couldn't get you help.  I feel like I failed you.  If anyone should have know how sick you relly were, it was me and I didn't.   Deep in my gut, I did but didn't know what to do.  I took you to doctors.  Now the Dept of Health even pushed off my complaint to another dept.  Even now when they didn't help you, the regulatory agencys looking into the doctors are now pushing you aside as did everyone else.  I just don't get it.  I feel like I am the only one fighting for you and I don't even know who I am fighting or fighting for.  I know that you wouldn't want this to happen to anyone else .  That is why I will persue it.

You were my rock and larger than life.  Never in a million years did I think you would leave me this soon or at all.  But you did and I can't help but blame myself.

Maybe Uncle Dougie is right and we should just be mean and nasty.   Then when it is our turn to go, people won't hurt so much when we are gone.

You used to tell me that you had the best job in the world.   If I didn't know it then I do now.

I am so happy that you had such amazing friends at work. They were family to you. You lived through so much with them and they helped you through many a hard time and you them. They have been so supportive and kind to me and they miss you so much too. I received so many beautiful cards from people all over the country. You touched so many lives and probably didn't even know it. Brendan helped me when I got taken to small claims court, when I closed on my house and especially now. You adored him and were so proud of him. He loved you too. He came to the ER the first day you were there, do you remember? Even though you were in ICU and they told me family only, I know they were family to you. I am glad that you got to see them so you knew how much they loved you too. Jeanine was so worried about you and unfortunately when her and Marianna came to visit, you were already starting to leave us, even though I didn't know it then. She was so sweet and loves you too. You were always so grateful to Loretta for having faith in you. And they would offer to drive you to work in bad weather. I know you missed Mary Burns and Marianna but now you could have went to diner with them if you wanted. I guess God had other plans. Jeanine wrote a beautiful tribute to you in the faa newsletter. I don't know how she found the words through all the tears I know she shed. You were her friend and the office is not the same without you. You worked so hard and were so dedicated. It wasn't for your own recognition - you wanted them to do well. You worried about their cases, their career's and their families. I only hope you know how very much they all loved you.

You are missing so many games.  Sara is coming along nicely and learning the game.  Katie got the MVP award for outstanding player one day.  You would have been so proud and happy for her.  Nobody else would have been as happy for her and nobody else made a big deal out of it for her.  I try, but I am not you.   George  doesn't tell her when she does well, only the mistakes. He doesn't mean to hurt her, he just wants to teach her how to get better.  She is having a hard time these past few games.   She needs you to bring her confidence up.  She needs the praise and compliments you always gave her.  Why did this have to happen to you?   The girls really need their grandma.  You just kept saying all I want to do in life is to see the girls play ball.  Such simple desires, wants and needs and yet you were denied that for some reason that I will never understand.

Well - mom the girls both had great games this weekend.  Sara's team won both doubleheaders.  She was 3 for 3 each game, getting on base and hitting the ball.  The girls are so cute.  I wish you could have been there.  Then Katie's team won both their doubleheaders the next day!   Katie had an amazing game starting at 1st base.  Making plays and getting great hits!   All the moms and coaches were complimenting her.  I know you would have had tears of joy for her.  She really had 2 fantastic games, which is so good for her self esteme.   George missed it too.  He was away this weekend golfing with his dad.   He told the girls he would try to make the last game , but still isn't home.  They tried to call him to tell him but he didn't answer the phone.   I kept thinking you would have answered if you were home.  But then again  - you would have been there.   Nothing would have been more important to you.

 By now Katie and Sara both had gotten more MVP medals than I can count and Katie with MVP for the JV High School.   How happy you would be for them.   I wish you had a chance to see them play travel ball.  I never knew you played just that you used to coach my team at OLPH.

Well homework is starting again and you know how I hate doing that.   You said you would come over and do homework with them, but now you can't.   Sara wants to know how she is going to get money since you aren't here to give her $2 a day to read.

Katie had to do book summaries on a book she needs to read.  All of a sudden she was sobbing uncontroably because she had to read.  It wasn't about having to read.  YOU used to read the books and then the two of you would talk about it and laugh and it would help her to put her thoughts into words.  I am trying to do that for her, but it's not the same.   I can't even come close to doing so many of the loving things you would do for them.   This is only the start of the many painful things to come that we will have to do without you.

Katie had her first science test this year.   You would help her study, I can't do this without your help.  I hate science, and you had so much patience for the girls and this just isn't the way it should be.

 Not surprisingly Katie got a 62 on her test.  She asked me to help her study and test her on the material, which I didn't.  I hate science.   Why can't you be here, you are supposed to be here with us.   I know I am feeling sorry for myself but I can't help it.  You did so much for me and my family and I just miss you so.  I didn't even get a chance to give back to you and to help you. 

I am so sorry that things turned out this way.    I never thought it would.   You came to me for help and I couldn't help you.   I tried but never thought it was this serious.  You had a cyst, or at least that is what 3 doctors said.  You had a sprained knee, well these are things that aren't life threatening.  How is it that you are gone now then?  I thought you were depressed, but maybe sick....  You tell me you are fine.   Stupidly I believe you and didn't call an ambulence.   I will never forgive myself for not getting you help sooner.   I am going after the doctors for ignoring your many cries for help.   This didn't have to happen.   Yvonne was right.  Marino is a horrible doctor and he will have to answer for his mistakes in judgement as will I.

Sloan Kettering never told us how serious you were.   They wouldn't help you either.  Why won't anyone help you?   I asked the nurse and she sent us away.   I was begging her to help you and still she sent us away.   You never did anything to anyone but help them.  Now why wouldn't someone help you?

You saw 4 doctors the week before you died.  How is it that they couldn't tell how serious your condition was?  Even LIJ made us wait before they would help you.  There has to be a better way or a better system.  This can't happen to anyone else.   I will try to make them be held accountable.  But what if it was my fault?  How do I live with that?   You told me that I saved your life by getting you there.  You looked at me so proud that I had the intelligence and the strength to get you where you needed to be.  But, I didn't save you - I sent you to the place that killed you.   

Instead of crying with you, I was yelling at you to eat.  I just didn't want you to need a feeding tube.  I wish I had just hugged you and cryed with you.   I wanted you to get your strength from me, be positive and to fight this.  I never thought you would be taken away.  We never even got the chance to fight.  You never knew what happened to you.  I guess that is good for you.  I wouldn't have wanted you to suffer anymore that you already did.  At least for that I am happy.  You were so scared.  You had every right to be so.

Well mom - you were supposed to be with us on the trip.   I saw your clothing ready on the bed and Jeanette gave me your ticket from the mail the day you died.   It wasn't the same without you there.  So many memories from the last time we went and so many more memories that we didn't get to create.  The girls had so much fun and I am sure you are happy about that.  I even managed to enjoy myself sometimes, but you were always on my mind and in my heart.   It isn't fair - you should have been there.   So many things that you didn't get a chance to do.   So much more of life that you should have experienced, so much love that you would share.

My girls will never be loved the way you loved them, not by me, my husband or anyone else.  It was the most genuine and pure type of love.  It is so sad that way taken away from them so early on.  Sara keeps going to George's mom looking for that extra attention that only you could give.   It isn't the same.  She has 8 other grandchildren.   She misses you terribly and doesn't know how to fill that void in our lives.  I can't even help her.  I can't help myself since I need you too.

You promised Sara that we would go to Disney for her birthday this May.  I will honor that promise for you.  You will be with us then as you will always be.  But you're really not here, you are gone forever...

I took your picture with us and your handprint and put it on the dresser so we would see your face every day.  But its not the same.  It never will be.

Well the girls went back to school today. Actually they should have went yesterday but I couldn't bear the thought of you not being here for the first day of school. So they went today, but it was still their first day back. There was no phone call from you asking how it went. You won't be there at pick up either. You were always there but not this year, not ever again. Only a mother can know how sad it is on the first day of school. Only a mom like you. They say that time heals all wounds. I find that as time goes by I am only beginning to feel the enormity of losing you. I am living my life and doing things with the girls, but just going through the motions since that is what I am supposed to do. I now know why you were so sad when grandma passed, but she was 90 and suffered so many years. You had so much more to experience, to live, to love and be loved and to give. It is just wrong and this can't be the way things are supposed to be. But they are.

As long as i can remember mom always took care of and looked out for others. She took care of my cousins when I was first born. My uncle was in the Vietnam War and it was a scary time for her. Obviously she cared for me, with never a moment passed that I ever doubted her love. She never hit me, punished me and never made me feel like I ever disappointed her. The best mom in the whole world. She used to say "me and you against the world. " Now it is just me. She had a hard life. My dad drank too much, didn't always come home and didn't give her much money. So she went back to work in the bank and then returned to her old job with the FAA. That was probably the best thing to happen to her.   She used to say that sometimes the worst things that happen to you turn out to be the best thing to happen to you.   I can't see how I can believe that now.

She was able to send me to St. John's University. She would type my term papers for school at her office since we didn't have a typewriter back then.   I would be home asleep and she would be there until midnight getting it done for me.  That is the type of person she was.

My dad's mom had a stroke and we took her in . Mom was treated so badly by grandma Sally. She would curse, hit, scratch and spit on her. But mom took care of her until she needed more care than she could give. A year later grandpa died and grandma came to live with us until she was 90. Grandma was bipilar and manic depressant so life was not easy for mom. She also took care of my other cousin when he was a baby. My Aunt had major surgery so of course mom was right there to help. She loved doing it. Anything for her family and friends. She took care of my girls always. She was always my first choice to watch them, but had to care for grandma. Sometimes I wouldn't ask because I wouldn't want her to feel bad if she couldn't. I never had to pay a babysitter - but she would pay someone to stay with grandma. Sara got hit in the forehead by a bat one day and mom sat by her side all night putting ice packs on and off every 20 minutes. I didn't do it, my mom did. She took such good care of them. I never had to ask for help. She would just come. Always asking when they were off from school so she could do something with them. During the day she could come since she had to take care of grandma at night.

I was pregnant with Sara and Katie was still a baby when George got hurt skiing.  My boss gave me such a hard time about taking off so many days.  Guess took off from work and took care of my husband.... Not me, not his mother ...but my mom.  

She was like an angel and whenever I was worried about something I would go to her.  I knew that if she prayed for help she would get it.  She gave so much of herself to everyone that I knew that God would listen to her.  Now I know that I was wrong.  He didn't listen to her, he took away the only thing she wanted to do in the world at the time she had a chance to do it.   Life is so unfair.

Grandma needed so much attention and care, it is surprising that you had anything left to give.  But you did and so willingly and effortlessly.   You finally were able to go out without worring about getting home.  I just don't understand and I guess I never will.

To fully comprehend the meaning of the word love, selflessness, compassion, and devotion you would have had to known my mom. She had so much love in her heart for everyone.