It's been almost two years since you've been gone now, but i find myself thinking of you more and more. maybe it's because the holidays are near, or maybe i'm still grieving.. i know it is a process, but i didn't know it took so long! last night and this morning were especially hard for me. i found my self crying like a baby! it was too early to call mom or ang, so i went online to seek something/anything..

"It is natural to want to freely cry Read books on dealing with bereavement Surround yourself with friends and family who love you If you experience extensive depression and inability to function, consult a counselor or therapist Expect the holidays to be difficult (including birthdays and anniversaries) Find a support group to attend Establish a memorial in memory of the deceased parent Spend time remembering the parent by sharing her life with others Create a scrap book or photo album"

"Break Down- When faced with the loss of a parent there is nothing more natural than to shed tears. Sometimes it may take a few days for the reality of your loss to hit you. You may be very busy dealing with the funeral and all of the arrangements that go with it but when things settle down and you finally have time to realize that you have indeed lost your parent, most people will break down. I have found that this is something my body needed to do when dealing with the loss of my parent. Go ahead and cry or scream. It will make you feel a little better in the end. 

Turn To Loved Ones- Sometimes it is easier to grieve the loss of a parent when you do so with a loved one who is dealing with the same loss. Your family and friends can be a great support during this time in your life. If you have siblings that are enduring the same parental loss, lean on each other. You need them and they need you. Your family knows what you are feeling since they are probably feeling the same emotions. 

Rememberance- Doing something in rememberance can help when dealing with the loss of a parent. You could plant a tree, make a donation in memory of your parent to their favorite charity or just do something that your loved one enjoyed. You could even choose an activity to do every year, on the day of their passing, in rememberance of your parent. You may want to just have a birthday party for your parent every year when their birthday rolls around. Doing anything in rememberance will help you feel that they are still a part of you. 

Talk- Talking about your parent can bring you joy. Talk about the things they liked, the things you had done together, the places they had visited. Tell your children about your parent and the things you think your parent would have liked your children to know about them. Talking can help so much." 

"When one of your parents dies, you may find that all sorts of things start to worry you that didn't before. You may fear that your other parent will die too. If you have younger brothers or sisters, you may have new responsibilities now and more work to do at home. You may need to help out more with chores, cooking, errands or even get a part time job. In a way, this may help your grief; helping others can be healing too. You may worry about much smaller things too. Don't let small problems overcrowd your mind. Concentrate on one at a time. Deal with the most serious ones first, and then sometimes the smaller ones just take care of themselves."

A lot of things have been on my mind: mom's health, angela and her decisions, finances that we're struggling with, plans for the future, things that have happened in the past... it's very overwhelming. since you've been gone, daddy, i've taken on a lot more responsibility for the family. i'm not complaining because i want us all to be happy and healthy. it's kind stressful at times though!

I just miss talking to you about things. you were always so patient and understanding, and you gave such good advice. i miss hearing how your days were-you always had such positive outlooks for everything. i miss you calling me "yorgi" even though i still have no clue what that means :P i miss your voice, period. 

When i look back now, i realize and appreciate the way you were during your sickness. you weren't demanding, whiney, depressed, negative, etc. and i wish i knew then the importance of a life.. if we could turn back time, i would have been there for you daddy. i wouldn't have left, and i would have taken care of you with out grumbling. i'm so sorry i didn't always have a positive attitude towards you all the time. i know you deserved more than what you got.

There are many memories that keep replaying in my head.. the time you did tae-bo and we recorded it (so cute), our fake christmas trees, your health food store and making us take millions of pills to stay healthy, feeding poopie, going to the beach on sundays, your cooking, the random things you used to say to make us laugh, your singing... how you were so patient, understanding, level-headed (most of the time :P), caring, generous (even when you had so little), loving, supportive, kind, easy to talk to, always wanting to help..

I've tried to keep all these good memories and feelings, but there are a couple of things i wish i could forget. like, yelling at you, loosing my patience/temper, not wanting to listen or take your advice, being moody towards you, etc. most of all, i wish i could forget that morning. i woke up to multiple missed calls because i had my phone on silent. see, mom was trying to call me so i could say goodbye to you before you left. i remember this feeling. its probably the greatest thing i regret in my life so far. i woke up so early that day, but i was still too late. now i would give anything to have one more conversation with you, dad, anything.. and that's probably why i talk to you internally and even out loud when no one's around. 

Despite all that yucky stuff i'm dealing with, i am thankful. thankful that you are somewhere without stress, debt, pain, or any problems. i hope you are with grandma and grandpa, having good food, being warm, and singing lots of music :) i am also thankful for the huge wake-up call you brought to my life. i felt much pain when i finally called mom back that morning.. but nothing was more painful and hard to bare than to see you laying in the open casket. i couldn't go near you, and when i did... i couldn't breathe. your skin was so hard and cold.. but you looked so peaceful. all that emotion running through me and taking my breath away, was like an electric shock to my brain. telling me to wake up, life is short and unexpected, do what you love, and care for those you love. i'm thankful for the little words of wisdom you instilled in me. i'm thankful to share a similar love for life as you. i am thankful you are my dad and that i was so lucky to spend as much time with you as i had. 

I miss you so much daddy. nothing will ever replace you in my life.. i will never forget you or anything about you-you will always be a part of me. i will be the best person i can be because of you [and mom too, of course] and everything i've learned through you.  

YAYA YOU!!

love, "yorgi" :)

Dad, 
I realize that you are in very critical condition. So i just wanted to write down a few things i want you to know, just in case. 
First off, know that i love you so so much. I know that i carely said these words to you in the past, but it doesn't mean that i don't feel it or mean it, cause i do. I love you very much dad. ANd i don't want this to be the last time i have to tell you...But know that it's true. :) 
I love all our past memories at home. your random goofiness, your tasty cooking, your cooky boxers, your great singing, the way you said things, like: "Are you reeEady?" I miss when you would go to the lanai and say hi to me while i was at the pool, i miss the way you cared for me like when you would turn the fan off at night if it got too cold. i miss all the good times we had at the beach like when we were younger with our big inflatable turtle and i miss seeing the joy in your face and the twinkle in your eyes when we'd go to the park. I miss driving you and taking care of you while you were sick, i miss you "special" christmases with our interestingly decorated tree. I miss seeing you in the kitchen making a snack at 2 in the morning when i'd come back from clubbing. I miss holding your warm, soft, loving hands, i miss your random dance moves, i miss going to your singing performances and seeing you sing so happily on stage. Most of all, i miss you. I love you dad. And i know your in pain now, so if you leave, i understand, but please try to wait til me and Cassandra get there. I love you, always and forever dad.