My beautiful nephew! Today is the 7th anniversary of your days of past. I wish I lived closer to your mama especially on days like today. I know her heart aches for you. She remains deep in mourning for you. 

My wish for her is as it has always been to find a place of peace somehow with your passing. I want her to know it’s okay to cry,  to miss you and to carry you always with her and I wish she knew that it is okay to live in the now. There is no shame in living. No shame in her finding happiness and joy. 

I believe she is trapped in your passing, the guilt that even as much as she hoped and wished for a cure to your cancer she could not heal it or save you from dying. That is every mother’s wish when their children are hurt or ill. That Our harms, our kisses or strength of shear will- will somehow keep our children from harm but we can not cure everything and therefore we hurt along with our children. I imagine that this is where she remains. 

In her heart You remain an 11-year-old boy, her little boy- a bright, kind and active child, with an incredible since of humor. Your bright blue eyes filled with future dreams and aspirations. 

Locked in the moments of beeping of machines, monitors and iv’s. Tummy aches and headaches, you throwing up from the chemo or aches from the radiation. She remains locked in the want, desire and fight to cure you. The belief that this is all a nightmare and that she will wake to find you health, happy and most of all alive. 

 I can remember sitting in the parking lot after visiting you that last night~ Thinking about how full of smiles you were, reliving your laughter, and how playful you were and even though there was limited hiding spaces in your room, you and Jenna managed to find some. I remember thinking how can this beautiful child go from being told his long fight from cancer is over in May to being told that it had reappeared in his brain in July. To hear the words from the doctor about how it is so invasive that they couldn’t do surgery and that it was growing fast~ yet through it all you remain so cheerful and hopeful for everyone around him. Your courage and fearlessness was remarkable just has you had been all the days of your life. 

oh Joshua you are and always will be so loved so missed in this world. It was your strength,  courage and fight that inspired me to live each day in the now. Seeing you live each moment by moment never discouraged by the pain you must have been in was intense and life changing experience. 

I am forever grateful for your presence in my life even if it wasn’t for my lifetime as it should have been. In a 11 yrs you touched so many hearts. You taught us to live every moment, laugh every day and to love with all your heart. 

I will close for now but know sweet nephew although your precious life on earth was short, your soul remains the most remarkable and your memory will live on. 

I hope you are resting well and in peace! 

Love Always Aunt Nana

Joshua is my nephew and to him I was his Nana.

So many times over and over again, I will closed my eyes and hoped I would open them and Joshua would be standing there, I can imagine telling him that his momma has been so sad, that he should of never went away like that. I then would take him to his momma- she would embracement him.

But no matter how many times I do this, he never appears and reality is he won’t.

I was with Joshy as I have been to many times before when family members have either taken their last breathes -like my mother or sat all day with my grandmother or father just to be told that not long after I had left, I needed to return because they had taken their last breathe and passed away. 
I was called by my ex- sister in law telling me that they had been doing CPR on my only brother and she just could not tell them to stop and needed me to tell the nurses and DR that it was ok. 

Each of these events changed me in some way. Yet none of them touched me as much as Joshy’s passing. Never does anyone imagine and there really is no way to prepare although Dr.s had explained that the cancer – the tumor in his brain was going to kill Joshua.

It’s just isn’t natural for a child to die before his elders, no matter how this happens or what events occurs. Your heart, your mind can never prepare for this kind of loss.
Joshua was a beautiful boy. Inside and out. His presence filled the room with joy. He wasn’t like most other children. You can see the good, the purity and innocence that life had to offer by looking into his eyes. Nothing throughout his young life ever changed that goodness within him. He never wanted anymore then he was given, never cried or begged or throw tantrums, Joshua I truly believe was a gift to us all. To know him was to love him. He was a giver of love, laughter and wanted nothing more than to please.

His devotion to his Mother was no secret, he loved her ever so much. It was obvious the two of them were almost as one, the bond so close, so endearing. Together they had been through and overcome so much, together they were each other’s reason.  

From the moment his momma placed my hand upon her belly to feel him, I loved him. Watching Joshua grow, play. Being of part of his life was an honor. Sitting near the bed one hand on my little sisters back the other one his leg as he too took his very last breathe, pained me in a way I have never experienced. I beg God never to allow another child so close to me die. I knew I had to be strong for Sheryl, I needed to be there for her. I needed to catch her as she collapsed. The horror, shock and immediate heart break in her eyes. There was no time for me to be weak.

For hours my sister sat with her little boy. Timed just didn’t seem real. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I just wanted to reverse time for her. I wanted to take away the pain and I still do. I knew this was something, I couldn’t fix and I know that there isn’t anything that is going to help right now. Even to this day I can't bring myself to visit her home. I don't want it all to be even more real for me. 

I was the last one with Joshua. As much as I didn’t want to leave him- the time had come to place a kiss upon his forehead and tell him goodbye.

Sweet Dream my nephew, you’ll forever be in our hearts, and our memories. I’ll see you again. Love you Kid --- Nana