As many of you know, my mom and I had a relationship that I often found challenging. In recent years I've been trying to find my way to be at piece within it, and I know that journey will continue even though she is no longer here. There were good times and bad with her, but in the good times she offered Joe and me support, love, and an example of how to be. I'd like to share just one recent example now.
A little under a year ago, her physical and mental health both took a turn for the worse, and a good friend, Susan, helped her find a new place to live, in an assisted living facility, Creekside. This will no doubt be the fate of many of us, and, being the fiercely individualistic person she was, it's something she truly did not want to do. She wanted to live on her own, being responsible for her own affairs. But she accepted the need to move to a place where she could get more care.
But she also did something that would not be easy for me, or, I believe, for most people. The director of the facility told me a few days ago that Ma made a conscious choice, not just to accept her new situation, but to embrace it. She made a point of connecting with the other residents, making many new friends there. She decided to become an unofficial ambassador to incoming residents of Creekside, as well as new staff. All of the friends and family who have been in contact with her during this last year have said that she seemed calmer and happier than she had been for a long time. And when the news came to Creekside that she had passed, the director told me that she made a special trip in to comfort the staff, because everyone there had become attached to Ma.
I'm sure many people would be angry with the world if they found themselves in a situation where they were unable to enjoy the freedom they once had, and I have some concern I'll feel the same way if that moment comes for me. But Ma showed me through her example how to accept the unavoidable, and how to turn a feared moment into one in which one may thrive and bring joy to others. So thank you, Ma, for teaching me that lesson.
Eulogy for Kathleen Mary Grady
by Joe Grady (son)
March 9, 2013
Newman Hall, Berkeley, CA
Thanks very much for being here today. My brother and I deeply appreciate your support and are very happy you are able to join us in remembering our mom.
Kathleen believed that after leaving this life she would rejoin her parents and other beloved people, and so Ma, I hope you’re having great conversations with Nonnie, Uncle Tom, Aunt Alberta and others you’ve missed.
Kathleen could often be difficult, as many of you know. But she also had qualities that made her a special and even remarkable person in the good times. I’d like to say a few words about these qualities and the things Kathleen loved.
First, she loved her family.
She delighted in being around her sons and her two granddaughters Mina and Eve, and cherished the weekly phone calls with them since my family lives across the country in Rhode Island.
She also reached out to cousins and other family members around the country as often as she could and encouraged Steven and me to keep up contact with them too.
She loved her friends.
It’s no accident that she had some friendships that lasted fifty years or even more – and she talked to some friends across the country several times a week. She was gregarious, bright and fun on the good days. She also told me that keeping in touch with people, and putting people in touch with each other were strengths she was proud of.
Kathleen loved education.
She talked about the importance of education throughout my childhood at least and was delighted I got a Ph.D. And she talked often about her own wonderful experiences at Immaculate Heart High School and College in Los Angeles.
She also loved activism.
One of the things she deeply appreciated about her education at Immaculate Heart was that they instilled a strong commitment to social justice. But for better or worse – and often for better – Kathleen was a fighter by nature. She got a law degree because she believed it would make her a more effective fighter on behalf of people who needed help. In the small apartment she lived in for the past year, Steven and I found a picket sign in support of striking nurses – if she could walk, or even if she couldn’t walk, she was going to be on the picket lines.
Over the years she worked or volunteered for many candidates and elected officials – Ron Dellums, Barbara Lee and Mayor Jean Quan to name a few. And I’m also proud to say she devoted her energy to many important causes, such as nursing home reform in her final years. And of course, of course, she was a member of the Berkeley chapter of the Grey Panthers.
Kathleen also loved the spiritual dimension of life
Despite her conflicts with authority figures of all kinds, she was a believer, and always wanted to be part of some congregation. She prayed regularly, and asked her children to, and as one illustration of her priorities, she gave my young daughters a crucifix as a gift.
Kathleen had various other loves, such as the beach – she talked about cherished teenage memories of taking a bus all the way across LA to spend days on the sand – as well as her pet cats and birds over the years, and beautiful days like today, and rail travel.
If she had been born later, Kathleen might have lived a much different life, and not had to carry the burdens that often made it so difficult, and that made it so challenging to be close to her at times.
But today we remember the beautiful qualities that were perhaps closer to her true self.
We love you, Ma.
