After going through the first week caring for Cara, I begin to understand why God intended things this way. I am emotional and incompetent as a mother.
Cara is always the stronger one. She kicked me throughout the whole pregnancy while Kaylen did not. Until labor was induced on week 38, Kaylen had not given me any signs of kicking, except that her heartbeat is always beating. But 2 days before both were born, the day before August 9th, she gave me a few kicks... I was still sharing with Bryan that it was a miracle that she kicked me. We were rejoicing, not knowing that it may have been the last breath she took. Actually, there were signs from God. Many signs actually that God was trying to tell me something.... to mention 2 most recent ones are that one of the baby cots couldn't be set up because the screws had been misplaced for weeks.... so for a few weeks there was only one cot. The screws were found 2 days before I was induced for labor. No time to set up yet... When I was discharged, Bryan knew how I longed to sleep with Cara so he set up the 2nd cot for me even though he was already very exhausted on the day of my discharge.
There is another case where we were considering buying an infant car seat, because Hwee Leng only had one to lend me, but because we still intended not to drive, we decided not to get it. These are signs from God, as a mother I already had an instinct, and to be frank, I even resorted to superstitious beliefs that misplacing the cot screws was a bad sign......but I dismissed that thought. I told myself that the two of them can share a cot first. I was once angry at Bryan's mum for packing up my storeroom and putting the screws into one of the luggages, which we never thought to look through. She herself couldn't remember where she had placed them. When I calmed down, I knew that she was only trying to help.
So, basically, there are signs... Kaylen was always the weaker one. She was always 200 to 400 grams behind Cara's weight, even when they were 11 weeks old and we discovered we had twins. Bryan and I shared this before, that we believe God will only give us the best out of the worst situation. And I firmly believe that this is the best because even if Kaylen was born and pulled through, she might have more problems growing up, and I am beginning to see it now that Cara is 8 days old, I still don't have confidence to latch her well and need the confinement lady to spoon-feed her extra breast milk after every breast feeding session (I pump out the remainder of my milk because Cara is too sleepy...). Side-track abit, I was so jealous to see Cara smiling sweeetly at the confinement lady because she is happy that she can enjoy milk with no extra effort (sucking). Anyway, it could be worse for us to handle Kaylen's later life struggle if she is constantly the weaker one.
"For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love."
(Lamentations 3:31-32)
When both were 37 weeks old, Cara already weighed 2.7kg, but Kaylen hardly had any increase in weight, just a pathetic 100 to 200 grams and she weighed 2.1 kg at week 37. I ask the doctor if we need to induce birth now. The doctor said to wait for one more week -- I later found out that he was on his way to holiday somewhere in Bali that week... so I was very stressed and kept praying that the babies wouldn't be born while my gynae was away. When I had my next routine check-up on week 38, there were a lot of mothers waiting in the clinic. I had the longest wait in 38 weeks, and that day was very very unusual. They forgot to take my weight, which was never the case because they are very prompt. So i had to request for my weight to be taken, which showed no increase in weight.
When i saw my gynae, he was beaming because he had just came back from holiday, but suddenly he frowned when he detected no heartbeat for Kaylen. I could not believe it because I thought maybe this was a dream. It had to be a dream but it was not. I did not break down immediately because I thought maybe the doctor was wrong, God won't do this to me. Until it was confirmed that I had to be induced right away because it might affect Cara as well. So I broke down in tears and refused to believe anything. I was immediately admitted on a wheelchair and in tears, pushed to labor ward at 1 pm. Bryan comforted me that we still have Cara and that the most important thing is Cara...
(Bryan had to leave for school once I was admitted because he was assigned by the school to evaluate a student's presentation. He asked me what he should do. I know that I wanted his presence because I was very emotional, but I told him to leave for school. My mum stayed with me that time. I brought myself together and told the doctor I wanted a natural birth even though Kaylen already left us. I just wanted to feel the pain because I was in deep pain anyway, losing Kaylen. But I want to see her once she was born. What I didn't expect is that I had to go through 23 hours of labour pain with extra doses of epidural. When I first took the epidural, I was only 1 cm dilated. The next morning at 9am, I was still 6 to 7 cm dilated. The doctor said it had taken too long and it was dangerous for Cara. So I had to resort to an emergency C-section. I was in total pain.
Cara and Kaylen were born at 1215pm. I was asleep so I didn't get to meet Kaylen. When I awoke, I immediately wanted to see Cara. She was really sweet. She looks like Bryan. Later that night, they took Kaylen to me, she only weighs 1.5kg but she looked a lot like Cara, a smaller version, even though they were non-identical twins. I can't help imagine that Kaylen is in heaven looking at us, with God holding her, looking exactly like Cara... Yes, I can imagine that. She is in the better hands of God... This comforted me greatly... Though I still cry everyday, it is because I miss her very much. But Cara is there to comfort me as well, one look at her... everything else doesn't matter anymore. Which is why I am more paranoid whenever something minor happens to Cara. I point fingers and find fault in people so that I can be angry and cry. Even Bryan had to suffer from my bad temper, I kept screaming at him in the hospital because of little things. I know I am depressed so we prayed a lot together, and cried together when we miss Kaylen. But we know and are assured that God is taking good care of her, we love Kaylen but God loves her more.
"Come let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds."
(Hosea 6:1)
I thank God for the 38 weeks that I had Kaylen inside my womb, on my left side, When I miss her, I will instinctively touch my left tummy, where she used to be for a long time... We will always remember her. Especially so when I look at another set of twins again. Then, I will tell Cara of her little twin sister residing in Heaven. If God is willing, I will give her another little brother or sister, it will be in God's timing. My mom is trying to stop me, after knowing how horrible my pregnancy was (difficulty walking as early as in the 2nd trimester, strong nausea, really bad swelling, etc). But no matter what hardship I have to go through, I know it will eventually be rewarded when you finally carry your little baby in your hands.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
(Jer 29: 11)
I am weak yet I will be strong as I have faith in God. I know I can draw strength from Him anytime. And Kaylen will be watching us from above. We know one day we will be reunited in Heaven.
"The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
(Ps 34: 17-18)
Thank you all for praying.
