June 2, 2014
June 2, 2014
I am a widower. On June 2, 2013 at 10:22pm, a date like any other date when you look at calendar, my wife of 24 years, Kelly Marie Palermo, died. To us 10:22 meant so much more, it was our - first date, engagement, marriage, vow renewal and a joyful game we would play almost everyday of our lives together. Seeing if we could get in front of a clock as it would tick 10:22 we would kiss and giggle like those giddy teenage kids from way back when, It was a great game. …life changes in an ordinary moment.
During the month leading up to Kelly’s death, I was sleeping two to four hours a night, making hospital vigils; attending a dozen hours a day. I went back and forth, home/hospital / work from the moment her symptoms of colon cancer first appeared. One night, I woke up to her 4 a.m. screams. My fear was overwhelming. I had to punch my heart to start breathing. It is an experience that is embedded forever in my memory.
Coming home to an empty house is not easy. There is no one to greet you, and the chair opposite mine at the dinner table is empty. The house seems to echo from the silence and I shed a tear as I remember that I’m now alone. So many years together, so many memories the two of us created together is all I have left. Losing a loved one changes your entire life, especially when the loved one was also your best friend. I feel completely lost and totally uncomfortable making even minor decisions. The bed feels big and I hug the pillows for comfort. But something inside me tells me that I can survive!
How does a man pick up the pieces of his life after years of marriage? For me, at first, it seemed impossible. “I simply can’t do this,” I said to myself. This is way too much-way more than anything before. I simply felt unequipped, lacking the strength and courage I thought it took. I had suicidal thoughts while looking for a non-existent exit strategy.
There definitely is something to be said about going through that first calendar year alone. There were the first holidays and the first birthdays. There was that first wedding anniversary. Seeing the balloon heart form in the sky touched my heart and soul I knew at that moment Kelly will always be with me Those first time dated experiences are unsettling landmarks.
Having gone through this memorial year, I don’t want to die young like my wife did. I want to live life to the fullest with the time I have left, enjoying my days.
I love all of you, thank you for being there when I need it and standing at a distance when I need time alone.
During the month leading up to Kelly’s death, I was sleeping two to four hours a night, making hospital vigils; attending a dozen hours a day. I went back and forth, home/hospital / work from the moment her symptoms of colon cancer first appeared. One night, I woke up to her 4 a.m. screams. My fear was overwhelming. I had to punch my heart to start breathing. It is an experience that is embedded forever in my memory.
Coming home to an empty house is not easy. There is no one to greet you, and the chair opposite mine at the dinner table is empty. The house seems to echo from the silence and I shed a tear as I remember that I’m now alone. So many years together, so many memories the two of us created together is all I have left. Losing a loved one changes your entire life, especially when the loved one was also your best friend. I feel completely lost and totally uncomfortable making even minor decisions. The bed feels big and I hug the pillows for comfort. But something inside me tells me that I can survive!
How does a man pick up the pieces of his life after years of marriage? For me, at first, it seemed impossible. “I simply can’t do this,” I said to myself. This is way too much-way more than anything before. I simply felt unequipped, lacking the strength and courage I thought it took. I had suicidal thoughts while looking for a non-existent exit strategy.
There definitely is something to be said about going through that first calendar year alone. There were the first holidays and the first birthdays. There was that first wedding anniversary. Seeing the balloon heart form in the sky touched my heart and soul I knew at that moment Kelly will always be with me Those first time dated experiences are unsettling landmarks.
Having gone through this memorial year, I don’t want to die young like my wife did. I want to live life to the fullest with the time I have left, enjoying my days.
I love all of you, thank you for being there when I need it and standing at a distance when I need time alone.
