there are times I know you are communicating with me because I can feel your spirit.  Tonight, I am sitting here thinking of you.  I listened to Crissroads without crying tears I e day.  When I worry about your baby brother, Kevin, I pray and know between Fid and Nod, he will be just fine.  One day Kev will heal and let go the hurt, Notty.  I always kiss my hand and touch my face for a kiss from you.  You know I coukdn’t stand you and Kev’s wet kisses to my face!  Yes, Kev still does it to me.  Mommy miss her man for sure.  Continuing to send those unused blessings to usand watch over us from day to day.  Until we meet again, mommy misses you!  I love you, baby.

Greg keeping it alive!  Look at this chrome on his nice car!

It's been nine years, but it's yesterday and last night in my memory because I am your mommy!  It hurts a different way and cuts like a knife every time just thinking of you not being here with dad, Kev, and me.  I know God healed me of the grief, but I have to cope with the pain as I walk along the way.  Of course I miss you and so many others do, too.  You gave us love, strength, laughter, and you left us with so many memories to remember you by.

Some of your friends like Travis has joined you and my mama is with you, too.
Notty, your friends are still holding me, loving me, and keeping me at their side from day to day.  Simmi does not feed me chicken anymore because I gained so much weight!  Lol!  I can hardly look at Thur some days, but I am sure he feel the same way about me, too.  Yarmin will always be here with Ma.  Dorian and Mond, what can I say, they too, are right here with me.  Carl, Greg, and Ray is one pictjre when I see them togerther.  I spent time with Avery the other day and I saw you there standing the whole time I talked to him!  I heard from Ashley Love recently and he's a married man.  Ashley Love was your big brother in life.  How many days I called Ashley on you???  Ashley, tell Notty to stop!  He held me on day one and never let me go!


Your baby brother, your clone, your little brother, Kevin (Kebo) hurts everyday, but one day he will make his peace and find his way.  I know he is living like you are living with him from day to day.  He's a grown man today, Nod.  What I wouldn't do to see you stand side by side today.  Watch over him as you do and I know you do.  One day his pain won't hurt so bad.  He misses his brother in every way.  He's determine to succeed with his music in honor of you.  He loves his brother.


I love and miss you, Nod, but I have God to see me through it all.

See you at the crossroads!    

         

Here's Kev and grandma at Kevin's extravagant 25th birthday bash!  It was something way out there and it was awesome!

I went out to Oak Hill Cemetery alone because I wanted to.  I sat there talking about everybody, crying, and laughing!  I had to be there on your birthday.  I don;t go as often, but mommy will never leave you out there!  I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!

Nod,
Here he is!  He watches over me and listen to my heart from day to day.
He is right there for Kev and me.  I love him, Nod!  

Today is Nov.28 and it's your 34th birthday, Nod G!  Kev, dad, me, and Biskit (with the children) are here talking about you and laughing crazy as we usually do.  We love you, baby!

Kev Jr and I took this picture on thanksgiving Day 2014!
Thinking of yo on your birthday, Notty!  We love you! 

We buried your boy/friend for life, Travis today.  It's the same day of the month we buried you on and thirty days to the date!  Kevin spoke at the funeral and he even mentioned you.  It was a hard pill to swallow with Travis leaving us.  First you, now Travis, what a loss.  I tried to comfort all of my boys that you left to care for me and my girls, too.  His mom (Phyllis) was a real champ throughout the entire service.  I felt as though this is one time we all came together as one on one accord, Notty.  I went to Oak Hill Cemetery with everybody and we laid flowers on your grave site, too.  You are buried just feet apart, but you are in Heaven together.  I love and miss you both.


Mommie!

Thur with mommie and the crew out to have Nod's 32nd birthday Remembrance Dinner!  One of the Realist!

This is the most beautiful gravesite there has ever been!  It was so pretty. 
Thanks to whoever laid the flowers, it made me cry, but I was so happy! 

Yes, it is your 32nd birthday and we are clowning.  We all are trying to be cool, but it just cuts like a knife everyday of my life!  There is no getting better and you are not in a better place!  Those are words I don't want to hear!

The effect you had on  other people lives is awesome.  You were their friend, their boy tht they can trust, and roll with through the night.  In our words, you were a legend and a icon to your family.  You left so many broken and empty hearts here, but I know how faithful you were to your friends and I know you are watching over them, too.

God has bought me through a many days and nights.  I pray to him everyday to let me and Kev grow old together in this life.  I let go of the anger that I was holding onto and filled my life with love and laughter.  I thank God everyday for allowing me to share your life as your mother for twenty-five years!

I am going to make it whether I want to or not!  I may hurt until my dying day, but I will be just fine.   Everyday I try to replace a hurtful memory with one of your silly moments with us.  You left so many memories and laughs.  I want you to know it is twice as hard for Kev because he keeps me focused and happy.  Although I still go after him, he does understand.  That guy will not disappoint mommie!  Please watch over Kev, dad, and me Nod.  We will be fine between God and Nod!

I am thinking of your only daughter,ILIHN, today jsut as well.  I texted her a kiss and hug on this day.  She is beautiful and she looks just like me, too!  I love her and our day shall come.


IN REMEMBRANCE OF MY FIRSTBORN SON, NOTTY, ON HIS 32nd BIRTHDAY.



SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS!          

It totally amazes me every year around the time of your birthday or the day you left, I see Heidi.  Yes, I saw Heidi shopping in the stores, but Ilihn, your daughter, wasn't with her.  I still see the grief and pain that is in her eyes.  She loves you still to this day Notty and I got to thank God for that.  She shared a picture of Ilihn with me and I am glad to have one.  She told me she will come to see our family (with Ilihn) this week, too.  I love her because you love her, Notty, and I will keep it in my heart.  Your daughter looks just like you and me, too.

We all met up in Tolleston Park to let go of balloons in the air in rememberance of Nod G on this day!  I did it on Saturday because this year Easter fell on this day.

 I only asked a few to come with me and they all did, too! 

Charlotte, Shawny, Noz, was the first to appear, but that is the usual.  Auntee Charlotte still the same, being there for me and tolerating all that I do, especially when I fall down.  they love me so much Nod, and I love them more.


Simmi, Thur, Dee, Essay, Mond, Danny, DP, Lyles, Raven, and LilMikey was in the park with me and Kev.  They answer every call mommie makes!        


Simmi, Thur, and Yarmin faces are the ones I still hold back the tears just by thinking of them or looking in their faces.  They lost their best friend in life.   
Your crazy drunk uncle Derk, (most faithful) came to the park to make all of us laugh hysterically.  Ivan Jr. got married yesterday and Derk left the wedding early because they was not serving liquor, only pop!  We laughed so hard.  I talked to Avery on the phone (he was here for the wedding) and he is still the same.  He can't hardly speak your name to this day.
Dee, is Dee.  I don't know who misses you more to this day, but Dee will never accept your loss in his life.  He lost his only brother, Nod.  Mond will always be at his side, Nod.    
LilMikey was there with his firstborn son, LilMikey!   He has two sons today.  He is such a daddy for his children, Nod. 
For some reason, Thur feels my heart of ache and pain, he is one the greatest guys I know that knew you.  Thur will keep your memories alive!  

Kev and DPDaDoughboi had to be there!  Your brother is just Kevin going by the name KushmanBallinompany and he is determined to live out his brother, Nod's legacy!  I am wishing him the best.  He takes care of mommies heart everyday.  I am sure he knows he is all I have left in this life.

Big Kev wasn't there because I did not tell him.  It would have been too much for him to be there.  I want you to know everyday Dad talks of how good Notty friends are to us and how they loved you, Nod.  I will always keep the door open for them and I can't think of anyting I would not do for them, Nod.  I do remember the time you told me to always love your friends because they love me, Nod. 


I am going out to Oak Hill today alone to lay your flowers and light a candle in remembrance of my firstborn son, Leonard!


Between God and Nod, mommie will be alright!  I love you, baby!               

It is Christmas and I am thinking of you as mommie usually do

wondering what life would be like if I shared Christmas with you

I heard from all of your friends and boys that loved you best

I am reminded everyday how you are loved and remembered by the rest

All the kindness, comfort, and love won't ever allow me to be depressed

Don't get me wrong, I have my days, but luckliy I can just laugh and say,

"Notty, stop messing with mommie today"

Your only brother Kevin Jr does it best, he walk around everyday repping

Nod G in every way

He too, haven't accepted you are not here anymore, he wears it in his eyes everyday as he walks through the door

Everytime he hurts, his mind is on you

you were the brother he adored, admired, cherished, and looked up to

You loved him, you had his back, you were more than a brother and mommie knew that

We shared the day and he did what Nod would do

everything he could think of  to keep his mind off you

No, it didn't work for Kev, dad, or me

there is no happiness in our life since we all miss Nod G

I woke up last night at 11:53 pm to post on my FB page In Remembrance of Nod on his 31st birthday.  I don't say happy birthday because I don't get that part.  I can't sasy R.I.P. because I am not going to let this rest in peace.   can say Rest InHeaven.  I know your birthday makes me cry even more because of the many memories you left us with.  I still hurt more for Kevin and dad to this day more than myself.  I look at Kev some days and only see you in him.  He love you more than life itself because I taught you to love, hold, and kiss each other in life.  Trust me, there is no greater hurt to come to Kev's life that would ever affect him that way.  Kev is all grown up and I try not to love him too much.  Part of me believe God called you home because I worshipped you and Kev too much in life.  Thank you Nod, for leaving me your friends to keep your memories alive and to answer all MaDebbie calls.  Simmi, Drew, Dorrian, Mond, Carl, Greg, Ray, Thur, Fred, Jt, Jon/Dell, Mikey, Tricky Trav, and Yarmin (just to name a few)!  I love all my babies for being there for me.

Cynthia and Debbie on the picture with NO- SHAVE NOVEMBER Kev and Dee!

Me, Carl, and Greg on Thanksgiving Day 2011 was the best Thanksgiving Day I have had since you left us, Nod.

We took this picture on Thanksgiving Day 2011!  Having Carl, Greg, Dee, and Kev in the house was a bit overwhelming to me!  I kept going in the room crying because you were missing from the room.  I know you and I believe I felt your presence there!  All of these guys and Dorian really lost their brother when they lost you!  I thank God and you for leaving me with people that grew up with you and loved you throughout your life.  No matter when I talk to them or see them, I am crying inside because you are suppose to be with them! 

This is was one of the best Mother's Day celebration ever!  Just me and my baby, Kev! Keep a hold of him, Nod.

It happened so fast and it was over.  Just like that.  Oh my, I never imagined Arbradella not being here anymore with the rest of us.  Often, I remind myself tht she is not here any longer.  I think of all I went through with her and raising her children.  A whole other world opened to me with love for the children.  I am who I am and I must be who God wants me to be.  I will do it all through the Lord.  I miss my sister with all my heart.  As long as I know I did all I could do and then more, I am alright.  Always in my heart. 

Five year, huh?  No, I don't think so!  It is still yesterday and a day does not go by and I don't feel the pain in my heart.  I can never put into words what I feel because then I must admit you are no longer here.  I am not being selfish because all my hurt is for Kevin, Dad, and even Big Nardy!  Those folks and your real friends miss you more than you will ever know.  They may have killed you, but Im the one who died.I lost it all! Am I living or just going through the motions?  But, I do thank God that I have Kev and I still have a child to love and hold and let's not forget that God saw fit in me to give me eight more beautiful children that were suppose to be my nieces and nephews to love, nurture, and guide in this life.  HE still has plans for me.  Kev is growing up to be a man in this life and finding his way.  I must be patient because your death affected him in the worst way.  He is you, Notty. Dad, wears the same grief stricken look in his eyes everyday because his pain is just as great as me and Kevin.  You would be proud of Kev and not to mention your other lil brother Dee! and your favorite cousin Tanya!  They love me and they are good to me and Kev.  I miss holding you and when I do, I just pretend you climbed into mommie's bed and held me until I was sleep.  AI love you my precious baby.

It is Christmas 2010 and I did not post on your wall.  I visited yor grave and cried as I usually do and told you all my woes in life.  It is still hard for me to wake up without you on my mind, Notty.  Not being ungrateful but Christmas just ain't Christmas when you lose those you love so very much. 

This was the first Christmas I woke up and not one of my boys was home with me.  Lil Kevin is growing up (and finally I am letting him, too).  He is into his own thing and I pray it work out for him, too. 

I just woke up and reminised about past Christmas holidays when we were all together as a family.  Especially, Christmas 2005, your last one.  Had I known it will be your last one, I would have given up the money to you!  I made it through the day and kept my pain inside.  I could see the hurt in Dad's eyes.  Nardy called me and talked a long time to me, I guess he was feeling it too.  I am his friend today and I do look out for him.  I thank God I don't hold grudges anymore.  I still haven't accepted the other one, though.  I won't no time soon.  You know I am talking about who you called the Devil!

The sweetest time of this Christmas was hearing from all your boys and your dude-girlfriends, too.  They all call me, especially Ashley Love. Dorrian will always be right here with me, too.  He is always a phone call away. I still can't sit across the table with Ashley to this day.  Simmi never do speak your name, not even say his boi, he is hurting to this day.  I did not hear from Dee, but I love him regardless.  I bring to many memories when Dee look see me, I know that.  Notty, your friends are so good to me to this day and I love them all.  They held me up on some very weak days I went through.  I did not go through anything alone.

I can't tell anybody it is better or getting better because it is not.   I can't stand to hear a person tell me you are in a better place.  If it is a better place then why aren't they there.  I may not be as well as I can be, but I am not where I used to be anymore.  I still can't accept it to this day.  I look at Big Kev and Lil Kev and the hurt and cry inside.  I hate for Dad to drive me to Ultra Foods because he must stop at Oak Hill Cemetary to see you.  After that, he is depressed for the next two days!

I just want you know I thank God for allowing me to stay here and love and guide Lil Kev and Dad.  I pray for forgiveness when I was being hurt and depressed.  That day will come one day when I walk through the door and say Notty, Mommie's home!

I wish we could have seen your only daughter, Ilihn, but we did not.  I still pray to God to guide her mother's heart, mind, and soul.  When that day come for us to see her, it will be by God.  Don't worry, it doesn't hurt like it used to and I pray if she is ever put on her knees, she shall remember the hurt she caused my family.  I already forgiven her and her bitterness, too. 

I miss you my other precious boy!  Please ride with me, walk with me, and hold on to your family as long as we are here and until we all are together again. 

 Me and Leonard went to Holy Angels and were in the same class together until I transferred after 5th grade.  Thinking back, it's funny how we only remember certain people from our childhood and Leonard was one of those for me. I can recall one time he was talking about his little brother and how he sometimes picked him up and had him put his arms out while he twirled him around the house like an airplane.  Hearing stories like that always made me wish I had a little brother...

Or another instance when he brought his nunchucks in for show-and-tell.  He wasn't quite Bruce Lee, but myself and most of the other guys in class thought it was cool nonetheless.  

When I heard about his passing it was truly saddening news.  Though I didn't know Leonard after leaving Holy Angel's, from those early memories I know he truly loved his family and my heart goes out to you all as you mourn.  As a God-fearing man, I pray for his soul and pray that you will meet again someday.  I know I am late with my condolences but I just happened to stumbled across this memorial (which is beautiful I must say) and I could not leave without giving a tribute.

Love and Blessings,

Eddie Young

Just thinking of the times you thought of me on Sweetest Day!  I put your card on the dining room table jus to remind me of the wonderful years.  I am thinking about when I thought you bought your girl a better gift....you know I wasn't hearing that!  I don't believe a day would ever came that I would have accepted you loving anyone but me.  So selfishly, I never planned on you or Kebo marrying any girl.  I really believed I was all you all needed in life.You know Dad thinks this a made up holiday of mine!  I will harass him regardless, and in the end he will buy something for me just to shut me up.  I am going to buy your flowers and take them to Oak Hill and have my monent in time with my firstborn son, Notty.  Keep your arms around Mommie and continue to watch over me with God.  I am holding on to memories, faith, and Kebo!  Thanks for all the wonderful times and love that you left your mommie, Debbie.

HAPPY SWEETEST DAY!

Mommie, Debbie

I had a great time with Kev on my 48th b'day.  He tried to take me to the club to hear DParks, Skittles, and himself perform my favorite song" Gangster Island".  Dee had drama, so that did not work out well.  He tried to take me Pepi's for dinner, but I went back home.  I gave my baby all the kudo's he was due for taking time out for me.  This year I did not spend it crying silently all day about you. 

I visited your gravesite and spruced you up (and Mama, too).  I sat there with Lil Chip and we talked to you about Kev and Dad and laughed a few times.  I wonder what effect your leaving has on Chip.   He knows so much about you, Notty.

Whenever I look at Kev, I see you and I am glad about that.I believe that is why the hurt linger on harder than ever.  I believe the center of my hurt is seeing Kev without you.  You are his idol, motivator, and king of his world and that shall never change.  He moved to another city to go to school and work his job.  I wish him all the luck.  I realize one day he must grow up.  It is about time I get it together myself, inspite of the hurt I live with from day to day.  Mommie misses you, still.  Watchover us, walk with us, and pave the way for us to be together again.

It will always be yesterday in my life.  I wake up everday and thank God I still have Kevin Jr.  I wish I could take all his pain and transfer it to me.  I may never be the Debbie I was but, God has brung me a very long way.  No matter how it works, it hurts a different way everyday. 

Leonard, your baby brother Kevin turned 21 years old!  First of all, I praise the Lord for his living.  It was a day I waited for just to see who Kev will be.  Throughout the whole day, it was all about you. I wanted to say to your brother to enjoy the day without your thoughts;  that wasn't happening.  Other people kept bringing you up time after time.  I was sad but I did not want Kev to see it in me.

I cried all day long because I kept losing focus.  All my concern was "why his brother isn't here to be with him on his 21st b'day".  It was like Kev's prom night, I couldn't enjoy the moment because you were missing from the picture.  He is growing up (taking the scenic route) everyday.  Still to this day, your best friends, Carl and Greg won't leave my side and they are always there to ease my mind and listen to me.

I posted this photo for you to have the best laugh you could have.  The better part of the day was taking pictures with Dad and Kev on Kev's 21st birthday.  You know Dad said something "totally off the wall" and we fell forward and lost all composure!  I had to purchase this  portrait because it was a Kodak Momment!  The photographer snapped the picture just in time!

I was just thinking of you and how it would be if you was still here with your family.  I miss you, I love you, and I will never get better until I let you rest in peace.  No, that is not an option today.

Happy 21st birthday to your only brother, Kevin Jr.

Anniversary day four years.

After fours years of grief.  I took LENARD to my son's gavesite.  It was too much of an emotional moment for me.  My sister, Cynthia and my niece, Tanya came to be with me.  I felt a lot of pain from Nardy that day.  I am trying to let go and forgive things that should not matter today.  At the end of the day, he lost a child, too.  Believe it or not, Nardy made me laugh so hard at the gravesite that day!  He is the funniest dude there will ever be!  I am glad I let go of the resentment and other things I had been holding on to in this life. 

My baby and my other sons put their foot into this song.  Listen and study the lyrics.  This is what I mean when I tell all my boys you've got talent and skills!  HEADZ UP TO ALL OF YOU!

I sit, drive, and walk and play this one over and over again just about everyday!

If Notty was here to see what Lil Kev has done with this piece of work.  I always believe in my boys.  I must admit I am proud of my baby boy!  How many nightrs I looked for this boy and he waould tell me he is working on his music.  This song is so very true about our city.  I say I live in Scary Gary, In. 4640NOOOO!!! zip code.  Listen to the lyrics they are serious.  Kev, one up for you, from your Mommie!  I KNOW YOUR BIG BROTHER NOD G IS PROUD OF YOU!

Don't even ask why Chip wanted to wear a black suit on Easter Sunday!!!! He told me I wear black when people die.  I want to go see Notty today. After picking him up from school, he often ask me to take him to tell Notty something.  That boy is faithful.  Any day he is subject to strike up a conversation about Nod G.  I shall never forget the day he told me that Notty did not die like my Grandaddy Brown, Notty got tired of all of you and left!

Its been four years today, but it seem like it was just yesterday and it's very hard not hearing my phone ring and its you on the other line playing tricks on me or playing dots from 3 in the evening until 3 in the morning oh how i miss u. my heart still aches for you. & i miss and love you until we meet again.

                                                       ♥your favorite aunt Cynthia♥

Hello, this is Ilihn.  Wow! hello Ilihn!  Thank You for letting her call Grandma Debbie and Uncle Kev.  It meant the world to me.  It is amazing that same day Kev and I went out for breakfast and all we talked about was ILIHN.  The night before I shared a minute with Nardy and showed him pictures of ILIHN.  God is good!  Keep me in prayer.

I am just so excited to take Chip and Mo to the dance.

Chip!  We are just going to the dance.  JUST LIKE NOD G

                         I am so fine just like my auntee    

This is Nod's first cousin that he loved as a sister.  She provided all alibi's for him.  I found out he was clubbing through her.  I only could imagine how much she misses him.  She took the dart game off the wall when Nod passed away.  That was the end of that game.  We'll just say last game played.

This got to be the best uncle in the world

Do you remember Lil Kev back in the day?

He gained a few more pounds with Mommy

Doesn't he look like Notty!

My sister surprised me with a party!  Notty and Kev's friends showed me a wonderful time.  Ok, I am bringing sexy back in June 2010.  Watch out boyz!  I look so plump and cute.  I love all of them in a very special way.

Wow!  Chip and Mommy has really grown together!  They love to eat before and after school.

                          Valentine's Day Dance 2009 

This is my dog Taz  Biskit Clark.  He is a pomeranian but he acts like a pit bull.  Biskit chewed Notty's Jordans and his Havana Joe's!  Notty would always yell when he come home GET RID OF THIS DOG.  He really did love Biskit.  After Notty died, Biskit walked out of the room with Notty;s shoe and just dropped it at the door. 

This was oneof  Notty's projects.  How much of Mommy's money went into this car?  His name in engraved on the seats and car mats.  It was the talk of the town as he rode around.  Right before his passing, he said to me "Mommy somebody wheels are bigger than mine" What are you going to do?  That boy  loved that car.  After he passed, his baby brother Kevin took over the cutty.  He rides u[p and down the street in memory of his beloved brother Notty. 

This is Notty and Grandma Sarah.  I never knew why this paicture was taken, now I know why.  Mama really believed Notty was her child and not her grandchild.  No matter what happened , she sided with him. He was the apple of her eye.  Mama passed October 9, 2008, 2 years after Notty.  I really believe she left here due to a grieving heart.  May God bless them both.