Mother, I know a lot of what you went through. I can't seem to get through a day any longer without the chronic, worsening pain that keeps the limbs from working as they should (sometimes, at all), No one seems to understand just how disabling it is; but then I didn't fully understand as it was happening to you. I think maybe this is why we should not judge anyone for nothing is the same for any two people. Although the majority could never understand that or care, our heavenly Father knows all.

I have done everything I can for my child, Mother. I have done my very best to help. But somehow it has never been enough. That one has been manipulated for so long by so many evil intentions because his disabilities were known by all. It was through no fault of his own that he can not understand. That responsibility rests with this county. I know I don't have to tell you this; but it lets me get it out of my system. I am afraid he has went too far this time for the same person who has destroyed him for years, and listening to that person and all the rest involved. He is in a very bad place right now. I can't understand why I have never been able to get any help for him. But I am at the end of ability. I've done my best and I have no choice but to leave God the rest. Please forgive me that I could change nothing. I pray God will spare him as He did before he was born, and many times since that person came into his life. I have no strength left to fight; but God knows all and true justice will be done either in this life or after. I know this.

All of my tiny family needs hope and miracles. There are only the four of us now. I have always been willing to take whatever responsibility I can for him; but I can't give him shelter (beyond 12 days a year) and for eight years I haven't been able to do anything to change things. He listens to his enemies, and I am afraid he has been used so much he will never be the same. That person stole everything we had of monetary value and then burned everything of even greater value to me and his siblings. Still, he kept going back and giving that person everything God gave him. However, God can change it all, if it be His will. I pray it will be so.

As for myself, I have learned to be content in whatsoever state I am in. My Father knows the best for me. I wish there had been a way for me to follow my dreams; but the world seems to want no part of the gifts the Lord gave to me. Maybe He has a better use in mind for me. But I pray for His and your forgiveness for my failures. I love you, Mother.

There are so many memories of this day, There are good ones and then there are some not so good. I knew for a long time that this world would never be the same if there came a day when you were no longer here and I was. These past fifteen years have proven that so many times in so many ways and I still miss your physical presence as if it were yesterday.
I thank God you were no longer here to suffer from the heartache of these last years. I saw what Nancy and Gran went through when we lost Ethel Mae and I know there is no greater loss than that. So I would never have wanted to go before you. I would not have wanted to put you through that even if there have been times when I thought otherwise. I would not have wanted you to see what my children have suffered despite the fact that I tried to minimize it as much as I possibly could.
You lost your entire family except for those grandchildren and me. You even lost Daddy and, yes, Mother, I know he meant a lot to you even though you never told me in words. I saw what it put you through when he was gone. Nothing in life was fair to either of you. Wasn't it enough that you were cheated out of a life together so many years and I was cheated out of having a life with you together simply because of a country who used him and then threw him away like trash?
I do feel that God gave us back a bit of all that was taken away before I lost you both within two years. At least he got to know and love his grandchildren. I really believe you were both happy there for a few years. I am thankful for that. You could not be given back the life stolen from you. But at least you could be given back a special friendship and share in seeing your grandchildren grow up.
I truly believe that our heavenly Father took you on Veterans Day as a statement that He had not forgotten what the two of you went through either. And I choose to remember the happier times we knew. But I have always wondered why I hate this day and love it at the same time, and I think now I can see it more clearly. This day defines the ultimate insult to the two people who brought me into this world. It also defines for me what special people you were and the special blessings you bestowed upon my life.
I remember all the times over the years as I was growing up when I said things I shouldn't about Daddy and the way you always responded with; "He is your Daddy and you will respect him." In my defense I didn't know it wasn't his fault he wasn't there and he couldn't do anything to help us. But I realize how much I must have hurt you when I made comments I knew nothing about. I know you forgave me long ago. But I am sorry I put you through that.
I pray that I can honor you both in some special way before my life ends, as well as the other special ones we love and who love us so much. I believe the Lord has a plan for that. But I must wait and see how and if it works out. I will continue to trust Him as you taught me and pray that I will do His will for me. I thank Him that at the very least you all still remain with me and lend me strength, and I thank you all for your love and sacrifices. That brings peace and hope of being together again.

I know I didn't post on Mother's Day although you were a huge part of it. I actually got to see my son (the one who always felt as much yours as mine) for the first time in two years! It was the best Mother's Day since many years ago because I was with them all for the week and our family felt like it should. He has put on weight and he seems to have gained quite a bit of wisdom. He got my car back on the road while he was here and even came with gifts. But of course the best gift of all was seeing him again because I didn't think I would ever get to. I can tell he has really tried his best and still is. But I really hated to see him leave. I wish there was someway we could be within visiting distance so we could see each other often. After all, there is only the four of us left in this world.
But I won't complain. I just thank God for such a huge blessing. It meant so much to me and we all were together with our memories of you, their dad, Nancy, Gran, Ethel Mae, Mary, Woodrow, Jack, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa and all the rest. So it was a wonderful gift this Mother's Day.
No one knows how much time there is to learn the lessons of the time we are here, and health has not been very kind to us. But I have much to be thankful for. Your granddaughter was lucky enough to get a seasonal job with Walmart during the holidays and she did great! She would probably have tried to get a permanent position; but she was penalized for it just as I always was and she lost much more than she gained from it. At least, she did get the experience before the old car laid down on us. So once again, complaining is not the answer.
I am trying to remember the things you taught me, Mother. I just wish somehow, someway, that they(the children) had a chance to show the world what it is sacrificing by not giving them all a chance to do their best. But I have also learned that God can use everything for good and I am learning to be thankful for all that He has done for us because without Him there is nothing. And I continue to pray that I can make a difference in some way and I seek the greatest gift of all, finding joy within a thankful heart.
I love you, Mother, now and always.  Bobbie Sue 

     Has it truly been thirteen years? Then why is the ache still there? I know some thought we had too great a bond. But I don't believe that is possible between a parent and a child. I know it has been a comfort to me since you passed on that we were as close as we were. It has also been a comfort that your family was the rare type that was always there for each other and others in good times and bad.
    The irony of that is that none felt a need to break the law or hurt another living being. I know that was unique in the times and especially the place. But it was a blessing as well. You did not always agree and none were perfect. There were disagreements and arguments sometimes; but there was always forgiveness and the ability to agree to disagree. These are all things that mean so much to me now. I guess people like us don't fit the modern day pattern. That is made more clear to me all the time. Why is it wrong to live and let live? Why is it wrong to want to be the best one can be and hopefully help in someway to make the world a better place to live in? I don't think it is wrong. But I know some have treated us like something not human because of it. And those are the ones I feel most sad for.
    I really wish everybody out there could have a family like yours. I truly believe it would be a better world. If there was not such discrimination out of jealousy, it would be an easy truth to see. God created every human being with his/her own unique talent and I believe He meant for that talent to be used to the best of each one's abilities for good for Him, for one and one's own, and for others. And until all learn that and to accept and tolerate each other and celebrate the differences, I don't believe it can be the world it could be. But for just a second now and then, I dare to think it is possible.
    I thank God for the family I had. And although you are all gone now (but not in spirit!) and only my children are still here, although I haven't seen the one in over a year. He still calls when he can and he called me today because we remember. I am proud of him for trying and I am proud of the one who is trying to work every day, and the one who is with me everyday. They are doing their best and I thank God for them.
    We all remember. It isn't just bad memories (of when we lost you), it is also good memories. It was a good day because it was our last day with you. And I believe every day, the time is closer when we will all be together again.All things will be in the Lord's own time. Isn't that what you always told me?
   Thank God I had you for a mother! And although I have lost all of you (in physical form), I still thank God for each one of you and for the children He lent to me. I know you are all watching over us.

In My Mother's Eyes 

I am beautiful as I can be,

A princess of high royalty;

It took so long for me to realize

That is true in my mother's eyes.

I am good inside and out

Filled with love there's no doubt;

Laughter will replace my cries

For I am sunshine in my mother's eyes.

There is nothing I can not do

If to God and self I am true;

Fath is forever; it never dies

And it is mine in my mother's eyes.

A wonderful child of love

Sent down from Heaven above;

From the ugly mire I will arise

Because I can in my mother's eyes.

I am a daughter of the Lord

Upon me His love has poured;

Never foolish; but always wise,

I'm all these things in my mother's eyes.

By Bobbie Sue Boise

     Twelve years. Such a long time. Such a short time. But the contradiction is indeed true.  The pain of losing you physically is as fresh today as it was twelve years ago. But the aging, the decline of my health seems to be so much more than twelve years. Perhaps, time is not the reality we would believe.
      There is not a day goes by that I don't realize how much I need you. You gave me hope when I had none. You made me feel better when the whole world was dark and forlorn. You understood me in ways that no one has understood me since you left me behind. I wish I could give this small bit of wisdom to many people that I see taking their mothers for granted. They can't know how lucky they are if their moms are still here with them or how precious the time they have together is. Even I didn't see that as fully as I do now.
    Oh, Mother, you thought you were useless and unneeded at times. You even told me that. How wrong you were! I need you more, not less as time goes by. You brought such richness to my life. So did Mary, Nancy, Gran, Ethel Mae and others. With the holidays coming, I wish I could give the gift of a family like ours to everyone! A gift like that lasts forever. There is only one gift greater than that and that is the Lord's gift to us. I just wish everyone could know a family like mine.
      I find myself thinking that I am useless and unneeded sometimes, too. But I know it isn't true. I know your grandchildren need me just as I need them and as I need you. So I find myself praying for miracles for us all, and for the mercy of God. It's just that my hands are tied so far as doing for my loved ones as I would wish. But I am learning to accept that I need help sometimes. And I cannot refuse them the blessing of doing what they can for me. For it truly is a blessing. The little things mean so much.
      I truly believe that we will all be together again. I don't know when it will be. Only the Father knows. But that is why time is not a true factor. That is what makes the impossible possible. I truly believe that when we are all together again, the difference will be no more pain or mourning, only thankfulness and rejoicing, for there will be no lack and no struggling, for we will all finally be Home with the Father. That truly is something to hope for.
     Until then, I love you and I will be okay because I am in our Father's care.     

During recent events, you have been on my mind a lot.  Billy Jack is now gone, too, in body, as of Oct. 10. It was rough to take since he was the only one other than me left of my generation on your side. But, as with the rest of you, I will hang on to the essence that is never gone and celebrate what I had. I know what a special family I had and I am so thankful for all of you. It's true that he did not keep in touch much any more. But he knew I love him and I know he loved me.  We were like brother and sister. You and his dad were brother and sister, after all, and we were both only children. I know he always respected you right up to the end. You were a strong influence on him all of his life. He never got to visit this site because he didn't get my e-mail in time. No one let me know when he passed. I don't even know how the arrangements were carried out. But it's okay. I choose to remember our family connection and not the fact that we saw things very differently. I don't know why he didn't even give me his address; but I respect his decision. Other than myself and his and my children, he was the last of your bloodline.

Your sister-in-law, Martha passed Oct. 29. I had heard nothing from her in a year, and I contacted her then.  I don't know what the problem was there. But I'm sure she realized that she had listened to and believed some of the wrong people. I still think she had a good heart and I know all too well how rough it must have been for her. She was in her nineties and I guess she had a longer life than most.

I am really trying to make a difference. I just published my second book. This time, I'm not looking at it unrealistically. I just feel so honored that it is in print, especially since this is the one I wrote as a teenager, the one your sister and my aunt Mary thought would be the door to open for me and invested in, though sadly with the wrong person. But it was her dream, too.  That is why I dedicated it to you and to her. I couldn't have done this without your grand-daughter  and it means so much to me. As she and I agreed, it was the one that should be first. Whatever happens, it is a dream come true.

I have also seen some changes in your elder grandson, and they seem to be good ones. I am so hopeful that he is finding his way back to himself, although I know how difficult that can be when you are alone and homeless. I wish I could do more about it; but I can only do what I can and the greatest thing anyone can do is pray. I am thankful that you did not have to see his suffering as I have, and I've had to take a stand with tough love. I hope it has helped to open his eyes. But he is like he once was again in many ways and I am thankful for that, too.

I am doing my best. I know that I have some big shoes to fill because I am the last of our original family. But there is the next generation and who knows the future? I just hope to be a good example. And this is my choice. Not to go back into the past; but to hold on to the good times and memories and celebrate that. I am not alone for all of your essence is always with me and that can make the impossible possible.  A short time or awhile yet before I am on the other side with you, I will try my best. That is what you taught me, Mother. I love you.      Bobbie Sue

Happy birthday, Mother. The years get shorter and shorter and it seems I miss you more each year. Yesterday was Woodrow's birthday and last Sunday was Nancy's. I miss all of you, especially at this time of the year because I remember how we used to celebrate all of your birthdays together. It was never anything fancy; but it was always something special. We had a homemade birthday cake and dinner and we all usually tried to have a hand in the preparation. What a lovely meal we had! It just couldn't be topped. And we all joked about the fact that three out of four siblings had their birthdays so close together although Nancy was the oldest and two years older than Woodrow and  he was four years older than you, and then Mary, who was the youngest, was born in March.

I'm sorry, Mother. I've really tried to carry on for you and be a daughter you could be proud of. I know you always were anyway. You didn't expect anything except that I do my best. But I realize that I didn't realize everything I should have. Your dream was for my children to have the opportunity to be their personal best as well. My dream was the same. But I feel that I have failed because all the trying (and I have tried my best) seems to have been in vain. They are special people; but they have all been cheated out of the lives they deserve and should have had. And I feel that I should have been able to make that better. Still, I realize that my best just didn't seem to be enough to make a real difference. Only God knows where it went wrong.  Still, the world is missing out more than they are because they have so much to offer. And I know they, too, have done their best. That's all anyone can do is their best and leave God the rest. That's what you taught me.  And I hope that will make it right in the end.

It really hurts me that you, too, should have had an easier life, at least toward the end. I know you  didn't expect it; but it was my hope for you. I had hoped to contribute to making a better life for you as well as for my own family. But I guess it wasn't meant to be. And when I lost you, the last one of my original family, I also lost my own life as it once was. Nothing in this world could ever make up for that. Still, I have learned and I have grown through all the tribulation. And I am not alone, for all of you are still a part of me. And love never dies.

I have a friend who always wants to be away when a lost loved one's birthday comes. But I just can't think that way. I prefer to celebrate those days, to celebrate your lives, and be thankful that I had you.  And that is the way I choose to remember. I think that is the way I would want my own special days remembered.

I am weak and I can't counter the enormous forces of darkness in this world. But I can choose the paths I will take as long as I am here. I think that is what you would want me to do. And I love you and wish you a happy birthday today.

I remember her smell. There was no other like it. It was unique. It was hers alone. And it remains in my memory even now, so many years later. The slightest thing can trigger her scent and all the things I remember about her.
There is no way to describe her smell. It wasn't good or bad in that sense. She never wore perfume. She couldn't afford it. She scraped her cents together to try and provide for her child because no one else was there. She was mother and father, teacher and playmate. She had a rough life; but she never complained about that. There were things she did complain about at times. But she never regretted the child she bore although that was unplanned at the time; and she never regretted the love she knew with the father or of marrying him although he had left them alone. How scared she must have been, a naive farm girl with no education or training, nothing to help her to support her child! But she accepted the responsibility and put everything into raising that child the best she could.
I've often wondered how she did it. I've seen her work as hard as a huge, burly man just to survive although she was such a tiny woman, five foot one inch in height and weighing out at one hundred pounds. I've seen her carry huge loads, her size, weight and more. She had never owned an automobile, never even driven one. She walked everywhere except when she would hire someone to take her to town because there were no stores, doctors, or much of anything else in the barren Appalachian mountains she survived in. She had no indoor plumbing or water. For many years she had no electricity or telephone. She got up in the middle of the night and heated rocks in the open fireplace and placed them to her child's freezing feet, then crawled into bed with her, desperately trying to wrap her own body around her as best she could to keep her from freezing enough to get sick. It seldom worked. It seemed the child was always sick.
She was truly a rare human being, as rare as her distinct smell. It was not a sweet smell but neither was it sour. It was quite pleasant, not quite like a flower; but kind to the nose. It was her! And how I loved her! And she loved me just as much. Sometimes, I dream of her smell and feel that she is still here although she has been gone from this world now for eight years and those memories were years before that. I still remember sitting on Mother's lap as she sang to me and her unique smell for I knew there would never be a safer place in this world for me. And I was right.