I haven't even been able to look at pictures of you Bubba, until last night. I laid down because I was so tired and all I wanted was your arms wrapped around me tight. To feel your skin on mine. To breath in your sweet scent. To feel your heart pumping through my body. To hear you say you love me and everything will be ok. I had to settle for a picture of you when we were 17. It was from my high school graduation party. You were so proud of me that day. You had the biggest smile on your face. Remember the day we first met? We were 11 and I asked you to dance, then the next day you asked me to be your girlfriend. We never stopped dancing from that day. The love letters, the first kiss, the misadventures, the first fight, the trouble we caused, the first time we touched, the late nights & early mornings, the first cigarette, drivin fast, the first time i broke your heart, the day you put mine back together again, my initials tattooed on your chest, no secret untold, our first taste of alcohol, camping trips, working on my car,reckless bridge jumping, the first time we were passionate, poems, music, the happiest day of our life (our blessing), laying under the stars, coming out together, the miles you walked to wait on my porch until i got home from school, running through the rain, the day papa died, every tear we shed together, every laugh, boyfriends, girlfriends, our friends, walks on the beach, our toes in the sand, phone calls that lasted hours, living together, illness, saying i love you no matter what, twists of fate that brought me back to you each time i didn't want to be here anymore, the way we were attached at the hip even when far apart, swinging on swings all night long, bars, clubs, moving to ptown as soon as we could, peircings, road trips, watching finding nemo on repeat for days, my intense love for you, your intense love for me, our ups, our downs; fuck Bubba I could go on forever. You are my Bestfriend. You are my first true love. You are apart of my family. You are my everything. Brother, in all honesty there is a hole where my heart should be and I don't know how I'm going to make it without you. No promises made, no promises broken, remember?I'm going to catch that raindrop next to yours as soon as I can. I love you Michael Paul. 18 years and counting...

You and I met through a mutual friend.  I remember the first night I met you, we drank beers and laughed and talked about fixing the worlds problems and the complex nature of the universe.  We talked until the early hours of the morning.  Then we layed down and fell aslep.  You holding me and me in need of that.  We talked at great length about HIV and my new diagnosis.  You knew, without me saying that I needed someone to talk to.  To listen. To be silent with. To cry with. And to hold.  You embodied the positive energy in the universe, while at the same time, fighting your own battles.  After that, your battles became mine and mine became yours.  It seems like I lived at your little apartment forever, but it was a couple weeks.  I only needed to go home to get fresh clothes and since you invited the company, I stayed.  That time was detremental to my well being.  You made me feel somewhat sane again.  Not so broken.  No so dirty and ugly. Thank you for being such a beautiful soul.  You will be forever missed.  I know you are doing whatever it is old souls or Angels do, but I MISS YOU.  Hearing your voice.  Hugging you.  Laughing with you.  Crying with you. I MISS MY FRIEND.  I am forever changed because of you.  Come visit me sometime.  Alaska isn't that far away anymore.  I love you.  Everytime I feel the rain or the sun.....everytime i see the sun rise or set.....everytime i see pretty flowers or a puppy or a kitten...everytime i climb to the top of a mountain, I know you are with me.  Until we meet again, Mika......

I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty, I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you can't look down

If it takes my whole life, I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it, worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you what I know, that I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out you'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a, a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life, I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it, worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you what I know, that I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out you'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind