- 76 years old
- Date of birth: Jul 16, 1938
- Place of birth:
- Date of passing: Jul 1, 2015
- Place of passing:
Birmingham, United Kingdom
|Let the memory of Mohinder be with us forever|
"Hello mum it's only me ,just wanted to say ,I miss you every day ,but it actually doesn't hurt so much anymore .I know why ,at least I think I do .Living in Sydney there are no memories at all ,so there is nothing to jolt my memory .I miss the family ,but they are living their own lives and they are happy .I am a nurse on a cancer ward ,and whilst some people think I am making it hard on myself ,it is actually very healing ,I have a great need to care for sick people ,just like I cared for you ,if I can make them feel better ,I feel as if I am really worthwhile .I love my patients,and even though I am exhausted it has given my life structure and meaning again .I talk about you with ease ,people feel sad for me ,but everyday I see people so much worse off than me ,and that eases my own feelings .I hope you and dad are safe ,remember stay in the light ,that's where the love is .I love you mum ,sleep well .God bless you xxxx"
I have to write to you today ,because it is time to leave to go to Australia ,Sydney this time ,too many memories in Perth,although I do love it there and always will .
Firstly ,I must tell you Alex is doing very well ,he is happy ,passed his driving test and he has a little car ,you would be so proud ,although he never got a chance to drive you to your hospital appointments .
I finally have a great job ,I don't know if I will ever fulfill their expectations of me , but they seem to believe I can ,that's funny I think .
Now ,the real question I have ,remains unanswered , where will I find the peace of mind I crave ? What will be my defining moment ? Will it be this job? I am a cancer specialist nurse ,I need to be in that space and energy so that I can feel what you felt and try to understand ,maybe that will bring the peace I crave .You and dad are at St Marys on the tree of life ,except ,you aren't really here ,to laugh,to cry and offer me money in case I need it , but most of all you are not here for me to love or confide in .
I went to St Martins church today ,I went to light two candles for you and dad and ask for your blessings on this journey .I love my family ,it is so hard to leave them,but I have to find out who I am ,if I am no longer a daughter .
My heart yearns to be free of sadness ,in time maybe it will be .The marigolds I planted have grown again ,they will always be yours and my flower,the smell is you in spirit.
Mum,dad please give me your blessings to be the best I can be ,to be happy ,to be successful and to always do the right thing.Give me the grace and humility to be humble and strong ,to value myself and to have self belief .
I have grieved for you for so long and I will carry on doing so for all of my life ,you took my heart and now I am in a quest to fix it . Send me on my way ,watch over me always ,guide me when I am sad and look after my boy in York please.
I am not selfish doing this mum,I am just lost and need to be found .
Try to understand,I know you will you always did .
It's time to board now mum,I love you xxxxx"
"Happy Birthday mum xxx"
"Mum you used to say, can't you let me have my last two or four breaths in peace, this was when you were cross or annoyed. Today when you took your last breaths I remembered your words and they made me smile! We were all there when you took your last two or four breaths, a single tear fell from your eyes and then your heart stopped, you took your last breath, with it you took our breath away and our hearts were broken. We will never be the same again,but we love you always and forever. Sat Sri Akal mum xxx"
"I remember the day your heart stopped beating and mine carried on."
Yesterday I ran in a race ,10 km to be exact , you would have said that's so far ! When I was young remember I used to run for my school in athletics and when I was going to be late home from school I would tell you I will be going to the playing fields to do training , and you would say , be careful ,and I would go ,with not a care in the world , knowing my mum would be at home just after 6pm depending on traffic,and that dad would go to pick you up from work .
I ran the Great Birmingham Run yesterday ,because now , I have no parents and no real place in the world to anchor me to my roots .Gary and Alex are my roots now , but you were my origins the very essence of my heart from whom I came.
I ran for St Mary's Hospice , I knew that would make you and dad proud , charity was very important to you both,especially dad .I had mum and dad written on my St Mary's Hospice vest so that the world would know my parents died and left me broken hearted .Gary and I both were so emotional at the start of the race because the grief was present there with us like a good friend .The race started and in true Indian style I got to the front and with a lump in my throat and pain in my heart ,I looked behind me and saw all that I had been in my life , I looked forward to all that has been lost and will never be gained again ,and then I look to the present and remember today all that I am because of you both ,my parents .The race started and I ran like I would never run again or breathe again in my life .The people along the road ,all races ,all colours shouting me on and giving me hope ,hope to live .I thought look at me ,my parents suffered so much in death but lived so much in life .As I ran I did a sat Sri akaal to the Bhangra dancers a prayer to the gospel singers and blew a heartfelt kiss to the man holding the sign ,God is love .i touched the hands of little and big children as I ran by , much to their joy and mine .Heartbreak hill approached ,I thought oh my god ,I can't do this , but with all that I am I summoned you both and you by my side ,dad to my left mum to my right ,willing me to carry on ,the wind blew in my face ,and I knew you were both there .Coming through the tunnel and up broad street , I could see the end ,and I thought this is it ,1 km left and mum,I ran and I ran in a very Tom Cruise type style ! But I made it and then saw Gary and burst into tears , because this is the first thing I have completed since you died .I would do it a thousand times again just to remember all that you and dad sacrificed for us .God bless you both .Rest in peace and don't be sad for me ,it's just the love from my heart speaking ,send me on my way with your blessings ,knowing always I am your girl .RIP xxxx"
"Sat-Sri-Akaal Auntyjee - I remember the times you used to greet me with your beautiful smile when I'd call for Surrinder on the way to school. Did you know those delicious salad sandwiches on wholemeal bread you'd make for Surrinder I'd exchange for with my dinner ticket! Leh! Suchi? I guess that's what you are saying. I also recall when you got Surrinder and myself our first (and only!) summer job - cutting threads off garments at the factory you worked at - sorry we embarrassed you with our constant laughing and chattering - you'd try and scold us but the love in your eyes and heart would overcome your intentions and you'd end up laughing instead. You were a great mum - not to just your own children but those of us you knew had lost theirs when we were so young. Auntyjee, thank you for loving me like your own - I was too young and carefree to have even contemplated saying thank you for your love back then but you know what, I never forgot it. May you be at peace in WaheGuruji's embrace Auntyjee. WGJKK WGJKF"
"Hello mum,it's spring time ,and I think of you everyday .We live in Selly Park and I walk past the hospice often ,I hope you are peaceful.
Marigolds , it's that time of year , you would be desperate to get out into your garden by now . You would have started the marigolds by now in your kitchen ,ready for the front garden ,I love marigolds , remind me of you so much .You loved flowers , I wish I could grow you back like a flower . The days don't feel so hard now , but as we approach your one year anniversary my heart does hurt from the loss . I love you mum , I will grow marigolds and hope they are as good as yours .God bless you xxx"
"Hello mum,how are you I would say in Punjabi on the phone , universal greeting from anywhere in the world .We are back home in the UK, you would say ,can't you sit still ,better in Punjabi ! But we are home now , Alex needs us and we need him .It was this time last year I was looking after you , I would do anything to have that time back ,but without you suffering .I would love to be able to colour your hair or think of food you would like to eat , but never mind .I am better now , the pain is a dull ache , memories now make me smile rather than cry, so it's okay .I hope you are okay wherever you are .Your family are good and happy ,there is a big gap that should have you in it , but you can't have every thing in life .Love you mum,God bless and Sat Sri Akal xx"
"Hello mum, today for the first time since you left us I am doing something Indian ,I just couldn't face it until now .I am watching Waris Shah Gurdaas Maan film, I love this film,remember I sent you the DVD from Amazon .I am ready for my life to move on ,needed this distance to accept your passing,to celebrate your life and to firmly secure the place where you will always live ,in my heart and in my head .God bless you mum xxx"
"I just miss you, i pray these moments of grief get better xx"
"Miss you so much."
"Goodnight 2015,nothing can change the fact that mum will not see in the new year .Her life ended completely on July 1st 2015,it seems wrong to celebrate the end of the year and the beginning of a new one , there is nothing new other than there is one less light in the world , my mum.The platitudes that people give you are meant to comfort you , but really they are just empty words having no impact to bring peace or comfort .Happy new year , indeed it might be , mum said happy new year to me Jan 1st 2015 , not knowing it would be her last .The new year will come and keep coming , people will celebrate , laugh ,drink and be full of joy , not really knowing why , but still it's better than being sad .But , as a family we are sad , because mum is no more and won't ever be again .So to all those who have loved and lost the following is for you :
"Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you ""
"Mum died on July 1st at approximately 2.20 pm at Saint Mary's Hospice Birmingham ,her 4 children and their husband and wives were present until the very last tear fell from her eyes.Dont cry for us I thought as the very last breath left her .She always used to say to us when we made her cross ,can't you just let me take my last 2 or 4 breaths in peace , sounds better in Punjabi ! Alas in those last hours of her life we all smiled and cried as we knew that time of the last 2 or 4 breaths had come.Peacefulness is a strange thing ,and whilst she certainly appeared peaceful,she appeared so very sad as she left us .Death is so final ,it would seem .I left quite quickly afterwards with Gary ,pain too much to bear,went home and drank lots of vodka ,listened to Whitney,Mariah,Adele and Tom Jones just to validate and perpetuate the sadness,then caught a taxi too my brothers house and drank some more , nothing takes the pain away .The funeral was nice , simplistic and purposeful.Lillies and roses to mark her final journey , a touch of her forehead and a Sat Sri Kal to send her on her way ."
"I know you loved your garden and the flowers you planted, funnily I love marigolds just as much .Simple pleasures brought us so much comfort.It was great just stopping by your house on a Saturday especially in the summer and you would be out in the garden showing us what had grown and what you were making for lunch . There was so much comfort to be found in you doing this .I often remember you watering the garden with your shalwar rolled up and your feet bare , you looked so happy and then if one of us popped by ,it really made your day .There is no where to go for this comfort now , why is it your house and garden still stands and grows but you are no where to be found , how is that possible .Balraj brought you such good garden gifts , the greenhouse was the best .It was very ritualistic to go down the garden every time we came to the house ,to see what had grown .Children are always in a hurry to leave and live life , and you would say ,you are ready to leave before you even arrive ! I wish I has sat longer, stayed longer ,talked more and not always been in such a hurry .Time went and you went with it .We will go back to the UK and cherish family time and ties and not rush the important moments or just moments.Its too hard without you ,I don't think I will ever be able to eat runner beans again ,they remind me of your garden.it wasn't your time yet ,we were cheated and deceived by death ,because we did not see it waiting at the corner for you .I see you in everything I do , the decisions I make .But how do you continue living a life when so much has been lost ?"
"Death is nothing at all
I have only stepped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other that we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together
Play,smile,think of me ,pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow on it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well"
"So many promises of the things we would do and the places we would visit, the only thing left are tears and memories, surely it wasn't time for you to go yet. Miss you mum everyday. Alex is here in Australia with us, you would be so proud. Love you always xxx"
"Thinking of you from Perth on this the first Christmas morning since you left us. Too hot to wear my T-shaped jumper here today, I promise I would be if in Birmingham! Rest well, God bless."