In two days another year has gone by since I lost my beautiful Mum, robbing me of those years of geting to know her not just as her daughter but also as the people we are.  I know i missed out on some really awesome times as we got to know each other and she quided me on to womanhood.  

I wished so much that she was there through some really tough times and good ones too, she wasnt there for me to share them with her.  No doubt we would of had our less agreeable times too, i even feel robbed of them.

My children Daamon and Rakaia missed out big time too.  She would of made such an awesome Nana, and i would of done anything to have her there with me when they were born, when i needed some advice or a babsitter lol.  My son Daamon used to grieve for her when he was really little as if he had known her a missed the Nana he used to have.  When he was really sick he used to hallucinate and talk to her while she looked over him from the ceiling.  To this day Rakaia seems to have a really strong spiritual connection with her.

I know how hard it has been on my eldest brother (younger than me but older than little brother), Wayne.  I know he thinks of her all the time and misses her like nothing else and I  hope he finds a way to deal with that as he is in Australia this year.  My youngest brother too misses her, it is only natural.  I havent really talked to him a lot about it, which i very sad.         

I used to hear Dad calling her name at night and hear him cry a lot.  He was so awesome while she was dying, right there by her side.  Sometimes I would hear them crying together.  I hated going to do my own things on weekends with friends cause he was left alone until he met Nola.  For all our differences I thank her with all my heart and respect her for being such a good wife for my Dad.

People say it gets better with time but they are wrong.  There has not been a stage in my life or a change in my life or an event that affected me where it would not have been so much better if my Mum was there where she belonged with her children, her family. 

I miss you so much Mum, the hurt and loss feels like it did almost 30 years ago, in fact a lot of the time it hurts more.  You are who is missing in my life, i have no one I can talk to like i know  could of with you.  It is so unfair you are gone when i need you so much, if i could just hug you just once, but it wouldnt be enough. its just not fair Mum, i miss you more than i can say and love you and think of you every day.  You will live on forever in the hearts of me and of your grand children and two great grandchildren!! Yep i am even a Nana!!!  Forever loved Neen, Daamon and Rakaia