I thought it would be easy for me to speak about my father today, after all I loved him very much. However, as this day got closer, I had mixed emotions on how I was feeling about losing my Dad so unexpectedly. Over the years my father, like many of your fathers, has been many things to me. He was a provider, a disciplinarian, a mentor, and he was my pastor. But, what I enjoyed most about our relationship over the years was how it transformed from a father/son relationship to a friendship. Since he died I have struggled to find the words to express just how much he meant to me. Not just for the words to share with others but, for the words I can express to my inner being to comfort me while dealing with this significant loss. A type of numbness has come over me that I cannot quite explain. And as much as I want my life to get back to normal, to get back to my routine there are times it just feels overwhelming. I just don't want to talk about it. I don’t want to feel the pain from the loss, or the random thoughts and emotions that have invaded my daily life. I am always searching for moments of calm.
What I can express to you is what I will miss about my father:
I will miss the way Dad and Mom were together. I will miss the warmth that surrounded us when we visited with them in their home. My parents together were magical. There love for each other was undeniable and radiated to those around them.
I will miss the way he embraced and loved my family.
He loved my wife Karen, she was his daughter, and he was her father. He felt she was a special person and would often remind me.
He loved my children. He looked forward to being a part of their lives. He loved going to theirs games, concerts, graduations, and visiting them. He was always there to give advice or words of wisdom, whether they wanted it or not; or realized they needed it or not. He was so proud of them and look forward to what the future held for them.
I loved that I could call him to brag about their accomplishments or new experiences. A father knows that need to share. He always showed genuine interest. He was engaged and appreciated the details. He would relate it to something he had read because he too wanted to feel connected and appreciated their journey.
I will miss going out for Pizza on Friday nights and ordering the same thing each time. Triple pepperoni pizza was his favorite.
I will miss our talks about sports, politics, religion, and more.
I will miss arguing about sports, politics, religion and more. Although, I do have to admit, sometimes it was worth taking the opposite position just to get him going. He had such passion for his beliefs. He would always reflect on the conversation and if he changed his mind would let you know.
I will miss asking for his help or thoughts on Do-It-Yourself projects. I knew he had read a book on almost everything and I had watched a youtube video on almost everything, so the correct way to do it was somewhere in between. I will miss him saying “why do you ask my opinion when you are just going to do what you want anyways?” I often wondered if he missed point of why I asked him.
I will miss his face. I will miss his smiles, his frowns and his funny expressions that revealed so much about him. I will miss the face he made as I pushed passed him at the door saying “What’s happening Pop?” with him replying "What do you want?”
I will miss us teasing him and him trying so hard not to fall into the trap. I will miss when he had the opportunity to get us back and taking it. And I hate that now that he is gone, I am the target.
I will miss him picking him up to go somewhere, when its 90 plus degrees out, and he is wearing his hat, pants, full length sleeve shirt, and his sport coat! After all he had to a place to put his keys. It was even better if you saw him when he was working in the yard. The only skin visible would be his face. His neighbors’ granddaughters called him “Scary Jim!” .
I will miss the call to Dad on my way to or from work. I will miss the same question every day. “Are you on your way to work? Or, “Are you on your way home?” Although I didn’t realize it then those calls, whether long or short, were a special time for me.
I will miss giving him a big hug and telling him “I love you” even when he made me mad.
So, how do I feel. I can’t get back to normal because now every day starts and ends differently. It will never be the same. I have to recreate my new normal. How do I feel about my dad. I looked up to him. I respected him. I admired him. I trusted him. I loved him. I am sad that he is gone. I feel the loss for me and my family everyday.