Holding On
I remember feeling your life inside me while I carried you for 9 months.
I'm holding on
I remember when you arrived into the world, and once again I marveled at the miracle of birth, and the beginning of a life.
I'm holding on
I remember feeling your warmth as I cradled you in my arms and nursed you for months and months
I'm holding on
I remember you as a little boy, your energy passing through me as I held you on my lap
I'm holding on
I watched with love the special bond that developed between you and your siblings as you grew (your quiet kindness always prevailed)
I'm holding on
I experienced with you, some of lifes frustrations, but mostly it is your accomplishments and calm demeanor I remember
I'm holding on
I admired your creative and inquisitive mind, and your great love of lifelong learning
I'm holding on
I observed regularly your compassion and sensitivity when you interacted with family and friends (you were always the first to hive your Grandma a big hug)
I'm holding on
I thrived on your hugs and kind words
I'm holding on
Memories flash in and out of my mind, pulling me in and out of reality:
Family vacations, and family celebrations
I'm holding on
I remember with pure horror the words of the doctor"there is nothing more we can do"
I'm trying to hold on
I remember with shock and disbelief seeing you for the last time at your funeral, my precious son lying still, with no life
I don't want to hold on
I remember with anguish the last goodbye, feeling your coldness under my fingers and desperately wanting to hold you, to keep you here.
Part of me died, and was buried with you.
I CANT HOLD ON
I remember the outpouring of love, and felt the support of family and friendswhen they came to say goodbye to you, and to help our family survive this nightmare.
I'm barely holding on
I remember leaving you behind at the graveside. How can you be in that box?
I don't want to hold on
I remember sitting in your closet, contents undisturbed, soaking your laundry with my tears.
I'm still trying to hold on
I sit in your room and cling to the memory of the sound of your voice. The silence is now deafening.
I'm holding on
I remember the terrifying darkness each night, and the incredible longing to see you, and when morning finally arrives, you are still not here. I could never have imagined a loss so enormous, or a pain so profound.
I'm holding on
I remember with anger, the unfairness of your death, and you being robbed of a full life, and ask myself over and over again, "why?"
Help me hold on
Despite my loneliness and fear, I will continue to remember, and to hold on to every precious moment of your life. I can no longer hold you in my arms, or see your beautiful blue eyes, or coax an elusive smile from you, but I will cherish and hold your love and warmth in my heart and mind forever. 
I will never let go, you are part of me, as only a child can be. A mother's love is eternal,
Love always my precious Richard❤️‍❤️

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"

Happy birthday in heaven my dear Richard on what should be your 34th birthday. 
As your Mom, these "special" days without you never get easier no matter how much time has passed. I wrack my brain on what to do to commemorate this day in a positive way, but really, I just wish grieving was not a part of this day, and that you were here celebrating it with us, and that you were living your life. No child should ever die before their parent. 
So in the end, I mostly just want to curl up with my memories, and sorrow. 
Tomorrow I will go back to the land of living, and trying to live my life in a way you would be proud of. 
But today, I will cry, and wish this was not my reality. Today is not for strength, or finding a light in the darkness. Today is for my grief, the grief of a Mom whose child does not walk with her on this earth. 

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"

Love Mom

Today is the 11 anniversary of the worst day of my life. Sometimes it feels like the blink of an eye, sometimes it feels like an eternity. Life marches on with its joys, sorrows, and mostly mundane tasks. But for me even the most joyous occasions are tinged with loss, and the celebratory times are the most poignant. There is always the "symbolic" empty chair around our table where Richard should be sitting, eating and laughing with us. Today will be different than past Jan 2nds. Usually I keep this day sacred. I expect nothing of myself. I retreat, and cry and grieve and remember and honor Richard. Today I write this letter, and visit his grave, but I also need to work at "Richard's house" to prepare it for our new tenants. (Our Ukrainian family). Perhaps doing this work for others will be therapeutic, and if tears flow I will still be alone with my grief so no need to hide them. I miss you every day Richard, and I shed tears most days. (I wonder what 11 years of daily tears woukd look like if collected?)
Carrying you and your legacy forward has become my task alone to carry, but perhaps that is how it should be. I carried you for 9 months prior to your birth, and now I will carry you in my heart until it too stops beating. 
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be"

Dear Richard,
If you were still here with us, today would be your 33rd birthday. How different my life would be without this constant ache, this immense emptiness that can never be filled. I can't even imagine the world where your light still shined. (I wish I could). I know full well how tiny shifts in our actions, words, and even thoughts can create changes in the cosmic. So a cataclysmic event as was your tragic untimely death created change in epic proportions in my life and others. Many days I can "find the good", "be the change", "give back", or at least "cause no harm"
Today is hard. I tried to plan a day to honor you, to honor my grief, to drop all expectations of others, and to just find some peace. 
It didn't go too well this morning. I felt conflict, anger and disappointment in myself and others. But this afternoon I ended up in a comfy chair at the library, and I can now feel some of the peace I was seeking. I'm surrounded by books, with nothing in front if me but an afternoon to read, write, and reflect. 
David reached out with chocolate chip cookies, an offer of dinner at the Olive Garden, and words of love. 
I'm so grateful for him. I know he misses you too. You were his best friend. 
Thankyou for guiding me to this peaceful quiet corner of the world today son, for helping me find a sense of calm, and acceptance. I have written this letter, shared the testicular cancer video, and donated to your Endowment fund, so I guess I have in the end, "found the good", "be the change", and "give back" parts of the day. Here is hoping I can continue to channel your kind nature throughout the rest of the day towards myself and others.
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be",
Love Mom

Dear Richard,
Time has found a way of simultaneously reminding me of how long you have been gone (10 years today), and how quickly it has passed me by in so many ways.
The narrative arc of my grief story is a circle. Time and again I find myself back at the begining (especially on these difficult anniversaries). This is not my failure to accept reality, or complete the grief process, because "complete" and "grief process" do not belong in the same sentence. I think there will always be times when I feel like an amateur griever (clumsy, awkward, and not knowing how to function here in the land of the living). Grief never ends, and that is okay, because my love for you will never end. And those days that I can't rise to meet the day are a testament to the strength of that love.
"Ill love you forever, Ill like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be,
Love Mom

My dear Richard ,
Today you would have been 32 years old.  It has been almost a decade since I last hugged you. How can that be when I still feel your presence here every day?
I've read that child loss, a mother's loss of her child is the most profound, deepest grief there is. I have no doubt about that. I miss you to the depths of my soul. The tears I have cried would fill an ocean. Maybe that is why grief is compared to waves that sometimes lap at your feet, and other times knock you down and threaten to drown you.
How I wish you were here to celebrate today, but mostly I wish you were here living your life, whatever that life would have been. You were just on the cusp of your adulthood. And you had so many milestones to reach.
Today our family will eat pizza, and ice cream (2 of your favorites), I will "try" to work on a puzzle (LOL, I have no puzzle skills, unlike you!)
and perhaps we will have a friendly game of Wii bowling. We will tell a Richard story or two, and We will miss you.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be
Love,
Mom

Dear Richard,
You left this world 9 years ago today. In some ways it feels like yesterday. The trauma and pain can reappear in an instant when I remember the details of that awful day. 
In other ways it feels like a lifetime has passed. There are so many experiences you have missed, so many things you didn't have a chance to do.
Life seems so unfair, and the grief of a mother for her lost child is a lifelong reality.
I wish I could hug you son. I wish we could have a chat. I wish I could know you as a man in your 30s rather than frozen in time at 22. 
I carry on as best as I can. I feel gratitude for my blessings (especially dear Payton, who seems to have some of your traits and mannerisms)
But the reality is, that the joy I feel in this world is always colored slightly grey because you are not here to bring out the full beauty of each moment. You are the missing piece in the puzzle that is my life. 
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living , my baby you'll be.
Mom

Happy Heavenly Birthday Richard.

I was busy today working along side your big brother, wondering if you would have been helping had you not been taken away from us 9 years ago. You might have not a man of brute strength, but your heart and spirit was there to help wherever needed so I'm sure you would have been at our side.

I wish I had the talent your mom has in expressing her thoughts and feelings. I'm the quiet parent just as you were the most silent child. My insides ache not being having you hear to celebrate your 31st, to have mom cook you your favourite meal and to sing Happy Birthday to your grimacing face.

I miss you so much and which I could hug you today my dear boy. Love Dad.

Today should be your 31 birthday Richard. Instead you are always 22. I miss you each and every day, and although time has softened my grief, a Mother's grief will never truly diminish no matter how much time has passed. What has happened is; I have learned to allow joy and gratitude to live in my heart beside my grief. I have taken my overwhelming pain and used it to feel greater compassion for others, to give reach out to those who are hurting, to be grateful for every blessing in my life, and to let people whom I love know how much they mean to me. 
This has been your gift to me Richard.
And I pray that you know.
And I pray that you still feel my love.
And I pray that someday I will give you a hug that will make up for all the years of missed hugs.
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be
Happy birthday in heaven,
Love Mom

Dear Richard,
Another year... of missing you, aching for you, longing for you.
Another year...that won't be filled with your blue eyes and your unique Richard smile.
Another year...of wanting to live in a way that will make you proud, to show the world you were here, to carry on your legacy, to prove to the world you will always be my son, and that your life matters.
Another year...of living more lovingly, inspired by a boy who stole my heart when he was born, and took a piece of it when he left.
Another year...in the "after" where my life is defined by love and purpose.
Because I have lost you Richard my heart is broken open, but all the more open to give and receive love.
Thankyou Richard for the memories, the love, and the lessons you teach me every day.
Love Mom
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"

Richard, you came into our lives 30 years ago this morning. Oh, how much I want to be giving you this happy birthday wish in person....

Birthday celebrations have become such an important family tradition and your sister is carrying on that tradition with your niece Payton. I think its because our family cherishes so much those around us and how grateful we are that they were born into this world. It's so especially hard for me this time of year nor having your near to celebrate this day with you.

I want you to know that you are often in my thoughts. I'm a lot like you (or you were a lot like me, I'm not sure which is the right way to say that). We are both quiet people, we don't say much, we don't wear our hearts on our sleeves. But we have big hearts inside of us. I saw that every time you reached out and hugged someone you loved. I miss you immensely and want you to know I will always love you and never forget you.

Your Dad..

Dear Richard,
7 years ago today you left this earth, it feels like an eternity since I have experienced your tangible self. (Your hugs, your voice, and your quiet, kind, calm presence) And even as joy has begun to slowly return to my life, still I miss you each and every day. There will ALWAYS be a Richard sized hole in my heart. In many ways I fear the passing of time, as it brings me farther away from when you were here. 
The death of a child is is such a profound loss, it changes a parent forever. We don't "get over it"
We just learn to live with a deep and endless longing for what can never be. 
I love you son, an enduring, never ending, all encompassing love. In short, a Mother's love. 
I am grateful for the lessons you continue to teach me every day. (What is important, how to live my life, and to strive always to become the best "me" I can be). 
I carry you forward with me in this life, and I pray that we will be united again someday.
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be"
Mom

Today we should be celebrating your 29th birthday. Instead I try to think of something to say, that isn't just the pain and the longing I feel. I try to think of something meaningful to do, to honor you, and to make a positive difference in someone's life, and I do have some ideas. But in the end, all I really want, is to have you here to eat your favorite foods, to blow out 29 candles and to give you a birthday hug. 
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
Richard Kevin Latte.

We arrive here dazed, confused and disbelieving.
We all think we may, or even want to die.
But we really only want to be with our kids again.
We are bereaved parents.
I never wanted to create a memorial page for a child.
That you have predeceased me is unthinkable.
And yet here I am, 6 years since you left this earth. 
You were 22 with your whole life ahead of you.
I'm left with childhood memories of you, but no future.
This never gets easier. I miss you each and every day, and that will never change.
My love for you will never waiver.
I cling to the hope that I will one day see you again, when my time comes to leave.
And when that day comes, I will hug you with all my might, and I will never want to let you go again.
Love, Mom

Dear Richard,
Today you should be turning 28 years old, but instead you will be forever 22. On Sunday we had your birthday "celebration" We wrote messages to you at the cemetery, and we ate your favorites for supper (pasta, breadsticks, cookies and icecream). And we played a board game you liked. Always these rituals to bring you forward with us because you cant be here to make new memories. This broken heart of mine will never mend, but as the years pass the pain is a little softer and your legacy of love continues on through your family, your scholarship and of course "Richard's Reading Room"
We will have a 5 year anniversary of this space soon, and you will be remembered, honored and ALWAYS LOVED.
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be"
Mom

How I wish you were here. It's that simple today. Tomorrow I will get up, keep going and continue to share your legacy of love with our family, friends and the community, but today is just for missing you. I will be your Mom for eternity, I will miss you until we are reunited. I hope you are proud of how I am trying to honor your life by helping others. Thanks for the dream visit last night, I woke this morning feeling a sense of peace and calm. I wish you were here making new memories with our family, but I am forever grateful for the memories I have, and that you chose me to be your Mom.

Remembering my wonderful, gentle and caring son. We miss you so much and wish you were here to see our family grow and experience new joys and memories. It's so heart warming to hear Payton speak your name and recognize your face as she does her other uncles. Richard, I will always love you and remember you!!

Dad

Richard you are blessed for the parents you have. They truly love you, there is no love like the one you get there. I hope with everything I have that you are so happy and well and doing everything you ever wanted and could have wanted to ever do. Anyone who would ever stumble upon this memorial would love you too, because no one even seemed to perhaps notice such a gentle person who wanted to just experience his life. Let me just say that you are loved from the hearts and minds of many, I know it. Your parents perhaps are hurting at times, but you live forever in their hearts. And now mine. <3

Richard Kevin Latte. He lived a quiet life, and while he may not have been loved widely, he is loved DEEPLY! I am "Richard's Mom" I love him to the moon and back, and even if in time, my voice is the only one left who speaks his name aloud, I will never fall silent.  As long as I live, Richard's name will be on my lips, and in my heart.

Dear Richard, I miss you so very much. Like you, I am a man of few words and not much emotion so I often have a hard time expressing my feelings. Your mom is able express her thoughts in such wonderful ways....when I read them I feel she is expressing mine as well. I see her love for others as an extension of your tenderness and compassion.

Your siblings have built such wonderful bonds, I believe your spirit is the glue that holds it together.  They all miss you very much too.

Love Dad.

In the Autumn of 1989 I was given a son. he was perfect, a combination of his Dad and I. He had Brian's gentle, kind nature, his mathematical intellect, and he was creative, sensitive and loved to read like me. I gave birth to him at home surrounded by the love of his family. I held him in my arms and welcomed him to the world. I watched him grow, learn and love for 22 years, then I had to let him go...I held him (as best I could despite the wires and tubes). I told him how much I loved him. he left us the same way he arrived, surrounded by the love of his family. Today Richard Kevin Latte should be turning 26 years old. Our family will gather and honor his memory. I miss him today and every day. My life continues, but I will never stop longing for what we were together.

Our love to you and your family, Cheryl <3


Karen, Rene, Charlotte and Sarah

January 2/ 2015
Dear Richard,
This is a letter no Mom should ever have to write. You have been gone now for 3 years. At times it feels like no longer than a moment, and other times it feels like an eternity. Sometime when I think about living the rest of my life without you it feels like I won’t be able to do it. Three years has been sooo long. What will 30 years feel like? I am so afraid of forgetting. I am already forgetting your voice, your touch, your presence. How hard this is. The pain is indescribable.
You should be 24 years old, but instead you are forever 22. Your siblings will become middle-aged adults with wrinkles, wisdom and regrets. You will be forever etched in our minds as a 22 year old young adult who had your whole life ahead of you. The hardest thing for me to think about is all of the missed milestones. There are so many things you should have accomplished and experienced, even in these last 3 years, and the list will only get longer.
• Finishing your schooling
• Starting your career
• Living independently
• Developing new relationships
• The possibilities of your own family
• Home ownership
• Maturing and figuring out what type of life you want to live
• Pursuing your interests and working toward goals
• Becoming an uncle
• Changes in the world
• Changes in our family
These are just a few of the milestones you should have seen in your lifetime. Life would not always have been easy, but it was yours to live, and I feel you were cheated of the opportunity. 
I am learning to live again and no longer wish to die as I did in the beginning. (I would never have taken my life; I just did not want to live with the kind of pain I experienced in that first year or so). I have grown spiritually too and I (most of the time) believe that you go on in spirit and that Love is eternal, and that we will be reunited. I love the signs you send me to let me know you are still here watching over us. I just get greedy sometimes, wanting more and more. But I guess short of you walking through the front door in the flesh, nothing will ever be enough. That is my challenge in life now: to learn how to live joyfully despite my grief, to have faith that you are happy where you are, and that you continue to love us, and that we will never be parted. (Some days are harder than others though, that is for sure).
2014 is over, 2015 is about to begin, and with it will come joy, happiness, discoveries, growth,new experiences, new challenges, tough days, and great days. Through it all though, nothing will ever be the same. There will always be that missing piece, (The piece that should be you). Everything is different since you are gone. I am different. I am no longer whole. I am no longer naïve. I know that bad things can and do happen. I miss you every moment of every day, Richard. Everything I do is colored by the loss of you. But I would never have given up the time with you, the love of you, the experience of you for anything. I only wish I would have known then, how precious every moment is, and how tenuous is our life. Till we meet again sweet son. “ I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always as long as I living, my baby you’ll be” (actually, beyond this life).
Love,
Mom

Richard,today is the day which should have been your 25th birthday... I cry for what should have been. I miss you with every ounce of my being. Losing a child is unthinkable, unimaginable, unbearable. But you are forever in my heart, you are never forgotten. We will honor you today and celebrate our memories of you. We will eat pasta. We will send you messages of love in the wind. We will play Settlers. AND I will READ! and throughout it all we will remember your smile, and your quiet, gentle ways. "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be". lovingly, your Mom

Celebrating today the day you came into our lives...Thinking about you, missing you. 22 for always!!

Love Dad

There are so many fond memories that lie in the corners of my mind. It would not due justice to leave only one, two, twenty or a hundred. The memories advance and recede like the ocean tides and with each one comes a tear reminding me how much I miss him....

- Our one and only ski trip to the Edmonton Ski Club (poor guy wound up with a broken leg).
- The careless haircut I gave him when he was about six.
- The fun he had with the family during out California trip in 1997.
- The proud look he ad on his face when he graduated high school.

I have many more to share and I will continue to do so.

I remember how animated Richard became when he showed the girls and I his pet rat, and how he spoke with such fondness about it. It was a rare glimpse for us into his true nature. Our sympathies to you Cheryl, Brian, Chris, Rob, David, and Katie on this 2nd anniversary and always.

Some say we are here to learn how to love. Richard has taught me more about love and what is important than I could have learned in a hundred lifetimes. Those who have lost children experience the ferocity of what it means to love. the ever-present depth of love,the whole of it. We can say with certainty "I would choose this child again and again... whatever the outcome"

I miss you today and everyday

"SPEAK THEIR NAME"
Someone I love has gone away
And life is not the same
The greatest gift that you can give
Is just to speak their name

I need to hear the stories
And the tales of days gone past
I need for you to understand
These memories must last

We cannot make more memories
Since they're no longer here
So when you speak of them to me
It's music to my ear

Honest, respectful, gentle...