There are actually two very distinct things this song immediately means to me when i hear it. One is its reflection of my heart and life as Robbies father and the other is from Robbies own heart and what has happened to him.
The Song Seen From My Heart and Life
The lyrics read
I'm setting the stage for the things I love
And I'm now the man I once couldn't be
Nothing on earth could now ever move me
I now have the will and the strength a man needs
My perspective) In my life there was a point where after i had finally really made Christ the head of my life and then after I met and married my wife, that I realized I was setting the stage for the things that i loved. A great friend, brother and the man who led me to Christ, Mark Minnix, once asked me when I was confused to what God wanted me to do with my life, "what does the depth of your heart want?" I realized then God wasnt needing me to change the world in some spectacular way but more so wanted me to live life, love others and love him. It was simple. I longed in my heart to one day marry a woman who loved God, have children who I could love and them love me and live life in midst of Gods purposes as they unfolded. That is exactly what happened. God blessed me in many ways yet life has also been riddled with much pain.
I knew I was then the man that once before I could have never been without Gods love and merciful grace on my life and invading my heart, slowly constantly changing my life while He practiced forgivness constantly towards me.
I reached a point with my relationship with God where I knew Nothing on earth could now ever move me as I had experienced too much of Gods love, seen too many miracles and wittnessed his blessings to ever go backwards in my faith to Him. i knew I had the will and the strength a man needs.
The songs chorus sings
It's my will, and I'm not moving
Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise You
I now have the will to praise my God
My perspective)
The strength God had built in me over my life I knew was for a purpose but only time would tell how all of how He would use it. My determination and hearts convinced was that It's my will, and I'm not moving and that Because it's Your will, then nothing can shake me. I knew this in my heart I felt I had this strength in me. I knew I had that strength in me. Time was going to tell but I would never of expected how. God used my wife and I in teaching ministry at various churches in our lives and for several years we taught on marriage seeking to comfort married couples from and with the comfort we had received from coming out of our own rough areas. I knew from a very young age my daughter had a strong annointing the Lord promised much about and we saw it manefest in her from a very young age. We saw the same thing in a different way with Robbie. I knew Robbie was learning life from me. It was more then that it was life lived, it was all that God had showed me, any wisdom any and everything I had become was what was being imparted to Robbie. To say that my son was all the best parts of me without the failures is to state it lightly.
It's was my will, to bow and praise Him
I had the will to praise my God
I think I tell the story of a prophecy we received once from a man we had never met and knew nothing of us. I was puposed to impart the mantle of what i had learned from God. His annointing on me was to be given to my son as the prophet used Elijah and Elisha as a example. Whatever I had was to be directly passed to Robbie and in him it would become magnified. Never in a million years would we have considered it would be only into his 16th year that it would be used.
Now the song switches voices from a different singer
and the lyrics continue.
( i see the different singer being relative to a different time of life coming upon me and a different way of seeing things, a trial such as i have never known)
Complexity haunts me for I am two men
Entrenched in a battle that I'll never win
My discipline fails me, my knowledge it fools me
But You are my shelter, all the strength that I need
My perspective)
After the day that changed my life forever. The day my memory wants to flash back to that was truly the saddest day of my life I find that that Complexity haunts me for I am two men as I struggle in understanding what i thought I knew about God and healing and how I have felt at times betrayed by my Lord for not healing my son and letting all of us go through such undescribable pain. I often feel like two different men Entrenched in a battle that I'll never win as I want to demand to know WHY and where is the Gode I have so pledged my life to and why has my family been so ripped from me ?
My discipline fails me, my knowledge it fools me I have no more strength inside myself to go on. So much of what i thought I knew I now know there is more to it then i realized. That I see through a glass dimly.
In the midst of this horror and all the questions. In the midst of the pain and the weeping to a point where my face is distorted and the heart feels truly broken, I know that He is my shelter, all the strength that I need
The songs chorus repeats
The songs lyrics continues
I'm learning to give up the rights to myself
The bits and the pieces I've gathered as wealth
They're nothing compared to the joy that You bring me
The peace that You show me is the strength that I need
My perspective)
Its been a year now and his mother and I miss him the same. Nothing has really gotten easier but we are learning to give up the rights to ourselves as we so so deeply depend on God in the midst of our pain. As we do I have noticed we simply no longer care about the same things we once did. We are learning not only that we desire nothing in life anymore but God but that Robbie was never ours in the first place, he was Gods. Giving up the right of oneself starts by understanding and whole heartedly believing that. We are not our own yet I honestly believe most of the church today somehow has God as the editor not the author of our lives. The bits and the pieces of our lives that we've gathered as weealth are nothing compared to the joy that God brings me. I no longer care if I francise the business. We no longer care what the world has to provide
The peace that He shows me is the strength that I need. Nothing else. Nothing else ultimately matters then our lives being lived in His presence. Yes God is with us here but the bible is very clear this is not our home and Jesus went ahead to prepare a place for us to be so where He is we can be with Him. That is what matters. Thats where I know Im going and Thats where God has given me a peace that surpasses understanding. I am not saying my grief is gone or will ever be gone. Robbie mother, sister and I will always miss him daily. Every day for the rest of our lives there will be a thought of what could of been yet Gods promise overshadows that. It overpowers and trumps it. Hoplessness is NOT part of our lives, on the contrary hope knowing we will see our son again is part of our lives In that peace, in that fact is where God shows me the strength that I need.
My wife and I see life differently now. We view the rest of our life as a journey we must take to one day get to our home. We are not sure how long it will take or what we will encounter along the way but one thing WE KNOW is we as a family will all end up together again one day. A glorious day where we will be where Jesus lives and where God has His thrown. Where He has prepared a life so wonderful that our ears eyes or mind has not been able to comprehend it.
Until that day comes we've got to be children of peace.
The Chorus repeats
It's my will, and I'm not moving
Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise You
I now have the will to praise my God
This is now my life. Full of pain but not without Gods presence. Full of dread of learning how to live life without my Robbie but not without the assurance i will see him again.
I hear this song and my life is sang out
Below I will share how i also hear this song through my sons heart as i knew it so well.