On 8 April, every year, my husband and I celebrate Roin and Wiin's birthday/angelversary.  Always something special is done in their memory...to help us create memories we missed out on, to give us something to remember them by and pass their memory on.  These are some memories from previous birthdays...

8 April 2007...Roin and Wiin's first birthday.  It was Easter.  In our grief, we chose to skip the family celebrations and do our own quiet Easter at our home.  We bought a few Easter Eggs to hide and hunt for in their memory and purchased a stuffed animal for their gift.  A laughing turtle.  When it was "tickled" it'd laugh...filling our home with the laughter we were missing out on.  We shot off a model rocket containing notes to them on the wadding that burned up in space.

8 April 2008...2nd birthday.   Made a day of shooting off rockets.  Celebrated with a birthday cake and little gifts for each of them.  Also went to get a tattoo of their footprints on the top of my left foot.  So incredibly tiny...but what an impact those tiny toes made!

8 April 2009...Just completed a move in the valley.  Spent the day unpacking, but set up a beautiful memorial out on our front porch complete with candles and balloons and a lighted birthday gift.  Made an oreo-cookie pudding cake and requested close family and friends to light a candle in their memory at 7 pm and send us the pictures for a collage.  It was a quiet and gentle 3rd birthday

8 April 2010...Our boys' 4th Birthday was spent in a darker area of our hearts.  The lullaby my Dad used to sing to me replayed over and over in my head.  I knew that I'd never get that chance to sing to my boys.  A day spent in longing...aching, empty arms, our grief was intensified.  Lit candles and did a balloon release.  Again, purchased small gifts...but that just added to our despair as the realization hit that they'd never be opened or played with.

8 April 2011.  Roin and Wiin turn 5.  5 years since we had to say goodbye.  We made a whole day out of their celebration.  Went to dinner and a movie and dessert afterwards.  Requested our closest friends to take a picture on their birthday of something beautiful, something that blessed their lives and created a beautiful blessings collage.  We were surrounded and embraced and lifted up all day long.  Our boys were being shared and remembered and loved.  It was a very happy day!

 

It took many months to recover from their loss.  I'd received poor medical care and nearly died twice.  I was too weak to do anything on my own and relied fully on my husband.  When I'd finally "come to" I was hit with a fresh wave of grief.  I was all too aware that I did not have life inside of me anymore.  That I'd never hear first cries, see first smiles, hear first words, feel first hugs...I realized suddenly that it wasn't just their lives that were lost that day, but the life my husband and I had prepared for, dreamed about was lost as well.  The nursery would be empty, the outfits never worn, the blankets and paci's and bottles and diapers never used...our arms empty and aching.  The heaviest burden to bear is that of empty arms...

I was frantic...I HAD to have something in memory of them.  Had to do something to make them remembered.  Searching eBay I came across a sculptor by the name of Jenn Stocks.  I contacted her about doing a custom sculpted piece for me.  It was agreed upon and before I knew it I had a box on my doorstep.  The sculpt was beautiful...but lacking.  This was not her fault...it was purely and simply the fact that I had not been the one to capture their memory.  Jenn became a dear friend and it was she who encouraged me to try my own hand at Creating for them to help cope with my grief.  It is then that I picked up a piece of childrens oil based clay and gave sculpting a try.  

Months later, my parents came to visit and my dad saw the head I'd created, saw potential, and then purchased all my necessary tools for sculpting.  5 years later  I've completed well over 100 babies and have fooled many people with their realism.   Each sculpt brings me comfort, allows me to express my grief constructively...and holds a tiny piece of hope.  

At 15 weeks, our worst fears came true.  Our second baby's heart could not handle the stress and gave out.  I began to bleed.  On April 8th, while trying to take it easy at home I became violently ill.  My temperature began to rise, I was throwing up, and the blood loss was unimaginable.  When I could no longer stand the pain, much less stand on my own...911 was called.  It is an extremely eery feeling hearing sirens getting closer and closer and knowing they were coming for you.  At the hospital a tiny and perfect baby boy was born...only he didn't move.  He was dead.  I was rushed into ultrasound in hopes that our first baby would still be safe, that something could be done to save him...stop the bleeding.  However, our grief turned into utter devestation when the tech muttered "IT's dead".  Our second baby had been demoted to an "IT" and our first baby...the one we'd hoped to save...had been born first.  

Just moments after this news, our second special little boy came into the world, still and silent.  Briefly they were cradled together in my hands, tiny foot prints taken...and all together too soon, they were taken away.  

Having nothing left to stick around for, medications given and instructions to rest...I was sent home with only grief and emptiness and footprints.   

The early pregnancy was progressing well.  The symptoms and morning sickness wasn't terrible.  I did throw up at work when the cook made fish for lunch...ugh!  The stink still makes me gag! And I did have a pregnancy craving...reduced fat cheez-its with melted semi-sweet chocolate chips sandwhiched in between...salty and sweet.  And of course some foods disgusted me...but over all it was fairly easy.  I just remember being so happy and feeling so blessed.  Every night their daddy would kiss my belly and tell them that he loved them and say his goodnights.  

At ten weeks we found out that our second baby wasn't quite growing correctly.  A follow up confirmed "problems".  Our second baby would be born with Down's Syndrome.  Despite what we were told...we wanted and loved and cherished anyways.  This baby was OURS and we were PROUD.  

Due to this new information we began doing as much research as possible to prepare ourselves.  During this time I also decided to quit my job to keep my stress level down as much as possible...best for our special little twin...best for both babies.  

We had decided it best to "keep quiet" about this pregnancy until further along, but we did tell a few choice people...a handful of friends.  However, none of them knew anything further than the fact that I was pregnant.  This is a decision that I still regret to this day.

Roin and Wiin were not planned...but that never diminished the love we had for them.  Having only gotten married in August 2005 and being so young, children were not on our list of things to do right away.  We had college to finish and work to do and we were still settling in as a married couple.  We were taking preventative measures so we were beyond shocked when I was late.  And even more startled to have it all be confirmed.  But the shock quickly wore off as excitement and joy flooded our home and our beings.  Young or not, just married or not...we were going to be parents and it was all so exciting!