- 47 years old
- Date of birth: May 7, 1962
- Date of passing: Jan 2, 2010
|Let the memory of Ronnie be with us forever|
I can't believe it's been two months since I talked to you. I miss you so much! Well, I did it again Ronnie, I hurt your sister without ever meaning to do so. I don't know what's wrong with me but I seem to have the uncanny ability to hurt someone when I'm trying to do something nice for them. Would you believe I actually made Robbie cry? I don't even know what happened, I've been crying tor two days and I can't even think. All I know is Robbie was happy one day and then the next day she was mad and was crying. I bought her a combination birthday and Christmas present for her sewing machine. I wanted to surprise her and just have it delivered to her house but then I ended up telling her that I bought it and she seemed happy. I was thrilled that I could finally do something to make her happy. It's been so long since I could do anything for her. She's been making me beautiful things Ronnie. If you thought she could bake, you should she the embroidery work she does. It's unbelievable!! Anyway, there was one part that she wanted that didn't go with this kit that I bought her and when I saw it on Ebay in an auction I made a bid on it. It was the lowest one I could make and my maximum bid was only a dollar more. I sent her an email telling her I found It on Ebay and I had bid on it. That's when everything started to fall apart. She wrote back to me that she was crying and to withdraw my bid. I couldn't do that so I wrote back to tell her I was sorry, that I didn't want her to get upset. That was it, she never wrote back and all I did was get her so upset that she started to cry. I would do anything if I could make her happy again but I don't think that's going to happen. I guess I overstepped my bounds this time. So what I meant to do and what I did are two different things. I am sick to my stomach and I have been crying non stop since last night.
I'll be okay Ronnie but could you please just say a little prayer that I can stop crying and maybe Robbie will forgive me some day? Thanks honey and if I don't get a chance to talk to you before Thanksgiving, have a wonderful Thanksgiving in Heaven and please tell Nana and Pop that I love them. I'll talk to you soon.
Today is International Suicide Awareness Day which honors suicide victims all over the world. Everyone is asked to light a candle at 8:00PM in their own time zone. Just think about that Ronnie. People all over the world are lighting a candle tonight to honor you. I started an online group a couple of years after you died and I have a member from London and one from New Zealand. The people in this group are wonderful and even though I've never met them they are always just a click away with all the love and help you could imagine. I'm so grateful for these facebook friends and for the fact that I had the idea to start this group. Not only is it a help to me but it's a tribute to you. I think I'm going to send an email to your sister and let her know about tonight. She would like that. You have a wonderful night in Heaven Ronnie and I hope you can see all the candles. It must be beautiful to see it from Heaven. I love you son.
I got a call the other day that the air-conditioning went on the condo. The whole thing inside and out. I was sick cause it was close to $4,000.00 to get it fixed. I was praying all day. Then I decided to get another estimate from another company that had a 5 star rating. It worked out great. This company had 30 months interest free financing and I got a much better unit for the price. It still comes to $108.00 a month, but I'll handle it somehow. I hope you're doing good in Heaven sweetie. I know you're not happy that I don't see the girls but they think their mother was right and did nothing wrong and I just can't handle that. I'm sorry Ronnie but I really can't. Every time I think of Jill I get sick. I never want to see her again or hear anyone speak her name again. I'll write again soon. I love you very much.
"Happy Left Handed Day Ronnie. I guess this is a new holiday cause this is the first time I've heard of it. How are things in Heaven? Things are better down here. Robbie made me some gorgeous dish towels. Mike dropped them off yesterday. She does embroidery now and her workmanship is outstanding. Your sister is so talented Ronnie, I wish I could do crafts like she does. I think I told you that I'm going to Pulmonary Rehab three times a week. It's killing me right leg but I'm going to stick with it. I want to be able to walk around the mall without getting out of breath. It seems to be helping. I saw the Pulmonary doctor on Monday and he told me that stage 3a is as high as you can go and still have a chance of being cured. He said 3b and 4 you don't have a chance. So if I beat this I guess I'm pretty lucky. I was wondering if you saw Robin Williams yet. That's so sad. Apparently he's been suffering from severe depression for quite a while. It's a shame that people don't understand depression. They think that you can just turn it off. Oh how I wish it was that easy. Talk to you soon honey. Take care. I love you, Mom xoxoxoxo"
"I lost my whole note that I just wrote to you. I hate Windows. 8. I'm too tired to write that all again. Anyway the package came right on my birthday. She made me a really cool coaster , I want to frame it, she
wants me to use it. She also made me two bread basket cloths, one for Halloween and one with flowers. She also made a gorgeous doily that has a spider on it and a key ring with a palm tree embroidered
on it. I wish you could see these, Ronnie, the workmanship is incredible.
I also got a beautiful card but the best thing about the card is how she
signed it. "Love, Robbie." Do you have any idea how long I've been
waiting to see those words. Anyway, my birthday was great and Robbie
was the reason. Nancy, my neighbor, took me out to dinner. We got home about 5:00 and then went to Nancy's house for ice cream cake.
She invited two of the neighbors, Gail and Jane. It was fun and Nancy
got me some really cool presents. All and all it was a really good day.
Best birthday I've had in a really long time. I'll talk to you later, not too much later, I promise.
Mom <3 :)"
"Hi Ronnie. I went for my CT last Friday and everything is clear. But that's not the best thing that's happened. The best is that Robbie and I are emailing each other back and forth. I must check my email 20 times a day hoping I hear from her. Some days after checking it like I have OCD I let it go for a few hours and wouldn't you know that's usually when she emails me. Robbie made me some gorgeous hand towels and market bags and she told me to pick out some Halloween and Fall designs and she'll make them for me. I can't put it into words how happy I am. I'll still never forgive myself for not considering that she lost her only sibling and brother when you died. Shock and denial are great things when the unimaginable happens, like loosing a child, but they don't help when you should be comforting others. Robbie needed comforting and I wasn't there for her. I was so devastated that I don't think I could have been there. As I think back now, when she had her miscarriages that is like loosing a child also. I never realized that until I joined a group called Compassionate Friends. There were a few women there who were devastated after a miscarriage and it took them a long time to be able to adjust to it. I never knew that so again I should have been there and I wasn't. Whoever said ignorance is bliss never lived a life like mine. I just hope and pray I can at least try to make it up to her. I wish I had known what she was going through. If I did I certainly would have been there for her. I have to get ready for rehab so I will write again. Sorry it's been such a long time in between notes.
Love and miss you so much,
"Happy Birthday Ronnie. Wish we were having Birthday Hoagies and going fishing. From your favorite brother-in-law, Mike."
"H-A-P-P-Y B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y Uncle Ronnie. ~~~~~~Miss you ~~~~~~~~
Love, Andy, Sabrina & Hallie......OX"
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY RON <3 <3<3<3<3<3 I wish I could bake you a Birthday Cheesecake. I did send you a dorky Birthday Song. I hope you like it."
"Happy Birthday Ronnie. I hope birthdays in Heaven are glorious cause they're not too great down here. It's after 4:00 AM and I still can't sleep, all I can do is cry. I wish your birthday wasn't so close to Mother's Day. I don't get much of an emotional break for a week, but this isn't about me it's about you. I just hope and pray that you are happy Ronnie. It broke my heart to see how much you were hurting and I couldn't do a thing to help you. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that you are not in pain anymore. I think depression is about the worst illness a person can have. Everything hurts: body, mind and soul. The physical pain is bad enough but the emotional pain is debilitating. Well, this turned out to be a happy little note for your birthday, didn't it? Leave it to Mom to screw up a birthday note. Happy Birthday Ronnie. Have a wonderful day. I love you and miss you, Mom xxxoxoxoxoxo"
"Hi Ronnie. I hope you had a Happy Easter in Heaven. Sorry I didn't do this on Sunday but I'm just a mess lately. I wish I could go back to when you and Robbie were little. They were truly the best years of my life. I know I can't but I'm very grateful that I had all those years. Some people are never that lucky. Love you......"
"HAPPY EASTER <3"
"Hi Ronnie. I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything for a while but the radiation and chemo is making me so tired I feel like I don't have the strength to do anything. Gary sent me some pictures but I don't remember if I posted them. I'll have to look. I love you, Mom"
Happy Pi Day! Nothing beats celebrating an irrational number.
(one number for each year you were with us, the numbers continue to infinity just as you will in our hearts) <3"
"Hi Ronnie, I hope you like the Angel Wings photo. My friend, Moe, from a bereavement group that I belong to made them for all the parents. I sure wish I had more pictures of you and Robbie when you were little. Gary has them all and I've asked him so many times to please email some to me but so far not much luck. I guess I shouldn't complain, it's only been four years. LOL. Miss you. Love, Mom xo"
"Hi Ronnie, I was just looking at the photo of the odd couple that Robbie posted. I have your picture that you've had since Bell Court. It's in the closet on my porch and I promise I won't ever part with it unless your sister wants it. It still looks as good as new. I love you, Mom"
Just thought you would like a picture and a song of your favorite show.
Just stopping by for a little chat. Have not had such a great week, I will be glad when the PET scan is over and the Skull scan so I know where I stand. If they find cancer in my brain or another major organ, I think I will let the chemo and radiation go and try to enjoy the time I have left. I do not want to spend what time I have left barfing my brains out. That is assuming I have any brains left. LOL. No matter what I will be okay, so I do not want you to worry. I hope Robbie is not worrying. She has enough on her plate. Funny, but I feel a lot better writing down what I am feeling. I sure hope you can see the Mr. Peanut that Robbie posted. Every time I look at it I have to laugh. We really had fun that day. Love you Ronnie, Mom"
"I was just looking at the pictures that your sister posted. I remember each day like it was yesterday. In one of my other tributes I said that the happiest day of my life will be when I am with you again. That's not completely true Ronnie. The happiest day of my life would be to spend just one day with Robbie and the kids. When you died, the impossible happened. I was in shock, denial and the pain in my heart was unbearable. It wasn't until the following August that I started to realize that you were really gone and that's when things got bad, very bad. The only thing that kept me going was having Robbie in my life. Then, I blew it. There's not enough room on this tribute to list everything I said and did that was wrong. It's just that I was so afraid of losing Robbie too that I couldn't even think straight. That's not an excuse but it is a reason. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was to go on living when all I wanted to do was die. I had lost both my children and my grandchildren. I had no family, just me and Tammy. I dreaded the holidays this year, but I got through them. For the first time in my life I spent them alone, but I did it. In an odd kind of way I was sort of proud of myself, but rest assured, I'm glad they are over. I was hoping that the new year would bring something good for a change but that was not to be. Well, it is what it is and the only thing that can change that is God, a lot of luck and the radiation and chemo working exactly as hoped. Have a beautiful day in Heaven Ronnie. I love you, Mom"
"I know everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what that reason was."
"I know in my heart that you feel peace. I send you love continuously. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO"
"The song you used to sing to me, "My Favorite Things", was in my head all night. It's been in my head a lot over the past few years and I always tried to get it out, but I'm starting to think that it's coming from you. So tonight I just let it sing in my head over and over. In your wildest dreams you can't imagine how much I miss you and want you back. It will be four years on January 2 and it's not getting any easier. I'm sitting here crying right now. Do you think I'll ever have a day when I don't cry? I love you so much Ronnie and I can't wait to be with you again. Until then rest in peace my son."
"Just sending you a little flower to let you know I'm thinking of you every day. I love you. Mom"
"Merry Christmas in Heaven Sweetie. I am so proud of you for all your accomplishments in your life. You were a good husband, a wonderful, unselfish father and a good son who was loved with all my heart. I miss our fishing trips and just being with you, even if it was just to paint your house. I loved that weekend that we painted and I remember the ride home when you stopped at Walmart. You told me I could get as much as I wanted for helping you to paint. I already had what I wanted, just spending a weekend with you, no matter what we were doing. I don't know what I would do without the step ladder you bought me. I use it almost every day. I pray a lot that you will come to me in a dream. That doesn't happen very often but that's okay, I know you will be there for me when God calls me home and I can't wait to hold your hand and hug you again. I still cry every day Ronnie. I love you so much that the pain will never go away. I understand why you did what you did and I am not angry with you at all. You were in so much pain and it broke my heart to see you that way and not be able to do anything to help you. My job was to take care of you and yet I wasn't able to do that. When I was looking for you I prayed that God would take me in place of you, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I will be seeing you soon my son. The happiest day of my life will be when I am with you again. You were a very brave young man, Ronnie, and I will never let anyone say that you were not. Not too many men would have had the guts to do what you did. I love you so much Ronnie and I miss you more than you'll ever know. Till we're together again, be happy in Heaven. Love, Mom xoxoxoxo"
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