Momma, God I sooooo miss you!!! That sounds so not even close to how I feel and the devastating crippling way I miss you. You are like none I've ever known or ever will be so blessed with again-so rare -your beauty,your light-the way you shine on all who were blessed enough just to be in your presence-that alone was simply enough -cause what you emanated was a pure gentle loving nurturing unconditional love so genuine true and everlasting...untouchable...and God I hate that I took our time for granted -or that's not really true though cuz you I would never I can't imagine anyone ever could take such beauty as you do gfreely and effortlessly devour those close in without trying without even lknowing I believe-you never gave yourself credit or put yourself first which if anyone ever deserved it you did but no you always thought of others and their comfort their pain what you could do for them to help ease it to sooth their path even when it made yours so unbearable -God I so wish I could've done that for you-I hesitated on a question you asked me be four you left-and I regret so much now-it wasn't that I didn't want to-it was just that I was surprised I guess that you felt like that too!!i guess I shouldnt bvre been -I mean regardless of what anyone else saw knew or believed I knew and you knew-we had a in readable bond forever intertwined genuine unconditional-just you as usual showed it like I wish I had more time to show you...that was cut short-and I'm sorry but I can't shake the feeling that like Mina's and others that it was cut short by hands unclean who played a foul part-not to mention I was not permitted to even see you be with you like I've imagined Evans dreaded but knewi would be sitting with you holding your hand however long days nights weeks however long it would be I was supposed to be there I wanted to be there more than anything I needed to be there -I needed for you to know just how much I so love you how despite my choices you were always the light that ifd see in the dark guiding me to hope and lighting a path for me to grabb when I was so blind your love for me and your gentle beautiful you kept me going for and through so many times I just couldn't find anything else to go on for !!!now bitter regret sorrow grief anger unclarity search for truth answers justice and closure is what drives me now...you taught and showed me the beauty in life pure free precious blessing we weere chosen to have through love his love something he blessed you with to show and share you trulyy are the closest and gentlest most genuine imitation of what God is and how he loves us so and never stops regardless of paths chhoices we make you looks him always waits hoping nurturing there when we call ne but here's where it's not the same here when we need when the time finally broke through for me and Im clean drug free but ya know everybody wanted that for so long including myself and things were supposed to stop get better normalicy for what ever definition the eye of be holders suits up to -it's not it hasn't stopped if anything all things considered it's only deteriorated way worse out of my control not as if I was in vcontrol then but at least my addiction was a thing that we all could blame-for what it's looking to be now as it has to me for too long now isn't something anyone would ever want or imagine actually dealing with or trying to much less grasp the possibility of the actualality and Seth of it the written prmise everyone wonders and is frightened about as a little child growing to overcome or push it aside not thinking or dreading it as we grow somewhat relating to it or thinking about it as one would a fairytale or horror legend tale whichever again that is within the eye of the beholder...I for one think and believe it's quite sick and pathetic especially how it gains so much power respect(through receipt)and followers to boluntarily go along with and then justify whatever means it so designates and they are so blinded by whatever that they're okay with it or don't bother to follow their doubt or questionionae hesitancy wh when something doesn't look right doesn't smell right and leaves an awful taste in your mouth why would one do whatever to try to acquire a taste for it-most likely they're first gut feeling of it being shit was right --somehow this whatever has so many including myself self doubting and occupies our thoughts and time so much that it's easy to keep us deterred and unfocused and deceiving lay crippled --it's really true stay in the word know believe with all you have in what you hopefully as I was while young about God and love n truth and God now more than ever hold strong to it and don't take your eyes off it him or truth for a second cuz from what I'm witnessing that's all it takes.use discernment wisdom and be still listen Walachia be cautious aware and keep strong mind body and soul--mom this is what you blessed me with among so much love and beautiful memories no wonder I yearn for you and miss you and regret time wasted but there is a reason for everything you also taught me that and gave me good reason to believe there is a higher power by just being you seeing you grow your shining light through all you overcame with such grace beauty gentle giving love laughter comfort nurturing genuine peace I know and truelty believe in him because of you !!!sething so heavenly and almighty had to be for you to be!!!i love you mom more than I was ever able to show I only pray you know -and until we meet again one day...hopefully -I love you love Allie..... P.s. Is Nina there with you!!! Please tell her Ii love her and miss her and I'll be back soon to write to her I'm only capable of one at a time now!!!! Please watch over and guide us momma n please protect all u cann and please momma find Alex n if you cann light a path for me to hokum safely !!! Pas I dont know how to prove what I know and I've never been able to deal with lies good mom please give me wisdom and stillness to wait not jump n confuse or make it look what it's not because of inability to convince truth to those who need to see because of my desperate unknown or illpracticed I walked territory (basically I haven't been or I'f I was I had enough confidence security and whatever one possess to turn away and leave them be never looking back so I'm uneqpuipped and not sure what or how to get out of a situation that's been filled and portrayed n buried lomng time overdue now which there's already only a small pin like hole back to light sand slim chances of making truth shine bright for someone to see that will help me n others now already covered and drowned out by deceipt lies portrayed situations that not aand never would or could be as how they have been portrayed to be-n if someone would follow their instinct n common sense gut n just put a little effort into their knowledge n wisdom non stead of being fed bs on a string and being satisfied for whatever because of it -just look a little put the puzzle pieces together yourself dig a little beneath the surface sooner than later you'll find a piece that doesn't fit which should give you a clue but if not keep going til u see more which thenyoull be stuck in being not able to stop but this is when you need to break n go get others many others and others and more n not by yourself or could many with good hearts good intentions ones who can't be bought off with money or threatened easily ones with lots of resources power people ones who are for truth genuine real truth n goodness mankind not scandal it's then do what I was supposed to do long ago EXPOSE IT!!!!  Mom please gel me guide me be my light again like you always have been I love you mom and I know you when no one else did or didn't you always believed n loved me know I so love you