July 7, 2013 - My Mom
Saroj Bala Bansal
  • 75 years old
  • Date of birth: Sep 14, 1937
  • Place of birth:
    Mawana, Dist. Meerut, U.P., India
  • Date of passing: Sep 8, 2013
  • Place of passing:
    Fitchburg, Wisconsin, United States
"Forget I ever had Heartache; Remember I had lots of fun.."
"I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end"

Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in the memory of my dear Mummy., Saroj Bansal who was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure.  She developed that as a result of Chemo in 1998 and would eventually succomb to it.  She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters).  Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke.  My Mom was only 18.  She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she died.  So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age.  She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage which would last over 53 years.  They lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977.  Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here.  Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life we do.  She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993.  Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs.  The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

After my father's stroke in February 2013, she was left in very vulnerable situation and she felt very much alone and lonely.  Her depression got worse.  In June one fatal night she was advised to take Insulin when her sugar was already very low.  This sent her to ER the next day and there she had some episode which caused her Heart to almost stop.  She spent 11 days in Cardiology ICU at UW as none of the medicines would work anymore for her heart.  Finally they sent her home with Milrinone, a medicine that she had to take via portable IV.  But she never complained as this medicine made her heart squeeze better than it had in years!  She felt so good as soon as they started her on this medication.  She felt hunger - something that she had not felt in years.  And she was happy.  The picture on the top banner is from July 2013, just after she returned from ICU.  She looked and felt very well and happy.  But it lasted only couple of weeks.  Then the medicine stopped working and she would not recover.  She suffered a great deal in her last three weeks - both because lack of heart function (10% now) caused something that made her feel very very bad; and also because once she got better, she was so happy and wanted to live and had hoped to be around for some time longer.  Her strength faded away day by day.  And around 11:00pm on the night of September 7th, she stood for the last time.  She was in such distress!  We gave her the sleeping pill since she asked for it.  I loved her more than life itself but at that moment, I did not want her to wake up the next day.  She would have had trouble time breathing.  And one thing that she was terrified of was of being sent to a nursing home.  And I did not want that for her.  She fell asleep around 12:30.  Between 4:30 and 5am on September 8th, she slipped away just when we turned the lights off for half-an-hour.  My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet.  This is all so unreal.  She used to say - "wouldn't it be nice to come back and see what people would say about me..."  I wonder if she can see us.

She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home.  Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place. 

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son, his wife and two of their daughters; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla. 

Memorial Tributes
This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 29th January 2015

"Dear Mummy

Time is passing so quickly.  It's been 16 months and 22 days since you and I sat together - I still totally oblivious (or may be in denial) that it was time; that it would be the last time we will talk...  And yet it seems like yesterday.  In my mind, I see you and hear your voice and it hits me with a pang when I think that you have been gone for so long!  I look at your picture and wonder if you were ever here.  

But you won't really be gone as long as I live for a person doesn't die as long as there is someone to speak their name.

It will be one year for Chris's Mom in two days!  And that feels like yesterday.  I miss her too.  I wonder what it would have been like if she were well.  I could never imagine, though I tried, how it would be without you some day.  Now that I can't see you and you don't call me anymore, still there are times when, just for a moment, I say to myself that I need to call you tell you this or that. -- And then I remember!

But I can always talk to you because you live in my heart.  

Love you and missing you.
Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 13th January 2015

"Dear Mummy

May be later...
I wanted to talk to you, but later.  You know what is in my heart - If you are looking down on me - us...

I miss you.
Love, Gudiya"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 7th January 2015

"Dear Mummy

Wish you were coming too...

Love you, Gudiya"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 1st January 2015

"Happy New Year, Mummy.

The first empty year without you has come and gone.  It is difficult to imagine!  481 days without talking to you when we talked at least once a day every day...

I think I saw you in my dream last night.

Missing you very much
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 25th December 2014

"I would call on this day or if we were together, like two years ago, I would say 'Happy Anniversary' and you would smile and say 'Thank you'.  I miss that moment.  I miss our lunches on this day.  I miss your Koftas...

Most of all, I miss you.
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 24th December 2014

"Dear Mummy

Two years ago at this time I was with you.  It was around 6:30 and you were probably just wanting to get up to wash up for breakfast!  I can see you as if just yesterday.  We made Pizza from scratch on Christmas Day for your anniversary - my first and last time making it.  You thought it was ok :-)  

How long ago was that?  Seems like a century ago but yet also feels like yesterday.  Wish we could do that all over again.

I miss you so much.
Love you, Yours, Gudiya"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 21st December 2014

"Dear Mummy

Another Christmas is approaching without you - another one of your anniversaries; and another year about to pass...  This is the first complete year without you and I have missed you so much.

Now I know what you meant when you said 'sab kuch kitna badal gaya hai na...'.  At the time when you said it, I guess I hadn't experienced such tremendous loss as you were going through and may be that's why it didn't make much impact.  But now I know and feel exactly how you must have felt.  Sab kuch has indeed badal gaya...

I miss our old days... sitting together in the sun along with ammaji in those summer days - I can still sense that smell - eating peanut; reading newspaper about "Lata kand"...  about our trips to Mawana in the rickshaw and then bus; and here too many memories that we made together in the US.  We had some really good times; family times - I know you missed them the most - the way it feels to be with family.  With you, I have lost that too.  Nobody calls me to ask if I am sad or happy or annoys me with fussing over me. I wish you would fuss one more time...

I have no one to send flowers to now; I miss you so much.  I wish you took me with you but I know you wanted me to go on without you.  You worried about me.  I am so glad to have had that one last week with you and that one evening on Saturday when we sat on the bench and you promised...  I know you promised just to keep me from getting upset.

I saw you in my dreams last week and you were well.  But two days ago when I saw you, you were not looking good.  I hope you are somewhere.  When I have hickups, if I think that 'Mummy must be somewhere and is thinking of me', it goes away.  Are you somewhere?

Miss you, Mummy.
Love, your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 15th December 2014

"Dear Mummy

You gave up too soon...  You would have been happy today.  Papa managed to get back something you so badly wanted...
I wish I knew how lonely you were; I wish I understood your anxiety.  May be you would still be here.

I miss you so much
Love, Gudiya"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 15th December 2014

"Dear Mummy

I missed you a lot yesterday - for some reason I kept thinking about you.  Then before going to bed it occurred to me that exactly 11 years ago you wrote me that letter...  You could tell when I was sad and now I so wish you could call me just once more...  that I could sit with your one more time...

Everything has changed now.  I know now how you felt that day when you looked at me and said 'sab kuch kitna badal gaya hai na...'.  I cannot fully comprehend how you may have felt because no one can truly understand other's pain; but I still feel an ache in my heart when I think of what you went through.  And yet you never complained... Not until the last minute.

Missing you.
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 27th November 2014

"Dear Mummy

Long ago there was a day, today - just many years ago when you held me in your arms for the first time. You were there, papa, babaji and Ammaji.  All that was my World. Now I have only papa and Chris.  

I miss you so much and even more today.
Yes, every thing is differerent now.

I love you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 25th November 2014

"My Mummy

This is my second birthday without you!  What does it mean when you are not here. You don't call me and wish me 'happy birthday' anymore. You always used to say, 'baahar ja ker kuch kha laina'.

You always used to ask me how I was doing; did I exercise...
I miss our walks together. We took lots of walks when we lived in Temple Hills. I wish I came for more visits and listened more. It was so long ago when three of us took the walk around your house in WI. When was it when we took our last walk together?  I don't remember. Didn't know that would be our last!

I miss you every day. Come in my dreams and tell me know you are happy and healthy if you are somewhere.

Love you
May be you will be in my dreams on my birthday.

Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 13th November 2014

"Dear Mummy

Were you afraid on that last day?  I remember you said once 'kitna dard hota hoga Marne mein'.  But you were so calm the entire time.

Driving in today I was thinking of our trips to Williamsburg. We used to leave at 4 in the morning. Once we had to stop because the bridge was closed. Just these little memories...

I think only once you and I went to McDonalds - just the two of us, when I came to WI last year. You and I used to take lots of walks together and go shopping when we lived in Temple Hills. I miss those. I wish we could take just one more walk. In 2012, when three of us used to go for a walk in WI and you would take the separate shorter route because you couldn't walk the longer one anymore, I used to turn and look back at you as you went your way.  My heart would be full of sadness as I thought one day you would go on your way and we wouldn't be able to find you. But it was just a thought. Never really felt real.

And now you are gone and I look back to see you walking me to the UM shuttle, walking in the snow, crying with me as we read letters of babaji and Ammaji, nainital trips, all our vacations together, our last walk around the house in Laurel in October of 2012, and our very last in WI in July of 2013 after you returned home from long stay at the hospital.

I miss you.

Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 12th November 2014

"Dear Mummy

I think you would have said something like this. This is shared by Pappu bhaiya. I do wish I came to spend more time with you. There were couple of years when I only saw you for 3-4 weeks in the entire year!  

When I'll be dead...
Your tears will flow...
But I won't know...
Cry for me now instead!

You will send flowers...
But I won't see...
Send them now instead!

You will say words of praise...
But I won't hear...
Praise me now instead!

You 'll forget my faults...
But I won't know...
Forget them now, instead...

You'll mill me then...
But I won't feel...
Miss me now, instead...

You'll wish...
You could have spent more time with me..,
Spend it now, instead.

I miss you so much that it hurts. It still feels unreal that you are not just a phone call away.

I wish you had 10 more years.  

Love you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 7th November 2014

"Dear Mummy

Thanks for that last sit-together and the car ride - just you and me.  I want to remember your happy face, face that brightened up at the smallest thing that made you happy. Such an expressive face. But I keep remembering all the hurt and pain that we as a family and the doctors who didn't care caused you. I know you would want me to think of the good times more. I am trying. Regrets are fruitless now but I do have lots of them. When I am very sad, I try to remember your 'Happy, happy' song.

Dr. Perry replied to my note. She says that she thinks of you and misses you often. I know she does. The tears she shed on your first birthday without you tell us how much she cared. I will always think of her fondly because she gave you so many hugs and made you smile.

If you are somewhere, wish Chris's Mom a Happy Birthday today.

Love you and miss you

Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd November 2014

"Dear Mummy

This time it was a vacation first time without you for papa and me. I missed you. Thought of all those times we travelled together to so many places. You always used to bring the picnic with you. Samosas, kadhi chawal, bananas, Alu puri and all the other stuff. That was fun. I miss those days.

I remember when you went to Disney few years ago, you were so proud when you told me how much you were able to walk. I can't help thinking that Dr. Kursishi, Wilson and you yourself robbed you and us of at least 10 years together. You were only 75 and could have stayed with me easily another 10 years. You went too soon. Sometimes I am angry with you for being so stubborn and not listening. But mostly I just miss you and hurt for all those times you suffered.

I wish I could do it over again. Then I would not let you go to WI.

Oh, how I wish this were all a nightmare!

Miss you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 28th October 2014

"Dear Mummy

When I think of you, I think of feeling 'safe' somehow. Or may be it is sa feeling of having someone I can lean on... Someone who worried about me.  Without you I don't have that. You loved me, i know.

I used to get annoyed when you fussed over me. Now I long for a call from you asking how I am.

I wish you were still here.

Missing you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 27th October 2014

"Dear Mummy

There was a day 2 years ago when you had me paged at the airport as I waited for my flight. You forgot to give me my going-away money!

Papa gave it to me today on your behalf. But what I wouldn't give to have you do the same again !

We both miss you so much!  The house is empty without you. You would've made me tea and toast. What happened to those days when you both were healthier and we sat and watched Indian movies?
I miss them so very much.

Life will never be the same again. Not since you are not here where we can see you and touch you. Sometimes having you in my heart doesn't seem enough. It seems like such a nightmare but I know it isn't one that we can wake up from.

Love you and miss you
Gudiya and Papa"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 23rd October 2014

"Dear Mummy

I wish it was like 2 years ago and you could come to the airport to pick me up.  Nothing is the same without you. I can hear your voice in my head and expect to find you in places where you used to be.

You are in my heart, I know - and forever will be. But I wish I could see you and touch you.

Missing you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 22nd October 2014

"Happy Diwali, Mummy

It's been so many years since we were together at Diwali. I miss all those things you used to make. I have missed us writing in the book on Dasharah - all the events of the year.

I miss your voice singing Aarti.

I miss you


This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 20th October 2014

"Dear Mummy

Yesterday morning, I had a dream that I was in a hospital and had a catheter attached. Nurses thought that it wasn't working and wanted to re-attach it. I thought it would hurt a lot. I seemed to be alone there. But then you came in and nurses gave you a bed to sit on. You were crying a lot.  I think you Said something about Shailu. I know he brought you lots of heartache. But I hope that in the end my love alone was enough for both of us. It brings me some peace that you knew how much I loved you

You came when I was alone and afraid at the hospital - even though it was only a dream. So I know you will be there for me in Spirit for as long as I live.

I miss you so much. I can feel physical pain in my heart sometimes. I wish you were here few more years. Sometimes still I feel like I need to call and tell you something but then I remember...

Miss you and love you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 17th October 2014

"Dear Mummy

Today I read your letter of December 14, 2003 many times and I wish you were here so that I could talk to you about what is on my mind.  You wanted me to talk about myself and listen to you about what was on your mind.  But lately all I ever talked about had to do with your eating habits and your medical issues. You didn't want to talk about them all the time - I know that.  At the time my focus was on keeping you well.  But now I know that you would have been happier if we talked more about other things - about life.  

And now when I have understood all that, you are not here.  Sometimes I just want to make it happen and bring you back somehow.  But I can't.  And I miss you so very much.

Now I will never get to eat your kadhi, mathri, sel and those Kaju...
You bought that flour in 2012 when you came.  I can't bring myself to throw it away.  We didn't know it then that it will outlast you!

Come back - just once.  Come in my dreams...

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th October 2014

"Dear Mummy

13 months today and almost to the hour since you went away so quietly when I dosed off. Didn't even woke me and said Goodbye?

Every day I add another day to how long it's been since we sat on that bench for the last time. Even after 396 days, I can feel the softness of your gown and frailty of your voice. That evening sitting there you sipped your last cup of tea, and promised me a walk when you were better. I know you were just making that promise to pacify me. You already knew that time had come when you had to leave me, leave us. You were so calm, as always. Thanks for that time, for that last car ride and for all your love and worries for me.

If you are somewhere and reunited with our lost family, babaji Ammaji and nanaji naniji, will you tell them that I think of them often; that I miss them and wish that we had more time together. Wish I got to see naniji. I know you missed her and were sad for her suffering just like I am for yours. That day sitting in the hospital, when we had our little talk, you said 'chachiji ne kabhi parvah he nehin kee unki'.  So I know it saddened you but you never talked much about them. Probably because you knew we weren't listening.

If I could have another chance with you - even for an hour, I would hug you and just listen to what you want to talk about. I wasn't trying to make light if what bothered about Gauri and rest of the family. I just thought that if I, I don't know how to express it, but I just wanted you to not care about people who didn't matter and concentrate more in who loved you. But now I know that that kind of effort only makes one feel like their feelings didn't matter. That wasn't true at all. I hurt for you and with you all the time. I wished I could make all bad things go away but...

I wish I didn't let you two go to Wisconsin. You may not have been happier because you would have missed Shailu and Priya but you would have been safer.

Miss you so much. And love you even more.

Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 7th October 2014

"Dear Mummy

I wish you got to meet Anju and her family. You would have been at home with them. I think you would have been happy when you met them. I miss you and i think of you often and more when I come across something pleasant like a nice visit with friends you would have loved; even a nice breeze. I wish you were here to experience them.

Missing you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd October 2014

"Dear Mummy

14-Dec-2003 - You wrote 'Aaj man bahut ajib sa ho raha hai, tumhai koi pareshani to nehin?'  You worried about me so much and just like Babaji, went away.  Don't you think of me anymore?  Are you somewhere?  Papa says you have been reborn somewhere.  Where are you - if anywhere?

Missing you.
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 25th September 2014

"Dear Mummy

9 years ago today at this time you were probably getting ready to make breakfast.  Chris called me at 7 and asked me if I would marry him...  Just 5 hours before the ceremony :-)  That was one of the happiest day of my life.  You and I were going to leave in another couple of hours to get our hair and makeup done.

How different things were then.  I wish you were here today.  I wish the phone would ring and it would be you on the other end of the telephone - wishing us Happy Anniversary.

If you are somewhere, I know you are singing 'happy, happy....'.

Love you and miss you so very much
Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 19th September 2014

"Dear Mummy

Did you get those balloons we sent off for you?  So many people love you. They were just not able to show. I wish you and I had more time together. I wish I took family leave and spent more time with you last year. I wish I kept you and papa with me and not let you go to Wisconsin. Wish I gave you more hugs.

Wish I could hug you again.

Love and miss you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 17th September 2014

"Dear Mummy

A year and 10 days since we last talked!  How can it be so long since then and yet feel like yesterday when I touched you?  Were you there at the memorial service?  I hope you are somewhere and heard how many people love and respect you. Sometimes I can just see you standing there and wish we could give ones another a hug one last time. Why don't I see you in my dreams?

I miss you
Love you yesterday, today and tomorrow

Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Deborah Eason on 15th September 2014

"Ms. Bansal, I was so happy to spend time with you and Mr. Bansal after not seeing you for a very, very long time. I thank God that I saw Sandhia on metro and was able to spend the day with you when you came to visit Sandhia and Chris. For me, it was like seeing my mom again. You were the first one who ever served me cream in my tea when I visited Sandhia when we were in college. I will always remember you. Love Always - Deborah"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 15th September 2014

"Dear Mummy

I hope you were somewhere near yesterday and were able to see and hear how much you are loved and missed.  Kim came!  She cared about you so much. Set stayed for a long time and enjoyed the food. She remembered how much you loved chips and salsa.  

And so many others who spoke from the heart. You always wished you could come back once to see what everyone would say about you. I hope you saw.

I love you so much and miss you.

Happy Birthday, again.

Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 14th September 2014

"Happy Birthday, Mum...

Today we celebrate your 77th.  You are in our hearts forever.

Love you and miss you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Radha Sijapati on 14th September 2014

"Happy Birthday Soroj Ji!  You physical presence gave us much joy, tender love and happiness!  Your spiritual presence has taught us the meaning of life, spirituality and compassion!"

This tribute was added by sushil bansal on 13th September 2014

"Today is over with so many people to one year missed you but nobody talked about you except few you liked them most. I found myself alone although so Many people were there. Why? I need notto tell you reason you know that. Do you know that? Why you left me here alone.we go together always than why you have gone alone. .hope you where may be may remember me. Tomorrow is your birth day. Letus go to Alaskeas we were planning before."

This tribute was added by Anju & Pratap Thakur on 9th September 2014

"I still remember the day when I saw her first Young n energetic.,then in Solan at my place., and finally on skype last year when we were in US. The same enthusiasm and fresh voice but this time I could see her in memories.We love n miss aunti.............................................................."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 9th September 2014

"Dear Mummy

Now I can no longer imagine what you were doing at this time last year. It is another loss. The only other loss I can have now is if I forget your face. Will I?  This week was so difficult. Why didn't you pass on some of your strength to me?  

You used to say that you would like to know what people would say about you when you are gone.  Are you somewhere and can see or feel the thoughts of all these caring friends and family?  I hope you can.

I would like to believe that you and babaji Ammaji are waiting for me somewhere and can see me. I just am not sure.

I miss you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Bridget Gracner on 8th September 2014

"I will always remember her warm smile, sense of humor and love for bananas.  She ate one every time I saw her.  She is a beautiful being."

This tribute was added by Radha Sijapati on 8th September 2014

"We cherish your love and time we had together!  We love you and miss you very much! May you rest in peace with God!"

This tribute was added by Vipin Goel on 8th September 2014

"Mrs. Saroj Bansal, as I knew her, was a person with a beautiful heart and soul. She cared about every one - her family and friends.  Her physical presence will always be missed by each one of us who knew her even briefly."

This tribute was added by Seema Kumar on 8th September 2014

"Respected Chachiji., Naniji
I am sure that with god's grace ,you are in a peaceful state . We cherish your loving memories & talk about you.
Alok Anika Seema ruchika"

This tribute was added by Chhavi & Maitrie Bansal on 8th September 2014

"Respected Taiji,

Today and always, may our loving memories bring you peace, comfort, and strength!

We miss you so much.


Sameer and Meenu"

This tribute was added by Chhavi & Maitrie Bansal on 8th September 2014

"Dear Amma,

Last year, you went away from us, but still you are in our hearts!!

Wherever you are, please give us your love, blessings and much more :) :)

We miss you so much!

With lots of love; Chhavi & Maitrie"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th September 2014

"Dear Mummy

You left us just about this time last year. Just went out quietly, without making a fuss. That was always your way. We miss you so very much.

My heart is so full of sadness and tears want to come out. This has been such a difficult week. I kept thinking about what you were doing at this time last year and felt like everything happened just yesterday.  I thought a lot about the time 37 years ago. I had everybody then. Babaji, Ammaji, you and papa. And also all of the other family. I guess this is the way of life but it still hurts.

Papa and I, we miss you so very much. I don't know whether you are somewhere but if you are, hope you are singing 'happy, happy'.

Love and miss you forever
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Navneet Bansal on 8th September 2014

"Dear Chachai,
You are being missed by us a lot. We have your fond memories intact with us. Rest in peace where ever you are.

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 5th September 2014

"Dear Mummy

This was Thursday last year today. You had an appointment with Dr. Elson and another with Dr. Rahko. You were so unwell and uncomfortable!  Still I did not think that you'd be gone in less than 72 hours!  That evening we took you to a Mexican Restaurant, La Hasciena. That was the worst ever. You were so upset as nothing had any taste. Even then you were so strong and feisty!  I wish you could have had better food and chips and salsa. I thought of you when we are at a very nice Mexican place in Cambridge last year.

That day while sitting in Dr. Rahko's office you were so cold. But when Kim agave you a warm blanket and held your hand, such visible comfort came over you!  I wish I knew then that you would be gone soon. Sometimes my arms ache to touch you, to give you a hug.

I miss you so much. This week is so difficult. 37 years ago, today was our first morning in US.  I haven't thought of it for years but have been thinking of it a lot these days. How different everything was. What did we do on our first day?  I am sure we cried while missing babaji and Ammaji.  

Next week I will be going to WI for your memorial. Never thought about these thing. Every time I tried imagining how it would be without you, I could not. You said just the other day 'Sab kuch kitna badal gaya hai'. It has.

Missing you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd September 2014

"Oh Mummy, it was only 37 years ago today when we left India to come here!  Such a short time in the whole scheme of things but yet so long!

Life was good and you were only 39 years young and healthy. Babaji Ammaji were there. There was a family that loved me. Now with you gone and babaji Ammaji gone, it is all a thing of the past. With you around, I had a home.  I don't think I could make it if Chris wasn't with me. I miss you all the time and I think of all those people who hurt you and it makes me miserable. I know you wouldn't like me to talk about the bad times. You were so strong but I am not. I try to think of the happy things like the time when you were released from the ICU last July. You were so we'll and happy for those couple of weeks. It was such a gift to me to see you so interested in things and hungry!  I can still hear you saying 'happy, happy' when you saw us brooding.

But now you are gone. Are you somewhere?  Just give me a sign if you are. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. Come and give me a hug in my dream!

Missing you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 31st August 2014

"Dear Mummy

Last year on this day just about now Chris and I landed on Madison Airport.  We came to see you.  But where can we go now go get a glimpse of you?  I need to give you a hug so badly that sometimes I can feel the physical pain.  I want to call you but you are not at the other end of the line.  

As this year winds down, I am afraid of losing even the thoughts of 'last year she was doing this...'.  The time is flying by fast and yet it seems like only yesterday when I came into the room on this day where you were and you said ' do hafte mein duniya he badal gayee '.

I am happy that you were able to carry on until the very end because I know how much more pain it would have inflicted on you if you had to depend on others for your personal needs.

I miss you so very much but you knew I would.

Love you
Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 23rd August 2014

"Dear Mummy

I guess it was around now last year that you started winding down.  When I got there on August 31st, you said 'do hafte mein duniya he badal gayi'.  Something must have happened that caused you to start feeling really bad.  Whenever I pass by that passage at work, I can almost hear your voices.  We had lots of phone conversations in that area.  I feel such a heartache when I go by there but it makes me feel closer to you.

I did not know that you would be gone in 16 days last year.  If I could just have you back one more time!

Love you and missing you.
Your's Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 21st August 2014

"Dear Mummy

It was just about at this hour on this date last year when I called you, you insisted I call Mawana and talk to Mamaji because this was Rakhi.  May be you knew it was your last because when I said I would call when I get home, you said - 'that will be too late'.  You did not want to let this last Rakhi go without a call to mamaji.  Papa was in the hospital and you were so anxious and worried about so many things.

I wish I took the family leave last year and spent time with you.  It just never occurred to me that you would leave us so soon.  I thought we still had some more time left.  I wish...  Sometimes when I walk by that space at work where I used to go and call you, I have such an ache in my heart and such a desperate feeling because I can almost hear your voice but know that you are not there anymore - not anywhere but in my heart.

Thank you for the special times that we did have together.  I will always miss you.  If you are somewhere, I hope you are with all who are gone and who loved you.

Love you
Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 18th August 2014

"Dear Mummy

Time is flying by so fast!  Already 345 day's since we last talked.  Yet it feels like yesterday!  You were here.  You used to worry about me like babaji did.  And now you are gone.  How is it even possible?  There are times when I feel a nice breeze on my walk or enjoy a show, and I wish you could be there to share it.  Last year is like such a nightmare!  In January you said you felt good enough to go to India but that was not to be!  I would like to remember the time you came home in July after a long stay in the hospital because you were truly happy then.  It showed!  But that was for such a brief time.  

I am so sorry that you didn't get to have your favorite Mexican chips in the end.  That was an awful restaurant we went to on that last Thursday after Dr. Rahko's appointment.  I thought of you when Chris and I were in Cambridge and ate at a Mexican place.  You would have loved that food!  

You will forever live on in my heart.  But I wish you were here so I could give you a hug.

Love you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 11th August 2014

"Dearest Mummy

I miss you and am so alone.  Can you come, hold my hand and take me with you?  You said you knew my heart well.  then you must know where I am at this moment.  You promised to walk with me when you were stronger.  I still remember that like yesterday.

Missing you.
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 29th July 2014

"Dear Mummy

I let the first 26th of July pass and didn't think about the exact time last year when you probably had one of the worst days of your life.  That is the day of the last entry in your diary.  I know you would not want me to think of the heartaches you have had and definitely would not want me to talk about the difficult times but I do it anyway.  I will try to remember what you would have wished and try to remember the good times you had and we shared.  There were lots.  There were all those vacations we took together back in India and here.  I will try to remember that I was lucky to have you for longer than others who lost their Moms at earlier age.  I will try to remember you with a smile.

But I miss you so much.

Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 21st July 2014

"Dear Mummy

It is so hard; harder than I thought it would be - to live without you.  Not that I was able to ever imagine it - though I tried.  Sometimes when I think o fall the things I didn't do; all the hugs I didn't give, I can't breathe.  You said in one of your letters that you wrote to me in 2003 that you want me to be happy.  How do I do that?  I miss you so.  And I regret so many things.  I wish I could see you well and happy in my Dream one day.  Last night I thought of you for a long time when I went to bed and hoped to see you in my Dream because I fell asleep thinking of you, but you didn't come.  

It is so strange - sometimes I wonder if you were ever real.  Will I ever forget your face?  Will it hurt less at some point?  The thought hurts me more.  I don't want the pain to go away and I don't want to forget your face.  In the pictures of July 7, you look so lovely.  The picture seems to grow more beautiful every time I look at it.  Thank you for this gift.  I wonder if that was the glow as the end was near.  

Wish I could hug you once again.

Love you
Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 9th July 2014

"Dear Mummy

For some reason I am missing you even more today.  You have been gone 10 months and a day.  Where are you?  Just come back and give me a hug once again.  How do I live without you?  You were Home to me.  When you were here, I felt like my World was much bigger.  Now it has become 2-person small.

Love you - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th July 2014

"Dearest Mummy

It is July 8th today, 5:45am.  Just about exactly 10 months since you have been gone.  10 long months and yet it is like yesterday when we sat together; when I held your hand; tried to massage your feet that hurt.  When I look at your picture or just think of you, sometimes my heart aches.  Wish I could see you once again.  Will I?

Missing you.
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 4th July 2014

"Dear Mummy

Shirodkar Aunti and Uncle came for a visit with Papa on Wednesday, two days ago.  When I came back home, I looked up from the car window and for a minute I was confused.  I thought you were standing at the door of the house and looking out.  Aunti was wearing similar clothes as you and it just confused me.  I wish...

I miss you more every day.  Come and see me in my dreams, mummy.  Come and tell me that you can still see me.  

Love you
Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 18th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

I was just thinking of something and it made me smile.  My crazy and fearless Mom!  Sometime in 2012 when I was returning to MD, you and papa dropped me off at the airport.  As I sat in the lobby, I thought I heard my name on the intercom.  I thought I would walk over and see what that was about.  What do I see!  The Security Officer smiled and told me that your Mom wants to give you money.  I looked over and there you were.  You forgot to give me the money you always gave me whenever I left WI.  So you came back all the way upto the Security and asked them to call me over!  I would have been too timid to do anything like that!  But not you...You were funny...I sit with your picture on my other monitor and it looks so real - you know, the one from July.  I think that the picture grows more beautiful every day.  It is like you are sitting there looking at me.

I wish you could come and give me a hug.
Love you - Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 18th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

I wish you were coming with papa today.  I miss you more every day.  Every thing is so different now.  I remember those times when we talked on phone and you sounded like all was well.  It gave me false sense of security of you being happy and that made me feel happy, at peace and a light-hearted feeling.  I will never experience that happiness again.

Who will make kheer for me?  And matthri?  Kajoo for Chris?  And all the delicious meals you made?  Most of all I miss the sense of security that you are just a phone call away. Miss your voice.  Miss your 'happy, happy' song.

Yours Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 9th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

Today I am thinking of last June when you were better.  They should not have sent you to the hospital for low sugar.  You would have been ok if they left you alone.  If I were there, I would have stopped you from being taken.  Next day after releasing you when they recalled you, I still remember your words on the phone - 'mujhe to theek hi lug raha hai, per yeh keh rahai hai to chali jaati hoon'.  I wish... I wish.. I could go back in time and fix that mistake.  I knew if you went to hospital again, you would not come back.  You nearly did not; and you suffered so much in the following two months.  

I failed you mummy.  I failed you so many times.  I wish I knew what I know now...

How do I go on knowing all this; and knowing that I can't fix anything?  Give me some of the strength that you used to have.  Help me mummy.

Love you and missing you

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 9th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

It has been 9 months and a day since I last talked to you.  You carried me for 9 months and now it has been just as long since I touched you; talked to you.  That last evening with you on the bench - I wish I made more time so that we could have more of those.  Even at that time, it never occurred to me that you would be gone and that you won't be there at that time the next day!  Can you see me from somewhere?  Will I see you again?

We went to watch bike race on Saturday and biking yesterday.  It was such a beautiful day on Saturday - I thought of you often and was sad that you could not experience it.  I loved the smile that lit up your face on those times when stressed left you and you were happy.  I miss that very much.

Love you - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 5th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

I just passed by that little niche where I used to go to talk with you in the last couple of years that I have been here at work.  I had such a strong wish to hear your voice again.  I can almost hear you whenever I pass by saying 'mein tayyar ho rehi hoon hospital jane kei liyai'; 'mawana mein phone ker degi aaj?  abhi ker di; nehi to dair ho jayaigi'.  You were so anxious for me to call them last Rakhi - because you knew, didn't you, that that was your last.  I miss you so much mummy.  

Bridget told me today that her grandmother passed away last Monday and that she was in lot of pain.  It saddens me so much.  I know what she is going through.

Oh mummy, where are you?  I wish I knew you were somewhere.  I wish I could see you again - even if just for a few minutes.  I would give you a big hug and tell you how much I love you.  But you knew that I loved you.  I know you did.

Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd June 2014

"Dear Mummy

I had a dream of you last night but you were very sick.  Still you sounded your usual self - calm and strong.  What do these dreams mean?  Why do you still seem to be suffering?  I want to see you well and smiling again.  

I wish I could see you again.  I often look in my rear view mirror when I am driving to look at the back seat where you used to sit.  But you are never there anymore.  It is so odd to think of you as gone!  How can the World exist without you in it?  I can still see you - feel you so close.

Missing you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 2nd June 2014

"Dear Mummy

We went to DC this weekend.  I thought of you often because it WS just about 10 months ago - on July 26th 2013, that was such a terrible day for you.  I was in DC that day also but didn't feel anything when you were probay crying and must have felt so humiliated and trapped.  Why didn't I feel it when I loved you so?  Oh mummy, I think of that day often and then of such a different kind of day in early July when you and I went back to ICU so we could give the thank you card to Ryan and staff for giving you a chance at second life.  I had not seen you so interested in things as you were then.

You never talked about your feelings, your fears much - probably because you thought no one was listening.  But I was listening and I am sorry that I seemed like I didn't understand.
I did but in my need to make you feel better, I tried to make light of things.  I know you thought I didn't understand.  I wish I let you talk more and understood that you needed someone to just listen.  

I regret so many things.  How do I go on?  How can I possiy make it right now that you are gone?  It is still so strange to think of you as gone.  How can it be that you will never call me again.  I wish we had more times like the one we had in the hospital when you and I sat in the lounge area when you finally shared what Gauri said to you.  You also talked a little about nanaji and naniji.  That's when I finally understood why you didn't want Gauri's help with anything.  I wish we had more times of just you and me.  Another time I remember was when you and I sat at McDonalds and shared fries.  

Last year was so bad and you became unusually quiet.  I think you had given up - even though you promised me you would not.   You packed all your summer clothes and put them away.  Oh mummy, how I wish I could have you back one more day- may be just one more hour.  I want to see your smile again that lit up your face when you were happy.

Will I see you again

Yours forever

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 28th May 2014

"Dear Mummy

I thought of you yesterday when I was taking a train to come back to New Carrollton metro.  You must have taken the same train so long ago when you owned that shop in Rosslyn.  Wonder if you sat in the same seat.  I hope you knew how proud I am of you for having done all that you did.  You are forever in my heart and I miss you so very much.  If I could only be certain of seeing you again some day!  

I wish I could give you one more hug.  I wasn't prepared to let you go yet.  My brain knew but heart did not.  How is it even possible that you are gone!  I can still hear your voice.  I look at the urn and wonder how you could possibly have foreseen that it will be sitting on the dresser !  I would have never imagined it.  So many times I tried to imagine what it will be like to live in a World without you but I could never imagine it.  You used to say 'Hamein baandh ke rakh legi Kya?'.  I wish I could.  But you slipped out so quietly.  No Goodbyes, no tears...  Just slipped away.  

I love you.  And miss you.
Yours forever - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 13th May 2014

"Found this at Kathy's Blog -- She so well expresses how I feel --
Love, Gudia

I Missed You Today

I missed you today.
You were in my thoughts.
Your death weighing heavily
on my heart.

I missed you today
so I bought a balloon.
It said Thinking of You

I missed you today.
I took the balloon to the park,
kissing it twice, I whispered I love you, Mom
and then let it go.

I missed you today
as I watched the balloon
drifting silently away,
and I wish I could have handed it to you."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 13th May 2014

"Dear Mummy

I am in a panic this morning - just sort of anxiety.  Did what happened on July 26th cause you to give up?  Timeline works.  You kept saying 'do hafte mein duniya he badal gayee'.  Just around the time you were having one of the worst days, I was in DC at the art museum!  When I love you so much, why didn't I feel your pain?  I should have felt that something was wrong.  It was not until I read your diary...  That was the last entry and you drew a line at the end of it as if to say that was the end.  Oh how you must have felt!!  I can only imagine.  I am so sorry that I was not there to protect you.  I wish I made you stay with me instead of letting you go to Wisconsin.

There can be no forgiveness for me or anybody else involved.  Your life is over.  But not really.  I will keep you safe in my heart for as long as I live.  After 249 days I miss you as if you just went away.  You are my Mom and you will be with me, always.

I promise to send a.balloon up for you at every important day.  I want to find some meaningful way to keep your memory alive for others.  I hope that St Mary's Hospital will use the fund in your memory to help elderly.  But I will keep thinking of what you may have wanted.  Come in my dream and tell me.  It been a long time!

Missing you
Yours Forever.

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 11th May 2014

"Happy Mother's Day, Mummy.
The First of the many more to come when you are and would be absent.  But not really absent.  You live in our hearts and noone can take you away from there as long as we live.  You are safe there and nobody can hurt you.  

I hope you liked the balloons that Papa and we sent you.  Could you see them flying up and up toward where you may be.  Are you somewhere?  Show me a sigh mummy.  Come and tell me if you are somewhere...

Chris and I took what is left of you in physical form with us, for a walk.  We followed the steps that you and I took in September of 2012 when you were here last.  I think of you often whenever I drive by to and from home.  But then I think of you very often - almost all the time.

I miss you.  I missed calling you this morning when you would answer the phone.  I would say 'Happy Mothers Day'.  You would say 'Thank you...  Are you going out?  You should go out and have lunch somewhere'.  I have few of your messages that I listen to sometimes.

You knew I would miss you so much, didn't you?  I love you mummy.  I didn't say it often but I know that you knew it.  

Happy Mothers Day again.
Love you and Miss you --
Yours always, Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th May 2014

"Just about at this time 8 months ago, dearest mummy, you left us.  I can hardly believe it.  244 days since I heard your voice!  How is it even possible?  You didn't like to go anywhere alone.  When I asked you last year just about this time to come away with me to Maryland for a change, you said you couldn't leave papa.  But then you went away so quietly never to return.  Did you try to call our names and we didn't hear?  I wish I had been with you Friday night.  You must have felt such fear and humiliation.  I wish I could protect you.  

Will I see you again?  And babaji ammaji?  How do I go on without you?  I try to remember you saying "happy, happy' and sometimes it makes me smile.

I hope you are safe and happy where you are.  Give me a sign that you are.

Missing you

This tribute was added by sushil bansal on 6th May 2014

"Meet you again
Saroj do you remember me?
I have no need to remember you because you are my heart.
I forget the smiling and lost my heart. Want to come to you
But only one thing keep me away from you. When I will think
That that does not need me, I will come to you.
I know we will meet again, may be in different face and may not
think that we met in past, but will meet again.
Waite till then.
Your life partner who did not talk to you ad busy with computer
See you again"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 5th May 2014

"Mummy - Wapas aa jao. Tumhari bahut yaad aati hai.

Missing you - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 4th May 2014

"I missed you so much mummy.  I am sorry I did not visit you yesterday.  I have been so upset - I miss you and worry about papa.  We went to Cambridge this weekend for a bike ride.  Yesterday we left hotel around 6:30 and I did not think to visit you in hurry and because so much has been on my mind.  I am so sorry.  I think of you all the time but...  After the bike ride, Chris and I had a little tiff and I was very upset.  This morning as we were leaving the hotel, it was such a nice weather and I thought that if you and papa were with me, we could stay around the resort a little longer and may be taken a walk.  I used to think - even last year when we were there that sometime I would like to bring you both to that resort.  It is beautiful!  You would love the place.  We never had enough money to go to places such as this.  When I go to nice places, I always miss you even more.  

I love you mummy.  From now on I promise to always visit you every day.  I don't like to miss a day and not say hello to you.

I will wait for you on Mother's Day in my Dreams.

I was talking to papa earlier today and he misses you too.  He said that you went at the right time or you would be upset to see him like this.  You would have been mad at me as I am sometimes.  He can walk.  Bridget and other therapists say so.  But for some reason he likes to just sit.  May be you can yell at him in one of his dream and make him stand up and do what is needed.  

Love you.

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 1st May 2014

"Dear Mum

Mother's Day month has begun.  How will we get through without a Mom?  Chris and I are both without a mother now.  Will you come in my dream?  Why did you stress about worthless people so?  I wish you didn't and were still with us.

I think of you all the time.  

Love you and missing you

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 29th April 2014

"Oh I am so sorry, Mum.  I forgot to leave a note for you yesterday when I visited.  Did you miss it? 235 days without you!  I miss the days when you and papa used to come and pick me up at the airport.  I miss the days when I knew you were there and that I could call you whenever I wanted.  

Why didn't you tell me how bad things were at home so long ago??  We could have lived together - the three of us.  Oh Mummy, how do I live my life with that knowledge now?  I know you wanted me to be happy but how will I ever smile a happy smile like before?  There were times when I was stressed out because of your troubles but there were also those times when you made me feel like you were happy - or at least well - and on those occasions I would feel so light and happy.  

If you are somewhere and are happy again with babaji ammaji and others again, give me a sign.  Will I see you again?


This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 29th April 2014

"Dear Mum

Will you come in my dreams on Mother's Day? I want to see your smiling face and hear you sing out 'Happy, happy' again!  I remember how you used to sing all the time.  Someone stole your smile away and I hope that they will have their day.  

I love you and miss you...

Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 27th April 2014

"Dear Mummy
I just came back from a bike ride.  You always used to ask 'kitni door chalaya?'.  Now noone asks anything.  I miss you so much.  Chris's Mom was just behind you.  Chris misses her a lot too.  I saw you in my dream yesterday.  I was fighting with you again :-)  I wish you could be at the other end of the phone just once more.


This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 2nd April 2014

"Dear Mummy

Why does it still feel so unreal that you are gone?  Whenever I look at that one picture of yours - you know the one where your face is brightened with laughter - that moment when you knew peace - every time I look at it and tell myself that you are gone, it hurts with a pang in my heart.  Chris's mom is also gone.  I miss her so much too.  Just come back for a few minutes and let me hold you.

Thanks for that time on the bench.  Even as we sat there and you were so weak, I did not think that you would be gone.  

Missing you
Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 31st March 2014

"Dear Mummy

I wish you were here today.  I am sick with cold and something like flu.  You would have make a fuss and I would have been annoyed.  But now I only wish you were here to make a fuss.  If you come back and do that, I promise to never be cross with you.

Missing you.
Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 25th March 2014

"Dear Mummy

It is going to be 200 days tomorrow without you!  I miss you and miss your voice.  Sometimes I listen to old messages that you left.  Sometimes I feel an urge to call you and then remember that you are beyond where phone call can reach.  When you used to try to talk to me about how your days were coming to a close, I used to get mad.  I just could not imagine a day without you.  I am sorry that I did not listen.  I am sorry that I was trying to protect myself and did not understand that you needed someone to lean on.  You were scared and sad for having to leave us.  You were sad for having to leave me.  I loved you so much and I always will love you.  I wish I could have you back just for an hour so I could just listen to all you have to say; so I could hold you and hug you.

Miss you - Your's forever, Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th March 2014

"Dear Mummy

6 Months today without you...
I miss you so very much.  Every time I drive by our street, I see the sid walk where we took our last walk in October 2012.  I can almost see you there walking with me.  I miss that.  I wish we got to take one more walk... Thursday (March 6th) as I was sitting in the train to come home, I thought for a moment that I saw you in the Sr. Seat smiling and talking with someone.  

Love you, wherever you are.
Yours, always - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 16th February 2014

"Mummy -- You called me in my dream on the night of 14th.  I asked you how you were because you didn't sound very well.  You said 'I feel better than before'...  That is all the conversation we had.  I wish I could see you...  Love, Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 14th February 2014

"Happy Valentines Day, Mummy.
You didn't leave me an address where I can send you flowers.  You shouldn't have left me so soon.

Missing you

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 13th February 2014

"Dear Mummy

It is so cold this year, so unusually cold!  If you were still with us, how would you have managed with the IV?  I often think about it.  I wish they didn't send you to hospital in June for low sugar.  You may still be around if it wasn't for that.  I knew that next hospital visit would be fatal.  You were left alone in the hospital and that was a mistake too.  I wish I had been in WI then.  

I miss you so much.  Now Chris's mom is gone too.  Noone to send Mother's Day card to.

Come and visit me in my dream soon.

Love you - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th February 2014

"Dear Mummy

Today we said Our final GoodBye to Chris's Mom.  5 months ago on this day, I lost you.  And today on the very same day, bid her last farewell.  We lost her on the 1st.  now we dont have anyone to call Mummy or Mom.  You always used to ask about her.  Now she is with you - if there is somewhere to be after life.  I miss you so much.  I missed so much time with her because both you and papa kept me busy last year.  I wasn't able to spend any time with her.  I miss you both so very much.  

Loving and Missing you...
Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd February 2014

"And this --

    When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

    When tomorrow starts without me, And I’m not there to see; If the sun should rise and find your eyes, All filled with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn’t cry, the way you did today; While thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.

    I know how much you love me, As much as I love you; and each time that you think of me, I know I’ll miss you too; But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand, That an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand, And said my place was ready, in heaven far above, And that I’d have to leave behind, All those I dearly love.

    But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye; For all my life I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die. I had so much to live for, So much yet to do, It seemed almost impossible, That I was leaving you.

    I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad, I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

    If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while, I’d say goodbye and kiss you, And maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized, That this could never be, For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

    And when I thought of wordly things I might miss come tomorrow, I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

    But when I walked through heaven’s gates, I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, From his great golden throne, He said, “This is eternity, And all I’ve promised you.” Today for life on earth has passed, But here it starts anew. I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last, And since each day’s the same way, There’s no longing for the past.

    But since you have been so faithful, So trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things, You knew you shouldn’t do. But you have been forgiven, And now at last you’re free. So won’t you take my hand, And share my life with me.

    So when tomorrow starts without me, Don’t think we’re far apart, For every time you think of me, I’m right here, in your heart.

    Author Unknown"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd February 2014

"Dear Mummy

I found this poem somewhere today.  I thought that this is something like you would say...

Love, Gudia

When I'm Gone

When I’m gone to the end of my journey and I travel my last weary mile. Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned, and only remember the smile. Forget unkind words I have spoken, remember some good I have done. Forget that I ever had heartache and remember I had lots of fun. Forget that I’ve stumbled and blundered and sometimes fell by the way. Remember I have fought some hard battles and won, eve the close of the day. Then forget to grieve for my going, I would not have you sad for a day. But in summer just gather some flowers and remember the place where I lay, and come in the shade of evening. When the sun paints the sky in the west, stand for a few moments beside me and remember only the best."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 1st February 2014

"Dear Mummy

It hurt me to turn the page of the Calendar as we are in February now.  Without you... time still keeps on moving.

Chris's Mom is coming to join you soon, it looks like.  Watching her is like watching you all over again.  I keep getting confused between her and you as I watch her.  I miss you so much.  And while it is time for her to go as she has suffered so much, it still hurts to say another Goodbye to another mother so soon...

Love you

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 30th January 2014

"Dearest Mummy

So many firsts without you!  Today is Chris's birthday and you are not there to call and wish him Happy Birthday or to sign his card.  You weren't there for mine.  First birthday without my mother - that was hard.  It is hard every day.  I think of you almost all the time.  

It looks like papa is a little better.  How happy you would have felt.  You would have probably tried sitting in car with him at the wheel again - without it moving.  You wanted so badly for him to get back to be the way he was.  

I was thinking that last year at this time you were feeling a little better and you were both planning a visit to India (secretly from me, of course because you knew I would be afraid for you).  Little did you know that in less than a month your lives would forever be altered!  I could and still can feel your anguish at losing your room, your life as you knew it for so many years and having to depend on people who looked down on you.  I wish you came to stay with me for few days.  It would have done both of us lot of good.  I wish...

Missing you.
Love, Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th January 2014

"My Mummy -- Where have you gone?  I miss you more than I can tell you and probably more than you thought I would.  You worried about what would happen to me when you were gone; so why were you in such a hurry to leave us?  123 days so far without talking to you!  Come to me in my Dreams...  I tried to keep you around - tried so hard.  But the fuss made you angry, didn't it?  

Who would make kheer for me?  Mathri and sel?  Papa and I were talking about it.  I will never get to eat them again!  Just like ammaji's alu-ka-halwa!  I can still taste and smell it but never will I ever get to eat it again.  

Oh mummy, it hurts so much when I think of that last week.  It hurts even more to think of those days after papa's hospitalization.  I should have listened to Seema jeeji's advise and taken care of you instead of staying with him.  He had several people looking out for him.  But you were so alone.  That night when I called from Maryland to talk to you, you were so frustrated and you were crying because you felt so alone and ridiculed.  I think of that it hurts my soul.  I should have hugged you and kept you close.  But now you have gone so far away. Will I ever see you again?  I want to believe that I would see you; and ammaji bababji; and tauji, chachaji and Bala taiji.  I still feel a pang when I think of you gone - it is so strange not having you some place around in this World!  Come back...

Love, your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 1st January 2014

"Happy New Year, Mummy.
You are safe in my Heart and in my memories.  I was afraid of facing New Year for fear of leaving you behind in 2013 and moving on.  But as someone pointed out that as every second passes, it becomes a memory.  Also that a parent never really leaves its children.  So you will never leave me.  I am a part of you and you will always be with me.  I wish you were here so I could touch you and I miss you.

This year of 2013 has been a very bad year.  It still feels unreal and you feel like you are only a phone call away.  But you are much farther away.  Never will you call me again.  Never will the phone ring and I will hear your voice at the other end!

I love you, mummy.


This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 25th December 2013

"Happy 55th Anniversary, mummy.  I was with you in Wisconsin at this time last year.  We were probably fighting :-)

We miss you.  Hope you will see the balloons, if you are somewhere, that we are going to be sending off to you today.

Love, Papa, Gudia & Chris"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 19th December 2013

"Dear Mummy

Papa is coming here without you for the first time.  I miss you more than I can say.  But you know that if you are somewhere and are looking down on us.  I can hear you say in that singing tone 'happy, happy...'.  

Give us the strength to go on without you and think of you with a smile on our faces.  We love you.


This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 4th December 2013

"January 30, 2015

It has been 510 days since we sat on her favorite bench and she promised to walk with me when she was stronger...

But then she faded away.  Now she lives in my heart."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 2nd December 2013

"Dear Mummy

Another visit to WI without you there. I looked for you everywhere - on your side of the bed, at the dining room table; on the sofa.  I looked for you at your favorite bench outside the house.  But you were not anywhere except in my heart.  In the morning when I went into the kitchen, I could hear you walking around.  I always think of you when I peal a boiled egg.  I always told you how to do it right and you always ignored me :-)

I miss our fights.  I miss worrying about you.  I miss lecturing you.  You knew I would miss you so much; why did you leave me?

Papa misses you a lot.  He is never good at expressing his feelings but I know that he misses you.  Come to his dreams and tell him that you understand now; give him the strength that he needs to get back on his feet again.  You had such inner strength that allowed you to be independent until the very end.  Show him the way to good health again.  I can't do it mummy.  You used to get so mad at me whenever I tried to lecture him.  Come to my dream and tell me you are somewhere watching over us.  Tell me that Tim is right; that you know how much you are loved.  Now is first time I regret not having any children because it is the end with me of your legacy - I have noone to pass it on to.

I love you and miss you.

This tribute was added by Chhavi & Maitrie Bansal on 27th November 2013

"Dear Amma,

Life is the greatest gift that God has given us. And we are really happy that you are a part of our life.

We really miss you Amma, your smile too. Please come back, hum aapko jaane nahi deti.

But don’t worry we will meet you someday, in heaven where eternal happiness stay.

So cheer up Bua, you’re not alone. We are with you!!

And one more thing, Amma gave us such a beautiful gift, do you know what: It's YOU!


With lots of love: Chhavi and Maitrie"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 27th November 2013

"Dear mummy -- I was hoping you would come in my dream and wish me a happy day today, but...  This is my first without you.  I miss you, mummy.  You would have called me to wish me in another hour.  But you will never call me again... Come and sit with me again in my dream, mummy.  That is the birthday present I want.

Love you... Gudia"

This tribute was added by Jan & Dick Lenes on 19th November 2013

"Sarog was such a joy to be around.  We only knew her for about 6 months and she was a delightful person.  Dick had been scheduled to drive her he had recently fallen suffering a concussion and was not able to drive her so I did.   She was always so concerned about him and he would ride along at times.  She never complained, always had a smile on her face and so sweet and gentle.  When she wasn't able to go for exercise any longer, we were starting to drive Sushil to various things and she would always wave as he left and greet us.  We truly were blessed to have known her.  We miss you.."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 15th November 2013

"Dear Mummy - the other day I found the book papa handed to me - between you and me, daughter.  At the time, I just took a cursory look at it and put it away.  When I opened it now, I saw it was from you!  Oh how happy you would've been if I returned it 'as soon as possible' as you wrote in it.  I was too busy lecturing you on the wisdom of eating better.  What good is to say, sorry, now? - love, Gudia"

This tribute was added by sushil bansal on 11th November 2013

"Come back and light up my heart."

This tribute was added by sushil bansal on 11th November 2013

"My light you are and now is dark every where. Yes, it is true I never showed you and talked as you want but it is also true that you were my life and were with me for 54 years 8 months and 12 days and we passed our good as well as our bad days together. For the last 20 years there was not a single day when we were not together. I missed you very much and my heart is full of your memories."

This tribute was added by Anju & Pratap Thakur on 8th November 2013

"Dear Aunty

Istill remember you when I saw you first-strong n healthy person.,and when saw you at my place in Solan-cheerful and active person and lastly after years when we skyped.Though you were week but it never appeared that you will leave all of us so early.We miss you aunty-Anju"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 6th November 2013

"Dear Mummy

I miss you every day.  It has been 60 days since you and I sat outside the house on that favorite bench of yours.  How frail was your voice by then!  I wish you could come back so I could give you one more hug. Thank you for giving me the gift of life and love. Love - Gudiya."

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