- 75 years old
- Date of birth: Sep 14, 1937
- Place of birth:
Mawana, Dist. Meerut, U.P., India
- Date of passing: Sep 8, 2013
- Place of passing:
Fitchburg, Wisconsin, United States
|"Forget I ever had Heartache; Remember I had lots of fun.."
"I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end"
Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in the memory of my dear Mummy., Saroj Bansal who was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure. She developed that as a result of Chemo in 1998 and would eventually succomb to it. She will live on in our Hearts forever.
Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.
She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters). Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke. My Mom was only 18. She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she died. So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age. She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage which would last over 53 years. They lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.
We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977. Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here. Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life we do. She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993. Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs. The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.
After my father's stroke in February 2013, she was left in very vulnerable situation and she felt very much alone and lonely. Her depression got worse. In June one fatal night she was advised to take Insulin when her sugar was already very low. This sent her to ER the next day and there she had some episode which caused her Heart to almost stop. She spent 11 days in Cardiology ICU at UW as none of the medicines would work anymore for her heart. Finally they sent her home with Milrinone, a medicine that she had to take via portable IV. But she never complained as this medicine made her heart squeeze better than it had in years! She felt so good as soon as they started her on this medication. She felt hunger - something that she had not felt in years. And she was happy. The picture on the top banner is from July 2013, just after she returned from ICU. She looked and felt very well and happy. But it lasted only couple of weeks. Then the medicine stopped working and she would not recover. She suffered a great deal in her last three weeks - both because lack of heart function (10% now) caused something that made her feel very very bad; and also because once she got better, she was so happy and wanted to live and had hoped to be around for some time longer. Her strength faded away day by day. And around 11:00pm on the night of September 7th, she stood for the last time. She was in such distress! We gave her the sleeping pill since she asked for it. I loved her more than life itself but at that moment, I did not want her to wake up the next day. She would have had trouble time breathing. And one thing that she was terrified of was of being sent to a nursing home. And I did not want that for her. She fell asleep around 12:30. Between 4:30 and 5am on September 8th, she slipped away just when we turned the lights off for half-an-hour. My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet. This is all so unreal. She used to say - "wouldn't it be nice to come back and see what people would say about me..." I wonder if she can see us.
She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home. Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place.
She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son Ashish, his wife and two of their daughters; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla.
I was just thinking of those mornings when you weren't feeling strong enough to take the regular longer walk. You would go on a short walk and Papa and I would go in the opposite direction for the longer one. I regret now why we didn't walk with you first and then went on for more after dropping you back home. I used to turn around and look back at you then and think 'one day she will disappear' - but my heart never believed or imagined a World without you in it. Not until you were gone. Always live in my heart...
Love you and miss you.
Wherever you were, there was home. Somehow I can still feel a kind of security wall around me whenever I think of you... I saw you in my dreams twice yesterday - very short dream - but you were there, once walking to a train station with me in a dark snowy night and in a hotel in second one. May be you are still watching out for me.
Miss you so very much
2 Years and 11 months today since you and I sat together... I remember your touch and your sound of voice just like yesterday. I feel like you are so close, so close... I saw you in my dream yesterday. We were on a trip somewhere. I need you to come and walk with me again. I miss you so much. Miss the kheer... Sel... your smile and just plain arguing with you...
"You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and Mummy
Then my world was shattered
Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here
Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could
Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try"
1000 Days since you and I sat together! How can it be? At the time, it never occurred to me that you would be with me for only 12 more hours! I don't know why but it didn't seem possible to be in a World without you. But I am not without you, am I? I know you, just like Babaji and Ammaji are always in my heart and I know you are always somewhere close to me.
Still I wish so much that I could hear your voice just one more time!
I miss you so very much. I know you wanted me to be happy and I try. When I think of us, you always seem like you were here just yesterday. Even when I look at babaji, ammaji's pictures, I can smell the smell of the day.
I saw you in my dream two days ago. You were driving to go to your programming job :-) It is good to see you healthy and happy - even if in my dreams.
Love you and miss you.
"Happy Mother's Day Mummy!
I missed your voice today; I missed not being able to call you and say "Happy Mother's Day". You would say in your smiling voice "Thank you! You and Chris, go and have a nice lunch somewhere today". I missed you today; just like every day.
Happy Mother's Day to you; to Ammaji; and to Naniji. I hope you are with them and are happy.
I wish you would come in my dream again and take a walk with me. I miss walking with you; regret not spending more time with you; regret talking more than listening to you. you always wanted to talk but had become so quiet in those last few months. I am sorry Mummy that I didn't listen; didn't hug you more.
I love you Mummy. Come again in my dream.
Love you and Miss you.
Now I understand what you were trying to explain to me and could not. I can see without the rose-colored glasses now and know what you were talking about. I miss you every day so much and wish I could sit with you just one more time and have that heart-to-heart that you longed for; a hug that I long for...
One day I will see you in my dream again and may be then we will talk...
Tum thi tow...
"Happy Valentines Day, Mummy!
Hope you can see the flowers I sent for you and papa.
I miss you so much. Help us be strong. You had so much strength.
I read your old letters that I had forgotten about and feel such love and my heart aches. I miss our walks; and talks; You missed me so much when I went to India for few weeks. Now you have been gone for 2 year, 5 months and 7 days!
We miss you; I miss you so much.
When I close my eyes and go back in time thinking of you, that is a safe place. I have found some of your old letters dating from 1987 when I went to India for a visit to 2005. I had forgotten about those; I wish I found them when you were still here. They are my treasure. I also feel a deep heart ache while reading them. Last so many of years were just full of worry about you and your illness that all else that was important and all else that you felt about me and wanted kind of got lost.
Wish I could give you a hug. Come and walk with me one more time...
Miss you and love you
You would have called this morning 'happy new year'!
I miss you today... just like always. Miss your voice; and touch. I can still feel it, when I think of it, the roughness of your feet and the warmth of your hands. Chris says he can feel it when he thinks of his Mom. Hope you two are together somewhere...
Happy New Year.
Three years ago, on December 25, 2012, I was with you in Wisconsin. At this time that day (7:27am), we probably just finished breakfast and you were probably asking what to cook for lunch.
57 years ago - at just-turned 21, on this day you were getting ready to start your new life with Papa in Meerut! Sab Kuch kitna badal gaya hai na...
We made Pizza that day for dinner at home.
I was with you then. I am missing you today. Where can I send your present on this X-Mas Wedding Anniversary?
I dreamt of you last night - you put very little food on your plate and I was fussing at you. Few nights ago in my dream, you were driving a motor-cycle and I sat behind you and we were going down-hill and were scared :-)
Happy Anniversary and X-Mas, wherever you are...
With Loving Memories
Sab kuch kitna badal gaya hai! - You said this to me once and I can see you sitting on the sofa and the way you looked. If I could, I would give you a big hug and let you cry on my shoulder. I feel what you felt then. I was just too busy to get up at the time. I wish...
Miss you so much
We talked 821 days ago on this day - you and I, sitting at the bench. Still I didn't think you would leave me - it was such an incomprehensible thing to exist in a World without you.
Come and give me a hug today. I can still feel the touch of your hands; your feet. I hope to always keep that feeling close to my heart.
Love you and miss you.
We were closer than anyone can be - physically and emotionally - on this day so many years ago. You held me for the first time. Now you are a part of me - my heart.
Still I wait for your call...
Miss you so very much
"Happy Diwali, Mum...
You would have done pooja and cooked lots of food.
I miss you so much.
Mamaji is with you now. "Surro, dollar dai dai...". My last connection with you in India - and what may be last 'home' in India is gone with him. Give me a sign that you are together somewhere.
Love you and miss you
"I turned on my cell camera,
for a quick glance at me,
Just to make sure I looked all right.
No, I would never take a selfie.
But my heart skipped a beat
as I saw the image reflected in the screen.
A glimpse of my mom's face,
was not what I expected to see.
Always been combo of Mom and Dad,
a mix of their features reflected in my face.
Dad's dark brown eyes stood out most,
but now I see more of my mom as I age.
Like mother, like daughter,
everyone says about my little girl and me.
But like mother, like daughter with my mom,
wasn't something I was expecting to be.
So now I honor my mom
in more than just was I say and do.
Mom, I am aging and changing
and my features are beginning to reflect more of you. -- Kathy"
"She's everywhere as an angel,in the wind that blows through your hair,her soul is a star that sparkles in the sky.the whif of her perfume you swear you just smelled,maybe she's the hummingbird that seemed to linger near just a little to long,the shadow you swore you just saw out of the corner of your eye,the flowers in bloom,but most important she's in your heart! She's in another dimension,the heavenly one,about three feet above our heads,so close yet so far,not fair is it?In the glimpse of happiness I had,thats when I seen her aura.I know the more upset we are the farther away they seem.It will seem like a blink of an eye to our Mom's when they see us again in our heavenly bodies.As angels they can go anywhere,some are more powerful then others.Maybe your trying to hard to see a sign,for I know as soon as You stop looking in someway she'll show you she's there,a feeling,a cold breeze,in your dreams. --Beachwalker33"
I am watching 'I Love Lucy' and thinking of you. You used to love watching the crazy lady :-)
I go to bed thinking that I will see you in my dreams tonight but its been so long! If only in dreams, I so long to see you; take a walk with you.
Love and miss you.
"Happy 78th Birthday, Mummy.
Did you get the balloons papa, Sarah, Jill and I sent for you?
We miss you
Lots of love
2 years is such a long time without talking to you. Wish you could come back just once again. I want to keep your memory fresh and worry that a day may come when my heart will ache a little less. But i doubt that such a day will come. I miss those days. You would have come to pick me up today.
Are you at peace now that we performed the ceremony? Now there is more empty space in the house. It must have been you who brought the sunshine in the midst of thunder storms that day on the 8th. Weather looked real bad but i knew you would make it better because you didn't like to go out in the rain.
And sure enough, the weather broke and sky totally cleared with lots of sunshine and nice breeze. You now rest in the Gulf of Mexico, 5 miles from Clearwater in front of the Anclote Key Light House. It is warmer weather there and you would have been much more comfortable in a place like that.
I didn't know (nobody did) when we made the trip to Florida in 1991 to see GRO launch and drove around Orlando, Miami, Clearwater, St. Petersburg and Treasure Islands that one day we will perform a ceremony like this for you. I didn't know you would leave us so soon. You could have easily be with us for at least another 10 years. What was the hurry? Come in my dreams, Mummy. I haven't taken a walk with you in so long.
Love you and miss you.
"People will walk in and walk out of your life, but the one whose footstep made a long lasting impression is the one you should never allow to walk out"
Alok Anika Ruchika & I remember you everyday& believe that you are in a peaceful place.
We used to talk every day! Now its been two years and a day since you said 'chal thodi dair gaadi mein chaley`. I miss you; miss your voice. I can still feel your touch as if it was just now when i think of it. Come take a walk with me again like you did on April 19th. I feel in my heart that you are still looking out for me.
Today we, as they say, 'set you free`. Will it make you happy? Are you somewhere and can see me? Give me a sign again like you did on Mothers Day.
I wish you were still with us. You were only 75. Too young to go! I muss you so much."
"Respected Tai ji,
We miss your absence. Wherever you are your blessings are with us.
In God’s care you rest above. In our hearts you rest with love.
Need you and your blessings always.
With lots of love: Chhavi and Maitrie"
Physically you might have disappeared but you are very much present somewhere near you dear ones ,specially around Shalini.Give her enough strength. We all remember you and pay tribute to you
Time is approaching fast to set you free. How will I be able to do it? Give me a sign if this is what you want. There is an empty space in the house and now there will be empty space where part of you now sits. Always stay in my heart until my end comes.
38 years ago on this day I wonder what you were doing. In a new place so far from everyone who loved us. But it must have been happy time too. The excitement of being in the US and seeing / learning new things. You would turn 40 in another week.
2 years ago this was the worst day of your life and I am so sorry that I wasn't there to be with you. I remember standing outside your room waiting for you to wake up. You got up and were so quiet... so quiet...
And now you will go to Clearwater tomorrow morning to be one with the Ocean. I will come and visit you every year there, I promise. Just to be where we all say goodbye to you. But in reality it can never be goodbye. You will always live on in my heart... always...
Love you and miss you
38 years ago, we came here together. I am sure you were busily making breakfast at this time in a new country; new place. We were missing babaji ammaji and others.We were together. Wish I could go back in time and have all that back again. Miss you so much.
I now wish I flew with you at least once again to go to India. Now you will fly with me to your final resting place in Clearwater, FL but in another form. You will always be in my heart. Is this what you would have wanted? I don't know but perhaps. Don't want to let go of what remains but your blood flows through my veins and you can never really be separated from me - that is my only consolation.
Its been 4 months today... Time for another walk.
I miss those times; and you;
Love, Your daughter"
"Thank you for being my mother, Mummy...
I miss you just like you thought I would. I didn't think I would miss you this much. Will I see you again?
Love, Your daughter"
"You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she’s gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she’d want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
By David Harkins"
Wonder what you were doing two years ago on this day at 4:55am - probably in bed and just waking up. How were you feeling? Was it a good day or bad? Miss you so much.
Its been 22 months and 22 days today since the last time you and I sat together. Still I can hear your voice so clearly when you said 'achcha' to my 'jab thodi taakar aa jaiygee, taw wahan tak chaleigai'. You knew, didn't you that we would never take that walk again? You didn't say much and went away so quietly. After a lifetime of being together; talking every day, you didn't say anything. I miss you. I saw you in my dream 3 days ago but it was very vague. Seemed like you went to a store and didn't come back even after 7-8 hours and in the back of my mind I was thinking that she is not coming back. I wanted to go back and look for you at the mall but didn't know where to search.
I miss you so much. I will have to let go of part of you that I have and thought would be buried with me when my time came. But I want to do make sure that you are taken care of - even though I didn't take care of you when you were around. But I need to do this last thing as I think you would have wanted it. But how will I let it go, I do not know.
Come in my dream and tell me how to bear this last loss...
How can I forget your heartaches? I try to and try to remember the happier times. I wish you didn't suffer so much. I wish a very loving family for you if you are to reborn somewhere. I hope to be born as your daughter again if you would want me. Nothing is the same now. You were 'home' to me and now that protection is no longer there.
I want to give you a hug. May be in my dreams some day when you come.
Miss you; love you.
I missed visiting you here yesterday because we were in DC and I did not have a way to do this. But I thought of you often. I thought of you specially when we were sitting at the sculpture garden watching the fountains. You said 'yeh achcha hai' and smiled when we took you there in 2011 or 12. I wish I took you there again.
Aaj tum hoti taw...
Miss you so much
I dreamt of you two nights ago; or may be it was early yesterday morning... It was strange in that you were living on your own somewhere. Papa went to visit with you. I remember thinking that there was no reason why you, Papa and I couldn't go on a cruise together even though you were living separately. Isn't that really weird. But still it gives me some peace of mind as it makes me feel like you must be well enough to live on your own and to be able to go on a cruise. If only we could... But then since you are in my heart, you will be wherever I am.
I miss you so...
You came in my dream this morning! You were looking so well. We baught two Saris for you, one blue with lots of zari work on it and another, I think, was golden color. We were somewhere and you were so interested in everything. You washed your face like you did when you were tired.
May be you are somewhere and getting better. May be we will be together again some time soon. I wonder if you are with Babaji and Ammaji.
Come again and stay with me longer in my dream.
Love you and miss you
You know what I am wishing for today. You know what's in my heart. Will I ever see you again so that we can talk about all these things?
I miss you so much. You used to be so interested in what I was doing and whether I got enough exercise; you always wanted to know how Chris's Mom was doing. You thought about so many of us even though you were so unwell. I miss that. I miss your voice when the phone rings and it is not you on the other side. I am staying at such a beautiful place today - biking week in Williamsburg with Chris. How you would have liked such a place! You would have really liked the hotel papa and I stayed at in April. He doesn't really like anything much. I think of 'yeh ghar sa laga hai' - when you said this as we were leaving the rental home during one of my visits. It was a nice big house and you did a lot of cooking. I miss your cooking - can you believe me saying that? I always loved your cooking; just wanted to spend more time with you talking than you cooking so much. Now I will never get to eat all those mathris, sel, kheer! And all those things. Most of all I miss the security that came from just being around you. You made every place feel like home.
I just miss you; your voice. Hope to see you again and walk with you soon in my dream. Thanks for that Petal you gave me on Mother's Day!
"Happy Mother's Day, Mummy...
I wish I had a way to call you and send flowers, but I don't.
I hope you are somewhere and know how much I miss you.
It is second Mother's Day without you already.
Will you come in my dream tonight and smile at me?
Thank you for the Petal!
Come and walk with me again...
I miss that. Miss hearing your voice. Come and smile at me one more time.
Thank you so much for the walk today... After 19 months and 12 days later on this Sunday, you came in my dream to give me that promised walk! You and I were walking somewhere and you looked better - still small - but better. I asked you if your feet were feeling better and you looked down at them and said 'yes'.
I like to think that may be you are somewhere and are getting better and stronger. And you came back to walk with me as you promised on that Saturday when we sat on the bench together.
Thank you! I feel happier today than I have in a long time. May be we will have more walks together.
Love you and miss you
Yours - Gudiya"
Yesterday I sat in your bench after almost 18 months and 20-some days later. Last time I sat on it, you were there with me and you promised that walk when you were better. I can still feel the touch of your gown and hear sound of your voice as you said 'achcha; chal thori dair gadi mein chalein'. Thank you for that last sit-together and ride.
Hope you can see that Papa is now driving again and wish you were here to share it with. It is very lonely without you. Miss your presence everywhere. But you are in our hearts and may be we will see you some day again.
I miss our walks together. Always be in my heart...
Love you, Gudiya"
"“You and I will meet again, When we're least expecting it, One day in some far off place, I will recognize your face, I won't say goodbye my friend, For you and I will meet again"
Sometime in 2013 you said 'sab kuch kitna badal gaya hai na'. I didn't pay much attention to it and just said 'haan'. But now I fully comprehend it -- 'sab kuch kitna badal gaya hai'.
I was just looking at your pictures and as I look, it hits me as so strange. How can it be that you are not here. You look so real. You are in my heart but I want to touch you one more time. Want to hear you sing out 'happy, happy...'.
I did not think that I would miss you this much. But you knew...
"1 year and a half without you today...
How is it even possible? There probably wasn't a day when we did not talk! I do hope you are somewhere, mummy... I hope you are somewhere with babaji ammaji; and naniji... I know you thought about her and felt her pain... Just like I feel yours.
So many things we didn't talk about and I now I won't have the chance. Where has all this time gone?
Love you and miss you today and always.
Yours - Gudiya"
It has been a year and a half today since you and I sat together. The day is as fresh in my memory as if it happened today. I can feel the softness of your gown and the touch of your feet when I put lotion on them. Papa is now driving. I wish you were here to see it. I know how it hurt you to have lost everything with his stroke. You promised me you would not give up. I should have been there for you to help you keep your promise. But all those months starting with his stroke are in such mist; time just went by and you never complained. I wish so much that I understood better; that I protected you more; that I hugged you more.
I miss you so much. I miss those walks we used to take when I came back from work when we lived in Temple Hills. How precious those days were...
Have a suggestion for us?