July 2013 - My Mom
Saroj Bala Bansal
  • 75 years old
  • Date of birth: Sep 14, 1937
  • Place of birth:
    Mawana, U.P., India
  • Date of passing: Sep 8, 2013
  • Place of passing:
    Fitchburg, Wisconsin, United States
If you only knew how much you are missed... Are you somewhere out there and can see us?

Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in the memory of my dear Mummy., Saroj Bansal who was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure.  She developed that as a result of Chemo in 1998 and would eventually succomb to it.  She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters).  Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke.  My Mom was only 18.  She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she died.  So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age.  She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage which would last over 53 years.  They lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977.  Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here.  Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life we do.  She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993.  Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs.  The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

After my father's stroke in February 2013, she was left in very vulnerable situation and she felt very much alone and lonely.  Her depression got worse.  In June one fatal night she was advised to take Insulin when her sugar was already very low.  This sent her to ER the next day and there she had some episode which caused her Heart to almost stop.  She spent 11 days in Cardiology ICU at UW as none of the medicines would work anymore for her heart.  Finally they sent her home with Milrinone, a medicine that she had to take via portable IV.  But she never complained as this medicine made her heart squeeze better than it had in years!  She felt so good as soon as they started her on this medication.  She felt hunger - something that she had not felt in years.  And she was happy.  The picture on the top banner is from July 2013, just after she returned from ICU.  She looked and felt very well and happy.  But it lasted only couple of weeks.  Then the medicine stopped working and she would not recover.  She suffered a great deal in her last three weeks - both because lack of heart function (10% now) caused something that made her feel very very bad; and also because once she got better, she was so happy and wanted to live and had hoped to be around for some time longer.  Her strength faded away day by day.  And around 11:00pm on the night of September 7th, she stood for the last time.  She was in such distress!  We gave her the sleeping pill since she asked for it.  I loved her more than life itself but at that moment, I did not want her to wake up the next day.  She would have had trouble time breathing.  And one thing that she was terrified of was of being sent to a nursing home.  And I did not want that for her.  She fell asleep around 12:30.  Between 4:30 and 5am on September 8th, she slipped away just when we turned the lights off for half-an-hour.  My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet.  This is all so unreal.  She used to say - "wouldn't it be nice to come back and see what people would say about me..."  I wonder if she can see us.

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son, his wife and two of their daughters; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla. 

Memorial Tributes
This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 21st July 2014

"Dear Mummy

It is so hard; harder than I thought it would be - to live without you.  Not that I was able to ever imagine it - though I tried.  Sometimes when I think o fall the things I didn't do; all the hugs I didn't give, I can't breathe.  You said in one of your letters that you wrote to me in 2003 that you want me to be happy.  How do I do that?  I miss you so.  And I regret so many things.  I wish I could see you well and happy in my Dream one day.  Last night I thought of you for a long time when I went to bed and hoped to see you in my Dream because I fell asleep thinking of you, but you didn't come.  

It is so strange - sometimes I wonder if you were ever real.  Will I ever forget your face?  Will it hurt less at some point?  The thought hurts me more.  I don't want the pain to go away and I don't want to forget your face.  In the pictures of July 7, you look so lovely.  The picture seems to grow more beautiful every time I look at it.  Thank you for this gift.  I wonder if that was the glow as the end was near.  

Wish I could hug you once again.

Love you
Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 9th July 2014

"Dear Mummy

For some reason I am missing you even more today.  You have been gone 10 months and a day.  Where are you?  Just come back and give me a hug once again.  How do I live without you?  You were Home to me.  When you were here, I felt like my World was much bigger.  Now it has become 2-person small.

Love you - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th July 2014

"Dearest Mummy

It is July 8th today, 5:45am.  Just about exactly 10 months since you have been gone.  10 long months and yet it is like yesterday when we sat together; when I held your hand; tried to massage your feet that hurt.  When I look at your picture or just think of you, sometimes my heart aches.  Wish I could see you once again.  Will I?

Missing you.
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 4th July 2014

"Dear Mummy

Shirodkar Aunti and Uncle came for a visit with Papa on Wednesday, two days ago.  When I came back home, I looked up from the car window and for a minute I was confused.  I thought you were standing at the door of the house and looking out.  Aunti was wearing similar clothes as you and it just confused me.  I wish...

I miss you more every day.  Come and see me in my dreams, mummy.  Come and tell me that you can still see me.  

Love you
Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 18th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

I was just thinking of something and it made me smile.  My crazy and fearless Mom!  Sometime in 2012 when I was returning to MD, you and papa dropped me off at the airport.  As I sat in the lobby, I thought I heard my name on the intercom.  I thought I would walk over and see what that was about.  What do I see!  The Security Officer smiled and told me that your Mom wants to give you money.  I looked over and there you were.  You forgot to give me the money you always gave me whenever I left WI.  So you came back all the way upto the Security and asked them to call me over!  I would have been too timid to do anything like that!  But not you...You were funny...I sit with your picture on my other monitor and it looks so real - you know, the one from July.  I think that the picture grows more beautiful every day.  It is like you are sitting there looking at me.

I wish you could come and give me a hug.
Love you - Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 18th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

I wish you were coming with papa today.  I miss you more every day.  Every thing is so different now.  I remember those times when we talked on phone and you sounded like all was well.  It gave me false sense of security of you being happy and that made me feel happy, at peace and a light-hearted feeling.  I will never experience that happiness again.

Who will make kheer for me?  And matthri?  Kajoo for Chris?  And all the delicious meals you made?  Most of all I miss the sense of security that you are just a phone call away. Miss your voice.  Miss your 'happy, happy' song.

Love
Yours Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 9th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

Today I am thinking of last June when you were better.  They should not have sent you to the hospital for low sugar.  You would have been ok if they left you alone.  If I were there, I would have stopped you from being taken.  Next day after releasing you when they recalled you, I still remember your words on the phone - 'mujhe to theek hi lug raha hai, per yeh keh rahai hai to chali jaati hoon'.  I wish... I wish.. I could go back in time and fix that mistake.  I knew if you went to hospital again, you would not come back.  You nearly did not; and you suffered so much in the following two months.  

I failed you mummy.  I failed you so many times.  I wish I knew what I know now...

How do I go on knowing all this; and knowing that I can't fix anything?  Give me some of the strength that you used to have.  Help me mummy.

Love you and missing you
Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 9th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

It has been 9 months and a day since I last talked to you.  You carried me for 9 months and now it has been just as long since I touched you; talked to you.  That last evening with you on the bench - I wish I made more time so that we could have more of those.  Even at that time, it never occurred to me that you would be gone and that you won't be there at that time the next day!  Can you see me from somewhere?  Will I see you again?

We went to watch bike race on Saturday and biking yesterday.  It was such a beautiful day on Saturday - I thought of you often and was sad that you could not experience it.  I loved the smile that lit up your face on those times when stressed left you and you were happy.  I miss that very much.

Love you - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 5th June 2014

"Dear Mummy

I just passed by that little niche where I used to go to talk with you in the last couple of years that I have been here at work.  I had such a strong wish to hear your voice again.  I can almost hear you whenever I pass by saying 'mein tayyar ho rehi hoon hospital jane kei liyai'; 'mawana mein phone ker degi aaj?  abhi ker di; nehi to dair ho jayaigi'.  You were so anxious for me to call them last Rakhi - because you knew, didn't you, that that was your last.  I miss you so much mummy.  

Bridget told me today that her grandmother passed away last Monday and that she was in lot of pain.  It saddens me so much.  I know what she is going through.

Oh mummy, where are you?  I wish I knew you were somewhere.  I wish I could see you again - even if just for a few minutes.  I would give you a big hug and tell you how much I love you.  But you knew that I loved you.  I know you did.

Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd June 2014

"Dear Mummy

I had a dream of you last night but you were very sick.  Still you sounded your usual self - calm and strong.  What do these dreams mean?  Why do you still seem to be suffering?  I want to see you well and smiling again.  

I wish I could see you again.  I often look in my rear view mirror when I am driving to look at the back seat where you used to sit.  But you are never there anymore.  It is so odd to think of you as gone!  How can the World exist without you in it?  I can still see you - feel you so close.

Missing you
Your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 2nd June 2014

"Dear Mummy

We went to DC this weekend.  I thought of you often because it WS just about 10 months ago - on July 26th 2013, that was such a terrible day for you.  I was in DC that day also but didn't feel anything when you were probay crying and must have felt so humiliated and trapped.  Why didn't I feel it when I loved you so?  Oh mummy, I think of that day often and then of such a different kind of day in early July when you and I went back to ICU so we could give the thank you card to Ryan and staff for giving you a chance at second life.  I had not seen you so interested in things as you were then.

You never talked about your feelings, your fears much - probably because you thought no one was listening.  But I was listening and I am sorry that I seemed like I didn't understand.
I did but in my need to make you feel better, I tried to make light of things.  I know you thought I didn't understand.  I wish I let you talk more and understood that you needed someone to just listen.  

I regret so many things.  How do I go on?  How can I possiy make it right now that you are gone?  It is still so strange to think of you as gone.  How can it be that you will never call me again.  I wish we had more times like the one we had in the hospital when you and I sat in the lounge area when you finally shared what Gauri said to you.  You also talked a little about nanaji and naniji.  That's when I finally understood why you didn't want Gauri's help with anything.  I wish we had more times of just you and me.  Another time I remember was when you and I sat at McDonalds and shared fries.  

Last year was so bad and you became unusually quiet.  I think you had given up - even though you promised me you would not.   You packed all your summer clothes and put them away.  Oh mummy, how I wish I could have you back one more day- may be just one more hour.  I want to see your smile again that lit up your face when you were happy.

Will I see you again

Yours forever
Gudi"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 28th May 2014

"Dear Mummy

I thought of you yesterday when I was taking a train to come back to New Carrollton metro.  You must have taken the same train so long ago when you owned that shop in Rosslyn.  Wonder if you sat in the same seat.  I hope you knew how proud I am of you for having done all that you did.  You are forever in my heart and I miss you so very much.  If I could only be certain of seeing you again some day!  

I wish I could give you one more hug.  I wasn't prepared to let you go yet.  My brain knew but heart did not.  How is it even possible that you are gone!  I can still hear your voice.  I look at the urn and wonder how you could possibly have foreseen that it will be sitting on the dresser !  I would have never imagined it.  So many times I tried to imagine what it will be like to live in a World without you but I could never imagine it.  You used to say 'Hamein baandh ke rakh legi Kya?'.  I wish I could.  But you slipped out so quietly.  No Goodbyes, no tears...  Just slipped away.  

I love you.  And miss you.
Yours forever - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 13th May 2014

"Found this at Kathy's Blog -- She so well expresses how I feel --
Love, Gudia


I Missed You Today

I missed you today.
You were in my thoughts.
Your death weighing heavily
on my heart.

I missed you today
so I bought a balloon.
It said Thinking of You
Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow.

I missed you today.
I took the balloon to the park,
kissing it twice, I whispered I love you, Mom
and then let it go.

I missed you today
as I watched the balloon
drifting silently away,
and I wish I could have handed it to you."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 13th May 2014

"Dear Mummy

I am in a panic this morning - just sort of anxiety.  Did what happened on July 26th cause you to give up?  Timeline works.  You kept saying 'do hafte mein duniya he badal gayee'.  Just around the time you were having one of the worst days, I was in DC at the art museum!  When I love you so much, why didn't I feel your pain?  I should have felt that something was wrong.  It was not until I read your diary...  That was the last entry and you drew a line at the end of it as if to say that was the end.  Oh how you must have felt!!  I can only imagine.  I am so sorry that I was not there to protect you.  I wish I made you stay with me instead of letting you go to Wisconsin.

There can be no forgiveness for me or anybody else involved.  Your life is over.  But not really.  I will keep you safe in my heart for as long as I live.  After 249 days I miss you as if you just went away.  You are my Mom and you will be with me, always.

I promise to send a.balloon up for you at every important day.  I want to find some meaningful way to keep your memory alive for others.  I hope that St Mary's Hospital will use the fund in your memory to help elderly.  But I will keep thinking of what you may have wanted.  Come in my dream and tell me.  It been a long time!

Missing you
Yours Forever.
Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 11th May 2014

"Happy Mother's Day, Mummy.
The First of the many more to come when you are and would be absent.  But not really absent.  You live in our hearts and noone can take you away from there as long as we live.  You are safe there and nobody can hurt you.  

I hope you liked the balloons that Papa and we sent you.  Could you see them flying up and up toward where you may be.  Are you somewhere?  Show me a sigh mummy.  Come and tell me if you are somewhere...

Chris and I took what is left of you in physical form with us, for a walk.  We followed the steps that you and I took in September of 2012 when you were here last.  I think of you often whenever I drive by to and from home.  But then I think of you very often - almost all the time.

I miss you.  I missed calling you this morning when you would answer the phone.  I would say 'Happy Mothers Day'.  You would say 'Thank you...  Are you going out?  You should go out and have lunch somewhere'.  I have few of your messages that I listen to sometimes.

You knew I would miss you so much, didn't you?  I love you mummy.  I didn't say it often but I know that you knew it.  

Happy Mothers Day again.
Love you and Miss you --
Yours always, Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th May 2014

"Just about at this time 8 months ago, dearest mummy, you left us.  I can hardly believe it.  244 days since I heard your voice!  How is it even possible?  You didn't like to go anywhere alone.  When I asked you last year just about this time to come away with me to Maryland for a change, you said you couldn't leave papa.  But then you went away so quietly never to return.  Did you try to call our names and we didn't hear?  I wish I had been with you Friday night.  You must have felt such fear and humiliation.  I wish I could protect you.  

Will I see you again?  And babaji ammaji?  How do I go on without you?  I try to remember you saying "happy, happy' and sometimes it makes me smile.

I hope you are safe and happy where you are.  Give me a sign that you are.

Missing you
Gudia"

This tribute was added by sushil bansal on 6th May 2014

"Meet you again
Saroj do you remember me?
I have no need to remember you because you are my heart.
I forget the smiling and lost my heart. Want to come to you
But only one thing keep me away from you. When I will think
That that does not need me, I will come to you.
I know we will meet again, may be in different face and may not
think that we met in past, but will meet again.
Waite till then.
Love
Your life partner who did not talk to you ad busy with computer
See you again"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 5th May 2014

"Mummy - Wapas aa jao. Tumhari bahut yaad aati hai.

Missing you - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 4th May 2014

"I missed you so much mummy.  I am sorry I did not visit you yesterday.  I have been so upset - I miss you and worry about papa.  We went to Cambridge this weekend for a bike ride.  Yesterday we left hotel around 6:30 and I did not think to visit you in hurry and because so much has been on my mind.  I am so sorry.  I think of you all the time but...  After the bike ride, Chris and I had a little tiff and I was very upset.  This morning as we were leaving the hotel, it was such a nice weather and I thought that if you and papa were with me, we could stay around the resort a little longer and may be taken a walk.  I used to think - even last year when we were there that sometime I would like to bring you both to that resort.  It is beautiful!  You would love the place.  We never had enough money to go to places such as this.  When I go to nice places, I always miss you even more.  

I love you mummy.  From now on I promise to always visit you every day.  I don't like to miss a day and not say hello to you.

I will wait for you on Mother's Day in my Dreams.

I was talking to papa earlier today and he misses you too.  He said that you went at the right time or you would be upset to see him like this.  You would have been mad at me as I am sometimes.  He can walk.  Bridget and other therapists say so.  But for some reason he likes to just sit.  May be you can yell at him in one of his dream and make him stand up and do what is needed.  

Love you.
Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 1st May 2014

"Dear Mum

Mother's Day month has begun.  How will we get through without a Mom?  Chris and I are both without a mother now.  Will you come in my dream?  Why did you stress about worthless people so?  I wish you didn't and were still with us.

I think of you all the time.  

Love you and missing you
Yours-Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 29th April 2014

"Oh I am so sorry, Mum.  I forgot to leave a note for you yesterday when I visited.  Did you miss it? 235 days without you!  I miss the days when you and papa used to come and pick me up at the airport.  I miss the days when I knew you were there and that I could call you whenever I wanted.  

Why didn't you tell me how bad things were at home so long ago??  We could have lived together - the three of us.  Oh Mummy, how do I live my life with that knowledge now?  I know you wanted me to be happy but how will I ever smile a happy smile like before?  There were times when I was stressed out because of your troubles but there were also those times when you made me feel like you were happy - or at least well - and on those occasions I would feel so light and happy.  

If you are somewhere and are happy again with babaji ammaji and others again, give me a sign.  Will I see you again?

Love
Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 29th April 2014

"Dear Mum

Will you come in my dreams on Mother's Day? I want to see your smiling face and hear you sing out 'Happy, happy' again!  I remember how you used to sing all the time.  Someone stole your smile away and I hope that they will have their day.  

I love you and miss you...

Your daughter."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 27th April 2014

"Dear Mummy
I just came back from a bike ride.  You always used to ask 'kitni door chalaya?'.  Now noone asks anything.  I miss you so much.  Chris's Mom was just behind you.  Chris misses her a lot too.  I saw you in my dream yesterday.  I was fighting with you again :-)  I wish you could be at the other end of the phone just once more.

Love
Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 2nd April 2014

"Dear Mummy

Why does it still feel so unreal that you are gone?  Whenever I look at that one picture of yours - you know the one where your face is brightened with laughter - that moment when you knew peace - every time I look at it and tell myself that you are gone, it hurts with a pang in my heart.  Chris's mom is also gone.  I miss her so much too.  Just come back for a few minutes and let me hold you.

Thanks for that time on the bench.  Even as we sat there and you were so weak, I did not think that you would be gone.  

Missing you
Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 31st March 2014

"Dear Mummy

I wish you were here today.  I am sick with cold and something like flu.  You would have make a fuss and I would have been annoyed.  But now I only wish you were here to make a fuss.  If you come back and do that, I promise to never be cross with you.

Missing you.
Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 25th March 2014

"Dear Mummy

It is going to be 200 days tomorrow without you!  I miss you and miss your voice.  Sometimes I listen to old messages that you left.  Sometimes I feel an urge to call you and then remember that you are beyond where phone call can reach.  When you used to try to talk to me about how your days were coming to a close, I used to get mad.  I just could not imagine a day without you.  I am sorry that I did not listen.  I am sorry that I was trying to protect myself and did not understand that you needed someone to lean on.  You were scared and sad for having to leave us.  You were sad for having to leave me.  I loved you so much and I always will love you.  I wish I could have you back just for an hour so I could just listen to all you have to say; so I could hold you and hug you.

Miss you - Your's forever, Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th March 2014

"Dear Mummy

6 Months today without you...
I miss you so very much.  Every time I drive by our street, I see the sid walk where we took our last walk in October 2012.  I can almost see you there walking with me.  I miss that.  I wish we got to take one more walk... Thursday (March 6th) as I was sitting in the train to come home, I thought for a moment that I saw you in the Sr. Seat smiling and talking with someone.  

Love you, wherever you are.
Yours, always - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 16th February 2014

"Mummy -- You called me in my dream on the night of 14th.  I asked you how you were because you didn't sound very well.  You said 'I feel better than before'...  That is all the conversation we had.  I wish I could see you...  Love, Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 14th February 2014

"Happy Valentines Day, Mummy.
You didn't leave me an address where I can send you flowers.  You shouldn't have left me so soon.

Missing you
Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 13th February 2014

"Dear Mummy

It is so cold this year, so unusually cold!  If you were still with us, how would you have managed with the IV?  I often think about it.  I wish they didn't send you to hospital in June for low sugar.  You may still be around if it wasn't for that.  I knew that next hospital visit would be fatal.  You were left alone in the hospital and that was a mistake too.  I wish I had been in WI then.  

I miss you so much.  Now Chris's mom is gone too.  Noone to send Mother's Day card to.

Come and visit me in my dream soon.

Love you - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th February 2014

"Dear Mummy

Today we said Our final GoodBye to Chris's Mom.  5 months ago on this day, I lost you.  And today on the very same day, bid her last farewell.  We lost her on the 1st.  now we dont have anyone to call Mummy or Mom.  You always used to ask about her.  Now she is with you - if there is somewhere to be after life.  I miss you so much.  I missed so much time with her because both you and papa kept me busy last year.  I wasn't able to spend any time with her.  I miss you both so very much.  

Loving and Missing you...
Yours - Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd February 2014

"And this --


    When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

    When tomorrow starts without me, And I’m not there to see; If the sun should rise and find your eyes, All filled with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn’t cry, the way you did today; While thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.

    I know how much you love me, As much as I love you; and each time that you think of me, I know I’ll miss you too; But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand, That an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand, And said my place was ready, in heaven far above, And that I’d have to leave behind, All those I dearly love.

    But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye; For all my life I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die. I had so much to live for, So much yet to do, It seemed almost impossible, That I was leaving you.

    I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad, I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

    If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while, I’d say goodbye and kiss you, And maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized, That this could never be, For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

    And when I thought of wordly things I might miss come tomorrow, I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

    But when I walked through heaven’s gates, I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, From his great golden throne, He said, “This is eternity, And all I’ve promised you.” Today for life on earth has passed, But here it starts anew. I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last, And since each day’s the same way, There’s no longing for the past.

    But since you have been so faithful, So trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things, You knew you shouldn’t do. But you have been forgiven, And now at last you’re free. So won’t you take my hand, And share my life with me.

    So when tomorrow starts without me, Don’t think we’re far apart, For every time you think of me, I’m right here, in your heart.

    Author Unknown"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd February 2014

"Dear Mummy

I found this poem somewhere today.  I thought that this is something like you would say...

Love, Gudia



When I'm Gone

When I’m gone to the end of my journey and I travel my last weary mile. Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned, and only remember the smile. Forget unkind words I have spoken, remember some good I have done. Forget that I ever had heartache and remember I had lots of fun. Forget that I’ve stumbled and blundered and sometimes fell by the way. Remember I have fought some hard battles and won, eve the close of the day. Then forget to grieve for my going, I would not have you sad for a day. But in summer just gather some flowers and remember the place where I lay, and come in the shade of evening. When the sun paints the sky in the west, stand for a few moments beside me and remember only the best."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 1st February 2014

"Dear Mummy

It hurt me to turn the page of the Calendar as we are in February now.  Without you... time still keeps on moving.

Chris's Mom is coming to join you soon, it looks like.  Watching her is like watching you all over again.  I keep getting confused between her and you as I watch her.  I miss you so much.  And while it is time for her to go as she has suffered so much, it still hurts to say another Goodbye to another mother so soon...

Love you
Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 30th January 2014

"Dearest Mummy

So many firsts without you!  Today is Chris's birthday and you are not there to call and wish him Happy Birthday or to sign his card.  You weren't there for mine.  First birthday without my mother - that was hard.  It is hard every day.  I think of you almost all the time.  

It looks like papa is a little better.  How happy you would have felt.  You would have probably tried sitting in car with him at the wheel again - without it moving.  You wanted so badly for him to get back to be the way he was.  

I was thinking that last year at this time you were feeling a little better and you were both planning a visit to India (secretly from me, of course because you knew I would be afraid for you).  Little did you know that in less than a month your lives would forever be altered!  I could and still can feel your anguish at losing your room, your life as you knew it for so many years and having to depend on people who looked down on you.  I wish you came to stay with me for few days.  It would have done both of us lot of good.  I wish...

Missing you.
Love, Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 8th January 2014

"My Mummy -- Where have you gone?  I miss you more than I can tell you and probably more than you thought I would.  You worried about what would happen to me when you were gone; so why were you in such a hurry to leave us?  123 days so far without talking to you!  Come to me in my Dreams...  I tried to keep you around - tried so hard.  But the fuss made you angry, didn't it?  

Who would make kheer for me?  Mathri and sel?  Papa and I were talking about it.  I will never get to eat them again!  Just like ammaji's alu-ka-halwa!  I can still taste and smell it but never will I ever get to eat it again.  

Oh mummy, it hurts so much when I think of that last week.  It hurts even more to think of those days after papa's hospitalization.  I should have listened to Seema jeeji's advise and taken care of you instead of staying with him.  He had several people looking out for him.  But you were so alone.  That night when I called from Maryland to talk to you, you were so frustrated and you were crying because you felt so alone and ridiculed.  I think of that it hurts my soul.  I should have hugged you and kept you close.  But now you have gone so far away. Will I ever see you again?  I want to believe that I would see you; and ammaji bababji; and tauji, chachaji and Bala taiji.  I still feel a pang when I think of you gone - it is so strange not having you some place around in this World!  Come back...

Love, your daughter"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 1st January 2014

"Happy New Year, Mummy.
You are safe in my Heart and in my memories.  I was afraid of facing New Year for fear of leaving you behind in 2013 and moving on.  But as someone pointed out that as every second passes, it becomes a memory.  Also that a parent never really leaves its children.  So you will never leave me.  I am a part of you and you will always be with me.  I wish you were here so I could touch you and I miss you.

This year of 2013 has been a very bad year.  It still feels unreal and you feel like you are only a phone call away.  But you are much farther away.  Never will you call me again.  Never will the phone ring and I will hear your voice at the other end!

I love you, mummy.

Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 25th December 2013

"Happy 55th Anniversary, mummy.  I was with you in Wisconsin at this time last year.  We were probably fighting :-)

We miss you.  Hope you will see the balloons, if you are somewhere, that we are going to be sending off to you today.

Love, Papa, Gudia & Chris"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 19th December 2013

"Dear Mummy

Papa is coming here without you for the first time.  I miss you more than I can say.  But you know that if you are somewhere and are looking down on us.  I can hear you say in that singing tone 'happy, happy...'.  

Give us the strength to go on without you and think of you with a smile on our faces.  We love you.


Love
Gudia"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 4th December 2013

"July  25,  2014

It has been 322 days since we sat on her favorite bench and she promised to walk with me when she was stronger...

But then she faded away.  Now she lives in my heart."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 2nd December 2013

"Dear Mummy

Another visit to WI without you there. I looked for you everywhere - on your side of the bed, at the dining room table; on the sofa.  I looked for you at your favorite bench outside the house.  But you were not anywhere except in my heart.  In the morning when I went into the kitchen, I could hear you walking around.  I always think of you when I peal a boiled egg.  I always told you how to do it right and you always ignored me :-)

I miss our fights.  I miss worrying about you.  I miss lecturing you.  You knew I would miss you so much; why did you leave me?

Papa misses you a lot.  He is never good at expressing his feelings but I know that he misses you.  Come to his dreams and tell him that you understand now; give him the strength that he needs to get back on his feet again.  You had such inner strength that allowed you to be independent until the very end.  Show him the way to good health again.  I can't do it mummy.  You used to get so mad at me whenever I tried to lecture him.  Come to my dream and tell me you are somewhere watching over us.  Tell me that Tim is right; that you know how much you are loved.  Now is first time I regret not having any children because it is the end with me of your legacy - I have noone to pass it on to.

I love you and miss you.
Gudia"

This tribute was added by Chhavi & Maitrie Bansal on 27th November 2013

"Dear Amma,

Life is the greatest gift that God has given us. And we are really happy that you are a part of our life.

We really miss you Amma, your smile too. Please come back, hum aapko jaane nahi deti.

But don’t worry we will meet you someday, in heaven where eternal happiness stay.

So cheer up Bua, you’re not alone. We are with you!!

And one more thing, Amma gave us such a beautiful gift, do you know what: It's YOU!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUA, LOVE AND MISS U SOOOOOO MUCH :)  :)

With lots of love: Chhavi and Maitrie"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 27th November 2013

"Dear mummy -- I was hoping you would come in my dream and wish me a happy day today, but...  This is my first without you.  I miss you, mummy.  You would have called me to wish me in another hour.  But you will never call me again... Come and sit with me again in my dream, mummy.  That is the birthday present I want.

Love you... Gudia"

This tribute was added by Jan & Dick Lenes on 19th November 2013

"Sarog was such a joy to be around.  We only knew her for about 6 months and she was a delightful person.  Dick had been scheduled to drive her he had recently fallen suffering a concussion and was not able to drive her so I did.   She was always so concerned about him and he would ride along at times.  She never complained, always had a smile on her face and so sweet and gentle.  When she wasn't able to go for exercise any longer, we were starting to drive Sushil to various things and she would always wave as he left and greet us.  We truly were blessed to have known her.  We miss you.."

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 15th November 2013

"Dear Mummy - the other day I found the book papa handed to me - between you and me, daughter.  At the time, I just took a cursory look at it and put it away.  When I opened it now, I saw it was from you!  Oh how happy you would've been if I returned it 'as soon as possible' as you wrote in it.  I was too busy lecturing you on the wisdom of eating better.  What good is to say, sorry, now? - love, Gudia"

This tribute was added by sushil bansal on 11th November 2013

"Come back and light up my heart."

This tribute was added by sushil bansal on 11th November 2013

"My light you are and now is dark every where. Yes, it is true I never showed you and talked as you want but it is also true that you were my life and were with me for 54 years 8 months and 12 days and we passed our good as well as our bad days together. For the last 20 years there was not a single day when we were not together. I missed you very much and my heart is full of your memories."

This tribute was added by Anju & Pratap Thakur on 8th November 2013

"Dear Aunty

Istill remember you when I saw you first-strong n healthy person.,and when saw you at my place in Solan-cheerful and active person and lastly after years when we skyped.Though you were week but it never appeared that you will leave all of us so early.We miss you aunty-Anju"

This tribute was added by Sandhia McLeod on 6th November 2013

"Dear Mummy

I miss you every day.  It has been 60 days since you and I sat outside the house on that favorite bench of yours.  How frail was your voice by then!  I wish you could come back so I could give you one more hug. Thank you for giving me the gift of life and love. Love - Gudiya."


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