Shauna Patricia Mikula

August 13,1985 - August 25, 2005

Shauna, my beautiful daughter started abusing drugs,

beginning with weed when she was 11 years old.

Her father and I had divorced 3 years prior to that and she

had moved back in with me at age 10.

I gave him custody as he could afford the family house and I

couldn't and wanted the kids to live in their home

and continue attending the same schools.

Her father is an alcoholic as was his father and grandfather.

I have a grandfather who was an alcoholic but my parents and

I only drank occasionally.

I struggle wondering if that addictive gene had anything to do with it all.

Anyways on with Shauna.....after her experimenting with weed,

she graduated to acid and other drugs.

Actually that should be any drugs. Exstacy, Coke, Shrooms, Uppers and Downers.

She wanted to try them all.

She was kicked out of school when she was in 7th grade and was sent to

an alternative school.

All that school did was introduce her to all the other druggies in town.

I took her to numerous counselors, which she would one by one tell them

they couldn't do anything for her, she

wouldn't participate, cooperate or even listen.

She would make a scene and throw a fit or tantrum and they would tell me "we can't help her."

She was kicked out of alternative school and was then sent to another alternative school.

This was all day school 6 days a week. They picked her up at 7 am and dropped her off at 7 pm.

At first it seemed to be helping....but always the rebel, she soon got kicked out

of this program and they sent her to the first of 3 boot camps, followed by 5 juvenile facilities

and eventually ending up at Adrian Training School.

She lived there and it was basically a jail with a school. Locks and all.

During her time at the training school, one of her old boyfriend died of heroin overdose.

She was not allowed out of school to go to his funeral and was deeply affected by it.

Shauna graduated with her GED from Adrian Training School August 2001 at age 16.

Things went ok for a short time and then she began hanging around with all the other

"bad" friends she hung out with before.

Shauna had to go for random drug tests. She knew she was going to have a dirty test, so

she decided to run away. She ran away from Michigan to Portland, Oregon

This was 1 week before 911. I was frantic and had no idea where she had gone to.

She left with a "boyfriend" and stayed with his sister or aunt or someone.....

One day a week or so later, I get a phone call......the caller ID flashes Portland, Oregon and the number.

They had tried to block it, but I got the info anyways and turned it into the police.

The sister/aunt talked to me. I told her I knew where they were and had the phone number,

that she was harboring a runaway and I could and WOULD press charges if she did

not turn her into the police.

So a month later Shauna returns.....It's October.

Some weird guy is hanging around...he looks so familiar, but he says he doesn't know me.

Shauna's new boyfriend...the guy was 27 and she was 16. What the hell????

She said "Oh mom we just skateboard together....."

December...I am getting weird phone calls. Someone whispers through the phone

that Shauna is using heroin and she needs help.

HEROIN?????? Not my girl!!!! She's only 16!!!!! OMG!!!!

I realize this boyfriend is a guy who worked at the local party store and was fired for

stealing....to support his heroin habit.

I confront her...she tells me the truth. She's scared because she thought is was a lie about

how addicting heroin is. She thought she could try it once and be done with it.....she was

addicted. She couldn't stop.

I called a hospital and got her admitted to the rehab center.

Hoping for the best.....Shauna had contracted Hepatitus C. OMG !

She was put on some chemicals that actually got rid of her Hep C, although it would lie

dormant in her body forever, she had no symptoms and no liver damage.

Shauna wanted out after 4 days. She was over the withdrawals and didn't feel sick anymore.

What I didn't know was this was the first of a merry-go-round I was on for the next 4 years.

Rehab-using-rehab-using

She had also fallen in love with another heroin addict.

She would do damn near anything for him.

She got a job at a strip club even though she was very shy about her body.

Easy money for the drugs......

They would go to Detroit for the drugs.....searching the corners....if you drive there now,

you would see the dealers. They all have that same hollow eyed look.....

One time they got into a fight downtown and she jumped out of the car.....he being a

smart ass took off. He came around the block and she was gone. Some guy grabbed her

off the street and raped her, dumping her in the worst area of Detroit.

She almost got raped a 2nd time, when a homeless man helped her.

He called my house and told me what had happened and that he would

stay with her until I got there.

My heart was being broken in a million pieces.

Everything I had warned her about was happening.

Every mother's nightmare.....

The boyfriend, Andre, his parents came up to Michigan and whisked him

away to Florida in their attempts to save him.

Shauna and he would be on the phone or computer nightly for hours.

Then Andre decided to fly Shauna down to Florida. It was March 2004.

His parents were not happy. They were trying to save their addict and

didn't need another one there.

Andre was 25 at the time and Shauna was 19.

His parents sent her back home to Michigan and she was heartbroken.

She said he was the love of her life and she began writing poems to him.

Heartbreaking poems never to be read by him.....

She had been clean for about 6 months.

I went to pick her up at the airport and she wasn't there.....she called my cell phone and asks

me to pick her up at a another location.....a block from where she usually bought her heroin.

She had told me about the area. I knew where she went....

When I got to her, she was stoned. She denied it, but the eyes don't lie.

The pinprick pupils, the slacked mouth, the slurred talking.

She was heartbroken and decided to self medicate.

And so from April 2004 up until December 2004 I was on that merrygoround.

Never knowing if I was gonna get a phone call telling me the dreaded news.

She seemed to be getting better and then I caught her shooting up.

I provoked her into hitting me and called the police for domestic violence.

I am not proud of this but I was desperate! If she was locked up she could not use!

This was before Christmas 2004.

She was put into jail and I visited her weekly, telling her how much I loved her and

she could overcome this thing.

If I only knew.....all the letters telling me how she found God and she was turning

her life around.

She had read the Bible in it's entirety and could recite passages when asked.

Then she was released from jail in July 2005 to the hospital. She had gotten a staph infection

and was very sick! She was there for about a week and came home.

Oh God if I had only know she had one month to live.....

Shauna had applications sent to colleges all over and she was accepted into one!

Her dad got her a car for her birthday. She was going to start classes on Friday!

I had such hope! Things were looking good!

On August 24th, 2005, Shauna had given me her food stamp card and

told me to get all I needed.

She gave me a kiss and I told her I loved her and BE CAREFUL AND

DON'T DO ANYTHING DUMB!!!

She said "Oh mom you don't always have to tell me you love me, I know."

Thank God I told her that last time....

So I went shopping and got all her favorites!

My boyfriend and I had a concert to go to that evening.

While at the concert, towards the end....I got a weird feeling and told him

I wanted to go home now.

My cell phone was in his trunk in my purse and I kept thinking I should have gotten

it out to call Shauna.

I will always regret that...who knows....it was around 11:00 pm.

We get home around midnight and I get the phone call.

Shauna stopped breathing, the ambulance is here....

I rush over to the friends house and ask him, Did you two use tonight? He said no and I looked

into his eyes and said you damn liar!

Your lying eyes give you away!!!!!!!! What the hell?

The cops there told me nothing other than the ambulance was on its way to the hospital.

So I drive to the hospital...thinking Man I am going to bitch her out this time!

I get there at University of Michigan Ann Arbor emergency.

I go to the desk and inquire about Shauna. I am so clueless....

She takes me to a room and tells me someone will be right in.

In walks a lady in black......and a doctor.

He tells me EMS did cpr and breathed for her for an hour and 1/2 and did all

they could and that she was gone.

Gone?

Where the hell has she gone to?????

Another hospital?

He then tells me bluntly that she is dead.

Dead? NO!

She's my baby, my youngest, my shining star, my beautiful daughter.

She wanted to be an actress.

She was an artist, painted and drew fantastic pictures!

She was a songwriter and a musician.

She could write stories and make them so believable and real.

All that talent.....all gone....

Oh God, I wanted to die!

I can't do this!

I call my boyfriend, John

I call her father.

I call my parents.

I call an online friend in Texas cuz none of my other friends are answering their phones.

I am alone.....I had just quit smoking but not anymore as I smoke the stale pack in my glovebox.

I want to die...I want to feel nothing.

How can I go on without my baby girl.

I had all her favorite foods in the cupboards and fridge.

I received and still receive correspondence from all the colleges she applied to.

I had 2 years worth of magazine subscriptions of hers to still receive.

Then the bill collectors.....it was relentless.

The knife continues to turn in my heart.....

The grief is unexplainable. It's excruciating

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was 10 years ago and yet it feels like yesterday.

The what if's haunt me all the time.

I am reminded of her every time I go to work, shop, eat at a restaurant, hear a certain song,

see a movie she loved.....

The pain of it all will never go away.

I have no faith in the system, the courts nor the rehabs.

My addict is dead.

An addict has to want to be clean.

It can not be forced!

We didn't cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it.

Rest in peace baby