Dear Mom,
I spent years confused and angry, always blaming myself for something that would have caused you to leave. I was a well enough behaved little girl, so why wouldn’t you love me enough to want to be my mother and raise me and help me become a successful human being. For several years you sent pictures of yourself and letters and on occasion, cards with money; none of this answered any of my questions, instead it left me even more confused and curious. I saw you twice between the ages of 10 and 14, those were sweet times for me but I was becoming a different sort of person that had grown accustomed to not having a mom. When Sis moved us back to Indiana, you got in touch with me. I spent all of those weekends with you but somehow it seemed I was the parent, the one taking care of you. I eventually moved away and it took years for me to allow you in my life again.
When I was a child you leaving me and Teresa was abandonment of the most heartbreaking kind. To basically reject your children, beautiful, talented and witty, tow- headed girls at that, was unfathomable for me. I realize now as an adult, that you were battling demons I could not understand, that your chaotic life, no matter how exposed to me, was not something I could begin to comprehend. I recognize now that you were an alcoholic, an addict and that you struggled emotionally, so to take care of children alone with no support from anyone, was a task that you simply were not equipped to handle. As a child, I knew that you were prone to days of emotional detachment, depression and resentment and that we were mostly on our own. You taught us early to take care of ourselves, and to take up for each other. I was the baby and you always referred to me as the baby, in fact, I recall that we were once in a minor car accident and you were yelling “is the baby ok”, the person who came to our rescue was literally searching for a baby. I was about 5 years old at the time but I would forever be your baby, April Michelle.
At 22 I got married and moved to North Carolina and quickly started a family. I sent you pictures and letters, I even brought Chelsea Ann to meet you when she was 6 months old but I had made up my mind that I would not permit you to be in our lives and that was totally out of fear of what you would do to me emotionally; I was fearful that somehow you would reject my family. I did not have an open heart at that point when it came to having a relationship with you or allowing you to be a Grandmother to my babies. I was still very dejected and hurt with the past that we shared.
After I moved back to Indiana, my life as I knew it began to change. I finally decided to force myself to get to know you, to be determined to find the real you in the hard exterior of a women who had not brought much to my life, except a lot of frustration and pain. I never once imagined that I would find such an amazingly compassionate, intelligent and comedic person. Mom, the memories I have of you and me at your kitchen table, us both drinking endless cups of coffee, you smoking incessantly and me needing my inhaler, laughing until we were crying, those memories can carry me through some very painful and empty days. You made such an impact on me those last several years but mainly the months between your diagnoses and your passing; those months changed my life forever, those months taught me that taking people for granted is simply a shame, a crime of sorts, one to be forever regretted and never repeated.
The personal outcome from a childhood without you providing me the nurturing love and guidance that I required has not had the negative impact it could have had. I fiercely love my children and will protect them until my last breath. My adult life has mostly been dedicated to making certain that my children know that they are loved and cherished no matter what life brings them, no matter what I am personally experiencing. I am sorry that I did not allow them the opportunity to meet you until the end; I am convinced that they would have appreciated you for the women you were striving to be and that if given more time, you would have made wonderful memories with them as well. They were such troopers Mom, when you passed, especially Chelsea Ann. She was strong for you and me the day I had to make arrangements. I am a strong and determined woman because of what I experienced in my life, beginning as a child needing her mother, no matter how unhealthy it was at the time, that strength has allowed me to raise children who can be strong in the wake of adversity and chaos. I learned from your mistakes and shortcomings, as I know my children will learn from mine. I learned from you, that we don’t always know the core of a person until we have allowed our minds and hearts to really be open for the possibility of who they may be. I discovered in you, to accept where I am but to try to move forward. You taught me resolve and resourcefulness, you taught me to lace up my sneakers and walk my path the best that I can no matter what seems to be following me. You taught me that hard work is necessary and that if any bill gets paid, it should always be the mortgage payment. Most importantly you taught me to walk a path of kindness and leave no one behind. You taught me to reach out in love and acceptance and to touch as many people as possible in a positive way.
The day you were we were told you had Leukemia, I remember thinking this is it, this is how it all ends. My mother who I have just honestly found is now going to be torn from me again with more pain and devastation than the first time. It has been almost four years since you went to be with your angels but I still reach for the phone to call you in good times and bad. I miss you every single day and I see you in so many things. I hear your voice in my own and I am reminded of you when I laugh with Teresa. We miss you so much and our hearts are still broken in little pieces but we are grateful for your sense of humor and your infectious laugh that we are so blessed to have inherited. Those last memories of you will always be cherished.
I will always love you with all of the pieces of my heart,
April Michelle
“But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin.” ― Mitch Albom
