I wish everyday for the pain to ease. For a moment where I don't hear a song that makes me remember you. Yesterday on your birthday I youtubed all the old stupid commercials you use to sing. What a memory, because you still remembered them as an adult. 

So, you are 49 now. I don't say "would have been" because in my heart, you are still very much alive.  Momma, Carmen and Winnie probably feel the same. You will never die or go away in my heart. Which is a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I want to run away from myself just to get away from it. Pain and sorrow and regret are heavy burdens to carry around. Yet we gladly do it to stay close to you. 

I shed many tears yesterday. I wanted to call you and sing the retarded you look like a monkey song. I still have your cell number and home number. Your cell has been assigned to someone else and from my understanding the home number has changed. I don't know, I've never called it. But you're still in my phone, name and all. 

I miss you Gump. I hope you can see down and see your nephews and neices. They miss you too. In true manly fashion, they hold you inside but don't talk about you. The men in this house offer me their hugs (except for Ronnie, he's not a touchy feely person) and love when there is a day like today. I still save my tears until everyone is asleep. Look at your pictures and sometimes, I actually smile. Most of them are like pouring salt in a wound. Still.

I love you. I miss you and wish that you were still with us. Not only did we lose you, it feels like we have lost Garry too. We loved him for 20 years and now he is starting a new life and seems to be pushing us away. In a way I understand, but 20 years....it feels like he is erasing us. So you left and now he is, day by day. Too much losing people. But as you said you are not lost, we know exactly where you are. You passed away, but we will never lose you in our hearts. Ever.

You look like a monkey and you smell like one too......             

It's your 47th birthday today. Garry took beautiful roses out to you. We are all united because of you. Because each of us loved you in our own way. Ways that will never end. It's been a year and 21 days since you left. I won't say since we lost you. That makes me smile at least. You aren't lost; you know where you are and so do we. 

I have to be totally honest and say that if I could bring you back, I would. Even though the beauty there is probably more than I could ever imagine, I would rip you out of it and bring you back. Back here to be with us again. Maybe I will go to hell for even thinking that, but that's ok. I would go to hell so that Garry could have you by his side. So that momma would never have had to feel that pain. So that you could live a long life with Garry and enjoy your "new" house. So many holes left in so many people's hearts by your early departure. I bet I would not be the only one that would go to hell to bring your kind and loving heart back to this earth. But I would be at the front of the line.


I love you baby sister. Happy Birthday. I love you Steffanie   

It's been so difficult to come to this site because I only get angry. In a few days, it will be a year since you left us. It is no easier now than it was on that Tuesday morning. The shock still enters as we ask ourselves if it really, really happened. I recall seeing in my crime shows where people would say "I still can't believe she's gone" and I would think that made no damn sense. Yet I continue to ask myself that very thing.


A year has come and gone. Slowly, it tortured me daily. I stopped calling people everyday while I cried because for whatever reason, someone always thought I shouldn't be or should be feeling some kinda way that I wasn't. So instead, I save my tears for the wee hours of the night/morning. When everyone else is sleeping and it's just me and you. Sometimes I feel a sense of calm and I tell myself that it's you. Probably not, but I can hope. No, I know, you wouldn't want me to cry every single night and I'm sorry that I do, but I do. I figure when it's time for me to stop, I won't cry. I have been very on edge since the beginning of this month, just because I know. Every single day I look at the calendar and I say "a year ago today she was still here". Some friends still talk about you. Donte Munlap and Feltenberger and Marie still ask how I'm doing.


I haven't cut my hair this year. Kinda my tribute to you. Another stupid way to stay connected to you. I am still unable to move forward because that means leaving you behind and I can't do Gump.  I hope that you see that I am trying but I can't force myself. I tried one day to do that. I said to my damn self "self, Steffie is dead and so onward we go". Yeah, by the time the night rolled around I was popping xanax. Maybe I should be further along this road of grief, but I can only go at the pace my heart will go. I think at your core you understand that. I hope you see that I am trying.


I am still angry that you left. You just left. Didn't wait for us to get there. I know you would say that that's the way God wanted it. Maybe it was better for you that way but YOU LEFT. You left and went to where you don't feel pain and YOU LEFT me here to feel it EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY. All you left me was pictures and old emails to read and songs that make me cry. I don't listen to the radio anymore. Too many painful songs, so when I drive, I do it in silence. 
Tomorrow is mother's day and I know that momma will be a wreck inside because she won't have you this year. I have thought and thought for weeks what to get for her but I know that nothing will make a difference, it's just gonna be a bad damn day.  I know how much you loved God and how much you missed daddy, but did you even try to stay?? Or did you just turn your back on us and go? Did you think about how bad it would hurt us? I know you said when it's your time to go, it's your time to go and there is nothing you can do about it. I wonder if you even tried to ask if you could come back? I know how angry this sounds, but it's really about pain.


I miss you Steffanie. Every day all day. Still. I hope that one day soon, I will wake up and not hurt quite as bad, not miss you quite as strong, not cry quite so many tears. I hope one day soon to turn my face to the sky and smile, but it's not today. Again, it's not today.    
    

On Tuesday, May 15, 2012 without warning, Steffanie was taken from this life. At this time we still do not know what caused her passing. Although no answer will be able to justify why such a wonderful person was taken we hope that it will bring some understanding. Steffanie was loved and highly respected by her family, friends and co-workers. We are in shock and I've started this web page to keep alive her love and as a way to support and encourage each other through this tragic and sudden loss.