Hi, Mom. It's been WAY TOO LONG; but you know the circumstances. I'm still so very sorry. I know you've been watching the Hell I've been living through; I'm sure it hasn't been easy for you either. At least I'm in a much better living situation now and brought Josh with me; and as you know, he's having another child in May, this time with Shay. A better option and someone he loves. They've been together a year now, though she chased him for 17 out of the 18 of knowing him. Haha But I gotta say that HE TRULY LOVES HER, and it shows. I'm proud of how he's grown.

Oh, Mom I wish so much that You were here. I could really use a friend; my BEST friend, and I've sadly come to realize that I'm TRULY ALONE in this world since You passed. :'-(  I TRULY DON'T have friends; I just KNOW a lot of people. I've seen & felt for quite some time that Irene has had 'Issues' with me for whatever reasons. I know that I haven't done anything except BE THERE FOR HER, so I can only boil it down to the typical envy & jealousy I've dealt with my entire life. Irene can't stand it when others give me compliments, and SHE DOESN'T give me compliments; so what does THAT tell you? You can literally SEE the annoyance on her face and she'll change the subject; usually to HERSELF. But I can sit and listen to HER about ANYTHING & EVERYTHING; to include EVERY TEXT between her & Linda or WHOEVER she was disgruntled with at the time. God forbid I say A WORD about ANYTHING going on with myself. I instantly see the disinterested look, then shortly there after she'll just start talking over me or at least SOMEONE will; even a child will be ALLOWED to. I CAN'T STAND how they all look down their noses at everybody; it sickens me. Where do they get off thinking they even have the right to?

Moving into this house was SUPPOSED to be MY dream; MY ESCAPE FROM YEARS OF HELL. It turned into a move from ONE HELL TO ANOTHER; at least at first. We've been here just about a month, and I'm SOOO DEEP into depression I'm actually gonna ASK for my Cymbalta for a spell; and we all KNOW how I feel about meds. I'm a NATURALIST; EVEN with all of my conditions, I should be on a buffet of meds. NOPE!!! I AM My Mother's Daughter; YOU didn't like meds either, and I ONLY made You take what I FELT was absolutely necessary. Stuff they TRIED to give You in hospitals, or to prescribe You; I prevented. You were at Your HEALTHIEST, Praise The Lord. Well, I'm doing the same for myself, Mom. I listen to doctors to an EXTENT; but I'VE ALWAYS been OUR BEST DOCTOR... Degree or NO degree. I have the 'Mom Degree' & the 'Me Degree'. Haha  I also have this flower that doesn't grow in everybody's garden called COMMON SENSE; so I do my OWN RESEARCH about stuff... Like the whole COVID PLANDEMIC. DON'T even get me started on THAT. You're up there, so YOU KNOW that it's about Population Control; that 'The Jab' is REALLY a PATHOGEN, CHANGES your DNA, and that there's NOTHING about it that PROMOTES IMMUNITY, therefore it's NOT A VACCINE; that it was ALL funded BY FAUCCI, GATES & a few others; they took a HARMLESS corona virus (listed for YEARS on the back of the Lysol can) & sent it to a LAB IN WUHAN, CHINA TO MAN-MAKE IT into a POTENTIALLY THREATENING VIRUS. HOWEVER, they've PURPOSELY mistreated patients and THEY DIED. They REFUSED PROPER TREATMENT and they died. The JAB ALONE HAS CAUSED DEATH & ILLNESS, YET THEY MANDATE IT. HOW MANY WAYS CAN YOU SPELL 'AGENDA'??? The ONLY people I know getting sick with COVID ARE THE VAXXED. Let THAT sink in.

Anyway... I didn't mean to go down that road. As you know, I'm an Activist for RIGHTS, Animals, and just anything I feel is RIGHT. If you want change, you can't just sit around bitchin' about it; you gotta have VOICE. So, I've been on TV, YouTube, and all over the internet.

I'm glad I never gave up on Blayze. As you know, he shut me out this last year and a half because of Skie; for whatever her jealous and selfish reasons. But he's talking to us again, thank you GOD for answering my prayers. I never gave up and glad that I didn't. I gave him his space, but I also sent birthday & holiday cards & such. Also some random things in between. I NEVER cut that cord, regardless of HIS lack of communication, response or sense of love for me. :'-(  I felt that no matter what, if I gave up... Then I REALLY GAVE UP, and I couldn't do that. He's my son and regardless of the thoughtlessness, the hurt, the selfishness... I love him and I want HIM and My Grandson Wesley BACK IN MY LIFE. <3<3 It's already been too long.

I DO HAVE A LOT to say, Mom; but I'm SO depressed, I need to get out of my own head. So, I'm gonna end for now.

I love & miss You EVERY DAY. Hugging You with my Heart; Always, Forever & A Day... <3

Hi, Mom... I know; it's been an extremely long time. Over a year. You see all that I've been going through down here... I've managed to get away from Ken; FINALLY. I'm 'Trauma Bonded', but in all honesty, I don't know how long it will take for me to heal. I thought I was doing the right things, making the right decisions... And then IN comes Lenny. As you know, he's SUCH a great guy; but I DON'T want or need a relationship in my life right now. No matter what I say, or how much I say it, he loves me... So I'm trapped again; just in a different Hell because he actually takes care of me, loves me and does things for me. That's why it hurts me so much... He's an OLD friend from 30+ years ago; I didn't know he had feelings for me then. Best Man at my wedding... Still friends with Billy now even; he just doesn't think much of him for reasons I don't even need to mention. I'm stressed in the job & the relationship; neither of which I want to be in. The job suited its purpose for the time it needed to; but now... I need out. But I really don't wanna pay rent, and I HAVE that opportunity with Lenny. How messed up is THAT???!!! I don' t know, Mom... Maybe away from here; but I'm afraid, I truly am.

And Josh... Do I even need to say it? You see it all... He's SUCH a disappointment but has the AUDACITY to say the LIES about me that he does. He really hurts me, Mom; after EVERYTHING I've done for my kids... All that I've sacrificed. I live the way that I do BECAUSE of Josh. Troubles over the years BECAUSE of him...

Anyway, I'm still here. Things are happening. I'll get here more often.
I love & miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever & a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Today is your 8th year anniversary of being at final peace. Do I even have to say, even though I'm going to, that I love and miss you EVERY DAY? I know we don't get the time here that we used to; but you know I carry you with me daily. There have been so MANY times I wish I could've just picked up the phone to talk to you; to get your opinion and wise advice. I just bother you instead, and talk your ears off. Haha Do Angels still have ears? Anyway...
I'm sure you see all that goes on down here in my miserable existence; but as the example you set for me, I persevere through it all. I'm desperately trying to get pain management; my daily pain is out of control. I can barely walk, never mind get any comfort or sleep. I'm having difficulty getting into the pain clinic I went to all of 2 years ago; they want a referral despite my PPO. RIDICULOUS... Not only was I a patient, but I've been in the Elliot health system since my boys were little. NO ONE returns calls and people are SO unprofessional. I may have had a difficult time in the corporate world because of how I did things; but I have NO regrets. I did things right the FIRST time; I'm not sorry that my COMPETENCE offended or threatened the others around me. C'est lavie. I make errors now and then, I'm human; but things are completed to the best of my ability, and anyone can count on that. I have a difficult time dealing with the degree of incompetence today; it was bad enough not even 20 years ago. I'll just keep up MY pace, and whoever can't keep up gets left in the dust. Haha
Ok, Mom, I guess that's it for now. No work for Ken today, so he's on his way home. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've been here. You know I'm with you every day; probably driving you insane with all I have to say at times. Haha I've had a lot on my plate, as usual; with very little cooperation. But what's new? Haha
Josh was living with me for a while, and regardless of the massive issues Lisa caused... She was here too. I think Josh has FINALLY learned what a narcissistic sociopath she IS. Thank God... But they caused me serious problems, as I had WARNED them would occur if everyone didn't mind their P's & Q's. I almost lost EVERYTHING... But thank God, Sarah does NOT want to lose me; so she wrote up an agreement that Josh and Lisa weren't even allowed on the property... Never mind here to visit. Lisa's been out to destroy us ALL... But she will NOT win. I've been to HELL, MORE times than I care to remember; but I'm still here to talk about it. No Psychopath will destroy me or mine; mark my words. She's caused irreversible damage... But her control has been withdrawn. WE'RE In control now. As long as Josh LISTENS to me; all will be well. Please watch over and guide us all, My Blessed Mother. We need you... As Always.
GOOD news is I'm gonna be a Meme' again. Blayze and Skie are having a baby. It feels so good to be happy about a grandchild. Sully's circumstances certainly weren't invited. I love him, but in all honesty... His behavior issues are a HUGE problem. I'm trying to get legal custody so I can properly manage his care. I'll get him into counseling... Very much needed counseling. But when the Principal and social worker of the school visit you in PERSON; you know there are ISSUES, not just one. Somehow, some way... I need to get him to have self control. Manners and values... He fights me; he LIKES being bad. It's heartbreaking...
Ken... Isn't he ALWAYS... Something? Haha It's so up and down, Mom. We get to a point where I actually feel close enough to him to THINK about reinstating our intimate relationship. It's been a year and a half since we've been intimate. I just CAN'T until I feel and sense things are REALLY OK between us. Every time I start to get close to "well, maybe"... He messes up somehow. Usually with a MASSIVE anger outburst that I have NO desire to live and deal with. But no matter WHAT I say, or HOW BAD... He doesn't leave. I even packed his stuff on Monday. He didn't leave. In all honesty, I don't know WHAT I want. My life is SO MUCH MORE difficult with other people IN it; especially IN my living space. My mere existence is SO completely miserable... My pain is OUT of control. My sleeping arrangements make for NO sleep; my bed is just SO uncomfortable. I got a Hydrogen Peroxide treatment that I'm gonna try; there's been a lot of success with it. I took my first 'dose' this morning. I PRAY that this helps me... I need a NATURAL way to deal with my pain. I know the constant stress I'm under, the constant cleaning up after others that I SHOULDN'T have to do... It all adds to my misery and pain. When I'm on my own, life isn't so difficult in those aspects. It can get lonely at times; but sometimes I feel like I could deal with that. I'm not sure about anything with Ken anymore; not even about my feelings. Do I still love him; or is he JUST a hard habit to break? It's not like he's easy to get rid of. Haha In some ways, I love being with him. In others... It's so difficult. Besides all of his 'bad habits'; I have TOO MANY disturbing and hurtful memories over the course of FIVE YEARS. How much can one person take? How much can one person forgive? Then there's always the constant worry that it will ALL happen again at some point; if it isn't already. I just deserve to be happy... And I'm wondering if that will EVER happen. Some of us are just destined to these difficult lives... You and I seem to be two in the sea of misery.
I got my Christmas shopping all done online. GOD, I love shopping online!!! It makes life SO much easier; delivered right to your door. No way to GO shopping... But I'm working on all of that too. The Right to Travel... I've started a petition on Change.org; as well as wrote to the Governor, the Director of the DMV, and our Alderman. I provided them with the RSA info. Hopefully, a HUGE wrong will be RIGHTED.
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I'll try so hard to make it here more often. I miss the days where it was the first thing I did after getting my coffee; I spent time here with you. Hopefully, my life can simplify; even just a little bit.
I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! I wanted to be sure to get here, today of all days. I don't really have time to write... But you know all that's going on. So...

I love and miss you EVERY DAY; today a little extra... Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. I was up really early this morning and wrote the following. Just my take on 'Men vs Women'...

I grew up surrounded by males; and basically knowing that no matter HOW hard we work as females... We live in 'A Man's World'. However, I also know the ACTUAL truth; that we WOMEN 'Rule the World', and men are JUST along for the ride. Let's discuss the basis on which this has been derived.

In MY lifetime, women have been the strong figures and providers; to include myself. Not in the sense of Political Figures and such; but actual authority figures IN my life, such as my own Blessed Mother. She, just as myself, was a 'work horse'. She raised her children herself; worked multiple jobs to provide, and was self-sacrificial. That's what REAL Mothers do. Giving birth does NOT a Mother make; it's EVERY ACTION thereafter. The title 'Mother' is EARNED. My Mother earned Her's; as did I.

Let's compare a man and woman's roles in life; in a 'typical' situation. The man AND woman either work; or the woman stays home with the children if income allows. That, in itself, is known as 'the hardest job in the world'. The man 'typically' goes home from work, and relaxes for the remainder of the day; he does whatever it is that he WANTS to do. A woman goes home from 9 to 5 job; then her 'home and family' responsibilities begin. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the children's many needs... Then when ALL is said and done with ALL of that; she's ready for bed. Where was 'time for her'? HER 'rest and relaxation time' after a HARD day at her daily employ? She gets it when she finally gets to sleep; then the next day, it starts ALL over again.

We, as women, are constantly battling this war. Men have their 'talk' about women that's not only (for the most part) incorrect; but it's typically chauvinistic. Who do men turn to when THEY'RE in need? To us women. Who do they EXPECT to take care of THEM? Their WOMAN. Who do they EXPECT to cook, clean, do laundry and take care of the kids? Their WOMAN. Who takes care of THEIR 'childish' self when they're not feeling well? Their WOMAN. Who gets things accomplished, takes care of EVERYONE and EVERYTHING; despite everything that's ON her plate? The WOMAN. Despite how SHE feels; physically OR emotionally, SHE 'just does it' all. God forbid she express any exhaustion, distress or need of her own. Then, we're apparently "complaining" and "bitching" unneccessarily. It "must be that time of the month".

How about that good old 'double standard' when it comes to men and women? Men can have 'casual sex' with anyone, and as MANY as they want; and they're 'studs'. But if a woman has 'casual sex'; she's a "whore", "slut", "douchebag"... Many epithets that exude that double standard. She becomes 'locker room talk', 'bathroom wall graffiti'; she was JUST 'a back seat romp'. Do they even remember her NAME? Any MAN that 'sleeps around' is JUST as much of a 'whore' as a WOMAN; and REAL, respectable women, such as myself, don't WANT a man LIKE that. In our opinions, THEY don't 'live up' to OUR standards; which I've been told throughout MY lifetime that MINE are "too high" and "out of reach". My response to that is that MY advancedly disabled butt can reach them; so WHY should I lower them for ANYONE??? That has to be the shortest conversation I've ever had in my life.

Men + illness = BIG CHILD. But women not only take CARE of men when they're ill; we do it when we're ILL ourselves... Usually without complaint. We LOOK at it AS our responsibility to take CARE of those we love. Women are NATURAL 'care takers'; and for the most part, as long as something is within our means, you can consider it DONE.

Women that ARE 'fortune seekers' have many names; the main one is 'Gold Digger'. What are MEN called? 'Con Man' and 'Gigolo' come to mind. Why only TWO for men, but so MANY for women? 'Gigolo' has a couple of different meanings; mainly a man that 'services' women for money. So, MEN that are with a woman FOR the purpose of being PROVIDED FOR are what? Men that lie, cheat and steal; but RETURN to a woman are called WHAT? I have a few names for them; but those are my own personal opinions, of which I'm sure SOME women would agree.

Women have a higher threshhold for pain. I'd LOVE to see a man GIVE BIRTH. I'd love to see a man go through a pregnancy and labor; or even the MONTHLY menstrual cycle, and ALL that comes with it. Yet they complain about shaving... Try shaving ALL the areas that WE have to shave; and then try dealing with 'the comments' made when you DON'T groom. Men need grooming, TOO. Haircuts, shaving, showers; otherwise you smell and look like a 'dumpster child'.

I wish they made a machine that could connect two people; so that one could experience what another 'suffers' on a daily basis. Such as pain conditions... If anyone were connected to me, they'd RUN SCREAMING. But I'm the WOMAN everyone comes to for everything they need done; it doesn't matter what it is. Why? Because I'm smart, dependable, reliable, trust worthy... Things I wish I had in another person; things I SHOULD'VE had in my relationships, but didn't.

The whole "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus" is so VERY true; and thankfully, opposites attract. Otherwise, MEN would have to take care of THEMSELVES, CLEAN for themselves, do their OWN laundry, cook for themselves, etc... And in SOME cases, SUPPORT and PROVIDE for themselves. How lonely they'd be if we DIDN'T enjoy sex or intimacy. Do they even realize that THEY'D be 'virgins' too; if women WEREN'T gratifying of their 'needs'? There are many cliche's to describe such ignorance; the phrase 'one way street' expresses it politely.

So many sayings and cliche's have developed BECAUSE of a woman's rightful place in this world. "Behind every succesful man, is a great woman" is just one. I say "BESIDE every succesful man"... It's 'Man' putting 'Woman' in "our place"; which is BEHIND them, or UNDERNEATH them. Anything but 'Equivalent' to them; despite how actually superior a lot of us are. Women are the 'Hub of the Wheel'; the 'steel' that doesn't bend under stress, or in hard times; the GLUE that holds everything together. THAT'S been MY experience of 51 years... All men did was disappoint and let me down; 'use and abuse' me. I got told that "It wasn't [their] problem" and to "Just deal with it". So... I did JUST that; I did it ALL ON MY OWN. I fixed my own cars and most household issues; I raised and supported my kids BY MYSELF; I bought my OWN house... I did it ALL on my OWN; and STILL do. Many have been 'along for the ride' on my coattails. They're usually 'better' for it; but I certainly haven't been.

I have half a century of experience. Not only do the shows on television depict women in a negative light; but men, in general do. I grew up with stritly males in my home and neighborhood; and then I raised boys. Two of my own, and several along the way for periods of time.

To narrow down 'my opinion' of men based on VAST experience... I can support myself; do for myself; and run MY life and many others, successfully; up front and HONESTLY. NO lies; NO deceit; NO betrayal... IF I ever find a man that is HALF 'the man' I'VE been throughout my life; not only would I be amazed, but I'd be grateful. Perhaps for once in MY life, they'd take a little care of ME. No worries... I know it's wishful thinking.

There is even a song from 'Pitch Perfect' that says it all: "Who runs the world? GIRLS! WE run the world..." Because if MEN were HONEST, they'd STOP with all the 'negativity' surrounding females; and be more grateful. THEY wouldn't even exist WITHOUT us; yet two WOMEN can make a baby together. So, in reality... WOMEN don't 'NEED' men; we CHOOSE to be with them, for whatever reasons. Otherwise, there's really nothing we CAN'T do on our own.

My Blessed Mother raised me and my brothers; not my father. My Blessed Mother worked three jobs, concomitantly to support 4 children; while my father brought home around $1000 per week. But HE didn't support the family with it; he ALLOWED my disabled Mother to be a 'work horse'. I worked multiple jobs to support MY children (that I made with a man); until I was successful enough in my career. I bought and fixed my own cars. I bought my own house and provided for it. I did all of this, LIKE my Blessed Mother; WITHOUT any help from a man. The men that were in, then OUT of my life were MORE like having another child. Women friends experienced the same kinds of things. I've read so many different things, written by mostly women; but some men, that actually reveal the 'trials and tribulations' of BEING a woman. There, apparently, ARE some rare males that feel ABOUT women the way they SHOULD. Too bad the key words there are "some" and "rare".

Men, you NEED to get it together and GROW UP. Make up your minds as to WHAT it is you really WANT. You 'hunt down' the 'trashy' type; but then you have NOTHING GOOD to say about WHAT and WHO YOU desired. Do you even realize that when you seek OUT trash... You're only as good as what you surround yourself with. Do you want to curl up with a REAL WOMAN; one you love and trust? Or do you prefer the cold and dampness of 'dumpsters'; where you can curl up with ALL the trash you desire? My Blessed Mother always said, "If you fill your mind full of garbage, what do you have? A MIND FULL OF GARBAGE." TV, internet sites; girls and boys PUTTING themselves out there in such a way. Would you WANT to see your sister, wife, daughter, cousin... ANYONE you love and care about, once you venued to such 'filth'? I don't know ANY guy that would say, "OH, COOL!!!" So, which IS it? Do you want loose, cheesy, easy, untrustworthy 'females'? Or do you want one you can be PROUD of? Just so you know... WE feel the same way. For a KEEPER; you want one you can be proud of. NOT one that's 'been everywhere, with everyone'. WE look at YOU as 'trashy'. JUST so you know...

I don't know if this situation between men and women will EVER change; it doesn't seem likely. All I know is that with all things considered... As much as it 'sucks' to be alone; it's easier.

As always, I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Sorry it's been so long; but I've had a LOT going on here. Things with Ken; Josh, Lisa and Sully... I've had my hands full, as usual.

So... I've been doing a LOT of thinking since I made Ken leave. I feel I've figured out exactly WHY I was unable to 'let go' of him. Basically, he's a 'bad habit' that I've needed to break. Ken never allowed me in the beginning, to get to know the REAL Him; the man that I fell in love with, doesn't really exist. Ken, himself, is just 'the shell' of the man that I DID fall in love with. Even before I agreed to meet or date him, he filled me FULL of LIES; of things that HE "would never do" to me, or put me through. He certainly surpassed his original dishonesty throughout our relationship.

Due to all that I've come to accept the truth of; I feel I'm finally ready to move on. Some things have a certain degree of difficulty; but I'm FINE. It's just going to take getting used to actually BEING alone. Easier in some ways... I keep myself busy, and my mind otherwise occupied; but right now, I especially have no desire for someone ELSE in my life. To say that Ken has 'ruined me' for other men, would be a bit drastic. However... I've NEVER NEEDED one; and I'm certainly NOT LIKE Ken, where I CAN'T be ALONE. I don't need anyone else to be confident in myself, OR to survive. Ken... He DOES. He's not capable of standing on his OWN two feet; he's always on a WOMAN'S. Frankly, that's just SO SAD... But NOT My problem anymore.

I've done cards, as I usually do. They tell me that he IS active with his 'habits'. He WILL come after me again; because the life he CHOSE, ISN'T really the one he WANTS. I'm STILL his 'ultimate love'. Too bad for HIM that I'll be standing my ground. I knew when he left this time, that he THOUGHT things would be the same; but that's NOT the case. I even said to him right before he left, "You KNOW you're not coming BACK this time, right?" He didn't answer; he just mumbled. Which means he THINKS he's coming back... NOT.

I've said many times before... But now I ACCEPT that our relationship was just ONE BIG Lie. I know that he DID and DOES love me; but his addictions override his feelings for me, as well as all that I've done FOR him. He didn't waste ANY time... He had an ex, and the girl from Brandon's garage on his Facebook; LITERALLY the day, and day after I threw him out. Not to mention ALL the dating and porn sites he uses. I know he's also 'been serviced' from his whores. Money doesn't just disappear, and he can't keep track of his lies. That's a problem with lying; you have to lie, after lie, after lie... But you'll get caught up in your own web; which he did all the time.

ALL that has occured over the years; all the lies and betrayal... I've come to acceptance. I've been hurt, broken and devasted; but I'VE SURVIVED. I've already BEEN through Hell and back; so, I challenge anyone to give it their BEST SHOT... I WILL SURVIVE. I'm old, exhausted and advancedly disabled; but my stride will NOT be broken. I'm not sorry that my "morals, standards and values seem to be out of reach"; but they're NOT for ME... Therefore, I will not lower them for ANYONE. I CAN reach them.

I feel GOOD about my decisions; I know I have some 'self-work' ahead of me. I'd LIKE to get some of the 'old me' BACK... If at all possible. I'm just so fed up with certain aspects of my life; I pray that it's possible. One DAY, and one STEP at a time... ;-)

OK, Mom, I guess I'll close for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... I'm so sorry I didn't make it here on your birthday; so much going on. But when the day passed, and I DIDN'T make it here... I was heartbroken. I know you know I 'worship' you; how could you not? But just as when I was taking care of you in life; I need to hold up my end. It's just hard with everything going on... You know the issues I have with Ken; and everytime I feel like I'm getting closer, my 'suspicions' are confirmed by SOMETHING revealed to me. He's not cheating on me with another woman, physically. He's just looking at TONS of Porn, is on MULTIPLE dating sites, and signs up on apps that are SPECIFICALLY meant for cheating. Like 'Kik'. That's an international messaging and chat app. People use it so they can secretly 'hook up' and there's no evidence. I found ONE of his dating sites WITH his PICTURE... Pointed it out to him, and he STILL denied it. "Oh, THAT'S OLD". Oh REALLY??? With your NEWEST EMAIL ADDRESS and CURRENT AGE attached to it??? On one, he even put that he lived in NY. I GUESS that was supposed to PROVE that it wasn't him; even though it was HIS FACE next to it. I'm just SO SICK of EVERYTHING. He THINKS I can't walk away from him... But he's VERY WRONG. It WILL hurt me... But I CAN DO IT. Only because he HAS made some changes... I'm giving him this ONE LAST CHANCE to do RIGHT by me. He screws this up and DOESN'T go for his RTT counseling; I'm DONE. This WILL be OVER. I'm not gonna continue to SUPPORT him, and work on this so called relationship when ALL he can give me is "I don't knows" and "I can't promise yous". Right NOW, he's using as an excuse for looking at PORN... That we're not intimate anymore and our relationship has changed so drastically. Well YEAH... You've LIED, CHEATED, STOLE from me, and CONTINUE to prove to me that I will NEVER be enough. So, I'm gonna lay down and give him ALL of me WHY??? When he SAYS this and I'm what he WANTS; but he CAN'T STOP doing certain things, that include HUNTING for other women??? So yeah... THIS is IT. He either GETS the help he NEEDS for his sickness, AND does OTHER right and appropriate things instead of leaving it ALL up to me; or we ARE DONE. NO joke. NO 'ifs, ands or buts'. And he will NOT be able to just IMPLANT himself in my home and life, as HE always seems to feel he has the RIGHT to do. I have rights in MY OWN life; despite what ANYONE else thinks. Just because I've been here THROUGH the bad and the ugly; does NOT mean I don't value myself and worth. It took me a LONG time to get where I'm at... And WAS at before Ken destroyed me. I'm not gonna constantly be the one that EVERYONE comes to for EVERYTHING; and then have people that SUPPOSEDLY love me that I'M supporting and doing most everything for, just POUND me into the ground. I don't eat the way I should AND sacrifice SO MUCH to see to it that people in my life have what THEY need. I'm also the only one TRYING to find other means to survive. I'M the seriously DISABLED one that ISN'T supposed to be working. I'M the heart attack/stroke risk, WORKING everyday just to have a home. But Ken thinks it's OK to get paid, have $140 that I KNOW of on him... Then start a fight so he could LEAVE with it. He was back the next day; BROKE. Of course... He couldn't even account for around $30; but I'm supposed to believe that he DIDN'T do what he usually does, and go get 'serviced'.

I truly am at my wits end, Mom... ANY divine intervention you can give would be GREATLY appreciated. It's just NOT fair that people like us have the harder lives. I've lived NOTHING but an honest, 'cards face up on the table' life. I'm an open book... I'm even willing to talk about the most heinous experiences in my life, if it will help another. Someone that used to live here and I've repeatedly tried to help, showed up here last night. She was her 'other' personality; the child that appears when she's distressed. I feel she has some personality disorder, like DPD; but she's untreated. It obviously stems from the abuse she's endured. I'm SO grateful I'm the strong person I am; despite my imperfections. That could've been me... I know she came here because she knew I'd help her; which I did, just not as she expected. I sat with her; talked and listened to her, while I had Ken call 911 to obtain an EME... Emergency Medical Evaluation. So, needless to say, she hates me now; she even said so. I told her I knew that she did, but she'd thank me later. I was trying to get her the help she so DESPERATELY needs. So, I got accused of stealing her stuff and a pair of diamond earrings... Haha Sarah did, too. We did our JOBS. We didn't 'steal' her stuff. So, I left her in the hands of the authorities at that point.

I go above and beyond, ALL the time for others. When will be my turn? Just a little... I'm always having to pay out money for things I SHOULDN'T. I got charged almost $15 for meds I NEVER received. So, there's ANOTHER fight on my hands... Along with Ken's social security and welfare issues, my license issues... And just trying to get through every day with what I CARRY every day. I miss you so much, Mom... We understood each other.

Well, I'm gonna end for now, Mom. Please watch over us and guide us as needed. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Is this a situation where you'd actually SAY 'Happy Anniversary'? Probably in your case. Haha So, Happy 7th RIP Day... Though not a day goes by that I don't miss you, and wish we were together. I'll tell you, Mom; I long for the day. Maybe that sounds horrible, but... I understand you more NOW, than I ever did. I'm so LIKE the 'You' that I remember. Even though I'm PROUD to be my Mother's daughter, the 'things' that I'm referring to remembering are the 'not so pleasant' ones; you know, physically and emotionally. The feelings of loss; not being 'the woman you once were'... I SO am NOT; in ANY way, shape or form REALLY. I've definitely, seriously changed; but I've said it a million times... Ken can thank himself for all of that.

I'm so lost, Mom. I can't imagine my life without CERTAIN things with him; but I can't live my life the way I HAVE been for the last just over 4 years now either. He breaks me down INTO misery... And that's not worth the MOMENTS of happiness. I did cards for the first time in a LONG time this morning because AS USUAL, when I'm stressed out; I can't sleep. It looks to be that my instincts ARE CORRECT; and Ken is doing SOMETHING that involves his 'old habits'. All I know is that he's been ACTING as such; which has led me to be at the point I'm at. But, as usual... It's ALL MY FAULT, because of MY issues and insecurities. Well. I'm VERY SECURE in WHO and WHAT I am as a person and a woman; so, it's NOT THAT. It's HIM... I don't need USELESS crap, CRAMMED down my throat because HE'S insecure, and has low self esteem. I'm good at MOST of what I do, and that intimidates people; idiotically. I UNDERSTAND envy; but don't let it DESTROY you, or what you HAVE.

Anyway... Today is not a day I want to sit and 'vent' to you; I haven't been here in quite a while due to all that's going on in my life. I just wanted some quality time, ALONE with my Mother and Best Friend; today, of all days. To tell you HOW MUCH I love and miss you, and wish you were here... 

So, on that note... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... I just wanted to drop you a quick note to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! As you know, things here have been EXTREMELY busy; but I couldn't let one of our special days go by without telling you just HOW much I love and miss you... EVERY DAY. As always, Mom, I'm hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Obviously, I couldn't sleep; I was afraid of that last night. I'm just SO stressed out, and it just seems to KEEP piling on... I'm majorly stressed about money; because I never HAVE any!!! I get paid; but it's SPENT before I even get it. Why? Because there's so much on MY plate... I just don't even know what to do anymore. And it's people I help, that hurt me; SOMEHOW.

I've been working SO HARD on my relationship; I've even thought a lot about marriage. Plus it's been shoved in my face basically, pretty much daily. I had access to Ken's phone without him around ALL day yesterday; but I never touched it until I sent him something, and didn't hear his notification sound. Then, as it usually does... Things popped up in front of my face; which makes me investigate further. I opened his phone to see if he got what I sent on Messenger; and his Google just OPENED... But WHAT it opened to, is what I have a problem with; proof of his lies, emotional infidelity, search for WHATEVER it is he's looking for that he apparently doesn't have with ME; and of course, the fact that he's just 'sick'. Mom; he NEEDS counseling for his sex addiction. If he is STILL seeking these things WHILE things are GOOD between us... What about when he just 'gets itchy' for some young thing? He just loves his young, junkie whores. But to be looking at porn, which he CLAIMS he doesn't even like; and the KIND of porn, to boot. PLUS he's looking up LOCAL MEN'S Adult Entertainment clubs; to include in Bedford where he has to go for appointments. River Road where he has to go for appointments... So, WHY does he need THAT bull shit??? I can't do this again... I saw what I saw in the cards; the Queen of Cups, which comes up as his 'bad habits'. I just tried to read it as Tori... Especially now, I'm afraid it IS his 'bad habits' creeping to the surface. I've given him TRUST that he certainly doesn't deserve; because I wanted this to work. I sacrifice EVERYTHING and have nothing since he's back. For what? To continue on the 'Roller Coaster of Horror', where UGLY, skanky sluts, whores/prostitutes and junkies are more important, interesting and WHATEVER than ME? I just can't do it anymore. I swore that if I found he was cheating on me in ANY way, shape or form... I was OUT. DONE. But THEN I have the thought that he just recently brought up his Mental Health; how he wants me to be involved, especially come time to approach the sex addiction. So, do I wait it out, and just keep an eye on things in the interim? I HATE living like this... Feeling like a paranoid, insecure twit; when I'M a woman most men want, but can't HAVE. I actually LOVE him, and he's just SO willing to risk it all; and for WHAT and WHO??? People that are LIKE him, I guess... Birds of a feather... And you're only as good as what you surround yourself with. Is that part of my purpose in this? An attempt to 'improve his image'? While mine is somewhat destroyed... Along with my heart. Never again. If I find ANY more proof of these things; it's DONE. WE'RE DONE. I'M better than all of that bull shit. NOBODY helped ME make it in this life; I stand on my OWN two feet. As usual, my load is VERY heavy with the amount weighing on my shoulders; others along for 'the ride' on my coattails. When do I get to start 'coasting' a little? Go along for a 'ride' MYSELF? I'M not even asking for a 'FREE ride'; but some time in 'the side car' for a change, and my money to myself would be a NICE change. 

Well, Mom; I don't know... I need your guidance and assistance; as you usually provide anyway. I'm not making any rash decisions, because I DO love him... But I can't accept OR live with what I know ABOUT him; he needs to change, and get the HELP to DO so. He needs to PRACTICE 'good relationship techniques'; being honest, FAITHFUL and trustworthy. Practice makes perfect... Time for 'perfection' in this situation. 

OK, Mom... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Ken says "Hi"… So, How do you like my little 'home office'? I LOVE IT!!! Sully's OLD room is just PEFECT for 'Wy's Space'. Haha And Lisa just sent me pics of 'Sully's Room'. He has letters like mine, spelling his name on the wall; it looks GREAT. So, he has his own room now at Lisa's; it's OFFICIAL. YESSSSSSS!!! Now... I can concentrate on MY life; mine and Ken's TOGETHER. Sully's enrolled in school with Josh & Lisa, where they live... TOGETHER. I'm VERY pleased at the moment about living ACCOMMODATIONS. Now, it's time to get going on the rest; income for Ken, so that we can work toward OUR future. For the first time in a LONG time... I feel we may actually HAVE one; a future, that is. We're doing really WELL; and have even managed to get through a few little... Well, they START little (Haha)... Disagreements. We're TRYING to get through them differently; BECAUSE they get so explosive. We fight as passionately as we love; 'explosive' lovers become 'explosive' fighters. It's NEVER a pretty picture when we fight; so we're developing skills and techniques to get through and past things. It basically requires Ken to 'follow my lead', listen, and actually ACT upon the topic of discussion. For quite some time now, that topic has revolved around money. I'm not a 'greedy' person; if anything, I'm far too giving. It's just a FACT that it takes TWO incomes to run a household that has more than ONE person IN it. Too MANY people have been living off of my ONE income for TOO long; and steps need to be TAKEN in order for that to NOT be the case. Social Security will let this go on for-EVER... If I and HE allow it to. I can't; so, that means TIME FOR ACTION. We actually got into it the other day; really BAD. But I said what I MEANT; I'm DROWNING, and it needs to STOP. I need HELP and CHANGE from both Ken and Blayze. Josh is FINALLY on the right track. Granted, I forced it quite a bit... Haha But, it was LONG overdue; it was TIME. Since then, Ken and I have gotten even better. 

I have to admit that I find all this 'wedding' stuff that KEEPS arising, to be quite funny... Haha I had a conversation with Ken about marriage; and that I was feeling more positive about it. That I'd really like to ACTUALLY be his 'WIFE'. I would... Marriage has just scared me all of these years; it's not like I've been 'lucky in love'. Haha  There was a wedding on my soap that was just SO beautiful and touching; I was choked and one big 'goosebumple' throughout the entire thing. Tears and all... Haha Then yesterday, while putting my office together; I came across those stickers that YOU used to use for weddings. Haha I looked at Ken and said, "What the hell is all this stuff about weddings lately?" He just laughed... Haha He, in all honesty, brought up marriage just a short time into our relationship; we were still staying at Irene's. But there would've been, and was NO way I would've hopped into marriage. But admittedly... There have been thoughts here and there about us actually GETTING married. When new number patterns show up, it makes me wonder... For instance, '10:20'; Ken keeps seeing it, and so do I. I've also noticed for quite some time now that '7:11' is another one I see CONSTANTLY. I'm curious as to the significance... 

So, for a change, Mom... Things are going pretty well. The only issues I'm really having are financial and physical. My pain is OUT of control; I can't sleep, because I can't get comfortable enough to get past the pain. I get such intermittent sleep to begin with. I use pillows to TRY to assist with the pain... But I KNOW what I need; I just can't afford it. Chiropractic Care. My entire body is SO messed up, Mom... I remember and LIKED what Dr. Reinfurt said to me when I first started seeing him; "I wanna take you apart, and put you back together again." That would've been SO nice... But thanks to insurance issues and not having money for myself; none of that is possible. Hopefully, when Ken's SSDI comes through, now that he's agreed to help me work on it... I'll be able to get supplemental insurance; both of us could. I'd like dental, too. I need things for my mouth and teeth, and so does he. So, other than what HE wants to buy when he gets the settlement, and investing; I think we should look into those AND life insurance. A small policy of some sort; but we're middle-aged. We NEED it. 

Well, Mom, I guess that's it for today. I need to go down to the office briefly to check if ONE last person paid or not; then I want to come up, and cook some breakfast. I'll be back as soon as I can. For now, I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Sorry it's been so long; but I know you know how my life is... I just never have time for ME. I haven't been feeling well lately either; which really SUCKS, because I had a fairly decent stretch after being sick for SO long. To feel the way I do after even submitting to a medication for my PAIN... I truly feel the med is CAUSING me irritation, and the DESIRE to eat; even though I'm not hungry. I've gained some weight; I'm seeing digits I haven't seen in YEARS. Yet everyone is telling me how GREAT I look; except Ken. He tells me not to put myself down; that I still look good. But HE'LL down me for eating a couple spoonfuls of marshmallow to curb the craving; just like you taught me all those years ago. I hadn't eaten much at ALL throughout the day either; but he just had to say that my eating a COUPLE spoonfuls of marshmallow happened to be the third time I ate since I got back up to the apartment from the office. Let me see... During the day, I drank one of my meal replacement drinks; for lunch, I had yogurt and granola. I waited until around 7-7:30 PM before I ate any dinner; which was equivalent to ONE piece of pizza, judging by size and content. A little while later, I got the munchies; but rather than cook a dessert, I cut up an APPLE and ate that. I figured cutting it into pieces, gives you the illusion that you're eating more. So, that was the second thing he 'recorded' that I ate; before the COUPLE spoonfuls of marshmallow, being the third. God, PLEASE FORGIVE me for my sins. Haha If eating in the attempt to gain some sort of comfort, to fill the multiple VOIDS in my life is my BIGGEST SIN... I think I'll still make it through the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Haha I'M the one that suffers the repercussions of MY actions; no one else. I'M the one that has to lose the weight. What, does it make me less 'Hot'? God forbid... Yet he can cheat on me, or end UP during a breakup with a woman that's, I'm sorry... Fat and ugly; FUGLY. Haha Or the nastiest of the nasty of whores and junkies. He'll polute his body in MULTIPLE ways, while I CARE about what I consume; but I should watch what I eat. I think that's MY decision; that's what HE'D say to me. I'm not 'hot' enough for you anymore??? That's too bad... Maybe Kelly would like another round with you. Now SHE'S NASTY; but he just HAD to have her. He SAID she was a huge disappointment; but how do I know...? Hard to believe much that comes out of a 'charmer's' mouth. I'll tell you what, Mom; I wouldn't be here if I didn't FEEL, SENSE and SEE that he genuinely loves me. Because you just don't DO a lot of the things he does to me, to someone you love. You can tell they're purposeful; but he'd just deny it, so it's not even worth bringing up. But YOU know what happens to me when things build up... I eventually EXPLODE. It seems to happen when Ken and I fight; as passionately as we love. I HATE the way he acts, and the things that he says and does. He slams and breaks things; like his phone... So, now he's without one. NOT MY responsibility to invest SO MUCH money into someone that doesn't APPRECIATE it. That's one reason I don't buy him phones anymore. HE doesn't pay for anything, because he has MORE minimal of an income than he SHOULD and COULD; so he lacks PURE and TRUE appreciation for whatever he gets. HOW do I end UP with these MEN???!!! WHEN is someone going to put ME first, and take care of ME a little? Ken does in WAYS... But in a lot of the important ones, he doesn't. On top of the damage he continues to cause. 'LOVE' will only carry you SO far... The REST is up to YOU, personally. If you don't put effort into the things that REALLY matter; it self destructs. WE have on numerous occasions due to HIS lack of effort; yet he feels ENTITLED to my time and space. I want the same for myself, that I give the other person; time and space. But HE refuses to give it to me in the place that I WORK MY ASS off for; to the point of illness. Apparently, only HIS needs, wants and desires are, and deserve to be recognized. THINK AGAIN. I already sacrifice SO MUCH of myself, and what I NEED or WANT; he'd BEST think again. And the name calling, of which maybe the prostitutes and whores he's been with might deserve; but I DON'T. He'd BEST learn to control his anger, as well as his issues; because the DAMAGE just keeps piling up. I WILL REACH a point of 'No Return' if the BS doesn't cease and desist. He's PROMISED me COMPLETE change this time; meaning that he was FINALLY ready to travel the RIGHT road, for the RIGHT reasons. This includes a multitude of different things... I've seen SOME change; but NOT ENOUGH to spend another eternity TRYING to 'fix' him. HE needs to do it himself. HE needs to take action on the things that need to be accomplished; WITHOUT 'Punishing' me. Blah, blah, blah; yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm SO tired of talking about the same things; over and over.

You know, Mom... That IS something I've noticed; I write and complain about the SAME things with Ken. Four years, December 1. I'll sit to write; open up some cloud I have, and I'll see something I wrote last year; or in the previous years. They're the SAME things I always write about; with significant difference, of course. It's just that the SAME issues with Ken were happening 3-½ years ago, that are today. His anger issues, the way he treats ME; lying. Blaming me for everything that happens, yet NOT giving me credit I deserve. Not allowing me to talk. THAT'S what caused the blowout yesteray; that, and giving me the line of "YOU don't know EVERYTHING." Yeah, NO SHIT; but I DO know A LOT. A lot of stuff that has benefited a lot of people over the course of MANY years; not just me and mine. Even IF what I have to say isn't correct in fact; I STILL have the RIGHT to SAY it, in order to CONFIRM fact or fiction. I'M an ARIES... You can ASK for, or say NICELY whatever you wish; but don't TELL, ORDER or DENY an Aries ANYTHING. THAT'S when you will have crossed the line, and more than likely... Hammered the LAST nail into your coffin. Lying and cheating, as well; TRUST will be DISSIPATED. IF given the chance to EARN it back; time will be the vehicle traveled... And it will be a LONG ride before hitting destination. But it's NOT impossible. Some are TOO trusting by nature; I USED to be. Now... People are given 'benefit of the doubt' until trust is earned. I have an infinite number of battle wounds and scars; I really don't need or want any more. 

I've said a BILLION times, that I don't want to live my old life. I survived it ONCE; I shouldn't have to AGAIN. Once, was ONE time too MANY. Always at the hand of 'the one I love'… Things with Ken have gotten more explosive this last year. I just seem to have a hard time holding it ALL in; I explode right along with him, once I reach a point. I said once to a man I was DESPERATELY trying to get away from; him and the abuse... I said, "I don't like who I am when I'm with you." That's how I've felt, especially about our last few REAL fights. I'M not a monster... And I don't like FEELING like one. But I AM HUMAN; I reach a breaking point where I JUST CAN'T take it anymore. I REACT. He's gotten physical with me, too... Not a direct punch; but it doesn't HAVE to reach that level, to be catergorized as ABUSE. 

I'm tired... SICK and tired of it all. I want a life with him; but NOT if that's how it's going to be. The older I get, the more DIS-ABLED I get. I'm in NO shape to HAVE to defend myself; not that I should have to against KEN anyway... Or anyone, for that matter. I'M a peaceful, giving and understanding person. If I wasn't, KEN sure as Hell wouldn't be here!!! Or even a part of my life... But I've forgiven HIM 'the unforgiveable'; MULTIPLE times. THAT needs to come to an end, too. I shouldn't always HAVE to be 'forgiving' him things. Not that he says he's sorry ANYWAY; it's a rarity. That's another thing that causes real damage; but it's his character. Everything is about him; what HE gets out of it. I was actually PROUD of him for letting Blayze have the new phone. THAT worked out for the better. The phone he got off Blayze got smashed; not a several HUNDRED dollar phone that's not even paid off yet. Yeah... So, I won't be adding him to my Xfinity account. I was afraid of that happening anyway. But I'm not gonna get him a phone, have him DESTROY it; but then leave ME hanging with the bill. OR... He ends up screwing up again; starts a fight with ME, and takes OFF with the phone. I end up with THAT bill, and HE ends up with, yet another woman. No thank you. I don't even want to count the ones I KNOW about... Of course, HIS story changes a lot about it; like coming home from TN having slept with TWO women in the week he was there. That turned into ONE; so either he lied to me THEN, or is lying about it NOW. GOD!!! I'm just SO SICK of it all. Things NEED TO CHANGE; one way or another.

Something GOOD that's happened is that Sully is FINALLY living with Josh. I hope and pray to GOD that it lasts; that, AND his relationship with Lisa. She's good for the both of them. I know she's a lot older; she's a year older than me. But you and I even had conversations about how he'd probably need an older woman; and it's not like she LOOKS it. She looks OLDER than him; just not OUR age. I still can't believe I'm 50. Haha I'll be 51 before reality sets in. Haha  Danny and Roy's birthdays are coming up soon. I'll at least talk to Danny. Haha  Yeah, nothing's changed.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Thanks for always being here... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom, I actually have 2 entries in this ONE. I wrote the first part August 15, but couldn't finish. The other one, I wrote today. So, here we go...

Morning, Mom. I've been up for a couple of hours now; finally settled enough to sit, and spend some time with YOU... And in all honesty, I need some time with my Blessed Mother; I SO wish you were here. But per usual, my time was needed for other things, and there's NO time for me and/or what I need; never mind want. I'm too busy working... 7 days per week, JUST here at the building. It doesn't matter that I mainly only work a few hours per day; a full day on Friday. Then, a few hours on both Saturday and Sunday; that's 7 days per week, no matter HOW you look at it. Day OFF... WHAT'S THAT??? I even have to go to the office on my holidays; it doesn't matter that the 'CLOSED' sign is up. It never did... Oh, but you remember that I'm NOT supposed to be working, right Mom? I was TOLD to stop 9-1/2 years ago; for the final time. I never took it seriously before, I guess. I woke up every morning; breathed... And I was SO capable of things then, that NOW... All I can do is 'cherish and relish the memories'. "Acceptance"; it seems it should be something that comes relatively easy... But it isn't, IS it Mom? My OWN words to YOU, still echo in my eardrums: "Sometimes, you JUST gotta submit." Yeah, OK... MUCH more easily said than done; and NOW, even more than ever, I feel Your pain. I understand a LOT more why you felt the way you did; why you actually ASKED me to "just let [you] die". I can empathize, in all honesty. I'm SO tired; SICK and tired... Of just everything. 

I'm 50 years old now; and HOW MANY TIMES have I sworn, even just to myself that things were GONNA change??? Yeah, well GUESS what... I'm STILL waiting. I'VE changed a lot over the years; but other people haven't. I've 'grown', even further "ahead of my time" than I ever was. I'm sure that's to be expected. That's a big part of what LIFE is all about; learning and growing. But what do you do, and how do you handle being so 'grown up' as a child; people THINK you're older than you are? That was me... I was in elementary school, being asked how I liked HIGH school. Haha Remember that, Mom? Too funny; especially when I look YOUNGER, now that I'm older. Haha NO complaints about that. THANK YOU for your GREAT DNA, Mom. Haha 1st through 3rd grade, when we took dancing lessons; I was in the beginning of elementary school, but was in the ADULT dance classes. I caught on quickly and had "Natural talent", as it was stated to me. Same with church choir; I was in middle school, but in the ADULT church choir. I got a lot of solos, too. People said I "sang like an Angel"... I miss that; singing so well. I wish I knew then, what I know now... If there's ANY possible way to get my voice back, that I never should've lost in the first place; I'd GREATLY appreciate some 'Divine Intervention'. Anyway, my point is that I've always done things at an 'Advanced Level'; probably the Aries in me, mixed with the upbringing I had with you. It's 'difficult', to say the least, being in my shoes; just being me. I'm tired of being 'the one' that EVERYBODY turns to for EVERYTHING; sacrificing my own needs, wants and desires ALL of the time BECAUSE of it. WHEN, if EVER, will I have a life of my own??? I think the Lord, and all that is Holy KNOWS I've earned it; I'm not 'asking' in exchange for nothing. I'm tired of being treated the way I am treated by my LOVED ones; I'm just taken for granted. "Mom (or Wylene) will do it; SHE'LL be there. She always IS." Yup. Whether it's just a shoulder to cry on, or I give you the shirt RIGHT off my back; because that's always what ends up happening, in one way or another. Money, that I DON'T really have to just 'give away'; whether it's a, so called 'loan', or I end up just supporting them... Or BOTH. I'm currently IN these situations; with 3 other people on my ONCE per month Disability check. Living in the space that I work so hard for; for 3 YEARS before getting what I have now. Ken does things here and there; so he FEELS he's 'earning his keep'. He just received the food stamps that I basically got for him; I did all the work. So, THAT was nice to go shopping again, to get some things I couldn't AFFORD to buy last time. Also because I'm soley raising and supporting MY son's son; he sees him now and then, but doesn't provide me with anything for him except unneeded toys. LOUD toys, too; those can go home with HIM. Neither is Tori; she just pops in and out to see him. She wants him for the upcoming weekend... You know what? Whatever. Josh said since Tori CONCEIVED Sully that HE "didn't sign up for this; to be tied down to a kid..." Yeah, OK. You know WHO didn't sign up for this, and even gave WARNING NOT to get involved with her? Let me think now for a minute... OH YEAH! That would be ME. It was ALSO me at one time, a long time ago that said to my son, "Don't think you can have a kid someday, and drop it on MY doorstep..." So, what's wrong with THIS current picture??? Not only am I raising and supporting Sully, I'm sacrificing my own life and freedom to do it. Again, something just taken for granted. Even if I ASK for help, which I've done 2-3 times in 4 YEARS... I don't get it. Josh will give me SOME song and dance about why he CAN'T help me out with a little SUPPORT for HIS son. Then, I'll find out a little down the road that he actually gave TORI money at that time, AFTER he refused me. So, the bottom line is that Josh has money for whatever HE wants it for; just NOT for his son. Unless, of course it's needless stuff that JOSH wanted to spend his money on for him; it didn't matter that what I needed it for was FOOD to FEED his son. But, whatever; it's exactly what I'm used to... From MOST people. What do I know anyway, right Mom? Because I'm "an idiot". Haha Sorry, I have to laugh... I'M the "idiot" that everyone TURNS to when THEY have something wrong in THEIR lives; they need comfort or advice; a place to stay, God HELP me... Or help with something; could be with something like moving, or something that utilizes my 'knowledge prowess'. I'm just 'multi' EVERYTHING; multi tasker, multiple level Abuse Survivor; multi talented, or at least USED to be... I still have skills and talents; I've just lost certain functionality and some abilities, due to my DIS-abilities. But I keep on 'truckin' along, doing the best I can at everything I DO; just like you raised me. SO unlike the 'bimbos' I'm seeing on TV right now; that Ken is just PEELED to, when normally, he'd be out the door right now. Haha It's not like he hasn't seen THIS ONE, several times. We actually stopped watching this show recently for that very reason; but it's what Blayze put on. And YUP; NOW that it's over, he's on his way to take care of what I asked him to. Couldn't miss the 'TV Sluts' in bikinis. Whatever... It's WHAT he's attracted to; so what the HELL he's doing with me, I'll never know. But we all know why he likes his little "Installment Plan" relationship; it gives him time to BE a slut. Why the Hell I'm still 'involved'… I won't be much longer or ever again, if he doesn't get OFF his butt, make the CALLS he needs to get his meds; and I don't start seeing some ACTION where his Social Security is concerned. I'M not gonna continue to be HIS 'income' and support, while he sits back... Does MINIMAL around here...And doesn't take action to get HIS shit together. MY life NEEDS to be SIMPLIFIED. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE GET THAT????!!!! I was literally ON my death bed not long ago, and continued to do ALL that I do, that I could manage; which was a LOT.

(Today)

Morning, Mom. What a night... I'm so tired, literally, of these sleep disorders. I'd LOVE to get a good night's sleep for a change. Sometimes... A lot of the time... It's not just that I get up every hour to use the bathroom; it's that my mind just DOESN'T stop. Not just about things that are bothering me; they're also things that I really just don't get to talk about. Not even with Ken; who's the reason I'm having the 'thoughts' to begin with. He's hurt me... VERY BADLY over the course of these, almost 4 years. He's truly broken me. Yet here I am; again. Why, after everything? Because I just seem to have limited 'will power' where he's concerned; though it's definitely grown stronger over the years. Something happened the beginning of the week, I truly wasn't sure I was gonna be able to forgive him; but I ended up convincing myself to. I woke UP still angry... And that's never a good thing. That means that we've crossed a line; gone to a whole new level. He screws up again... It truly WILL be 'goodbye'. So, things REALLY better change this time, and HE better step up to HIS responsibilities in this household AND relationship; or it WILL be over. The cards are positive right now... For he and I, anyway. They have been since we broke up last time. He still DID things during that time though; that I'm having trouble with. His 'wrong actions' and consistent betrayals have all built up over this course of time. During our last separation, I did a LOT of work on myself; and in all honesty, conversations I had with Chris were instrumental in my 'healing'. The things he said to me, he MEANT; and I needed to hear those things, in the WAY I did, from someone that truly loved and cared about me. I know that Chris does, and that he meant EVERY WORD that came out of his mouth. I WISH I could feel that way with Ken; but he's lied so much, and he says the same things to ALL women. I should feel special, WHY??? His arms could hold just anyone; and his lips... They held the same standards; and FROM them came the same affectionate terms, that should ONLY have been meant for ME. How can anyone throw 'love' around like a bouncy ball? How can you tell another that you've loved THEM all of your life? A dirty, nasty whore; that he was willing to MOVE to be with, yet again. How many times is THAT going to happen? "The Installment Plan" is what he jokes about it... THIS will be the LAST installment; BANK on it. I AM different now, and I KNOW what I DESERVE. I'M BACK to a great extent; what Cari used to refer to as her "stomp on my man, Wylene". Haha THAT was only because of all the abuse, and I had to fight my way through life. I want to be DONE fighting for everything, that I should JUST be 'entitled' to. HAPPINESS is a good one. Haha I DESERVE it, so I'd LIKE to HAVE it. I'd like to have it WITH Ken. I WANT to get past all of this, and just move on; but it's mainly up to HIM... To DO what he NEEDS to do; ALL of it. Counseling, Anger Management, meds for his conditions, and KEEP UP with his Social Security so that we have TWO incomes. We need to put away for our future; we need a place to go TO from here, and a WAY to do it. That will take two incomes to accomplish in our situation. He NEEDS to STEP UP; NOW. I'M dealing with a LOT, and on my OWN. I don't have a 'ME' to talk to. I come HERE; when I CAN. I loved the daily mornings with you; I'd LOVE that back. With you, I can express how I truly feel.

I am working very hard at our relationship; again. I'm trying SO HARD to get over the hurt of everything that's happened; but I'm experiencing emotions I THOUGHT I had 'under control'. About ALL the OTHER WOMEN he's been with DURING the time frame of our relationship; I don't even want to count the ones I KNOW about. The prostitutes... One that REALLY eats me up is that he JUST HAD to 'purchase' the services of a whore I KNOW, and TRIED to help get clean. She's a JUNKIE WHORE, that doesn't WANT to change; not even for her son. Ken 'heard' about her from 'customers' right here in the building; so within DAYS of us breaking up, he contacted her to have SEX with her. When I told him I knew all about it and how... He actually LAUGHED with a look on his face of actual contentment. It didn't matter that the WORDS that came out of his mouth were, "I KNEW that was gonna come back to bite me in the ass. Don't worry; I wrapped it before I tapped it." "She wasn't YOU" was supposedly how he felt about the result of his actions. Apparently, according to HIM; the rumors weren't true. Gee... I'm SO SORRY for you; ASSHOLE. What if during our 'separation', I decided to sleep with JD? Or, God forbid, LUKE? HOW WOULD HE FEEL??? But, in HIS words... "We were broken UP." Yeah... But you KNEW you were gonna come after ME; AGAIN. It's NOT an excuse; it's a whore master thing. I'M not a WHORE. So, if he LOVES them so much; why doesn't he just go GET one, INSTEAD of being with a REAL WOMAN like ME? With ALL I've forgiven and put UP with from him; all I DO FOR him... It's JUDGMENT TIME; just like the cards say. Time to either BE a REAL MAN; or just go back to the wayward life he apparently CAN'T stay away from. Not even for TRUE love. The cards DO say it's possible; but they ALSO say that he HAS to take the necessary steps in ORDER for it to. Those steps would be the things I already mentioned. If he can't do any of that, well... Then it WILL be time for me to 'throw in the towel'; love of my life, or not. I told him that if he can accomplish all he needs to, AND STAYS FAITHFUL to me over the course of the next couple of years or so... THAT'S when I'll marry him. I've invested a LOT of EVERYTHING into this relationship; I don't want to lose it. I'll never FIND this kind of love again in my life. But neither will HE. He NEEDS to get on the ball; GET and KEEP his priorities straight; and maintain his FOCUS on what HE needs to accomplish for this relationship, and OUR future. He needs to work on HIS contributions to all of this. I'm HOPING he's beyond just 'wanting a free ride', and going with just ANYONE to get it. What a way to live... I LIKE being able to stand on my own two feet; ALWAYS have. I can't even fathom living that way... You're literally selling YOURSELF, for 'accommodations'. Just wow. I COULDN'T do it; and HE KNOWS it. So, I certainly don't want my life to CONTINUE on the path of being 'the provider'. People NEED to get on THEIR own two feet, so that I can have just a LITTLE of what's mine; or supposed to be, anyway. It's not just Ken; it's my boys, too. Everybody needs to start 'paying their own way'. Ken's food stamps are a BIG help; thank GOD for those. Josh... He NEEDS to take responsibility of Sully; it's TIME. I hope I've made that clear. It actually HAPPENED; briefly. 2-3 days, Ken and I FINALLY... For the FIRST time in nearly 4 YEARS, got a taste of having OUR place be OUR place; and some actual privacy. It was AWESOME. We got even closer; but then it ALL blew up in MY face. Ken's too, but HE exacerbated the situation. HE exploded in my face; literally. But I'm not scared or intimidated by him, just like I'm not by ANYONE; but honestly, I could end up really hurt if things got REALLY physical... NOW. This last time, it did; just a little. He ended up seriously injuring the thumb and surrounding area on my hand; it had a huge bruise, and everything. It STILL hurts pretty bad. ALL I wanted and asked him to do, was EXACTLY what we agreed; he'd go for a walk to calm down. He wouldn't do it, so it got explosive; as usual. We fight as passionately as we love; unfortunately. The LOVE part is GREAT!!! I just HATE arguing and/or fighting. I like to TALK things out; THAT'S how things get RESOLVED. NOT by fighting and arguing about it. I have feelings, too; and SOMETIMES, I need to express them. That's how I work things out. But I have NO ONE but You, Mom... Thank the Lord for THAT. 

For the most part, this last month and a half; Ken and I have been REALLY GOOD. That's why it KILLS me when he pulls the things he does; it triggers emotions of our history. I've forgiven him A LOT. I pray he's finally ready to be the Man he should be; the man that Dad always wanted him to be. He feels heartbroken because he never got to ask Dad before he died, if he was proud of him. I, unfortunately in a way, already knew the answer to that question; Dad and I have had our OWN conversations, as well as ones with Mom. He didn't like or approve of the way Ken lived his life; but he LOVED him. He wanted him to change, and settle down; "keep it in his pants", as Dad put it right TO Ken one time. Haha But in order for a parent to be 'proud'; you have to give them REASON to be. Ken didn't and doesn't... He's lived his life by the seat of his pants; and made too many decisions with 'his other head', living OFF of multiple women. They didn't and don't approve; and it's nothing TO be proud of. They want him to be a real man. I get that; so do I... And I feel the SAME way about my OWN son, Josh. Blayze; he GIVES me reason to be proud, which is also why I'm so willing to help him. Even at my own expense and sacrifice. But even HE needs to get it a little more together, so that he IS in complete independence of me. He needs to acquire a better job in order to do that. Therefore, now that he has a different vehicle; he needs to do something ABOUT that. 

For the most part, I'm pleased about how things are going with Ken. I'm very happy that we were able to get through this last 'blow out', and so rapidly. We were back together the very next day; but my biggest issue was that he LEFT in the first place, and HOW he left. He didn't say a word; he JUST left. We stayed in contact, but argued; he was his usual self throughout the entire time. Name calling and so forth; so, I actually lowered myself to the level I hate... I retaliated with FACT; but still participated in a verbal battle of insults. We got UP in each others faces... It was actually pretty brutal. I don't WANT to live my old life; I've said that a MILLION times. It's ALL too familiar; and creates cause for the same old emotions to arise, but more intensified. All due to the multiple and repeated betrayals... It's called PTSD. When things blew up, he SHOULD'VE stayed here and seen it through WITH me; not punished me for things that were completely out of my control. Then the entire time I'm trying to deal with MY relationship blowing up; I'm also playing Lisa's counselor, once again for her's and Josh's doing the same. I know and feel it's because of FEAR; of change and responsibility of Sully. He's preached for SO many years about a certain way of life, and HOW things are supposed to be; but NOW he's gotta change his MIND? Yes; in order to be with a REAL woman like Lisa. She has her issues; but she's a GOOD and REAL woman and person. Josh is LUCKY and FORTUNATE to have her love. I was so hopeful... It doesn't matter that she's my friend and age. I also feel comfortable with her involvement with Sully; she's a Mother AND a Grandmother. A good one, at that. Again, she HAS her issues... But weigh it all out, and Josh was fortunate. I hope he comes around.

I know I still have a LONG way to go; but I'm TRYING and WORKING at it SO hard. I WANT this to work. I'd LIKE to marry him someday... I'd LOVE to be his actual wife; but we have some work to do before that can ever happen. I NEED to know that I AM and HAVE been, the ONE and ONLY. Not even so much as 'emotional cheating'; like by messaging other women, or ANYTHING for that matter. He needs to accomplish what he needs to with his mental health AND Social Security. I NEED to SEE the efforts, AND some results; and not just because I've DONE it FOR him, like welfare. HE needs to get on it. HE needs to want a REAL life, bad enough. One with me... I pray that he's finally ready. I don't want anymore 'let downs' either. I don't want to feel like I have to face things alone anymore. Any assistance from up above would be greatly appreciated.

OK, Mom; I have to go get ready for work. As usual... I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a day... <3

Hi, Mom. Sorry so much time has passed; but I know you understand all that's going on... And I'm one person. But health wise, I'm doing and feeling a LOT better. I've gotten back into my desire to cook; and other things that are truly 'me' are starting to come back, as well. I've really been putting a LOT of effort into everything; from changes within myself, to my relationship with Ken, right down to the business.

I wanted to log on today and tell you how WELL things are and have been going with Ken... But we literally, just had a little dispute. Why? Because I TRIED to talk to him about some things I happen to be knowledgeable about, and benefit mainly HIM; but as usual, he doesn't let me talk, ASSUMES things, and of course... I can't POSSIBLY know what I'm talking about, right? And how I would "complicate" things for him, I just don't know. WHAT is it that HE'S hiding and doesn't want me to KNOW??? I'VE been REALLY GOOD; even with my 'issues'. So, HE has NO excuses for treating me the way he did today; and IF he thinks I'll just keep tolerating it and him because I 'love' him... THINK AGAIN. I've been doing a LOT of work on MYSELF; perhaps HE needs to catch up on doing the same. I give him ALL the credit in the world when he earns and deserves it; but when 'old attitudes' arise, it makes me wonder what 'old actions & behaviors' have also arisen. He's been talking in his sleep, JUST lately. Now, he's arguing with me over NOTHING...??? Makes me wonder what HE'S guilty of. This is how he acts when he's 'guilty'. I've treated him with, and given him TRUST; which is EARNED. But because I want this to work, I'M TRYING my HARDEST. He just contacted me again to see if I'm going up; you should've heard the tone... I'm sure you did. "You coming up here, or WHAT?" Yeah, sure... You're REALLY making me WANT to. He keeps this up... He'll be going to Mom's. PERIOD. I'll even HAVE him dropped off. You see, Mom... WHAT HAVE I DONE to provoke or invoke his behavior this afternoon??? We even had a GREAT morning; instigated by ME... Something I KNOW he likes. I've been what he should APPRECIATE, especially after ALL HE'S put me through. He has NO excuses; not that he EVER did for what he's done to me over the course of our relationship. How people treat you is a reflection on THEM; NOT you. I treat people according to how they treat me... He's made me not want to be around or near him; but he wants to know when I'm going back up. WHY??? For more inappropriate treatment? Things have been SO GOOD, with only a couple 'bumps' we had to get over. THIS just brings back too many 'bad' memories. But anyway... I best go.

OK, Mom, I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. I'm sorry that it's been a while; but I know that you see, and you understand all that I go through, and what goes on... My [so called] 'Life'; this joke that God has been playing on me for 50 years. Haha I know though, Mom; you said it when I was 2-3 years old: I'd have a "VERY difficult life", BECAUSE of who I am, and from where I came... YOU; a 'Superior Being'. And THAT, my Blessed Mother, you ALWAYS were; whether YOU realized it or not... Everyone around you DID. ;-)  Yet you always gave ME 'the Props', when you deserved them yourself. I guess, that's just what REAL Mothers do... And THAT, you were/are also; as well as right about MOST of what you've said to me throughout my lifetime. That, in itself is truly amazing... The only things I can even think of that you were 'wrong' about, are things that you 'assumed' out of fear of it happening; or that it DID happen. Other than that, your record is SPOT ON. TRULY Amazing... I love you, Mom; and I SO wish you were still with me here. Just not as you were; but I know and accept that you're FINALLY at peace... Which is what you deserve. I'll join you again someday... But at least we have the 'connection' that we do; I'm so very grateful for that. We earned it though; and I cherish it. 

So, you've obviously been 'seeing' what's going on here at home; with me and Ken. He told me he wants me NOT to call him 'the 3-3-3 Man'; within 3 days, weeks or months... He screws up. But, can I say to YOU, Mom: How ironic that we're at the 3 WEEK mark, and things have been the way they have for the last couple of days. ??? Yeah, I CAN say that; sadly. We did the cards for the first time in a while, BECAUSE he's actually slept on the couch in the living room the last couple of nights. He hasn't sat with me to watch TV; he just leans on my bureau. Granted... Until I calmed down, which took me a while this time; I didn't want him near me, touching me. I didn't want to play the 'I love you' game. However... I'm not gonna live like 'room mates' either. I'm not like the women he basically 'used' along the way; and if he's only here as a 'stop over'… He can just go; NOW. No more 'Installment Plan'; and for the abuse...? THAT'S got to GO, as well. Even now, the cards say that IF he gets the help he NEEDS; we can end up being the Emperor and the Empress... Living together In LOVE; BECAUSE he chose the right path [for a change]. He worries about not knowing if he made Dad proud; him, as a man. Well... I happen to know how Dad felt, because of conversations together; several, just he and I. Others were with he AND Mom. Bottom line: They love him; they didn't express much 'pride' in him. They want him to change his ways, and settle down; they were hopeful he might with ME, some time before they passed away. That changed down the line TOO; BECAUSE of the issues he and we have. They flat out said, "It will never happen..." They, like myself, lost faith that he'd change; being IN LOVE with ME, just never seems to be enough for him. This is something I seriously need to take into consideration here... 

I've stumbled across things that I've written over the course of our 'relationship'. I've found that I write and 'complain' about the SAME things; even to date. That's coming up on FOUR YEARS... Of the same old, same old; and the abuse never seems to 'disappear'. It rears it's ugly head when he gets like this; and over the course of time, it's gotten more physical too. This incident got so bad, both my thumbs are messed up and hurt. My right hand, my worst hand, is swollen and bruised to boot. I'm SO tired of dealing with all of this BS. I don't deserve one iota of it; and it continues to escalate over the course of time to beyond 'explosive'. We've crossed the line of 'brutal'. Love isn't supposed to hurt; never mind cause physical injury, or leave marks. Too much of that has occurred over time. So, does Ken make Dad 'proud'? It's a word I never heard out of either of them... "Disappointed" was a word I heard a lot when we discussed Ken; because he just continues to wander down the same old, wrong path of life. He could change all of that, and still make Dad and Mom proud of him; but WILL he? It would mean he'd HAVE to literally change his way of life... Either way, I am an Empress; and I'll [supposedly] achieve my Emperor. Whether it will be Ken... Or not... Is, and will be determined by HIS efforts. I love him; but I can't be with someone that says and does the things to me that HE does. Especially when I've been putting in more effort than I normally do to begin with; and that's great effort, so I deserve to GET it in return. Ken doesn't even seem to feel I'm worth an apology for the 'abuse session' we had a couple of days ago. That's a BIG part of my problem; I'll apologize over the smallest of things. The most INNOCENT of things; but HE can't give me apologies that I'm so very deserving of. His 'excuse' for not apologizing is completely lame and insane; because I "must be tired of hearing it". No; NO, I'm NOT. Because I so rarely DO hear an apology, that I whole-heartedly THANK him when he DOES apologize. Never mind, whether or not they were 'heart felt' on his side of the situation. If he truly feels the way he described in his 'explanation' as to why he wasn't apologizing; there are big problems. I just can't be with the man that he shows me 'on and off'; that's his 'HIM' personality and side. He's well aware that I do NOT want or care for 'HIM'. A man doesn't need to be perfect to make me happy; I'm not perfect. I just need a man to show me from the BEGINNING, who he truly is; and if I choose to be with him, he needs to continue to be the man he SHOWED and PROMISED me he'd be. Ken has not done that... I want him to; but, again, it would take effort on his part. But I don't want 'an act'; I need truth and honesty... Or we just need to put this all to rest; finally. Make our apologies to Mom and Dad, for letting them down. 

I already have SO MUCH on my 'plate of responsibility'; I honestly don't want anymore. I need some help now. I've felt so 'taken over' my entire life, I'm just so tired of it. I need a break; just in life, itself. My life NEEDS to 'simplify' somehow; I need to not be 'responsible' for so many other people. Where's that deserted island I've been praying for, for so long? Haha  I'd love to just 'disappear' sometimes... I never have time or space to myself. When Ken is 'good', I like sharing my space WITH him. The way he's been acting the last couple of days though... It's made me 'rethink' things, in ways I haven't wanted to. It ALL boils down to 'change'; and it's him that needs to, in order to have ANY relationship with ANYONE. Unless he found someone that didn't mind an 'open relationship'; but HE'D have a hard time with THAT, because he doesn't want 'his woman' with anyone else. Gee... How ironic. I don't like my MAN with anyone else; but have had to 'swallow it hard' over these years, in order to BE with Ken. I'm done choking on it all. It can either be RIGHT; or not at all. Choice is his; but he best get off his BUTT, if he wants this. I'm NOT living like a 'room mate', while it gives HIM time to 'find his next victim'. I'm also not providing him with the resources to DO so. If he's not SERIOUS this time; he needs to go home to Mom. But I'd best start seeing, sensing and feeling that he IS; or again... He needs to go home to Mom. I'm not a game player; I'm the COACH. And I'm calling 'time out', unless I get what I deserve out of this. I'm done being the one that everyone... Including him, turns to for everything; but I don't GET in return. I don't ask for anything; I never have. It should be done NATURALLY; especially if you 'love' someone. I'm so tired of being 'the teacher'. Can I just get one that's already 'educated'? Haha  Yeah, I know... NOT. ;-)  Oh, Mom... I hate all the 'negativity' and doubt. But it's also, all earned; you EARN trust and love... I need changes in my life; I TRULY do.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please keep watching over Mom #2; to guide and comfort her throughout this difficult time. Please guide me; to do the right things, and make the right decisions regarding my life, especially. I've done a lot of work on myself; but I KNOW I have a LONG way to go. I still need my Mother's guidance. I love and miss you EVERYDAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Well, as you know, Dad #2 passed away a week ago. He really passed before midnight, July 14; but, of course you know that a medical official has to MAKE it official by a brief examination. Then they officially make the call of the 'time of death'; which for Dad, was July 15, 2017 at 12:10 AM. Ken called me earlier in the evening to tell me that Dad wasn't gonna be here long; if I wanted to see him and 'say goodbye', I should get over there. I called Lisa, and she and Josh came right away to give me a ride over. I knew the moment I laid eyes on him, it was more than likely hours; not days. When I had a few moments alone with Dad, I got right up to him and let him know it was me; I knew he would hear me. I told him that we ALL loved him, but that it was OK for him to let go now. I kissed him a few times, and stroked his hair as I spoke to him. I wanted to give him comfort in knowing it was OK for him to 'go home'. Fortunately, for Dad's sense of peace... He finally let go. Unfortunately for ME, it got late and I needed a ride home; but I didn't want to leave. I knew; I just knew... Sure enough, I wasn't home an hour and Ken called to say that Dad stopped breathing. I got right back over there; thank GOD for Lisa. I wish to all that is Holy, that Ken had just come out and asked me to stay... I would have. But... Things, some of the time happen the way they're supposed to. They were all surrounding Dad; his actual family was with him. So, it's all OK with me; he was with his loved ones, and he went peacefully. Just like when it was You and me... JUST the way it was supposed to be. I'll cherish those moments, just as I do our entire relationship, for the rest of my life. <3  I'm just so grateful I had that time with Dad before he passed. I love him; and he loved and accepted me into his family, open arms from the get go... As a daughter. Both he and Mom; but I know it took Mom a little longer. She wanted to get to know me. At first, I was 'just another one of Ken's women'. But then she DID get to know ME; and I've been referred to as 'their daughter' for... Well, a good 3-1/2 years. Their actual daughter, Angela is a real 'piece of work'. Estranged; just like I am from everyone in MY family, except Danny and Dad. Well... One out of three brothers is better than none; and Dad seems to FINALLY be treating me with... More respect? I had to be in my late 40's, almost 50 for him to 'come around'. Haha  So, I hope you 'welcomed' Dad, and you two have finally met. I just know they all would've loved you, had they the chance to meet you.

As for other things... Obviously, the cards were right; I kept seeing the Death card, surrounded by Nines and Tens. Ken did call me, and the rest took off from there. We always seem to get back together in HIS times of need; I'm his 'comfort zone'. I wish I had one... Anyway... Cards were right on about things; his traveling and moving around; the 'women'. Even though it's all hurtful, I'm glad he got a taste of his own Medicine. He traveled all the way to TN to BE with Amy; and SHE sent him packing. Oh... But he managed to have meaningless sex with TWO OTHER women in the WEEK he was down there; besides Kelly Beard, the junkie prostitue right before he left. Of course, on the bus ride back to NH, he couldn't be lonely; so, he was 'chatting up' and flirting with someone ELSE'S girlfriend. He claims she lives in CA; but the messages between them indicate that they were AROUND each other while he was in TN. Maybe she's FROM CA... But whatever. I'm SO SICK and TIRED of dealing with 'the installment plan', so called 'relationship' we have and HAVE had for almost 4 years. Even with what I see in the cards about being his 'ultimate love'; how can I 'believe' him when he TELLS me he loves me? He throws the word around like a bouncy ball; as well as calling women 'sexxy' (how HE writes it), 'Baby', 'Baby Girl'… Etc. Those are supposed to be reserved for ME. The women he's SAYING it to, certainly do NOT qualify; I'm sorry. Then, I see where he tells Amy's daughter that he's 'loved Amy all [his] life'. Oh REALLY??? OK. Well, SHE only wanted to have sex with Ken; that didn't happen, believe it or not. She sent him packing; AFTER he 'got it on' with TWO complete strangers, and said the reason he couldn't with Amy was because he "can't just have sex with someone". Yeah... OK. That's how he's lived his entire LIFE; JUST having SEX with ANYONE. But I'M the "slut" when I told him I needed a week off; I needed to 'catch up'. I let him know that THIS IS IT. He either changes; or I can 'play', too. Like HE says, too: "What's good for the goose, is GOOD for the gander". He cheats on me again in ANY way, shape or form... I can play that game, too. NO, it's not my character to do such things; but if HE can send 'heart kisses' to other women; FLIRT with other women... I can do the same with MEN; and I WILL. He sleeps with anyone else... I have people I could call. GET what you GIVE, from NOW on. I've been an 'old fashioned idiot' for TOO long. I could never lower myself to do what HE does to ME; sleep with just ANYONE. But if he wants to even think he's gonna KEEP doing this to me, while I just 'sit, hurt and heal' for the NEXT round... THINK AGAIN. 'Installment Plan' relationship either turns into a 'Contract'; or I'M history. For GOOD. NO 'trauma' will bring us back together again. No one and nothing is worth what he puts me through. I WANT a LIFE with him; as long as he CHANGES. But I'm not gonna be the only one putting effort into it; then I get shafted. HOW am I supposed to 'have faith', Mom? Trust... Things earned; and he's 'earned' my distrust. To earn my trust, I have to see these things NOT happening anymore; for a significant period of time. Will he? Put the effort needed IN to US? Focus on US; stop playing 'Peter Pan'? Talk in counseling about his actual issues at hand? He needs to in order FOR us to be successful. He obviously CAN'T beat the problem on his own; and loving ME isn't enough. But it HAS to be in ORDER to be with me. I'm either the ONE and ONLY; or I'm NOT at ALL. But these little 'whoring breaks' are GONNA stop, too; or I'M gonna change a little. The 'security' he feels with ME will be 'broken'; just like I am, EVERY time he does this to me. Of course, THEN, it will REALLY be over; because HE can't TAKE what he dishes OUT. So... I guess when he 'gets itchy', he better decide WHO he REALLY wants scratching it. I love him, and want this to work; but in all honesty... I'm tired of going through this all the time. So, if it doesn't work THIS time... We WILL be done. He'll 'block' me from his life, just like he always does; even though it's not necessary. But... Just help guide him, Mom. Maybe you and Dad together, can 'help' him be the man he should've been a long time ago; at least once he met me. There's nobody else I WANT... I just wish HE could feel and act the same. I wanna GET what I GIVE. I deserve that. 

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please keep watching over Mom; she just lost the love of her life. We know how that feels. Give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. I actually slept pretty well last night; woke up here and there. But I was up before 6:30; which is more normal for me. The cooler weather definitely feels better, and has an effect on me.

We did cards this morning; I think I'll get right into those, because I don't have a lot of time. You always taught me to read the cards that are with each other; but more importantly, go with my gut feelings and with whatever stood out at me. I've just been hitting on the 'Reader's Digest' version of what's going on in the cards; not really giving any details. I don't like to make assumptions as to maybe who the cards MIGHT be about. But when I ask the same question, over and over, and over... And I see this 'progression' going on. I ask which card represents me, and the same card falls 3 times. I do readings everyday, and the same cards will end up together... The same 3 in a row; and I shuffle, repeatedly. They end up together in multiple readings, sometimes. The bottom line is, this can only be about Ken; trying to make up his mind between me and Amy. He loves me; and is 'discontent in his surroundings; thinking about a love that didn't work out, and isn't physically around'. He even feels 'heartbroken; possibly the need to bridge the distance'. I WAS his 'Empress'; he always referred to me as his 'wife'; 'Reed'. He WAS my 'Emperor'; in my heart. The only place it really matters. But he knows the 'moral choices' he'd have to make in order to obtain his 'Empress' and 'ultimate love'. One is leaving Amy behind for good; 'tying up loose ends'. And 'giving up people and things that will no longer have importance in the life you've chosen'. He'd have to change his ways; completely. So would he? For 'ultimate love and happiness'? Or would he just stay with Amy, where he can continue to lead his same old life of cheating and lies? It's the ONLY thing that makes sense. Who else would it be??? 

I've been trying to read as though it's 'just some guy'; but it doesn't make any sense. You and I have talked about it, Mom. I guess it's just a scary thought. I'd love it, if he could REALLY change; REALLY CHANGE. No more lies and deceit; but he'd have to prove it to me. I don't know as though he'd be willing to put effort into any of it; so, he'll probably end up with Amy... Or someone. I just wanna be happy; I want the same for him, too. Admittedly, I wanted it to be with me; but it is what it is... People can love each other, but not be able to be together; I guess that's us, sadly. I wish it wasn't, but we're different people; I guess I didn't make him happy enough. I tried to, and thought I did... I know it wasn't all me; he has his 'issues'. Those definitely got in the way, and were the majority of our problems. But, I figured if he loved me enough and I made him happy; we wouldn't have those problems. So much for THAT logic, huh? Haha Oh well, I tried...

OK, Mom, I gotta get ready for work. Please watch over Mom and Dad; give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Sorry it took so long for me to get here to you today. Between being so tired lately, and busy; I've been trying to do the best I can to take care of myself, too. I just don't want to get sick again; that was the most miserable... And to know that it's because I don't eat, because I'm not hungry; therefore, I don't get the nutrition I need. On top of it, I work myself into the ground. I want to work; just not myself to death. Today has been a VERY busy day; but I feel OK, thank God. I really think the heat and humidity was getting me down. I even stayed in bed until 8:30 or so this morning; that's just unheard of. Haha I wasn't sleeping the whole time or anything; I looked at the clock constantly. I was just so tired, I didn't want to get up; so I didn't.

Luke stopped by to see me today. Wow... He had a LOT to say. All talking 'feelings', and stuff. How do men that I've never even been 'involved' with, other than friendship; get to feeling about me the way they do? He says, "It's you; it's JUST YOU." OK... Then, why couldn't the man I actually FELL in LOVE with, stick with JUST ME??? If it's "Just [Me]", and "there's just something about" me. Yeah, I'm 'different'; I'm 'different', alright. He has NO clue. I'm telling you, Mom; not that I need to... You see for yourself; the men just 'come out of the woodwork' sometimes when I'm single. 

The cards; I did them at lunch again. As I'm about to write about them, 'Better Man' comes on the radio. Haha Too funny... Anyway... I've asked, and asked, and asked again, and again, and again; I see 'progressions' of basically the same thing, when all I want to know is, 'what's in store for MY life'. Lunch time, they ended with the Emperor and Empress, side by side again. I picked up certain female cards and asked, "Who am I in this reading?" The Empress fell out... 3 times. The reading began with 'choices being made'; the 'loss that comes from those choices, are no longer of importance'. They need to be made in order 'to obtain ultimate love' with the Empress, and to BECOME the Emperor. The fact is, it's all up to him; he's the one that needs to make 'the moral choices' for change, again to obtain his Empress. The possibilities are there; even for success. I don't know... What am I seeing, and why? Haha No joke, now 'Peter Pan' is playing. Yeah, that's probably what will come MY way; another guy that won't 'grow up'. No thank you... So, if that's what you're telling me with the songs, Mom; I'm good. Haha I want someone and something I can actually trust and depend on for a change. If I can't find that; alone is fine.

Well, I think I'm gonna close up and go upstairs. I'll try to write more later. Please watch over Mom and Dad; and give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Sorry I didn't get back here last night, but as you know, I've just been really tired the last few days. I'm thinking that the stress of the last week with him here; constantly having to say the same things, over and over... During a time that I should have JUST been recuperating, and looking out for NO ONE, BUT myself; I had a 'drunken, lying', I'll use his word, 'parasite' around. Not only NOT doing what he should've been doing, and promised to be doing while here; he was trying SO HARD to be 'my man', and THAT was NOT gonna happen. AT ALL the way he was going; never mind any time soon, just because of how I feel, personally. Never fails, does it, Mom? I need; so, someone else does too. I don't fully get what I need, because I end up 'sacrificing' for them somehow. He was at the end; absolutely desperate. But he just did REAL good; made over $300, and wanted to get a job and a room. I had the means to assist... Didn't seem unreasonable; a week. I could handle that. But it turned into something it wasn't supposed to be; story of my life when I bring someone INTO my domain. I can help from a distance; just not IN my domain. They get too comfortable and 'dependent' on ME; take me for granted, and what they have IN me, and with me. They lose 'focus' of what's important; priorities. They forget... They have their worth; but where ARE they? I'm a damn good Woman, is the bottom line; I work HARD at everything I do. Don’t ever take me, what I have to offer; nothing, for granted. If you do; you'll be the one on the outside, looking in. The only regret I'll have, was ever caring in the first place; but that's 'my purpose' here anyway. So, I get over it and move on.

The cards... We threw them out numerous times last night just to see what would happen, and what they'd say. They never cease to amaze me... If I tried to elaborate on everything, I'd have to write a book. Haha I don't have time for that. I see the same things I've been saying. It's approaching 'Judgement Time'; 'Moral Decisions' to be made, in order to obtain 'Ultimate Love' and 'True happiness'. The funny thing that happened the last time was with the Queen of Swords; she was in all the other readings. The last one, I guess you could say she was 'hiding'? It was the strangest thing... A FEW times lately, I've ended with only 2 cards; HOW??? There should ALWAYS be 3. When I cleaned them up, I counted; all 78 were there. But you always told me that the cards do what they're supposed to do; to tell you what they need to tell you. When the Queen of Swords didn't show up... And I looked to see that was the card missing... When I counted the cards, I counted them face UP, so I could see if/when she appeared; and THERE she was. Haha As well as all 78 cards of the deck. I find it funny for multiple reasons that I really don't have time to elaborate on. But one is that the King and Queen of Swords have been showing up a lot 'facing off'; I think that was me and him. Then it moved on to the people in the cards. The Queen is sometimes near her, and sometimes near me. The King... That represents the man, of course. That was Ken's birth card.

OK, Mom. I have to get ready for work. I'll try to write more later. Please watch over Mom and Dad; give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Sorry it's taken me so long to get here today. I actually woke up this morning before 3 AM; but I refused to get up 'for the day' like I usually do. It DID take me forever to fall back asleep though. I saw 5:30 AM without sleeping in between; but next I knew, I was waking up around 7:30 AM. I thought to myself, "Good; I DID finally fall back asleep. I'm glad I didn't give in, and just get up like I usually do." I have to admit that I've been having a hard time the last few days; I haven't felt well, and it's bothering me. Today isn't good either. I'm hoping it's the 'mugginess' of the weather; I'm taking what I'm supposed to. Even my body temp has raised; I have body heat again. Haha No more cold hands. I have to admit, that bothered me, too; losing even my own body heat, and ALWAYS having 'Crypt Keeper' hands. I'd touch Sully and he say, "Meme', your hands are cold"; but it would be 80 degrees out. Haha Yeah, that's not right; that meant I had horrible circulation, and my heart was functioning in 'overdrive' to do its job. ALL because I don't get hungry enough, so I don't eat; therefore, my levels PLUMMET to fatal levels. I was LITERALLY on my deathbed this time; I kept seeing it in the cards, and wasn't sure what to do. I just knew I needed to get to the doctor; that was there, too. I didn't want to end up in the hospital; OR dead. There are SO many things I've gotta change, Mom... SO many; just to take care of ME. I just hope OTHERS are gonna allow it. I'm in this world, basically alone; no one to turn to. I'M the one everyone turns to; which is WHAT puts me in the predicaments and conditions I get into. From now on, anyone that comes into my life NEEDS to allow me to need THEM, as much as THEY need me. I can't do it ALL anymore; nor should I be expected to. 

The cards... I'm not sure I even know what to say about them lately. I see... Things I'm not sure I should or want to be seeing. I keep asking "What's going on with MY life, and what do I have to expect?" EXACT question. I see 'other people', and that there's gonna be 'unhappiness' and 'heartache'… 'Bad decisions' were made out of 'selfishness and greed'; and it's time for 'Judgement' and 'Moral choices', if 'Ultimate Love' and 'true happiness' want to be obtained. I have to admit that it's nice NOT seeing 'The Devil' card next to me for a change; it's next to the other woman. I don't come in until close to the end; so, I don't know... All I know is that for once, the 'pain and heartache' isn't mine; I already HAD mine. I'm among the 'happiness' cards... So, maybe SOMEWHERE, somehow; I'll find some sort of happiness. I just don't want anymore 'problems'. I need a break in life, and someone that might actually give me one for a change.

If I ever decide to be with anyone again, I'd like to have a relationship like I had with Ken when we were good. Someone that can be my 'furnace' when I'm cold; my 'chair' when we cuddle... Someone that when they hold me, we 'fit like a glove'; and I feel safe and secure. But I want to be able to TRUST what we have; and not wonder who he's talking to, or where he's been. When he OR I walk out the door, I can trust what HE'S doing; and what he's NOT doing. I just want to be able to trust; period. But I want the other 'niceties' that come along with a good relationship. I wanna be able to laugh and joke; have a conversation. Know what each other thinks and feels, without a word... I miss those things. I hope I get a 'happy ending' somewhere, sometime in my life.

OK, Mom. I guess that's it for now. If I can, I'll write more later. Please watch over Mom and Dad; give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is to have him gone. I woke up this morning thinking about it; part of me felt a little bad, BECAUSE I'm me. But he and I had 'an arrangement' from the get go. He asked if he could "stay here for a minute" to look for a job up the strip; I said, "No problem, but it has to be short term." I laid down some simple ground rules, and EVERY-one was broken; yet I was made promises... Empty promises. Talks the talk; but can't walk the walk. Said it would all be "NO problem; EASY. Done it all before." Good; then shouldn't be any problems. But there were, and he didn't keep his word; lied and stole on top of it all. Then asked to stay longer... But HE doesn't "want to be a parasite or anything". Haha Yeah; OK. Well, you've BECOME one; not at my house. He made his bed... Oh, WAIT. He doesn't HAVE one!!! Haha That's horrible... Forgive, me Lord. {haha} Well. He can go FIND one to sleep in; it's just not gonna be MY couch. He's hung around, drinking and sleeping; then LIED to my face enough. I'm not stupid; and I let him know it, and confronted him with the truth. Even IF and the FEW times he did go looking for a job; he won't get hired because he's a DRUNK. It's OBVIOUS from his look AND his smell. I wouldn't hire him. But anyway...

So, when we did cards this morning, there was something there that kinda hit me. None of my business, so I'm not sure why it would show up in MY cards, except that he and I had a 'connection'. But... Did Ken maybe marry Amy? I only looked at it a little bit, because I saw that; and that was the first thing that popped in my head... The WAY the cards laid out; so, I didn't finish reading them and picked them up. But afterwards, all I could think was, Wow... We've been apart for a month and a half; almost two. Not only does he ALWAYS get involved immediately with other women, and start 'visiting the office'; but marriage? Well... If that's the case, I hope he's happy and finally got what he wanted. Like I said before; Amy is a publicly 'Nasty Girl', and that's what Ken likes. Trashy, Nasty Girls; I don't even come CLOSE to fitting that bill. I'm the EXACT opposite; and a little 'ROUGH around the edges'. I'm tough when I NEED to be. I'm 'Nasty' BEHIND closed doors, with the ONE and only I Love; at least I used to be. Never GOT the opportunity with the man I truly loved. Either our living situation didn't allow for it, or he was too busy with others anyway; which destroyed ME inside just knowing. So, how would I have been able to compete anyway? Therefore, at some point, I gave up bothering to try. I tried for a while; but my efforts were pointless. His searches elsewhere continued. So, I guess I just didn't make him happy. I thought I did, and that he loved me; he kept coming back for some reason. But, I guess I was wrong. Hopefully, Amy will.

Meanwhile, I'll just keep working on myself; try to stay on the path that I'm on. I truly feel it's a 'healthy' path for me; emotionally. I'll also continue with maintaining my health the way I have been. I look and feel so much better. My RLS is pretty much non-existent; so THAT was pertaining to my levels. I was just literally 'walking death'; my body was shutting down, and I was still trying to do everything. I'm getting there, Mom; I'm getting there.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I gotta get ready for work; it's Monday. Blah... Haha Please watch over Mom and Dad for me; I haven't been able to get over yet. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day...<3

Morning, Mom. Well, it's SUNDAY!!! I'm not usually so excited for Sunday, because even though it's my, so called 'one day off'; I still have to go down to the office for a bit to make sure everything is in order. I don't really ever have a 'day OFF'. BUT... TODAY is THE DAY that he has to be gone; and last night, I told him by noon would be good. I want my life and my time back, without all the 'complications' of all the discussions I have to have with him; constantly hurting his feelings... I don't like that. I just want this over and done with. He must've REALLY tied one on last night; I walked out this morning, and my living room smells AWFUL. Not like a brewery; like he drank hard stuff. I hate that smell... I feel bad; but I am not the world's savior. He's a friend; I GAVE him 'a leg up', and he took advantage of ME, rather than IT. He came here with OVER $300; in under a week, it was gone. As a matter of fact, Blayze ended up missing $20 out of his wallet night before last; we were the only 3 here. I confronted it by first asking him how much money he had left; he said, "Like $.37." Then I said that Blayze was missing the money; because IRONICALLY right after, HE got up to go smoke but was nowhere outside. When he came back, REEKED of FRESH beer and staggering more. Money was even sticking slightly OUT of Blayze's wallet, which was even evidence of the theft; it wasn't like that before, and Blayze NEVER leaves money hanging out of his wallet. I, personally know that the wallet was just a 'black square'; nothing hanging out of it, because I picked it up myself. I saw it on my bed after Blayze accidentally, and unusually left it there; so, I grabbed it. I took it to the bathroom WITH me, to guard it. Then when I got back in my room, I put it on my bureau; for when Blayze came back. THAT'S the night that he wouldn't leave me ALONE!!! I just wanted to WRITE; but he manipulated his way in by asking me something he KNEW I couldn't and wouldn't say 'no' to... Pulled a chair up next to my bed, and started to watch TV; AND talk my ear off, JUST like I said I didn't want him to do. I wanted to write to YOU. But, I ended up having to use the bathroom again; I FORGOT about the wallet, and it was on the bureau RIGHT next to him. I got back from the bathroom; he got up REAL quick and was gonna "Go for a smoke". Well, YEAH, GO!!!! But, then Blayze came, and I showed him his wallet; he of course thanked me. He checked it out, of course... He looked pensive; I asked, "Is everything alright?" That's when he said he was missing the $20. Blayze OBVIOUSLY knew it wasn't me. I gotta say, Mom; what's happened this last week, was a real slap across my face from him. He is NOT the man I once knew... Except for one thing; and that was never acceptable. He asked me for help out of friendship, and I gave it; he wanted more... I said we'll see what happens, day by day. You work on YOU, and I'll work on ME. Well... I've BEEN working on ME; but all I see is him drowning... And I can't save him. He HAS to save himself; I've said ALL I can say to assist him. The REST is up to him. It starts TODAY; by noon. 

I remembered, recently that throughout Ken's and my time together; when I'd do the cards, they would say that our relationship would be 'a learning experience for both of us'. I even told him that on multiple occasions. I don't think that's anything that either of us could deny; despite how we ended, every time. I don't LIKE how it ends... That's not ME, as a person; but we're only even WHERE we're at because of who HE is as a person. It broke me, because I truly loved him. But, learning experience it was; for both of us, despite how he talks about me. I don't talk about him, unless it's to you. But IF I do, ANYTHING I say is the TRUTH; good or bad. I don't know why he feels the need to 'destroy' me, and tell such lies about me all the time. He KNOWS that the BULK of the issues in our relationship were HIM; yet he talks 'Devil' behind my back, even worse than he does to my face when he's angry. So much for being his 'Angel'; 'His Queen'… I thought, or hoped getting those tats would be enough to show him that if... IF he would JUST get it right with ME; be MY 'One and Only', and ME be his... Someday, I'd be able to marry him. But it has to be proven and earned first; by ANYONE. That's why people get engaged AFTER being together for 1, 2... Even 5+ YEARS. THEN they get married. You EARN trust, and BUILD your relationship through your actions. I had 3-½ years of having to forgive his actions; over and over. Having to build and RE-build... That all takes time; but I was willing because of the love we had, and he kept blowing it. Why??? I thought he loved me too... Wasn't I WORTH the effort that I was putting IN? Apparently not... But it's OK; I'm rebuilding myself now. He has Amy; that's where the 'wolves' came from. She likes them, too; I remember that. She's more his type; she's 'trashy'. I've known her for YEARS; seen her 'in action'. I interviewed her at Welfare once, when we knew each other from Mike's. Haha That's how we know a lot of the same people, and I know what goes on. I hear when Ken's with someone, or when he's 'at the office' picking someone up; not that I want to. People, for some reason, feel the need to tell me. But anyway, that was 'uncomfortable' for her. She's got all kinds of kids she hasn't raised, with all different fathers. She's a publicly 'Nasty Girl'… Perfect for Ken. I could never fill THAT need; only BEHIND closed doors... If I had ever gotten the chance to; but I didn't. So, he stepped out on me; not that he probably wouldn't have anyway. All of that broke me; piece by piece. Then, how am I supposed to feel; when the one I love, also the one that broke me... Wants to take the best of me? What's most 'intimate' about me? But when I'm OK... When I'm Me; I'm a Lady by day; but with the man I LOVE behind closed doors... Well, I don't kiss and tell. Haha  But that's exactly the difference. Why would, or does anyone ELSE need to know what I do, or how I do something; IN something SO intimate and private? I don't 'advertise'. So, I guess he's where and with whom he can be happy; I'm happy for him, since that's what he truly wants. People shouldn't live a lie; and I guess I was expecting him to be someone he wasn't. BUT; it was HIS CHOICE. He chose ME, and I gave him MANY outs... Even when he was the one doing ME wrong; I gave HIM the outs. No fight; just easy. But it never went that way because I was HIS choice. He said I was who and what he WANTED; no matter WHAT he had to do. So, I said OK; and I forgave everything... Things I don't. So, why do I always get 'the bad rap' in the end? Yeah... Because it's just the story of my life, Mom. Therefore, I'm working on my happiness... I've begun by trying to 'Repair' myself; even just a little. 

I WANT happiness; I'd LIKE to have it with someone, if at all possible. I just don't really KNOW what lays ahead. I know the cards say that I'm [supposedly] going to find happiness... Last night, I did them real quick before bed; I was kinda hoping to see whether or not today was going to be 'difficult'. I can tell you that it's 9:40; he's supposed to be out by noon, and he's STILL sleeping. But Blayze is out there playing his games now, so... Hopefully, wake the F—K UP. If not, he WILL be awoken BY 11:00. Anyway... I didn't see the cards end with the King and Queen of Swords again; so THAT was a relief. Haha But ALL the Kings and Queens were paired again; and the Emperor and Empress were together. I don't know WHAT to think... I figured I was just tired. I know it's happened NUMEROUS times before he came here this week; but still. Endings and beginnings; beginnings and endings... They all are supposed to occur; and some need to, in order for anything else to move along further. In order to obtain the 'Eternal and spiritual' kind of love. I got more and more... Tired. So, I went to bed. I'll have to read again, and see what I get. See if I 'connect' better, now that I've slept. I know they won't lay out exactly the same; but I've had certain cards show up in EXACT ORDER before within different readings. And, the Kings and Queens all pairing; THAT happens now and then... But it's happened a LOT lately. 

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please help me get through today with EASE; and watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Well, it's AFTER 5:00 PM and he's still 'around'… SOMEWHERE. His STUFF is still here. But if he thinks for one minute, he'll be spending another moment, never mind night; he'd best think again. When I feel the time is appropriate, his bag will be out in the hall, and my door locked. Blayze and I already talked about it; HE'S PISSED. I told him NOON. NOT 'anytime of the day or night you feel like it'; NOON. He 'popped in' around 1:30 to say he needed to make phone calls to arrange a ride out. THAT should've been done YESTERDAY; he had MORE than enough forewarning. DAYS... Guess what? NO SYMPATHY here; My 'Give A Damn Is Busted'… Which also happens to be a great tune. Haha But it's how I feel. I don’t care if I EVER hear from him again; friendship DOWN the tubes, as far as I'm concerned at THIS point. With 'friends' that steal from and take advantage of you; you don't need enemies. I'd never be able to trust him again, with the road he's traveling. He'd have to get his act together for me to want to revisit our friendship. Maybe he will; maybe he won't. But right now, I just want him and his bag, gone from my 'house'. 

We did cards... Kings and Queens again; paired. The Emperor and Empress were side by side. They keep telling me though, that something else 'has to come to an end' for him, before I will get my 'new beginning'. There are 'Loose ends to tie up'; 'decisions and moral choices' to be made. 'Ultimate and spiritual Love' cannot be obtained without them. But, once choices are made, 'the gain makes up for the loss; and the people and things are no longer of importance [to him] in the new beginning chosen'. So, OK... They keep telling me the same things, over and over; I guess I just wait it out... Like usual. Haha I see 'the progression' of things; they move future to present; present to past, etc. He'll show up eventually; whoever the 'bleep' he is... 

My new med JUST might help a bit; I've only taken it for 2 nights, but I think it helps a little. We'll see after it's actually in my system for a while. That would definitely be a God- send. Even if it doesn't rid me of all my upper body pain; just the majority of it... Even HALF, I'll TAKE IT!!! The pain is SO extreme, and it's exhausting. We'll see how I feel after like a week; but I really hope I'm feeling a slight difference, and it's not because I made it a point to rest. Time will tell... 

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I'll keep you posted on how everything goes. Please watch over Mom and Dad for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Well, he finally showed up; pulled exactly what I thought he would. "I just need..." NO; YOU just NEED to grab your bag and GO. He went as far as to ask me if he could even sleep in the basement. Yeah; THAT'S what I need... SARAH coming in, and seeing someone SLEEPING in the basement. He tried to make more empty promises; "I'll be out by 5:00 AM". I said, "No you won't. You'll be SLEEPING, and I'M not walking MY ass down there to wake you up. I'm sorry; I can't have sympathy for you. I gave you DAYS... And after what I SAW this week; I'm just DONE." He asked a total of 4 times before I got to that harsh of a statement. But once I did, he got up and walked out; mumbling something about, "I get it..." Good. Now, just go. 

Sorry, but MY Mama didn't raise no fool; at least, for the most part. Haha I've definitely done foolish things; but knowing full well what I was getting involved with. Unfortunately, things just don't usually work out for ME when it comes to certain things; but life goes on... I actually read this amazingly interesting article, and posted it on Facebook; it talks about the difference between Earth Angels, Lightworkers and Starseeds. All I can say is... Not only did your 'Angel Picture' confirm for me, who and what we are; and also what you told me as a child. But it literally puts it all into perspective. A VERY interesting read; for anyone curious about REAL people around them, that are TRULY 'special'. Here for purposes... I am an Earth Angel; just like you said when I was 3 years old. Our lives are 'different' and 'purposeful'. WE are different... I 'rushed' the entire time I read the part on 'Earth Angel'; quite a bit on 'Lightworker'. Nothing on the 'Starseed'. So, I know that's where I 'fit in'. That's my 'tell tale' sign that I'm either right, or on the right track; intensity can be an indicator, as well. I'm gonna show both boys, and see where they 'feel' they 'fit in'. 

YOU informed me as a VERY young child, that I was "One of God's Earth Angel's"; and that I "would have a VERY difficult life". I have never, in my lifetime, seen anything ABOUT 'Earth Angels'; or ANY of the 3, for that matter. This is the first time. I just let Blayze read them, and he chose exactly what I thought; 'Lightworker' and 'Starseed'. It even states right in there, that 'these beings' COME from 'higher beings' themselves. I'd say again, Your 'Angel Pic' after You passed away... Speaks for itself. ;-)  So, everyone in my lifetime that has called me, referred to me as, or said that I "sang like" an "Angel"; was absolutely correct. 'Earth Angel', to be precise. Haha I can say what I used to when I was a little girl...? "It HAS to be RIGHT, because MY MOTHER SAID SO!!!" Hahahaha See, Mom, I ALWAYS worshipped you; even when I was just a 'little BRAT'. Haha I knew what I had in you; instinctively, apparently. And I wasn't gonna do ANYTHING to lose you... Until I absolutely had to, that dreaded day. But, SOMEDAY... We WILL meet again; in our Glory. THAT will be the BEST day of MY life; the day I get to reunite with You.

Well, it's confirmed that he's gone, he took his duffel; but left a small bag under my chair, obviously on purpose. So, that will be out in the hallway for him to find when he comes looking for it; my door will be locked. I feel SUCH relief... I didn't want to hurt him, but he pushed it AND me. He took advantage of my 'generosity', then stole from my son. BYYYEEE!!! I'm DONE with that CRAP. You want or need something; ASK. I'm a VERY generous person, to a FAULT; which is what has GOTTEN me in all the BS I've been through. DONE with it. Honesty, or NOTHING at all; don't need that kind of person in my life. But if someone is truly in need, HELPING themselves, and I have means to assist... I'm there. THAT did NOT happen. It was SUPPOSED to; but didn't. I have no shame or guilt.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I'm just SO relieved it's all over. No more King and Queen of Swords 'facing off', I hope. Haha OK... Please watch over Mom and Dad; give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. OMG, Can I PLEASE just be alone. That's all I want, is my time to myself right now, but I can't seem to have it. This is supposed to be my time alone with YOU, Mom... But we're being 'invaded' upon; even as openly blunt as I was when he asked if he could pull up a chair, and watch TV. I FLAT OUT said, "No". He was shocked. I told him I was busy, and had things I wanted to do. I told him straight that I was gonna be writing; if he did that, he'd TALK to me and I wouldn't be able to concentrate. Well... That's EXACTLY what has been happening; for 2 HOURS now... And ongoing. So, I'm trying to fit as much as I can in between. Oh, THANK GOD!!! I think he'll be gone for a while now; maybe won't even be back up until I'm asleep. 

Just, WOW... I was getting all set up to sit here and write, when he showed up. He said he wanted to talk to me tomorrow; I was relieved it was TOMORROW, and said "OK". But then he ALL of a SUDDEN laid across my bed, and started TALKING; TELLING me things. I said, "HEY, YO WHOA, STOP. I thought you said 'TOMORROW'. Why are you talking to me NOW? I'm on my way to the bathroom, and I'm busy; I have things I'm doing, and I need to be alone to concentrate. I'm gonna write." He knows I write to you, Mom; he sees me on here all the time, and I told him. Not that I NEED to explain myself to anyone. But... He managed, or should I say 'weasled' his way in; and I JUST NOW thought of a way I COULD'VE gotten out of it. I'll 'bank' it, for future reference. Haha He actually had the audacity to ask me if he could stay longer, to see if he could find a job next week. I said, "THAT'S what you were SUPPOSED to be doing THIS week. No." He went on, and on, and on... Justification, after excuse, after lie... Who's he trying to convince; me or himself? Or is his brain so seriously 'soaked', that he REALLY believes his own CRAP? 

We didn't 'fight or argue'; but per usual, I let him have it. The Truth, that is. He left my presence feeling pretty 'emotionally bruised'. Accept the TRUTH then. Nobody is lying to you; ESPECIALLY not me. But the truth hurts sometimes; especially when you, YOURSELF had it SO GOOD... But then, let it ALL slip RIGHT through your fingers; and I'm not talking about being with me. He and I, were NEVER really a 'He and I'. It was a 'Let's see where this goes; day by day' thing. I'm talking about the LIFE he HAD, that he needs to work so hard at to fix. I gave him time; I was a 'good friend'. He had the audacity to say, "Well, I didn't cost you anything." Oh, REALLY??? It seems to ME, that I'M the one going to work everyday; working FOR the roof over OUR heads. His included at the MOMENT. I PAY for the cable he's watching. The showers he's taking; they run up MY electric bill, and if there's an overage... Out of MY pocket. I've treated NUMEROUS times before; just because he has a few times NOW. I'll tell you what you can DO with it; OR take it OFF YOUR TAB. Don't COST me anything, MY ASS. You STAY with someone; you COST them: TIME, MONEY, SPACE in their PLACE, and PLENTY of AGGRAVATION. He's SUPPOSED to be out looking for a job; I leave at 11:00, and HE'S still SLEEPING on the couch. Shouldn't he have ALREADY been UP, showered and dressed, and OUT the door??? To find a JOB? Yeah... When you're SERIOUS about finding one; and you don't go smelling like a brewery. OMG, he just knocked on the door. I had to tell him, and EXPLAIN YET AGAIN that I JUST want to BE ALONE. I JUST want to WRITE to YOU, Mom... Is THAT a SIN, for the LOVE of ALL that is HOLY?!?!?!?!?! ALL day today, JUST about everyone that came to the office, WAY overstayed their welcome. One guy came to pay rent, he literally stayed for over 2 HOURS, talking about his personal marriage problems. What made him finally leave was someone came to pay rent, THANK GOD. Haha I didn't know what to do!!! It actually got PAST my lunch time. Then a couple other people did it to me, too for about an hour each. It was a rough day. Then to come HOME, and go through ALL of THIS??? After I already told him he had until the weekend. I love how he asks, too; "If I could just stay HERE for a minute..." Yeah, well... It’s been TOO much longer than a MINUTE, and you 'GOTS ta GO'. I could tell it hurt his feelings, me 'throwing him out' a few minutes ago; but TOO BAD. I guess I HAVE gotten hard and cold; but I'm SICK and TIRED of having NOTHING for MYSELF. A lifetime of sacrifice does something to a person; you get to a point you say, "ENOUGH". I've gotten to a point, health-wise; if I expect to LIVE, I have NO choice. But it's time; it's time for me now... At least, more than ever before. So, PLEASE help get him out of here BY Sunday, Mom; THAT'S his deadline. I don't want to hear ANY excuses, or anything of the sort. I gave ALL I'm gonna give. GAME OVER. My 'Give A Damn Is BUSTED'. 

Didn't take long, did it Mom? I don't care how 'genuine' the feelings are; and they are. What does HE have to offer ME??? NADA!!! Once AGAIN, it would've been ALL me; NO thank you. Been there; done that, let me see... Oh yeah, my ENTIRE LIFE. Haha It's either there are TWO bank accounts, or I get a 'Sugar Daddy'; end of story. Haha Yeah right; me with a 'Sugar Daddy'. THAT would be the day. Haha But when the FLAGS are a Poppin'; I'M gonna send THEM a Walkin'... And I did. DONE.

One interesting thing, on a PLEASANT note that I wanted to tell you... (Haha) I was too tired to tell you about it last night. When I went to the food pantry and was standing in line, I had conversation with this older African American woman; she was REAL pleasant. I felt a 'connection' with her for some reason; then I realized why, when she said to me what she said. She was filling me in on how it works over there, because I had never been. What to do, who to see, how many boxes I'd get, etc. I told her I see people carrying in boxes all the time at the building I manage; several at a time. I'm always referring people to pantries; I just never get to come myself. We had nice conversation; but I noticed she kept looking at me a certain way. Nothing bad, or anything; but she kept looking at me, can I say 'adoringly'; and her eyes kept looking to the top of my head. I thought, maybe my hair... But the more we talked, the more she kept doing it; then she actually looked at me and said, "You're an Angel. I can see your Halo." There have been a FEW people that have said THAT to me throughout my lifetime; but they're so FEW and far between. No wonder I felt that connection to her; she has 'senses', too. I took her hand ever so gently, looked her directly in the eyes and said, "Thank you" with a slight smile. She 'felt' me... And returned the smile with a slight squeeze of her hand. I felt the 'rush' of energy between us; I know she did, too by the look on her face. It was a VERY pleasant experience in ManchVegas. Haha

OK, Mom. I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom and Dad. Blayze and I are gonna try to get over to see them soon. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. I gotta say; it's been nice not having Sully for a couple of days. I really needed the break. It would've been nice since ALL the times, the fact that I was 'sick' came up, if Lisa and Josh took Sully for a little here and there. He IS on summer vacation. Lisa, apparently was so 'wrapped up' in what she was talking about whenever we talked; she didn't hear my ACTUAL response to her question, "So, how YOU doin'?" I told her I was ill, and HAD been for quite some time; then SHE continued to talk. Haha Yup; the usual. Haha  It is, what it is... That's why I just talk to you, Mom. My body was 'shutting down'; bottom line. That's why Nilsa wanted to put me in the hospital. I was definitely the cliché, 'on my death bed'; and I not only looked it, I felt it. I KNOW you know, Mom. Believe me; I was there, too. Some of the worst memories of my life... I not only don't wanna go there myself; I don't wanna put MY kids through what I went through with you. They already go through, and worry enough about me. I FINALLY got my new med last night that I've not only waited for 3 WEEKS or more for; but I had to do the 'leg work' back and forth between pharmacy, doctor's office, and an hour and a half on the phone with my insurance company; getting information, and everything straight. RiteAid here on Mast Rd has been giving me a HARD TIME. 2 meds needed prior auths; 1 of those, I managed to get removed by finding a generic on my Tier 1. That was the med I needed for the pain in my upper body; I'm HOPING will work... 3 or more weeks LATER; but I got it, finally. But the vitamin D is still pending prior auth; and when Blayze went to pick up my meds, they charged him FULL PRICE CASH for 4 pills... $13.00. I take 1 per week; 50,000 IU's of Vitamin D. I've been pumping myself of D3, Super B Complex, the Iron, potassium... I'm finally at a point where I can walk around, without 'huffing and puffing'. So, what I HAVE been doing has been working. I didn't need to spend $13 UNNECESSARY dollars on FOUR pills. I'm gonna take care of that little issue. I'm gonna have a BF! AND write a letter. Haha To their corporate office and The BBB; and I won't be using their services any longer. But anyway...

Blayze and I were talking about you last night; I'm sure you heard. He has carried such guilt all these years, for not 'taking the opportunity' to go to the hospital the night you died. I told him to forgive himself; let it go. I was where I needed to be; and it was 'you and me' time. Our final time together, as Mother and daughter; BEST friends... Mentor and Apprentice. You ARE my Hero... My Trooper Mom. It was OUR time to say, "Goodbye... But I'll see you; in Glory." I also always told you, "You BETTER haunt ME!!!" Haha We just have this amazing, and phenomenal connection; even still. I am SO blessed that YOU are MY Mother, Mom; SO VERY Blessed. I also told Blayze that he needed to remember, that when it came RIGHT down to it... Who was there for you? I said, "It was YOU and ME, Kid. When you get down to the nitty-gritty; it's always been, you and me in the end. YOU were there for me AND Grammy; NO ONE ELSE... AT ALL. Until the VERY end" being Danny, of course, who GOT me to you... In time. But it TOOK seeing ALL that actually WAS involved in your care, to turn Danny's and my relationship around; and he apologized in a medical meeting of yours, that he and I were in. Not only made me feel good, it surprised me. But I know that Blayze felt a lot better by the end of our conversation about everything; and that warms MY heart. I don't want him feeling that way; he needs to harbor NO guilt. Things WERE the way they were SUPPOSED to be; except for you NOT being HOME. But it being just us; PERFECT. It was ALWAYS You and I against the World, Mom... It was only appropriate that Your 'last physical' moments here, be with Me. No regrets there... 

I was so angry at everything going on yesterday... There was actually a 'funny' occurrence; with Angel's cousin and Angel. I was walking down the stairs toward the back door to 101, and all of a sudden, there was Angel; so, I said "Hi' and whatever. I heard a voice come from behind him, but I couldn't SEE him yet; he said, "OOO!!! Who's that talkin', is she fine?" He rounded the corner as he was finishing saying that; saw me, jolted a little and said, as he gave me 'the once over', "WHOA. You ARE FINE. You SINGLE?" Angel busted out laughing, smacked him and said, "DUDE!!! That's my LANDLORD! You're gonna get me in TROUBLE!" As he continued to laugh; but his, I found out cousin meant business. PUSHED aside of Angel, got right up close to me; looked me RIGHT in the eyes and said, "Seriously, you single? You not WANNA be?" I didn't even get a CHANCE to answer before he threw that in there. Haha Angel grabbed him, and 'yelled', "DUDE!!! COME ON!!!" But he was still laughing... Haha A while after that, I went outside to get the mail and they were out there. As I had to walk past, 'Cuz' I'll call him because I never got a name; he was too busy HITTING on me. Haha Anyway, Cuz said to me, "Oh, you're comin' out HERE. You need something?" I said, "Yeah. The mail." I kept walking over to the mailboxes. He said, that was fine; it "gave [him] the chance to check out what [I] got". Angel said, "He's dreaming about all the stuff he'd LIKE to do to ya." I said, "Yeah; 'cause he doesn't know me, huh?" Cuz asked how I didn't know that HE'D be the man of MY dreams. I said, "That's about the only place it'll happen." Angel was like, "OOOHHH!!! She BURRRNNNED YOU, Dawg!" Haha Cuz was like, "That's just not right", but he laughed. He's 45; thought I was younger. I told him I was 50; he said, "THAT'S doable." Haha Thanks, but no thanks. Nice looking guy and everything; I just... I guess, I don't know. I see he's 'A Playa'. I want that why? First flag... So, I won't even 'enter the arena'. I'll just stay by myself, for all I care at this point; IN all honesty. It might be hard at times; I've actually noticed that I'm starting to have some sort of 'feelings' again, physically. My new med is actually supposed to 'enhance' my libido. Yeah, I know; GREAT timing. Haha But again; it IS what it is. I'd rather date a buffet of men, and have NO 'feelings' involved, and NO physical attachment or activity, being sex; rather than end up in failed relationship, after failed relationship, after failed relationship... And, so on. Or just be alone; that works too, and is far less complicated. Lonely, but less complicated. I'd rather be ALONE for the RIGHT reasons; than WITH someone for the WRONG ones. And my cards lately... Haha They're killing me. I think it's 3 times in a ROW now, they've ENDED with the King and Queen of Swords; last 6 cards. I HOPE this 'battle' is gonna come to an end; like NOW.

Well, I need to get ready to go to the office for a bit; so, I'll probably be back later as long as I'm LEFT ALONE. I JUST need him GONE, please... Please. I was nice about everything; tried to help, let him sleep on my couch for a week. But I can't continue to be taken advantage of; so, PLEASE don't allow this to be DIFFICULT. Because HAVING him here, HAS been; and I don't know how much more flat out and honest I can be, WITHOUT saying, "GET the FU-K OUT; NOW". We all know, I DON'T like having to do that. PLEASE just let him leave; on his own... Today would be good; but tomorrow is acceptable.

OK, Mom, gotta go for now. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. So, last night after I said "goodnight", I got up to do my final 'nightly routine'; which got me out of 'fall asleep' mode. So, I did cards to get tired. I ended up having to throw them out 3 times to confirm what they were saying to me; I wanted no mistake. The 2nd time, in all honesty; I was going to put them away, when a chunk just FELL out as I was 'cleansing' them. I looked at you, felt you; I got the message. Read them; so I did. When I saw the very first 3 cards, I REALLY got the message as to where you were going; so I continued. I was even more taken aback by that one; so it was definitely time to ask a VERY direct question; so I did. Again, I was SO thrown by the reading... I've done a few times throughout these last couple of months, what I've done before; I've actually taken a few 'snapshots' of the cards... I don't know if it's 'proof' to myself for when it happens; I can look back and 'confirm' myself. I've done it in so many of Ken's and my breakups; and it did help. It 'confirms' that, sorry... I have been on the 'right track'. It makes me feel better about the 'gift' you passed onto me; how I utilize it, and for what purposes. I use it the same way you did, Mom; as counseling, and to see where to go from there. But in all honesty, if this is really true; like I've KNOWN the cards to be since I was 15 years of age... 35 years of my life... Then my mind has been literally FUBAR'ed. Anyone that's ever seen 'Tango and Cash' will be familiar with that acronym, and what it stands for; and all I can say is... I'll believe it when I SEE it, FEEL it, AND SENSE it. Anyone can change if they REALLY want to; but they have to WANT to, then actually take ACTION. But IF it happens... OK; but I'm a hard nut to crack now. I'm what 'he' created; slowly, but I'm trying to 'make my way back' to, at least some sort of myself. I've done it before; I should be able to do it again. It's just... This time was so different; and we all know why. Never again will I be hurt like that... NO ONE will EVER break me like that again. NO one; not even him... Not even for a chance at love.

OK, Mom, I gotta get ready for work. Please watch over Mom and Dad. Give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... So, apparently this situation IS gonna be a little aggravating, like I thought. I didn't want to hurt him, and I did; but it's gotta be that I work on me, and he works on himself; we remain friends... But that's the end of OUR story. There's no 'future' for US. I have too much going on with myself, and according to the cards; my life. Oh, well, speak of the Devil... I'll be back; he wants to talk MORE. Love you, Mom; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom; I'm so sorry about earlier, and it's taken a bit to get back here. I had an opportunity to go to the food pantry, so I took it. Also, to actually get a break from Sully. YES, PLEASE; and THANK YOU!!! Haha Yeah, I'm NOT turning THAT one down!!! Haha BUT, anyway...

So, we had quite the conversation; no matter what, they all end with 'he and I together' in HIS mind, and off of HIS lips. Sorry... If this showed me anything, it's that I DON'T want to be with him. FRIENDS; PERIOD. He's having a HARD time accepting it. I've allowed him to stay on my couch a few nights, so he could look for a job up the strip. I don't even want to get INTO any of that, because it pisses me off so much. I told him straight up, that he HAD to GO; so, he'll be gone by this weekend. I even told him, it just made me feel like I was 'following the same patterns'; and I'm NOT DOING IT. I had no problem helping him out, while he was trying to find a job... Had that happened. OMG. Yup; gotta go... Immediately. No more talking "Me and you, and you and me" crap. We ARE; but JUST as friends. I KEEP drilling that; because every time he says something like that, it's as though he's 'fantasizing'. People can convince themselves that a lie is the truth; I've been through THAT before. At least he's not 'haunting' me or anything; and he KNOWS he HAS to be gone BY the weekend. I didn't mean to, or want to hurt him; that's why I started OUT honest about everything... And maintained honest about everything. I've changed; but not where it counts. 

OK, Mom, I'm tired... Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. You have no clue how badly I wanted to write to you again yesterday and last night; I've just been doing a lot of thinking... About a lot of different things; but I'm really feeling I'm not ready for any of this. It's either that, or I don't WANT it... I'm paying such close attention to everything; that includes myself, because I don't want to repeat MY patterns. I even TOLD him that; it's not so much him, as it is me... But it's him, too. Yeah; I really don't think it's all me and what 'I've been through'. I think I'm just sick and tired of the 'same ole, same ole'. 

I KNOW that what he's telling me about his FEELINGS for me is absolutely TRUE; I SEE it, FEEL it and SENSE it. It's ALL there. But there are other things that I pick up on that I just don't... OK. HE has things that HE needs to work on too; to get his 'life in order' and on the right track. To 'fix' himself, just a little in the process. He says he can DO it though; and what I know of him all these years, I have no reason to believe otherwise. But I ALSO can't live or 'plan a future' on grandiose dreams; such as, "I'm gonna win Megabucks or Powerball, Baby and buy us a Log Cabin..." Blah, blah, blah. Oh, that would be AWESOME!!! DON'T get me wrong; but I've never known ANYONE in MY life personally, that DID win... And I'm not gonna DEPEND on him WINNING for OUR future; plans NEED to be based on something MORE solid of a foundation. GOALS are GOOD; but then you WORK towards them... Not just 'dream', or count on a miracle. Another thing is mess... Now, I've BEEN extremely ill, and am STILL recovering; I have a ways to go. I have made it CLEAR to everyone around me, like I've BEEN TRYING to for YEARS, that MY life NEEDS to be simplified. I NEED to NOT be cleaning up after, and taking care of everyone ALL the time. When people are at MY house, it would be nice if they contributed to keeping it neat and clean. HE thinks he doesn't MAKE a mess. OH, REALLY??? I guess it's because EVERY TIME he got up, I CLEANED it up and neatened the area. Dishes in the sink; DO YOUR OWN, DAMN IT!!! I DO!!! I'm SICK and TIRED of doing EVERYONE'S dishes and cleaning EVERYONE'S mess, when MY apartment doesn't GET a mess when it's JUST me and Sully; even Blayze. Add ONE more person, and it's destruction. 

I just find myself getting aggravated AT him for all kinds of things. OMG... For instance; he told me he LOVES my coffee. "That's a GREAT cup of coffee, right there. How do you make it?" He apparently loves coffee, too; not like Ken, but has a couple to a few cups. So, I even showed him HOW to make coffee IN MY maker; or was at least TRYING to. I can NOT STAND when I'm TRYING to talk, and people CONSTANTLY talk over me, cut me off; WHATEVER. I've lived a LIFETIME of it, just went through an abusive relationship with it; not dealing with it. I'm trying to show HIM how I make coffee in MY coffee maker because HE said he "LOVED" MY coffee; so shut up about how YOU make coffee with however many SPOONFULS... I have a SCOOP, and THIS is HOW many. Haha  Have I gotten hard and cold? When someone is SHOWING you HOW to DO something; PAY ATTENTION!!! Don't stand there, taking charge about how YOU usually do it; it DOESN'T MATTER. You wanna DO it YOUR way WHEN you do it; GO AHEAD. But it would be a stupid thing to DO, because that's a LOT of spoons in comparison to a couple of scoops. HAHA  But whatever... HE wants to get MORE serious; talk more about what he "has to do to be [my] man". I really feel I need to back away for BOTH our sakes; I DON'T want to hurt him, and I already know I'm going to. I'm NOT ready... But I've BEEN telling him that "I've changed"; I'm NOT the same person he 'knew' before. The more he gets to know me, he may discover he DOESN'T want to be with me. He says, "No. I KNOW. I'm NOT fu—ing this up. I know what I want; and it's YOU. ME and you. Together forever." I can't do it right now... 

I've told him over and over, that I'm still working on ME; and that I have a WAYS to go. I'm not over Ken really; you can't shut 'love' off like a light switch... Even though some 'act' as though they do; I CAN'T. I'M genuine; for REAL. What you see, is what you get. What you hear, is ALWAYS the truth; and you'll ALWAYS know where you stand with me. There's never any DOUBT; you'll KNOW how I feel, because what I TELL you will be the TRUTH. This is gonna take TIME for me... And I NEED it.

It's not that some things haven't been nice, because they have. We've gotten take out, and I didn't have to pay. Haha Last night, we had Chinese. THAT'S a nice change; feeling like 'the woman' for a change. BEING treated, rather than always TREATING. Pizza, subs... That part has been nice. The things he's said to me, that have actually 'assisted' my cleansing and purifying process; those things, I REALLY needed to hear come GENUINELY from someone's lips that TRULY loved and cared for me. I know that he does. But I'm just NOT READY to 'move on' with anyone else right now; I just need to be by myself... For now. I need to 'heal' more. My heart was RIPPED and torn to pieces. With a heart the size of mine, TIME is the only remedy for repair. 

So, now I've just gotta figure out HOW I'm gonna do this. I'm sure he sees me acting a little differently; and I've been 'aggravated' at things. Like last night, even though I still get winded just walking around or having conversation; he wanted me to WALK to the fireworks. Ummmmm, NO. One, I'm in NO physical condition to even CONTEMPLATE that right now. Two, even when I'm MY 100%, I have to be careful about 'taking walks'; distance, walking on tar or ANY hard surface affects me. I hold onto the cart whenever I go shopping for reasons. I WANT to get back into 'exercising'; but at a GYM. Where I KNOW I can get back home without difficulty, then collapse. Haha Also, I really don't care about fireworks; yeah, they're nice and all... But whatever. I was EXHAUSTED and JUST wanted to rest. I told HIM to just GO; ENJOY. He didn't want to go without me, so he decided to just watch them from downstairs. OK. But then he came up and wanted me to go DOWN with him. I had already explained that I don't care about the fireworks, and that I was exhausted and wanted to rest. I had ALSO already explained that IF I went down with him, EVERYONE ELSE would occupy me; I deal with people ALL day, EVERYDAY, and I just didn't want to. I wanted peace and quiet and to rest; but that it wouldn't have been 'he and I' ANYWAY, because of everyone else. I had to explain it ALL over again when he came back up to ask me to go down with him. The first time should've been enough. IF I had changed my mind and wanted to go down, I would've just DONE it. This is MY turf; I'm not shy... Not that I am anyway. Haha 

I don't know, Mom... Like I said; he's a great guy. Always has been; but I really just want to be 'myself' right now. I need to continue on the path that I was on, and continue to 'simplify' my life and 'heal'. I'm DESPERATELY trying NOT to travel the same 'rocky roads' I have throughout my lifetime; I'm TRYING to break my own patterns. So, please help and guide me... Because I ALSO don't want to become a 'Cold Hearted Bitch', just to be candid.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. I was just looking through the names of how I 'titled' each page of the journal I'm typing in; I had to laugh at how funny and DRASTIC the change was, just over the course of 4 days. Haha Talk about going from real HIGH, to real LOW. Haha I MUST be Bi-Polar then; Manic mood swings. Haha So, the '?' in my medical record has FINALLY been answered; I AM Bi-Polar... Sometimes. Haha OMG, it actually really IS funny; I'm sorry, Mom. Just peek over my shoulder next time.

So... Today really HAS been a day from Hell; one of my 'Murphy' days. But I did physically better; now if my voice would catch up. Haha I got a lot done, and it felt good. I'm definitely getting there. Sully has still REALLY been pushing the limits OVER the edge; so, I have been throwing something out there that I would do if he didn't stop, and start being a good boy again. I did it tonight; and I think it was QUITE effective. Blayze wasn't even home WHEN it occurred; but he saw a different Sully when he got HOME. He was wondering what was up with the good manners, and being polite; basically 'kissing ass'. Haha Yeeeaaahhh... If THIS one doesn't work; then Sully is just a sociopath like Tori. 

As for my other issues at hand... Believe it or not, I have not even had the opportunity to deal with them; I think he's avoiding it, because he kinda knows already and doesn't wanna HEAR it. He's been around all day, as far as I know. But while I was busy, he came up, and just passed out on my couch. Yeah, I'm not cool with everything going on... There are things that are supposed to be getting done; by HIM, and they're NOT. He 'Talks the Talk; but he doesn't Walk the Walk'. I'm done with broken and empty promises. Well, HELLO, 'Sleeping Beauty'… I'll be back, Mom.

Well... I'm NOT sure how that went. ??? I was completely FLAT OUT about how I felt... He thanked me for being me, so honest with him, it was just what he needed... Blah, blah, BLAH. The WHOLE time, I was trying to get my foot OUT of his grasp. Haha He just wasn't getting that I didn't want him 'touching' me, so I gave up. But I pretty much ended it with, "So, I'll do me, and YOU do you"; yadda, yadda, yadda. He STILL was asking if he "Got right", would I give him a chance. I told him that this has only proven to me that I'M not ready. He continued to push... I pushed back. He STILL left my room, after I kicked him out saying, basically we'd be together. Uuuummmm, NO; I have a say in that, too. I've already 'tested it out', and it's a NO GO; sorry. It'll sink in eventually; it will have to. I'm not trying to be mean; I'm trying to nip this in the bud before I hurt him worse. I know I'm JUST not ready...

So, my Sideline number stopped ringing since I last mentioned it; then today, it rang out of the blue again... Same number. So, SOMEBODY wants to talk to me; so, I think they just SHOULD. Instead of just hanging up, or making a 'sigh' sound. I've texted, but received no response... I guess, whenever they're ready. I KNOW someone's there. There have been some other calls... Weird. But anyway... Time for some more burning of Sage, I guess. I need to do the apartment anyway. 

OK, Mom. I'm getting tired, so I'm gonna call it a night. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Happy 4th of July, Mom!!! How I wish you were here to hug... I miss you SO much. You know; I'm really happy to have THIS to 'communicate' with you, too. It's like a 'permanent record' of our relationship, as well as a way for me to utilize one of my passions (writing) for multiple things; whether it's to 'counsel' MYSELF, or 'vent'… Or even just work out some 'little issues' I have going on; writing about them either helps me 'make a decision' about something, 'clarifies' something I may have felt a little confused about... I get to work out ALL the angles of something, and 'see' it more clearly. So, this was definitely a 'positive' thing that, yes, Ken brought into my life. I wonder why he never kept up with Jason's; with all the time he spent on his phone and 'online'. Here we go with another 'Maybe'… 'Maybe' If he had spent more time doing stuff like THAT online instead of what he was doing... 'Healthy' things instead of 'unhealthy' things; but again, it's another "If I had only..." Whether said or did; or didn't say, or didn't do... Past tense, and usually ends with regret; just in this case, not mine. 

Yesterday was basically my first REAL day back; what a DAY IT WAS!!! Haha I normally finish up my work BEFORE 1:00, and am home in time to see my soap. I can usually even STAY home for the rest of the afternoon; IF someone calls and needs something, a room or whatever, I go. Yesterday, I was BOMBARDED the MOMENT I was in the upstairs HALLWAY on my WAY to work. "Wylene!!! YOU'RE BACK??? I NEED to SEE YOU!!!" Yeah; yeah. Of COURSE you do, because Sarah doesn't do ALL that I do. Hahaha But that's SMART; she doesn't want to be a 'me' and wear herself OUT by the time she's 50. Haha I'm making it VERY CLEAR to people that I AM starting to take care of ME now; it's HAPPENING, like it or not. Oh my Lord, Sully... You've seen Sully, and HOW he's been acting WHILE I've been SO ill. He's been a DEVIL CHILD; DELIBERATELY. Well... I'm STARTING to feel BETTER; I'm about 75% there. He's getting a taste that MEME' is BACK. Last night, he pushed it RIGHT over the edge and I HAD ENOUGH. I have been WARNING him, and WARNING him; he has NOT taken heed. I put him RIGHT in the trash; told him I'm DONE; and since he wanted to ACT like TRASH, he was getting thrown OUT with the trash. Hahaha  Ooohhhh, he did NOT like that... Haha I even said to him that he's SEEN me throw people out, right? To include his OWN father... He shook his head "Yes". I said because THEY acted like 'trash', too. TRASH doesn't BELONG in MY house; so if HE wanted to live like 'trash', he could go live somewhere else. I could make a call. He VERY rapidly shook his head "NO". I left him there for a little bit, to let it sink in... Then I went back to talk to him further. He's been good since, so far. Haha  When all was said and done, and he was back in his room, Blayze looked at me with a HUGE smile on his face and said, "Well, THAT should be quite effective" and just laughed. Hey... I remember not being ANYTHING like Sully, and YOU put ME in the trash can for what; not even 5 minutes? I was GREAT for WEEKS!!! HAHA And I was ACTUALLY a GOOD kid; just 'opinionated', and felt the need to 'express' myself. Haha But when you're a LITTLE kid, and you're MOTHER says something to you... Keep your DAMN 'opinions' to YOURSELF sometimes. Haha Yeah, I learned THAT one that day. Let's hope Sully can be JUST as 'sharp'; but somehow I have a feeling... NOT. Haha 

I worked until 5:00 last night without being able to come home for lunch. Like I said; BOMBARDED. People were stopping me on my way DOWN to the office, and the moment I got TO the office, I had 3 people show UP. Haha I also had more training to do with Cassandra... REALLY busy, non-stop day. Sarah actually even wanted me to work TODAY. Haha I was like, "It's a HOLIDAY!" She laughed and said, "I know; I just hate to miss out on anything." I get that; I do. I'll answer the phone, and I ALWAYS go to the office no matter what to make sure everything is the way it's supposed to be. But as for seeing people today... I'll tell them there's availability, and to come TOMORROW. If it was absolutely necessary, and they were in need, I'd rent today; but otherwise, tomorrow. I deserve that. Not only do I just work ALL the time; but I'm still not fully well, and if I push myself... I won't GET well. 

Sorry for the delay, Mom; Blayze came up, then he showed up, too. I also got into 'Criminal Minds' which is still on; but Blayze is out in the living room and he's off doing something right now. But THIS episode I GOTTA pay attention to. It's even a CONTINUED episode... Haha OMG, it just DRAWS you in like 'Law and Order' does; but they're completely different shows. They figure cases out differently... I just love it. I love AND 'admire' the intelligence involved. I also love when I already KNOW where they're going with it, and am RIGHT. It shows that the people in my life that have said the things to me that they have; about what I actually could have BEEN or DONE with my life... Even they 'perceived' me correctly; 'read' ME right. I loved something I heard in the episode today. People were in a hostage situation; there was an explosion. An old couple was found still alive; the woman was conscious, but the man wasn't. Both were alive. When the FBI Agent said, "We're gonna get you outta here"; the old woman said, "Please leave me here with HIM. He's my Love of 66 years; he's my story..." OMG, my eyes just WELLED with tears. "He's my story", because they spent their LIVES together; and if necessary, they would die together... And that would be the "End of their story"; but TOGETHER. Now, THAT'S REAL Love. Then at the end, 2 FBI Agents that were SO OBVIOUSLY in Love, got married; after a VERY traumatic personal involvement WITH the hostage situation... Child of theirs involved, and everything. It was just an AMAZING 2 episodes... Really tore up my heart. Haha But anyway... 

I gotta get ready to go down to the office. Cassandra has already checked in with me; I got a room I have to check out, she's gonna at least start on. OMG, my friend moved out, and I just can't believe it. He didn't even talk to me about not having the money for rent. But, what can you do... 

OK, Mom... Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. You know what? I actually had a GOOD weekend for the FIRST time since... Blayze and I went to Derry for that cookout; but we ALSO had to deal with that JERK... Mike, was it? I don't know; but the rest of the night was GREAT. This weekend was really nice. I've returned to work, people are happy to see me; asking me so very concerned, if I'm doing better. Sarah wasn't kidding; I guess they do kinda care. My nails FINALLY got done. Haha I did a deeper purple; they look awesome. I'm back down to ONE of my usual weights. Haha I weighed myself a few days ago, even with a little on; I was 135 lbs. MUCH better... When I see 125, I'll be happier. He thinks I'm CRAZY. Haha He's like, "You're ALREADY F-I-N-E, FINE." Haha OMG, Mom... Do you HEAR the things he says to me???

Pretty much, every time we have a 'real' conversation about 'things'; I end up in TEARS. Not BAD tears; good and even 'cleansing, purifying' tears. You remember, this is a man I actually have known for a while; I just didn't think I'd 'get with him'. But, Mom... He's GENUINELY 'IN Love' with me; and HAS been for quite some time. There are tell tale signs, physically when someone is talking to you; I could always tell when Ken was saying something to me 'from the heart', or when he was 'just saying it'. Even 'I love you', right to my face. There were times, this last time together, he actually looked at me and said, "I'm happy"; and he MEANT it. It came from his heart; but he was on Prozac. But unfortunately, medication can't change 'character'; that's a personal choice. He does have chemical imbalances that ARE somewhat in control of some of his actions. If he admitted 'the problem' TO a counselor, got the help he needed, and possibly medication; he'd have a chance at a 'normal, committed' relationship with someone he loved. But if he just continues on the way he has been; then so will his life. But anyway... When he and I talk, there are none of those tell tale signs; NONE. We've both just been through 'a rough patch', and have some things to work on for ourselves; so even though he'd LIKE to go a little faster... He RESPECTS ME and how I feel. He actually knows Ken, and a bit of what we went through; and apparently, others have filled him in, QUITE a bit. Mostly true; what wasn't, I set straight. Ken broke shit, got violent, and I KNOW he wanted ME to hit HIM; which wasn't gonna happen. He got 'pushy' at times; once I landed right on my butt in the kitchen, near Jenn's door. But I KEPT saying, "I wasn't gonna live my OLD life"; and I MEANT it. But anyway... He NEVER hit me or "attacked" me. He was MAJORLY emotionally abusive... And he basically 'used' me, even though he genuinely loved me. You DON'T hurt the ones you love; especially the way he does. But again; get the help. 

Anyway... I wanna talk about what happened THIS weekend; not for the last almost 4 years. We talked a LOT. He thinks I look like Sarah Palin when I don't have makeup on, and especially with my glasses. He said, "And THAT'S NOT a bad thing. I think SHE is a BEAUTIFUL Woman. I was actually infatuated with her when she was running for President." And he laughed. I told him, as I laughed... I don't take it as an insult in the slightest; and I, myself see the similarities when I look the way I did. Haha I thought the same thing back when she was running for President; she wears her hair the same way I do a lot, when I wear some clipped back. When I have my glasses on... We could be related. Haha But those aren't the things that he says to me that put me in tears. He tells me what "an incredible woman" I am, ALL the time; just because of anything and everything ABOUT me. I know, because I asked him why... That's always his answer. Sometimes, it's, "It's JUST YOU. EVERYTHING ABOUT you. You're AMAZING. Thank you for being you." He says THAT to me ALL the time; "Thank you for being YOU." He keeps telling me how he's, "Gonna get it RIGHT, so he can get it RIGHT"; and he points at me. So, he's telling me that he's gonna work HARD on what he's got to 'get done', so that he and I can 'get it together'. He keeps talking about he's gonna win powerball and megabucks for US, so that we can buy a log cabin and a motor home, and just TAKE OFF. Haha Funny thing is... Log cabin has ALWAYS been my plan; I was gonna design and build one on the lake, with a few acres of land. BUT... I had kids instead. Haha He understands that even though we 'know' each other and stuff; I NEED to take this slow. I JUST had a 3-½ year relationship with the love of my life, and HE was just in my bed a month and a half ago. What I've ALREADY managed have been HUGE steps for ME; but he understands. He says, "But I'm a GUY; and I LOVE you. I'm GONNA tell you how I feel." Because even though he has NO problem as to how long he has to wait for me; we're doing this thing DAY BY DAY, to even SEE where it goes. But he does talk about 'future possibilities'. Haha It makes me feel a way that's hard to describe... I'm VERY Broken; and I told him that. I still have a ways to go, even as far as I've come. But I WANT to be able to be a 'REAL Woman' again; if at ALL possible. All I know is it feels SO GOOD to actually be able to 'trust'; what someone says to me, what they're doing when they're away from me... I can actually SENSE and FEEL it; the TRUTH from him. I have NO doubt... And I can't tell you how 'releasing' that is; how GOOD that feels. Even when he's talking TO me, ABOUT me; I can BELIEVE it. It's just amazing... Other things that he's said to me, too; I really just can't put into words what they meant to me, or how they made me feel. But they put me into tears... Haha A LOT of what he's been saying to me; BECAUSE it's really coming FROM HIS HEART and he REALLY MEANS it... THAT'S why it's putting me into tears; I've needed to hear these things FOR REAL, for SO LONG from someone that I actually MEANT something to... Which I OBVIOUSLY do to him. It's REAL, Mom. I SEE it, I SENSE it, and I FEEL it; so I hope I don't end up hurting him in ANY way. I hope I can 'heal' enough to give this a REAL shot.

OK, Mom, I gotta go shower for work. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Well, I have to say that I'm feeling pretty good; much better than I was. I still get winded from walking around; but I can make it DISTANCE first, and be up and about for a while before I start to feel 'tight', winded and NEED to sit. That's a FAR cry from going from my room to the bathroom, having to rest THERE for a while; THEN proceed back to my room, once ON my bed, COLLAPSE and take 15-20 minutes to recoup for the MOST part. Yeah... I'm no-where near MY 100%; but I'm a HECK of a lot better and happier. I was READY to die; I could SO 'relate' to how you felt for so many years. From here on out, I've GOTTA take better care of myself; and other people are JUST gonna HAVE to 'get a clue'. I WANT what I have in my life here; it FULFILLS ME. But it HAS to be limited. Even my own have to get a grip on a few things... When I actually ASK for help; GIVE it to me. How often do I ASK??? And for WHAT and HOW MUCH am I ASKING for? NOT much; especially in comparison to what I HAVE done and DO FOR them. So, START returning the 'favors'. I STILL sacrifice and go without WAY TOO MUCH for everyone else; and THAT'S JUST WRONG. THEY are ADULTS; and when I ask Josh for a little money to help me out with Sully... I should GET it; because I NEVER DO, and I'M the one raising and supporting him out of MY pocket. This month, I'm hurting a bit; I NEED things for myself for my OWN health, have BILLS to pay, FOOD to buy... And I pay CASH for everything; I don't get HELP from anywhere, like food stamps. There are people out there that have it SO EASY, no mentioning names, that I'VE HELPED get what they get or WILL get; and what did or do I get from them? Exactly; nothing. Not even 'appreciation'; and in some cases, just 'screwed over'. But like I've said for many years, no worries; 'Karma' will be their 'Biggest Bitch'… Whether they're even aware of it or not, BECAUSE of HOW they live their lives. They make their choices, and I'll continue to make mine; which is why I always end up on MY feet... And they don't. I'm 'self sufficient', and they aren't. I don't have the problems in life that they do, because I make 'better choices' to live a decent, honest life. EVERYONE has problems; but it's the KIND of problems. The RIGHT road, is NEVER the 'easy' road... Lord knows, my life has NOT been easy; and that's OK. It's made me the person I am today; strengths, imperfections and all. But I'm GOOD with it; because I KNOW I'm 'OK'.

We had a nice night last night; did a LOT of talking... It's just weird how and when people come into your life. But like what I said about 'The 3rd Love'; it's unexpected. It may not even be what you desire for a while, because it was JUST so unexpected. It might be right under your nose, and you didn't even know it... There are so many different characteristics and possibilities for this Love, and the way for it to happen. I have to say, this is how THIS happened for me. I'm not 'in love', or anything like that. I'm in NO HURRY for 'feelings' of the heart. But it's NICE to be around a man that I KNOW is GENUINE, and NOT just saying or doing things 'to GET me'. I've actually known this man for quite a while; I just never thought... So, SEE??? People come into your life for reasons, and at TIMES for reasons; and then sometimes what you least expect, happens. Even Ken came into my life for reasons, as painful of a 'relationship' as that was. He came at a time, and DIDN'T leave like most men would, when I REALLY needed someone; and I will always be grateful for that. I would've gotten through, SOMEHOW, like I always do... BUT, the FACT IS, he was there and helped me through a VERY difficult time; and then took care of me when I was SO ill. That's what made me fall in love with him, and ACTUALLY let him IN and CLOSE to me even though I 'knew'… But there's even a song that says, "He's a man you hope you can change..." Didn't I always? Haha I gotta lose that way of thinking. If there are things about them I KNOW I JUST CAN'T live with; it's a no go. If they cheat; SEE YA! I'm going back to the OLD me; nobody's EVER getting THAT close again. But according to the cards, I AM going to find 'love' and be happy; so, AMEN!!! Let's see... Haha But they ALSO said that I was being 'released from my own prison'; FINALLY. I have been in an emotional prison; especially for almost 4 years now. But it DOES go deeper than that... I've carried a LOT of baggage from multiple levels of abuse for a LOT of years; my ENTIRE LIFE. I'm 50 years old; and I'm JUST starting to feel 'free'… I remember YOU going through something like this about an abusive issue from your childhood, when you were in your 40's. First, it's extremely painful; but then, it's purifying. I know I have a ways to go; and that’s why I tell him, we're taking this SLOW. ONE day at a time, and just see where it goes. I work on ME, while he works on HIMSELF; and we just see what happens. But so far, things are going well... It's gotten more 'comfortable' for me. 

Today, he's actually gonna help me do laundry; because I obviously can't do the lugging. I want to CLEAN. I'll take it easy on myself, and do it bit by bit. I have to go down to the office and take care of a couple things; check the room Cassandra did yesterday. She's BEEN supposed to do my nails; what's new. Haha But I told her TODAY. I'm MISSING 3!!! I am NOT gonna walk around like that, and I did have a talk with her about that; how my appearance is, is important to me. I understand that 'life' happens; but we NEED to make an APPOINTMENT and KEEP IT. This shit has GOT to stop. I also talked to her about the fact that we're both 'Alpa Females', and she's WORKING for me now; a line HAS to be drawn. Regardless of how CHAD is talking NOW, I have NEVER yelled and screamed at him. After he was rude to me in a TEXT, I gave it BACK to him in a TEXT; basically was MYSELF, and did NOT hold back. Said it LIKE it WAS. But I NEVER yelled and screamed at him, or told people they could GO TO HIS ROOM, ANYTIME, DAY OR NIGHT, like he told Sarah. Haha SHE knows what's true, and even SHE said that "Everybody seems to love and like you. EVERYBODY'S been asking about you, and how you are; when you'll be back." I laughed and said, "Really? Well, that's nice. That makes me feel good. But believe me; I'm sure not EVERYONE loves OR likes me. Haha A lot of people even seem to be afraid of me..." And we talked about some stuff that's happened, I found funny. Haha But it WAS nice to hear that everyone has been 'concerned'. When people saw me down there Friday, just to see Sarah, they stopped by to see me and how I was. That's also why yesterday was busier than usual. I guess I actually 'scared' some people. Well, GOOD. Treat me better and appreciate me. But Cassandra and I being 'Alpha Females'; I told her, when I'm telling you things, I'm JUST filling you in. Telling you the procedure of the BUSINESS. IN the business, I need you to report to me; what you do, when, and when it's finished. I need to be able to answer to SARAH. I am NOT ordering you around; I am as NICELY as possible telling you WHAT the situation at hand IS. The line needs to be drawn. She said she gets it; I hope she does and will. I've NEVER treated people like 'employees'; we're a 'team'. HERE, I KNOW things are different because I don’t get PAID; but to TRULY run a SUCCESSFUL business, EVERYONE should know their 'place and position'. That's why it bothered me when they said when 'trouble' was in the air, that I "created" the positions. No... I was 'hired on' as "Manager". There WAS an "Asst. Manager" position; and they talked about "Maintenance". I changed Jenn to 'Housekeeping', because she was NOT an 'Asst. Manager' or ANY type of 'Manager'. She [barely] cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen, and was a liar and a thief. So, the ONLY one I "created" was 'Housekeeping', and 'Building' got added to 'Manager', ONLY because I liked it when I was putting my position on Facebook; and when I was trying to JUST put 'Manager of a Boarding House'… IT changed it to 'Building Manager'. I LIKED it, and said, "I'm keeping that in my signature, because that IS what I'm doing." I didn't think it would be a big deal... It IS what I'm doing; and I did other stuff, too. I developed everything we're using, except "The Edmond Bible"; but I 'altered' that to 'improve' it... And, of course, I have nothing to do with our computer software, other than USING it. Haha My brother Jon could do that though. Haha I think I heard he's actually NOT working for Fidelity anymore; he got REALLY high up in their IT Dept. He was writing THEIR software programs. I remember when he built my first computer. Haha That was SOOOOO long ago... I haven't seen or talked to him since long BEFORE you died. Danny and Dad are the only ones... I'm fine with that though.

OK, Mom; I guess that's it for today. I think I'm gonna call Mom to check on Dad; I haven't heard anything and they've been on my mind. Watch over them for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. He's downstairs for a few, and I just came across something that actually ended a long wait for me... I found the envelope that my REBATE CARD ALREADY came in; which means that Ken stole it from me, and never told me it came. Wonder what he used THAT money for? So, not only was I working for the roof over his head, and supporting him while he was just sitting here using me, and cheating on me; he stole more money from me, too. I just don't want to get into it anymore... It's done.

I called and talked to Mom for a while; it was so nice to hear her voice. She and Dad had gone OUT!!! So, THAT was nice!!! I'm so glad Dad got out; it's been a while. I'm glad he got out for something NICE; to eat seafood! Mom said he's doing good right now; but that Ken isn't. He's having more frequent seizures, apparently. Not good... He needs to talk to Nilsa, and see if possibly he needs to see a specialist; or maybe need a higher dose. Nilsa is admittedly just a 'General Practitioner'. If she needs to send you elsewhere, she will. Despite everything, I would like Ken to get 'well'; at this point, I just don't see it happening. He and I could've... Yeah, well; 'would've', 'should've', 'could've'. ALL past tense, and tend to come with regret.

OK, he's back so I gotta go. I'll talk with you later. Watch over Mom, Dad and I guess Ken. I love and Miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Sorry I didn’t get to spend time with you here yesterday; but a lot happened, as you know. Nothing I can consider 'bad'. I just really think I'm 'making my mind' up about things. One of the first things that got accomplished yesterday, and I have to say that it DID feel good, was to fire Chad. Yeah; I USED to consider him a friend EVEN though I knew FULL WELL he was lying to my face about being a CURRENT Crack user. Having him THINK I was 'stupid' all this time was annoying; but 'Devil's Advocate'. He was ONE of my 'Eyes in the Sky'; or even more accurately, he was a 'Rat' of the building. A BIG one; but I have others. Now his rent is back to $140/wk as of YESTERDAY, and he can't meet it. But WE, 'The BOSSES' are getting tired of being told "NO" about him doing his JOB because he has PERSONAL PLANS. This time, it was he needed $25 for cigarettes and SODA; and this weekend, he was going camping. Oh; so do your JOB BEFORE YOU GO. A ROOM needed to be done, and probably would've taken about 1-½ hours for HIM. But he reverts back to cleaning OUT the rooms is "not HIS job". Hahaha AGAIN... THAT was a deal that I MADE with him, did not HAVE to because I have made it CLEAR to Sarah that part of the job is beyond me now. It's MORE important to HER to keep me for what she needs me for; what I'm GOOD at. The fact that I STILL KICK IN wherever necessary is just ANOTHER thing she loves about me. The rumors about what he'd be doing around the building and TO the new person, started BEFORE he got fired; so he knew it was coming. So, I warned Sarah. He already has enough on his record for us to get him out; we checked. Because I said to Sarah, when he can't pay and we serve... Let's NOT accept his rent even if he comes up with it. He WILL be trouble and with the drugs and prostitutes; sorry, I'm not turning the other cheek anymore. I serve him TODAY... :-D He already has 3 on his record, which is ALL we need in a calendar year. I'm sure she and I will discuss it further; but it is what I want, is him gone. He's a liar, a con; he's a 'baby', and I don't need his 'crybaby ass' around here causing problems.

I actually felt well enough and went down to see Sarah yesterday; I've really missed her and told her so. She told me she's missed me too, with a big smile on her face. She's definitely grateful I'm so 'detailed' with everything. I write notes on EVERYTHING. Haha I marked when Chad started here, because he was arguing as to when he did, and what he owed for rent. NOPE. I WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN, and Sarah knows it. When I got down there, she was looking through my 'Edmond Bible' book and found exactly what she was looking for. Haha She said she KNEW I wrote everything down and took good notes; she was right. Then we sat and visited for a while, and caught up on business too; talked about Chad. Haha He actually showed up while I was there, saw me and backed up so he was out of view while he talked with Sarah with 'attitude'. He had hung a sign on his door that I took down on my way by, saying that he no longer works for the building; to either go to the office or 'whylenes' at apt 201. He knows that's not allowed. Haha So, that's just another one of his childish tactics. So, when he was done with Sarah, I said, "And don't hang anymore signs or tell people to come to my apartment." He said, "YOU'RE the Manager." I said, "Yeah, IN the office during business hours." He continued to mouth off about I never allowed that for him. Bottom line was I ABSOLUTELY told him what he could tell people that knocked on his door during off hours IF he chose to answer it. So again; liar and childish troublemaker. He's got attitude problems. He had it made, and got LAZY. He looked at it like he was doing us "a favor"; he got $125/week taken off his rent. Then he expected 'special favors' that even I don't get with ALL I do. Haha An air conditioner. Yeah, OK CHAD... $200+/month JUST for YOU. Then EVERYONE would want one; and I actually should have one, because I NEED it for my breathing issues. But I don't ask. AH; enough on CHAD... I hired Cassandra on a probationary period; she starts today. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking... And of course the cards out of boredom... And I decided against the whole Dallas thing. He's disappointed; but I know it's not him in my cards, and the more I talk with him... Yeah, he's sweet; a sweet TALKER. He's DEFINITELY GORGEOUS... But I ALWAYS look through that. I think he's looking at me the way most men do; 'a conquest'. Not that I don't like hearing how "beautiful" and "gorgeous" I am; and that he "JUST CAN'T BELIEVE that [I'm] 50!!!" Haha I love that nobody can. :-D  Thank you, Mom for your GREAT DNA. But I know you know what I'm saying; I don't need to meet him to know. We've been chatting long enough and I'm 'reading between the lines'. It's not that he's another Ken; he has legit issues. He's a sex addict and isn't being treated for it. He has other issues, too; but sex addiction is also a chemical imbalance. Had he dealt with the actual issue... Well, neither here nor there; because I have reached my limit. I've also decided to possibly take another route; an older man, but not by much. I think he may be the one that KEEPS coming into my cards because the feelings are 'pure' and 'true'; and isn't that what I'm looking for? I spent time with him last night and will today... First time I've let anyone near me; and it was weird, but kinda nice in a way. I'm obviously gonna have to take it REAL SLOW; but he has NO problem with that. Just day by day, and see what happens. I told him, I still have more work to do on myself; he said he does too, which is true. So, we agreed; we'll just spend time together and 'see what happens', but made no promises. I'm GOOD with that, of course because it was my suggestion. Haha But he's ALL for it. He gives me affection, and it's OK; because I KNOW it's genuine, and he's not pushy about anything. You KNOW the difference. In the past, I've even SAID to men, "You're gonna change." They'd reply, "No; this is ME." But it wasn't; I was right, and they DID change. Every time. So, I know who and what I am; and my instincts are right on. I'm sorry if that's a bad thing for other people. Sometimes, it's not so hot for me. Haha The ridicule I've had to live under my entire life JUST because of who and what I am, and what I'm capable of; if people only knew how I REALLY felt inside most of the time. My life is extremely hard, on multiple levels. Life is already difficult... Why people find the need to make life miserable on others, I'll never understand.

OK, Mom. I gotta get ready for work. Gotta get Cassandra 'broken in', and appointment coming to look at a room. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Well, I've had a VERY busy day, my first day back; and I wanted to get home to spend time with my guy. I can actually say that it's gotten more comfortable for me, where the affection is concerned. At first, I could feel it; I was SO... I don't wanna say 'stiff', but I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I'm feeling more and more at ease; and I've decided to just LET it happen. This could VERY well BE my 3rd Love – My Easy Love; the one I've not only been asking for, but waiting for. How ironic; but anyway... I don't want to 'curse' this. Haha I SEE a good trail so far in the cards; and before I read them last, you showed me WHO he is in the cards. I got it; thank you for that. I thought that was funny how that happened... I took the cards out; then the Knight of Pentacles fell out by itself. He's been in the readings, but he could've been any man. This reading was QUITE clear as to who he was, thanks to you. I got it. ;-) Because normally when they fall out, that's what you start with; not in this case. You were telling me something, because at FIRST I thought to put it up there; but it didn't feel right... Then I 'heard' you; and put it back in the deck. So, I AM just gonna 'go with the flow'. I actually FEEL his sincerity towards me about how he feels... He's actually at the store right now; which is why I have time for this. I may actually be 'released from my own prison'. Wouldn't THAT be awesome; if I could have SOME sort of 'normal relationship' after EVERYTHING I've been through? I've REALLY accomplished a LOT on myself; Blayze is proud of me, and honestly... So am I. 

OK, Mom, he's back; so I'm gonna say goodnight. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Well, it's been quite the day; but I'm definitely on the road to recovery. Even though I haven't been able to get ANYTHING from the pharmacy yet, I've just managed with whatever I had on hand here. I've been pumping myself with the Vitamin D, and I added B Complex; that always seems to help me. Today, I felt well enough to shower; because even just back and forth to the bathroom these days took 15-20 minutes to recoup from. It feels good to feel like I'm heading back to my normal crappy self. Haha Well, hopefully when I start that med, it will get rid of the feeling like someone's pulling the 'cables' in my arms; as TIGHT as they can. If I could lose the extreme pain in my upper body; specifically my hands, arms and shoulders... I think it would help me a LOT. I have a lot of pain everywhere else, too; but those areas are SOOOOOO EXTREME. My back and neck are killing me RIGHT NOW; and I can HEAR my neck CRUNCH and GRIND when I move it in MOST directions. My legs... Haha God, my legs. They give OUT on me, with shooting, sharp pains. Embarrassing when it happens in front of people? OH YEAH; but I say nothing except "excuse me" if necessary, and just keep trucking. I don’t want to depress myself. Haha I'm starting to feel BETTER. I actually DON'T look like 'The Crypt Keeper' today. Haha And the only makeup I put on was mascara; I don't look TOO bad. A ways to go to ME; but considering NO makeup... Not bad. 

I was talking with Dallas and it's a go for the weekend. I told him though, that this is something I want to keep quiet; I don't want people around here knowing 'my business'. Even though Ken and I have been broken up for a month and a half and everyone basically knows 'his story', and I haven't been with anyone at all; it's nobody's business WHAT I do, or with WHO. Tricky? Yeah, but it can be done. I don’t even know if it will go anywhere; so... It's something new, and I want to keep it to myself for a while; 'test drive' it, so to speak. I mean, come on; I have 'guys' contacting me all the time. Here's one I actually might like; MAYBE... I need to see; and he needs to see if he really likes ME. And I'M gonna 'READ' him. Haha I'll see what my first impression is; AND my last before the end of the date. I'll pay attention to everything in between... 

I just know that I want to be SEEN, KNOWN, LOVED and ACCEPTED for WHO and WHAT I AM. Doesn't everybody? So, this is NOT an 'unreasonable' request, desire or need. I'm a GOOD woman; STRONG woman; INDEPENDENT woman, that now needs help with things... I'm an HONEST woman; FAITHFUL, ONE-MAN woman; LOYAL woman; I'm a TRUE LADY, and actually have 'class'; you can be 'proud' to have me on your arm [so I've been told]... Are ANY of these 'bad' or 'unnacceptable' characteristics in ANY person? I have 'trust issues' because I've been burned to the core since the beginning of time; over, and over, and over... Not by just one, but by all; beginning with the one that should've protected me from all harm. Of course, not you, Mom; YOU were the one that was ALWAYS there. You and me against the world; even still... 

I just don't really know what to say to these 'guys' that contact me. If I said what I really THOUGHT; especially in response to their 'smooth pick up talk'… I'd basically tell them, "I'm not a whore; so why would I want a Whore-MASTER? Thanks; but NO thanks." Take your slippery tongue, and SLIDE ON TO someone who will actually LIKE IT. Haha I should turn them on to Tina. Haha Maybe they're already friends, and THAT'S where they see me. Haha  Sorry... I don't LIKE men LIKE that, and don't WANT [another] one. I want something REAL; and I'm holding out for it. I'll DIE first. Dating 'a buffet of men' is PERFECTLY fine with me, if I can't GET what I GIVE. It's as SIMPLE as THAT. 

Why do I want to be called a 'pet name' that they call everyone else? Why do I want arms that don't care who they hold, or lips who they kiss; hands who they touch? Why would I want someone that could even THINK 'lies' about me; never mind, allow them to roll off their tongue? You protect whom you love; not hurt. You're made to feel SPECIAL from the one that loves you; and THAT'S how I want to feel... Special. Not because they 'say' so; but because I AM to them; and NOBODY better SAY a bad word about, make a bad MOVE toward, or MEAN any harm to me... 'OR ELSE'. That's what I want. "When A MAN Loves A WOMAN"; Great song. Michael Bolton sang it with GREAT emotion; perhaps he had someone in mind. But definitely; DEFINITELY, I DON'T like it when they tell me they love me when they DON'T, or do NOT FEEL it. I don’t like playing the 'I love you' game when it's meaningless. I've already experienced enough of the fake and phony 'I love yous'. A REAL Woman 'senses' it... We know when they're not 'really with us'. I guess any guy I meet is in for a REAL challenge NOW. Gee; thanks, Ken... But, actually; yeah. Thanks, Ken. He really hurt me, over and over; but he also opened my eyes.

I was listening to my music in the shower this morning, and Travis Tritt's 'TROUBLE'… One of my favorites, is one that Lance used to sing TO me years ago. Haha I actually get it now. 

Well a sweet talkin', sexy walkin', honky-tonkin' baby
The men are gonna love ya and the women gonna hate ya
Remindin' them of everything they're never gonna be
May be the beginning of world war three

'Cause the world ain't ready for nothin' like Y-O-U
I bet your mama musta been another good lookin' mama too, yeah
Hey say hey good L double O-K-I-N-G
Well I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E

I LOVE that song; and the WAY Lance did it, OMG, HE NAILED IT. But he used to walk over to me when it got to certain parts of the song, and sing it right to me; that's one of them. Yeah, he's an entertainer; but he did it a LOT. Even married to Shelly. NOTHING would have ever happened, and they BOTH knew it; Lance tried many times when he was married to Amanda. What stopped it was the time when I was with Michael in a relationship; I went out to karaoke, alone because he's an alcoholic. Lance came up to me and said, "You know; you're a VERY sexual woman." I said, "I know that, but I didn't know that it was obvious." Haha He said, "You know what we should do? We should just SLEEP together, once or twice; just get it over with, but NEVER do it again. Because THEN, we wouldn't be having an AFFAIR on Michael or Amanda. It would just be a once or twice thing." I looked at him and said, "But that would lessen me as a person AND a woman." He looked down at the floor, just nodded "OK" and walked away. THAT was the end of it. Haha He still flirted and stuff; but NEVER tried to have sex with me again. But MAN; he could NOT WAIT to find OUT what I was LIKE in bed. When I was with Thom, he asked, and asked... Haha Finally, when it DID finally happen, and Lance and Shelly were over for dinner, he asked... Thom just waved his arms through the air and said, "FU—ING AMAZING." Lance's jaw just dropped to the floor. Haha I wasn't supposed to see or overhear the conversation, but it was kinda hard in our apartment; it was nice, but kinda small and wide open. Shelly and I heard. Haha WHY Lance 'justified' it the way he did... It WOULD'VE been CHEATING; it doesn't matter HOW you slice it, dice it, or parfait it. It would've been cheating. HE was married, and I was committed to Michael; we LIVED together. I had a RING; a DIAMOND and we were engaged, even though I never married him. When I commit; I COMMIT 100%. Anyway...

I've rambled enough for tonight. I'm starting to get tired, so I'll say goodnight. Please watch over Mom & Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Well, wasn't THAT quite the card reading?! I really don't even know what to say... So, perhaps it's best I say nothing at all. BLEW me away... But OK; we'll see.

Was it because we had that 'conversation' last night before I went to sleep; my feelings now about 'what' my relationship with Ken 'actually' was? We had, what I refer to as a 'Raw' conversation; I don't really hold back anything. Not even if it reveals weakness or fault of my own. TYPICAL Arians don't like to do that. I've never been 'typical', 'average' or 'usual' in ANYTHING. I am truly 'Unique'; for many reasons. But last night, as we have on numerous occasions throughout my time with Ken, we talked about my ACTUAL situation with him. I'm always saying how "I want something REAL". What I had with Ken wasn't; because it wasn't honest, faithful, dependable... What he showed me ABOUT him wasn't 'real'; it was fake. The REAL Ken is out there now; doing what he does... Which was why he and I were 'a lie'. He didn't show me the 'real' him, because he knew THAT 'him' never would've had a chance with a woman like me. Because in ALL honesty... I did love him; but I didn't LIKE him, especially at certain times. But the 'him' I loved, wasn't the REAL 'him'; it was the 'him' he 'put on' in ORDER to have me. He DID eventually really fall 'in love' with me, which was NOT the plan; but he couldn't 'convert' to the 'Right' way of life, make the 'Right' choices in order to KEEP me... And all he had to do was be a GOOD MAN. Yeah, 'Moral Choices'… But you have to HAVE morals in order to make them. 

I know and accept what our relationship was. He hurt me a lot; but I have, and will continue to heal and move on. I know who and what I am; what I'm worth and deserve. From here on out, I refuse to settle for less. 'Love' has NEVER been enough; it's the base of a relationship to BUILD on. Trust, honesty, fidelity, dependability and reliability... And it should ALL come EASY with the one you LOVE. THAT'S what I want. I'm holding out for my '3rd Love'; IF he ever shows. Haha Maybe it's Dallas? Haha  Yeah... He wasn't even IN this reading... THIS reading was... I don't want to talk about it; I'm waiting it all out, and SEE what happens. I just know I'm not settling ANYMORE, for ANYONE... And even the cards say THAT; and in the end, it's 'all good', Emperor & Empress. Some of the things that happen while I'm doing cards, I find funny. Cards flip over while I'm shuffling; I'm not sure if I should read it, so I put it back in and say if it's meant to fall out, it will. Next thing I know, that card falls out. Haha Sometimes, ONE single card will go FLYING out of the deck; and it was exactly what was needed to make sense with the TWO cards that were already sitting there. Haha Maybe I'll decide to read in the book on a specific card, for more depth and insight; I'll open the book RIGHT to the page OF that card... A lot of the time, even flip a chunk of pages to get to the NEXT card I want to read on, and land right on THAT card's page. These things, and more, happen ALL the time; I get a kick out of them. Hahaha 

I was talking with Sarah this morning; she's getting a taste of Sue. Haha She's been haunting outside the door because she wants her to call the doctor for her or something; so Chad's telling her she's on the phone or busy... But she's STILL THERE. Haha I said, "Welcome to my world." Haha She ACTUALLY SAID, "It actually hasn't been that bad; people aren't with ME like they are with YOU, thank God. I don't know HOW YOU DO IT, with the WHOLE building. No WONDER you got heart problems!" And she laughed... Haha So, as bad as this has BEEN for me; THIS was a GOOD THING. I KNOW Sarah appreciates me and what I do; but just like anyone at every job I've been at... They take what I do 'for granted', because I'm NOT one of those 'GIMME, GIMME, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME' type of people. Do I know I'm good at what I do? YUP; and SO do THEY. Granted, I am NOT the 'sharp tack' I used to be; able to run my life out of my head... Remember the most incredible details; but I'm still GOOD, and DO remember details. I just write more down now. Haha But anyway... Sarah shows me appreciation, and I just LOVE the relationship that we have. I know I've said it all before, but it's because it comes from my heart; it's gotten even better since she's around more. I've always adored and respected her; I definitely love her. My feelings for her have only grown more fond. But I'm sure that her filling in for me this week, gave her a little bit better of a perspective; I do earn my place here, because I even do MORE on top of 'my job'. I do more than what she's actually doing while 'filling in' for me; but we know she's grateful for that. Haha I NEED something in my life that gives me purpose; God didn't give me ALL that he did, and PUT me through ALL that I've BEEN through for nothing. For me NOT to USE it... But I AM exhausted, and NEED to start taking it easier on myself; if I could ONLY get others to follow suit. 

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Well, for someone that's supposed to be on vacation and resting because I'M ill... I have people here and on my phone an awful lot, looking for my 'help'. Haha My life is just NEVER gonna change, IS IT? I'm trying to work on my own 'problems and issues' within myself; get my HEALTH in check, because I even LOOK like the 'Crypt Keeper'… But I'm STILL 'The One' that everybody looks to for 'the answers and solutions' to THEIR problems. Too bad the people that have been 'closest' to me at times in my life, chose not to listen; life could have been completely different for many people. Instead, there are many walking around out there, to this day with deep regret. How do I know? Because they've told me, STILL tell me, and I've heard it through others. There are reasons cliches' are created; because something happened to inspire them. Such as, "You don't know what you've GOT, until it's GONE." Just because you didn't 'see fit' to treat someone deserving of 'proper treatment and respect', accordingly; doesn't mean that others won't, and will DO so... Accordingly. And I'M gonna allow it. 

I've always been my own best counselor; along with you, Mom. And it's because of you, I have the morals, standards and values I do. You RAISED ME; I did NOT 'just grow up'. I learned young that your ACTIONS have CONSEQUENCES; whether good OR bad. It would depend ON your action. It kills me that people JUST DON'T GET IT; what they cause others AND themselves. They CREATE their OWN HELL... Which 'overflows' into the lives of others trying to live DECENT lives, such as myself. Therefore, THEY 'create' HELL for themselves and others, RIGHT here on Earth. Then, they think they 'get away' with it all, because DECENT people aren't vindictive and vengeful; they leave it in the hands of 'KARMA', which will BE their 'Biggest Bitch'. Thing is, they probably don't even REALIZE when 'Karma' hits; because they're just so USED to making BAD choices, screwing up, "Life Sucks" attitude so 'F' it... They're just gonna do whatever they want to do, no matter who it hurts. That's just NOT OK; but it's HOW they live their lives. There are a LOT of people I wouldn't want to be, the day THEY have to face God. THEN see what you 'got away' with. Haha  LIFE is about CHOICES; and we were GIVEN 'freedom of choice'... Because we're EXPECTED to make the RIGHT ones. Guess that's not the case for, unfortunately, the majority of people. No WONDER God's Angry...

So, I've had to try and figure out what it is about ME, that attracts this 'type' of person and man TO me. Gee, let's see... Oh, you need a place to stay because you're homeless right now? Come stay at MY place. I see a person with a drug or alcohol problem; I try to find a way to lead into a conversation to try to help them. Drugs is easier, because I DON'T allow them in the building. Alcohol, depending on the person, can be FAR more delicate an issue, as you know, Mom. Domestic violence issues; how many have I gotten involved in JUST HERE? Never mind over the course of my life; to help someone ELSE, not speaking of my own. Couples counseling... OMG, the LIST goes on. JUST Constantly. Well... I may not have a successful relationship OF my own (yet); but I HAVE been verified and confirmed that I DO and KNOW the RIGHT things TO a successful relationship. In MY life, it is TRULY a fact that the problem has BEEN the men; not me. I HAVE my faults, but I OWN THEM; THAT'S the difference. I can ADMIT if and when I'm wrong about something, AND APOLOGIZE. How often did I GET it? What did they ever accuse me of that was 'legit', and could actually be 'backed up' or proven? Yeah; exactly... I worked AT my relationships; gave them EVERYTHING. Anyone who even TRIES to say otherwise, is a FLAT OUT LIAR. The ONLY things I ASKED for were the following: To GET what I GAVE; and I won't deny, it was a lot... For the 'type' of men I was with. I don't LIE, CHEAT or STEAL; which makes me honest, faithful and trustworthy. I ALWAYS worked, and was even 'the provider' to the majority of the men; I still have my own income on Disability, and will ALWAYS support myself; and, apparently others. Haha But no one can EVER say that THEY have 'supported' ME. I WAS the one that always had the vehicle or vehicles, until as of late. Even THAT isn't 'truly' MY fault, and YOU know it, Mom... SO frustrating. Even unlicensed, I STILL bought AND provided the vehicle that has been used by the family; Ken included for the last almost two years. But anyway... I gave love and WITH love. So, What did I want? To GET what I GAVE... But I didn't. "Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there is no reason to continue." And "Actions speak louder than words. We can apologize over and over; but if our actions don't change, the words become meaningless." AMEN; they most certainly DO. All I should even NEED to say is: I know. I know what goes on while they're with me AND away from me; so denial is absurd. I KNOW.

We apparently 'go through' or 'find' 3 types of loves in our lives; Ken definitely falls under the category of my Second Love – Our Hard Love. This is the love that hurts because of "lies, pain and manipulation". We "keep repeating the cycle, over and over" with the second love; "always hoping for a different end result; yet each time we try, it seems to end worse than before." It's "unhealthy and unbalanced"; possibly even "narcissistic". "Emotional, mental abuse; even physical abuse or manipulation." "High levels of drama". Haha You THINK?!?! "Emotional roller coaster" was used; I laughed. Haha I always referred to our relationship as a 'roller coaster ride' that I wanted off of. But our Third Love is supposed to be the unexpected love... And it's just SO EASY... Being together isn't the 'fight' and 'chore' that it HAS been in the past; it JUST comes 'Easy'. So, I'm waiting for THAT one. Haha Dallas is 'easy' to talk to; and he's awful sweet. He even, I'm gonna say 'joked' about moving into the building to be closer to me. Yeeeeaaaah, but no. He lives close enough. Not in town, but within miles. He's close enough. He wants to meet soon; he says he doesn't care that I don't feel well. I'm hoping I'll feel better ENOUGH by Saturday; I think I could manage to 'spruce' myself up a bit for him to come over for a movie. At least the 'company' I'd be having, shouldn't 'stress' me out, so that I'd need to 'pop a chill pill.' Haha I even had to put THIS down for a few hours because someone came by. Haha I'm sorry; it just NEVER FAILS... 'Murphy'. Haha 

YOU taught me a lot, Mom; I even get some of my sayings from you. One of my favorites of yours I use to this day is, "When you go shopping in a dumpster; expect to bring home garbage." Haha Because I'm NOT sorry, it's SO TRUE. Well, "You're only as good as what you surround yourself with." I'M not trash; no more 'dumpster shoppers' for ME. THEY'RE only as good as what THEY surround themselves with. They choose to actually PAY for trash; you could get it for free, idiots. There are plenty of THOSE, too. "Cellar Dwellars", "Dumpster Shoppers"; whatever you want to call them... I am forever OUT of THEIR LEAGUE; and I don't care what anyone thinks ABOUT that... Because, YEAH... I AM better than ALL of THAT. From here on out, I will LISTEN to my OWN instincts; because, damn it I'm RIGHT, and have regretted it when I DIDN'T. Flags pop; they're GONE... I'm just done. Things will be right; or they won't BE. 

I feel 'empowered', Mom; emotionally, at least. Haha I've REALLY accomplished with myself what I set out to do. I'm FAR from done; but I'm ready for the new lease on life and a NEW beginning. As always, Mom, thank you; THANK YOU for being here with me through it all. You've always been my 'rock'. You and Me against the world, Mom... Nothing's changed, just because you're not physically here. You're still to who and where I turn; no matter what. I can't wait for the day we reunite...

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I finally talked to Mom #2; there apparently were issues with the phones for a couple of days. Dad's doing ok right NOW; so please keep an eye on him. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Well, I just had a NIIIICCCE, long talk with Dallas; he really wants for us to get together this weekend, SOMETIME. He doesn't care when; so, I'm leaning more towards 'Yeah'. I think it's time. It's been over a month; and I've at least been 'working' on myself, and didn't just 'jump' into anything with anyone. Ken not only goes with prostitutes; he got with a so called 'friend', Amy Larocque. I wonder if she knows he does what he does while with her? Oh well... Not my problem anymore; I'm taking my own advice from now on, and raising my OWN price tag. MY life is at least gonna be MORE about 'me'. I'm ready for a 'New Beginning'; the one I've always been 'promised', but never received. I'm putting out 'positive thoughts', and I'm TRYING for 'positive energy'; but I need a little more energy first. Haha More 'positive' people will help, too... Getting 'negative energy' out of your space makes a BIG difference. I got the Sage, and 'cleansed' the bathroom; which is where Ashley began her suicide mission. The air in there is SO much clearer, and 'funky' stuff has stopped happening. I can't wait to do the rest of the apartment. I've had some 'funky' stuff happen lately; even on my phone. I went to log on to Messenger, and the profile pic had SUDDENLY changed to one I hadn't used in a good month. But then when I got INTO Messenger, it was FINE. I've had my Sideline number for TWO YEARS; it NEVER rings. I have it so when there's a number that won't accept MY number because it's blocked; I use that. ALL of a sudden, I'm getting calls on it here and there. I've answered; if someone is there, they stay silent. I've gotten 2 messages; SHORT ones, with just background noise and what sounds like a 'sigh' before they hang up. It rang and rang when I called back. I texted saying, "If you're gonna KEEP calling my SIDELINE number, at least have the balls to say something." For real... Two years, nothing. All of a sudden... So, OK; say whatever it is you need or want to say to me. I'm here; and always listen...

Luke came by today, Aleta... Haha I'm exhausted. Besides everything else I already wrote you about; which took from this morning until late afternoon BECAUSE of all that went on today. Haha Phone calls made and received... God; I PRAY I feel SO MUCH BETTER by this weekend. Haha People really need to leave me alone for the next couple of days; PLEASE.

OK, Mom, that's it for now. I just wanted to share my excitement about Dallas with you; PLEASE help me feel better for the weekend. Watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Wow, to the last couple of days; I have just been SO sick. This has GOT to come to an end. You know when I spend time throughout the DAY, just sleeping... I'M SICK. That's what I've been doing for a good month now; go do my work, then come up and sleep. It's been coming on for quite some time though; I know that. I'm so busy with everyone and everything else, I don't take very good care of myself; because I'm too EXHAUSTED to. Haha But that's gonna change; I'm gonna start looking out for myself more. Thank GOD I have this week off; I go in Saturday, but I just didn't see any need for Sarah to have to come in on the weekend. I THINK I might be just a LITTLE better today; I haven't gotten winded, just to get up and go to the bathroom so far this morning. What a NICE CHANGE!!! I hope it continues. Seriously... EVERY TIME I've had to get up for ANYTHING; it took me a good 15-20 mins to catch my breath, lessen the pain in my chest, and START to feel back to the level of 'crappy' that I've BEEN feeling once I got back to the bed. I've been pumping myself full of the Vitamin D that I have on hand. The Rx isn't covered by my insurance, even though you CAN'T get it over the counter; it's prescription strength. So, I spent an hour and a half on the phone yesterday with my insurance trying to get stuff accomplished; faster. The Cymbalta I finally agreed to take for my pain isn't covered, and needed a pre-auth. In talking with my insurance company, it would STILL be a Tier 4 med; which would cost me $95 for a month's supply. I pushed further... I also have what's called LIS (Limited Income Supplement); it assists with the costs of Rxs for people like me, and is part of my plan. We found a Generic that's covered on Tier 1 of my plan for the Cymbalta, so I don't even NEED the prior-auth; AND with the LIS, even getting an auth for the Vitamin D I need will knock THAT down in cost; even though it falls under Tier 4, to $8 and change. I'm SO glad I used to work in this industry; I know how to talk to these people. Thing is, I really wanted to already HAVE what I needed during this week to recover BEFORE going back to work. But, isn't this JUST so typical of MY life? Haha I'm almost out of the D I had on hand, so I asked Blayze to go to the Dollar store to get me some of that and Iron; I have NO iron on hand, and they didn't have any; of course. Why would I with the issues I have with IBS-C? Haha Iron can make it worse... BUT, I need to do it for now anyway; and I'll look and see what foods I should be eating more of FOR iron. Yeah... I'll probably end up taking iron pills, with as little as I eat. Haha  But anyway... PLEASE help me, Mom. This has been a beyond difficult and miserable month. I'm exhausted...

At least I've managed to keep myself 'busy and entertained' while sitting here though. I must say; I've learned, discovered and 'stumbled on' a lot of things. Some, I already knew about; but MOM... There's a DEEP, DARK, DISGUSTING world out there; even right on Facebook. I knew that people did things like 'sell' themselves, do sex videos, etc. But there's a DEEPER, DARKER world, too; I always knew people had multiple profiles for 'reasons'. Even aside from Facebook, there are ALL kinds of sites; even for MARRIED people to 'meet' JUST for sex. I knew about those, and they disgust me... There are phone apps BESIDES the internet. 'Free No Registration or Credit Card' Chat Rooms and Dating sites... Just amazing. So... I got curious about ONE I found; and I've been talking to this guy named, ready? DALLAS. HOW AWESOME is THAT name?!?! And HE'S just as gorgeous. Name SOUNDS like he could be a 'Chippendale' or something... Well, he LOOKS it, too. Definite 'Cowboy'; and you KNOW, I LOVE me a Cowboy... Haha Just SO SEXY; and he IS. And as you know, I definitely know it's HIM, because we've video chatted. He's disappointed with me right now, because I won't; but I was honest with him about being really ill, and right now I look like the Crypt Keeper. Haha  He actually said he wanted to come take care of me... How SWEET was that?? But no... Not that I would mind having HIS 'boots under my bed', so to speak. BUT... Once a man gets in my 'home', it's hard to get him OUT. Haha Also, THIS is not how I want him to see me. If we decide to meet; I want to be well and look HOT. He's 40; I'm 50... He said he THOUGHT I was between 30-35; he doesn't care that I'm 50. Good. Haha Who knows, Mom; maybe HE'S my Emperor... My 'Ultimate Love'. I guess time will tell; because right now... I'm just trying to 'occupy time'. He 'occupies' it nicely. Haha But he IS sweet, besides absolutely gorgeous... Maybe? We'll see...

Well, I guess that's it for now, Mom. I'm gonna rest and watch some TV. Please keep watching over Dad; I still don't know how he's doing. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Well, it's Saturday. Monday, I get to start my first vacation in YEARS; if you can really call it that. Haha But, hey; I don’t HAVE to go into the office... So, it's a 'vacation'. Haha Blayze said to me last night, "Yeah, and Mom; make SURE that you DO just STAY here and REST. DON’T go to the office; I KNOW you." And he laughed... Haha I laughed too, because I know me; and I even SAID, I'll be 'bee-bopping' in and out, just to say "HI!" Haha I have a HARD time just sitting still; I always have. I know that's one of the reasons I used to draw; other than I was actually pretty good at it. Blayze got it somewhere. Haha I couldn't draw a straight line to save my LIFE, NOW. So sad... I've lost SO much ability. I used to play Alto and Tenor Saxophones, keyboards, guitar, draw, weight lift, type OVER 70 WPM (words per min); the list goes on of abilities I've lost. But, life goes on... At least I can still function at the capacity I DO. Had I not worked out my entire life, this would not be the case. So, VACATION it IS, and REST (to the best of my ability) it will BE. Haha No, I will; I have no choice. But I guarantee, I'll be doing stuff TOO. I think I AM gonna go to the cookout today. It should be relaxing enough; and when I need to come home, I can get a ride, no problem. It would be nice to get out and be around people that are NOT the people from HERE. Haha I JUST need some change... 

So, we had a 'Counseling Session' with my cards this morning. This was how 'the story' went; however, I will be leaving certain details out. I'm giving 'The Reader's Digest' version. But there are also other things that need to be 'self discovery'... 'He' seems to want to BECOME The Emperor; he's discontent in his current life and surroundings. Again, even he's aware of what needs to occur; he's been on 'an emotional journey' throughout this time... Experiencing a multitude of emotions; not knowing which ones to trust, yet always feeling 'Regret'… Because he's the 'Non-Committal King' that ALSO has a 'sad love history'; and more than likely, issues NOW occur because of things that even happened throughout his childhood. These actually cause him to 'act childish', even now. Which leads to... In order for any 'Moral Choice' he makes to be successful, he needs 'higher help' with those, and other issues. Otherwise, even though the 'Moral Choice' is DESIRED; the same issues could occur, because the help needed wasn't sought in time. The 'Moral Choice' is ALSO within; it's emotional, the choices he makes, period. This is a 'MORAL CHOICE'. In order to make the COMPLETE change from the Non-Committal King of Wands to The Emperor, being 'The Husbandly/Fatherly' figure card; it says he needs to be ready to 'live with the barest of necessities.' There's also a part about that in doing so, the people and things he gives up are NO longer of any importance to him. The reason why? He obtained 'Ultimate Love and Happiness' with the Empress; but again, EFFORT is involved. CHOICES... Or she's gone; she's there with her sword.

Choices; that's what LIFE is ALL about. You either make the RIGHT ones, and you're life turns out OK; or you DON'T, and you continue to lose, trip and fall throughout the paths you choose. You GET what you GIVE; and the same goes for life... You get OUT of life, what you put INTO it. You go 'shopping in a dumpster; you're gonna bring home TRASH'. I KNOW, THAT'S not what I want... I KNOW, THAT'S not who I AM. So I EXPECT to get what I give; especially from someone that SAYS that they "love and want to marry" me. I'm just NEVER going down the same road EVER again; with anyone.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now; Blayze is here, and I should get ready to go to the office, so I can get ready for the cookout. Watch over Mom and Dad for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Well, as you know, I wasn't well enough to go to the cookout today; so, I stayed home to rest. I worked in the office until 1:30 or so this afternoon, and THAT exhausted me. I can-NOT WAIT to feel BETTER... My test results showed that my vitamin D level is EXTREMELY low; I need to take 50,000 IU's. That's extreme. My iron is low, too. Both are what's contributing to my fatigue and weakness. So, I'm SO happy that I have this coming week off; I'm really gonna need it to rest, and work on getting my levels back up. Take care of 'me' for a change... 

I tried calling Mom from sometime this morning, until late this afternoon to check on Dad. I even went as far as to attempt to contact Ken on Facebook; but he's in one of his 'childish' moods again. I'm blocked, I'm unblocked; I'm blocked, I'm unblocked; then I'm blocked again... At least from a few of his sites. I know sometimes when he unblocks me; he'll show up as a 'friend suggestion'. Anyway... You know what? Whatever; I'm too OLD and DON'T have time for games. He's the 'game player'; not me. I'm the one that sits home; ALONE. That's why I'm in the cards holding the sword; because of everything I've already experienced... I want something REAL; something I can BELIEVE IN and TRUST. 3-½ years of such actions... What am I to believe? And ALL I want is to see how Dad is... And how many times, like so many OTHER things, was I told that "It doesn't matter if we're together or NOT; you can ALWAYS contact me. Always, forever and a day." Yeah, yeah, yeah; blah, blah, blah. Where are You? What's your number now? Is it the same? I wouldn't know, because you never answered the text I sent you about the program and 'forgiveness'. Oh, and you block me on Facebook. You treated me like I was some sort of creep; not someone you even ONCE loved. Yet EVERY TIME you've EVER contacted me for ANYTHING; I accepted and welcomed you. You even eventually won me back, which WAS your goal to begin with; despite anything you said. I have to ask myself, Why? WHY WOULD I even want to subject myself to any of this treatment??? THIS is NOT love... None of what is done, said, shown... None of it expels or eludes 'love'. Hence, The Queen of Swords; she wants and needs... More. Especially more than what she's had; and THAT'S what she's 'fighting' for. TRUTH, HONESTY and FIDELITY. 

So, I pray that Dad is OK. EVERY TIME I do the cards, either a nine AND ten show with the Death card; OR TWO Tens... THAT'S just too unsettling for me; it's EVERY TIME. It's close, and I need to get to him. Not knowing how he IS right now; not having been able to get THROUGH... Only getting a busy signal... I NEED to talk to Mom. PLEASE watch over him, Mom; hug him for me. :'(

OK, I guess that's it for now. I'm just gonna relax with some SVU and some cards. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. I figured I'd spend a few minutes with you before I get ready for work. As you know, we just did a 'throw out' reading... Nines and Tens keep showing up with The Death card; today, 2 Tens. One happened to be the 10 of Swords. I gotta get over and see Dad. Otherwise, it was full of 'moral choices' in order to obtain 'ultimate love and happiness' with the Empress; there are things that 'need to come to an end'. Again though; it's ALL 'Moral' choices in order to obtain life, love and happiness with the Empress. She's got her 'sword' saying "No More"; this is what you WANT... The rest has GOT to GO. So... I guess I'm just gonna have these issues no matter what. Are they referring to Ken? It just appears that it's SOMEONE I have 'history' with. Did and do I 'want' it to be Ken? Of course there's a big part of me; HE'S who I'm in love with and wanted a life with. But I don't want the prostitutes and the other women; I NEED TRUST, HONESTY and FIDELITY... Or just forget it. I was ALSO just reading to see WHAT was going on in MY life; what to expect. Can I, just ONCE see 'HAPPINESS', without all the complications along the way? Hahahahaha  Because the bottom line; if it IS Ken... I don't know as though he WILL make 'the Moral Choice' to be with JUST ME; give up prostitutes and other women in order to have 'ultimate love and happiness' with JUST me. Maybe he finds that boring. Personally, I find that MORE exciting and happy; KNOWING who and what you have AT home... To hug, kiss, hold. I LIKE that 'familiarity'; that comfort. I never DID or COULD be with JUST anyone; that hasn't changed. If anything, the feelings about it are even stronger; MORE powerful. But I know one thing... I won't be going through anymore of what I already have. I WILL just live life, dating a 'buffet of men' if I can't get what I DESERVE. Life is about choices... Decide what you WANT, and go AFTER it. But once you have it, treat it with RESPECT; or someone else will.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom #2 and Dad #2. I'm going to a HUGE cookout tomorrow if I'm up to it; but I'd like to get over to see them real soon. Please watch over them for me... I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. As usual, my mind has been rolling around with massive thoughts all day. Throughout this time period, BECAUSE of everything I've been TOLD, READ and WATCHED; never mind what I already knew on my own... I've been writing and trying to work out my feelings and emotions; about just everything. For multiple reasons, but a great deal out of boredom; I do the cards a lot. I've done things that were 'advised' to do; I'm writing about things that I want and desire. I'm doing my best to stay positive, no matter what. But in THIS one... Some of what I write has to be pure emotion, and exactly what I THINK at times; and FEEL. Not that what I've written ISN'T; because it ALL IS... I just have OTHER thoughts, too; that by the time I've made it here, there's so much more to talk about, I forget THOSE thoughts. Before I take the cards out again, I want to talk about 'those' thoughts...

In the cards, it LOOKS as though The Emperor is someone I have history with; let's just SAY that it's Ken. The story line is more fitting with him anyway. Chris is an ex; JD is an ex... But neither of them have the 'bad habits' that Ken does. Neither of them put me THROUGH what Ken did. It doesn't fit THEM. I've tried making it fit; it just doesn't. Any of it. The cards clearly show that he's been 'actively' seeking out these 'bad habits'; but is not 'content' in his life because he is not with whom he loves in his 'happy place'. But AGAIN... It's a 'MORAL CHOICE' of giving UP the 'bad habits' and his 'way of life' in ORDER to obtain his 'Ultimate Love' The Empress, and 'true happiness' IN his 'happy place'. If he DOESN'T make those, so called 'sacrifices'; he'll lose HER. She's there WITH her sword... It's a 'MORAL Choice'; WILL he BECOME The Emperor? Or will he remain The Knight of Wands; the Non-Committal King?

You know what this makes me think about though, Mom? Ken would've 'liked' and 'loved' me better IF I was a whore, prostitute, junkie and/or piece of trash. That's what he 'flocks' to, sadly enough. Think about it... There was Megan; he spent HUNDREDS of dollars on her; was prepared to MOVE her to VT WITH him to live; and SHE was JUST a 'junkie prostitute', using him for his money. He'll actually do whatever he has to do... Work; whatever... To HAVE the money to get 'serviced' from them. What do THEY want from HIM? His MONEY; nothing else. NOT love and affection; not even the sex. It's 'mechanical' to them; they're doing it for their NEXT fix. NOT because they 'love' him; think he's 'hot', or ANYTHING 'special' to them. He's JUST their NEXT fix. But hey... If HE'S alright with meaning ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to someone HE'S having sex with; why should I care? Except when he comes back to me. How does he think it makes me feel; KNOWING that he's done what he's done, whenever he's away from me? How would he feel, thinking and picturing ME having sex with other men all the time? How fortunate for anyone involved with me, that I'm not a whore. How does he think it makes me feel that he's so willing to go out of his WAY for them; make and spend money... But NOT for ME; supposedly the 'love of his life'? It just sheds a whole other light on the 'reality' of it all... The 'relationship' I had and with who. But God help me, I loved him. But "Birds of a feather, flock together"; AND, "You're only as good as what you surround yourself with." He actually LIKES and CHOOSES 'trash' over ME all the time; so what does that say? That I don't expect a 'moral choice' to be made in my favor. He'd have a lot of changing to do, and it's been almost 4 years... What I'd 'like', 'want', 'hope for'… Always seems to be in someone else's hands. When will it be in mine? I guess that's why we're called 'dreamers'. Haha

OK, I guess that's enough 'Raw Thought' for now. I'll do the cards and see what THEY have to tell me. Haha Watch over Mom and Dad... I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. I actually have quite a bit to tell you today, so I'm glad I'm home for the day; AND waited until later in the day to write. THAT just happened because of how I slept. Haha But, it all worked out. I'll start off with GOOD news... Sarah and I had a little meeting this morning to talk about 'stuff'; I went down early just to do so. I have next week off, Mon – Fri, which is ALL I asked for. I even told her I'm NOT going anywhere; I'll be here in the building if she needs anything. I'll probably be going SO 'stir crazy', I'll be 'bee-bopping' in and out of the office ANYWAY; just to say 'HI'. Haha  There's no way I'll be up here for 5 days STRAIGHT. Haha But I'll give it my best shot... My first vacation in 3 years, and it's to REST; not PLAY. Haha Not fair... But since when WAS my life? Oh well, C'est Lavie. I need what I need, and she gave it to me; NO problem. We talked about other stuff, too... I know I've said it before, but I really DO, just love and adore her; and I love our relationship. It's gotten even better since she's around more. She probably thought I'd hate it; but I don't mind at all. It shows her what I do, who I really am; AND we got to know each other even better. I'm SO grateful and blessed... 

Luke came by today; I haven't seen him in a while. He's invited me places that I can't GO... Haha But it was nice to see him. He's the same; talks the same, and acts the same. He's just the same. Haha

Got a call from Mom #2 today; NOT good. I said before that I feel Dad doesn't have much longer; after what Mom said today, that's a definite. I've GOT to get over there to see them... I need to see Dad at least once before he passes. Needless to say, Mom is beside herself. Their 49th wedding anniversary is coming up in August; I don't think... Please help keep him comfortable, Mom; and comfort the family. THIS isn't gonna be easy... I hope it doesn't cause any fighting or chaos within the family. I hope that meant something else, what I saw in the cards. Anyway... Please just be with everyone; comfort them, and help get them through this VERY difficult time. I'll do the best that I can, from where I am. I'll always be here for them... I love them.

The cards... I have them right next to me again; they tell quite the story... Kings and Queens are, once again paired; The Emperor and The Empress are at the VERY end. A lot occurs before The Emperor and Empress can be together. The King and Queen of Wands are together; but that ends. The King of Wands is 'the unavailable King; non-committal'. He has to 'tie up loose ends' with the Queen of Wands before he can BECOME The Emperor, and obtain his Empress. The Queen of Wands feels betrayed, unloved, etc... Because she 'put a lot of work' into The King of Wands, and tried to give him happiness. But she comes to 'know the truth' of the situation, and will be 'released from her own prison'. Then it moves on from there, as to The Emperor obtaining his Empress. Very interesting. I really just don't... You know what, Mom? THINGS in my life need to change; and everything is KNOWN as to what is needed to VERY SIMPLY, make ME happy: TRUTH & HONESTY, FAITHFULNESS, Respect, Dependability, etc... Along with ALL the 'affections' that SHOULD come with 'Love'. I just wanna GET what I GIVE. I DESERVE that. If I can't trust them; then THEY don't deserve ME. I just know that all I want is to be happy and content; I'm not asking for much. Someday, move away from here; start a new life... Maybe, some WHOLE other state. I can dream... Haha

OK, Mom... I guess that’s it for now. PLEASE watch over everybody; keep them comfortable and amicable. PLEASE keep Dad as comfortable as possible... I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. We just did one of the random 'whatever falls, we read' readings; they're still very accurate. Granted, it CAN get confusing at times; but you have to be really 'in tune' to be able to read that way to begin with. Anyway... I don't know, Mom; who-EVER this 'Emperor' is supposed to be... They have current 'bad habits'; The Devil card with the other card that usually shows for that, The Queen of Cups. It was the other cards around it that made me feel 'creepy'; and you always said to "go with your FEELINGS, more than anything". Do I really need that in my life, again? A man to hurt and destroy me because of all that, AGAIN??? I'm not willing... So, whoever he is, just KEEP him AWAY. I've got options; and I've got dreams of my own I'd like to fulfill... SOMEDAY.

I want something REAL, Mom; not someone telling me what they THINK I want to hear. I want someone to do for me because they want to; and be with me because they can't imagine life with ANYONE ELSE. If I can't have THAT; then I'll stick with a 'buffet of men' for the rest of my life and NO feelings. I'll only 'settle' so far. Just like everyone, I want what I want; I actually deserve it, too. I have to say 'Enough is enough'; NO more hurt for me... No more heartache. I need someone to see me FOR me; and love me for JUST that. And ONLY me... Always, Forever and a Day. IF I'm 'allowed' to have it; but as for the rest, no more.

OK, Mom, it's late and I should try to get some sleep. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. What a day; but I at least feel just an inkling improved. I know it's not much, but it's a start. The phlegm has cut down, thank God. I still get quite winded with any activity; but I'll get stronger now as days go by, as long as I keep getting rest. I've been thinking about asking Sarah if it might be possible, that even though I won't be leaving the building; perhaps I could get a 'vacation', so that I could just rest. If she needs me for anything, I'll be here; but I DO keep getting told the SAME things, over and over. I've worked 3 straight years; basically 7 days per week. If she could give me, say just Mon-Fri; then I'll take back over on the weekend, so she doesn't have to come in. I'll think some more about it; Cameron is sick right now because Tyson is away. Poor little guy... Separation Anxiety; he should outgrow it though. 

Well, Chad had a change of attitude today. I did more of my working behind the scenes with people I knew would get the message through. Haha After leaving Rm #223 and me alone ALL day, he texted me within a couple hours; then he was in my apartment with his tail between his legs. He couldn't have been more accommodating and nicer; which is HOW it's supposed to BE to begin with. I don't need attitude or a hard time; I need someone I can count on and depend on. I hope this sticks for a while...

Well, Mom; I'm just really tired tonight, so I think I'll call it a day. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3