I put up my first artificial Christmas tree for the first time in I don't know how many years, oh don't get me wrong I always had my tiny 3 and 4 foot rustic Christmas trees out and my house decorated like Christmas should be, but this year I decided to get a six and a half foot artificial tree and was hoping to have my grandsons come decorate it with me and put a special Angel topper on the top of it in memory of their sister but family situations have not allowed this to happen. I want them to know that I am faced with decisions that I can't control. I can't make two parents of my grandchildren understand that life is short and you don't treat  your childrens ONLY biological grandparent who has been in their life like dirt. I created this website out or pure love for my grand daughter  and I will never have the privelage of knowing her. She is forever in my thoughts and forever in my heart as are my two living grandsons. Life is full of its challenges and decisions are made but once your heart has been broken in a million pieces it is hard to think of the long time it will take if ever for the repairs to it. I may someday try to forgive the hatefulness showed towards me but I will never forget. I will just pray for inner peace. Please know Jayden and Delvese and Tangela I love you.  Granny

Today was hopefully the last of many surgeries that my daughter has endured since the passing of my beloved grand daughter. I can't tell you of the pride I have for her after all of the pain and suffering she has gone through. If only she were my little girl again and I could wipe away all of the tears, all of her fears, and make her think this was all a terrible dream. But the reality of this is that she is a grown woman now with two loving boys that need her and a husband who stands beside her and I am sure he deals with his own pain. Although I don't want to wish the years ahead away, I have to be honest and hope that today was the beginning of a peaceful existence for all of them. I have a sense of peace in my heart today and I know my little angel in heaven was with my daughter in heart and spirit today. I pray that Gods love puts a big hug around each of their hearts and that they know that he loves each and every one of them.  Sandy LaDage aka Mom or Granny

Today I received some disturbing news regarding the validation of what happened to my baby grandaughter. Will someone please validate that she had a right to life? Just as she was conceived in love she left this world with all the love that was possible, yet I don't feel her passing was important enough to some of those in the medical field. I spent thirteen years working side by side with physicians, patients, the patients families standing beside them when they received some bad news, feeling a great deal of empathy for what was ahead of them. Was i just in a cloud of believing that the medical profession was a gift of educated physicians and staff that ACTUALLY TOOK AN OATH to provide the BEST  medical care that was possible? I understand the brotherhood of physicians, but when errors were documented, tests were neglected when needed, and a human life was lost - where is the accountability for the errors made?  Please tell me that a life wasn't lost because "they were short staffed" or the physician was on vacation,  or the physician doesn't work weekends!  These were some of the things we were told leading up to the death of my only grand daughter. Am I bitter? Resentful of their attitudes? YOU BET I AM I hope these physicians sleep well at night knowing that some families will never be the same because they chose not to believe their patients and their symptoms. A little human being was fighting for her life, her mothers life in danger as well and i am suppose to let them just sweep it under the rug? Maybe I don't have the power  to hold these physicians accountable, but i do believe the good lord will punish them in his own way for not fighting for the weak and defenseless. I will always fight for the right of my grandaughters life and would gladly have given up my own life to have spared hers but God wanted her with him so until i can see her again in heaven i want everyone here on earth to know i am fighting for her having the right to life and always will until i leave this earth. Tangelas loving Granny.
 

Sometimes I sit and reflect on my childhood and realize how lucky I have been to have had two loving parents. I was raised with no particular church orientation, and only remember my parents attending the Easter service at a local cemetary every year. It was important to my mom and dad however, that my sister and I attend Sunday School at a local church every Sunday. Why didn't they go? I never understood that, but I know they both believe in God in their own way. Guess it is true that "The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree" because after I grew up I didn't faithfully attend church with my daughter either, but I DO bellieve in the power of prayer.
 in Sunday school we learned about the ten commandments one of them being "Honor thy Mother and thy Father". This is one commandment that I have definitely held dear to my heart and have made it my "moral compass".  It saddens me that some family members don't seem to care about this passage in the bible. We only have one mother and father in this world, and even though there are disagreements, 
 hurt, and bad words spoken we MUST remember to honor and respect our elders. That is the way God wants it to be. I have been accused of having a part of my beautiful grandaughters passing,  please understand  the terrible heart ache that has given me. I know this is not true, but Satan has worked his magic on a certain family member and I pray that I can forgive. Maybe someday that statement will fade in my memory I certainly hope so. It has really made me think that perhaps the meaning of Family as I knew it, no longer exists. I will be thankful for the good things in life and distance myself from the evil. God Bless - Sandy

Recently we had an interesting incident regarding the grieving process, how long some people think it should or shouldn't take and how we decide to mourn. I ask that none of you who read this pass judgement on this process. It is different for each and everyone of us, so please allow us to mourn in our own way and respect how we decide to do this.
 Grief is an exhausting emotion .It takes its toal on us emotionally, spritually and physically. Some people deal with it in an orderly fashion, others it seems  the grief will never end. I believe in the power of prayer to help me through it and ask the good lord to help my daughter, son in law and grandsons get through it the best they can. i also ask for my baby grandaughter to give them strength when they become weary. We will NEVER FORGET Tangela and she will be forever missed in our hearts. Please show us your love and friendship by understanding we are all grieving differently and respect our processes of doing so. It is a work in progress.
 Thank you -Sandy LaDage 

 Sometimes I reflect on all of the anger, hatred, and ill wishes that others have upon each other. Is it really worth the energy that is used to do this I wonder? Are there any of us who are so rightous that we can't recognize our weaknesses? I feel that to live in harmony on this earth, we must be able to forgive one another. I am not saying this is an easy task, but don't you feel better after you have resolved an issue that has hurt you ever so deeply?  Anger is a disease like cancer but the one positive thing is we CAN CURE  the anger. We are all in this life together for however long we have here and I am asking that you step back, take a breath, think of what it is like in the other persons shoes and reach out. Do something nice for someone. Open a car door for an elderly person, say THANK YOU to someone, Say I am sorry. Three words that mean so much too everyone!  Please think about these things my darling grandsons, daughter,and son in law.I don't claim to know everything, but if we could all live in harmony and remember the Golden Rule- "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" it would make me and our precious Angel in heaven so proud! xo Granny

  Today would have been my grandaughters 6 month milestone. I have shed several tears wishing she were here on so many levels. If she were here would things be easier for Michelle?  I would like to think that all of her exhaustion she has running after the boys would have been made easier if you were here. I then realize that she would be even more exhaused taking care of  you but  I take peace in knowing she would have found the task " bearable" because she would have the complete package 2 sons and a daughter. No matter how difficult things get, when you are a mother you find a way. Just as I know she is finding a way to take care of her family now.  Ed had foot surgery last Friday only to add to this poor families peril.How much more God can they possibly handle? Forgive me for questioning your plan, but I don't understand. I need for you to guide them, support them, and love all of them. I can't seem to find the words to comfort them and I struggle with that.  My precious grand baby is in your loving arms and I know that.  I can't wait to see her again and hold her as i did that sorrowful day six months ago today.  Please Tangela know that you are so loved and deeply missed. Every time i see a new little baby girl i think of how lucky that family is. The only small, tiny way i can deal with all of this is to know you  are not sruggling anymore and are laying in Gods loving arms on a cloud somewhere. When I sit on my deck I look to the sky and find the prettiest, fluffiest looking cloud and hope you can see me. I love you Tangela with every breath in me. Watch over Mommy, send love to daddy to help him heal from his surgery and chew your brothers out for giving Mommy such a hard time. Love always Granny

Today was another surgery for Michelle. I want to thank Dr. Whittle not only for being a Great doctor, but my friend. I actually felt a sense of peace today.  I now hope that she is on the road to recovery and peace, or at least as much peace as she can have. The struggles have been many, the pain for her uncontrollable, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, how do I know? because I felt the presence of Tangela in the Gift Shop at the hospital, right after Dr. Whittle spoke with me. She let me know that "everything is ok, Granny."  perhaps some people think I am "off my rocker" and that this has affected me in a horrible way but I choose to forgive them for their ignorance, because only God, Tangela,and I know the bond that we have been given. I am so blessed. All my love to Michelle, Ed, Jayden and Delvese.
 Love, Mom AKA Granny 

Happy Mothers Day Mom, Susie, Michelle Nicki ( originally written May 12 not posted till the 16th)
. I think we are all blessed to have what we have in life. Let us all remember that as mothers we are bonded in a great circle of life. Today is our special day and I hope  each of you had a wonderful day. I know mom is watching and smiling at us. She would be very proud of both of you Nicki and Michelle for the wonderful mothers you have become. She would be proud of you too Susie for the strength that you have in these trying times you are going through helping with Nolan. Please know that Nolan is in gods care and he is orchestrating how his growth and development is going. Our prayers are with all of you. I am convinced Mom is his guardian angel as well as baby Tangelas.  Love to all of you. Sandy

A niece is the extra daughter you didn't give birth to-  the little girl who snuggles in your lap- makes you laugh with her antics- has you worried with her little silver teeth that her smile will not be as beautiful as you want and then has the best smile anywhere. The young girl that comes to you to share her thoughts- struggles with her choices, is rebellous with her mom but who shares her heartfelt thoughts and asks for your advice. The young mother who you know loves her husband and you watch love her sons with all her heart. The niece who plans for the birth of a daughter who you are so happy for and who you grieve with when your hearts are broken when God.takes her little angel, my little great niece. Michelle, I wish I could take some of your hurt away- I would do anything to do that if I could.
Tangela,my one and only lovely great niece- I did so want to watch you keep your brothers in line and twist your mommy, daddy and grandma around your little finger.--AND guess what you did that regardless!  Yes beautiful girl with just a moment here on earth you captured our hearts and are with us constantly.  You touched us all with your beautiful dark hair and flawless skin. You are a beauty and I look forward to the day I get to meet you. Now be a good girl for Aunt Sue and guide your mommy to a Mothers Day that has more laughs than tears. I love you both- my fabulously special nieces.
Aunt Sue

When I was trying to figure out how I could possibly make this mothers day bearable for Michelle I realized that the best gift of all is the gift of love. It costs nothing, you can't really touch it (other than in your heart) and yet it is the most meaningful of gifts. This afternoon she came over and I let her know about this website. It is the only thing I could think of to let her know that I will forever remember Tangela.
 I remember a  very special Mothers Day when my dad brought over a yellow rose bush for me to plant at my house on Day Street in Galesburg. We also planted a lilac  bush. My Dad is a very quiet man and this was the first Mothers Day after my moms passing.  I always felt  that he did that for me and that was" "his gift of love to me" to help me through my first Mothers day without mom. I would like to think that it was a healing for him as well. Sometimes the simplest things in life become the most important. Happy Mothers Day Michelle. Love, Mom

Today mommy is going to grief counseling and to Dr. Whittle to get a consultation on a possible upcoming surgery. Please let her feel your presence Tangela she is in alot of physical pain today. I know she has several break down moments and is always thinking of you. Your brothers are keeping her busy.Jayden has his last day of pre school on the 23rd. Delvese is talking more and keeping her running throughout the day. I am sure with it being Spring she is thinking of opportunities lost without you here in the physical world. One thing I want you to know is that even though we know you are not here in the physical world we know you are watching over all of us. When the sun comes out and is shining brightly I feel as though it is you smiling down on us. Oh how we take life for granted. Please be with mommy and give her strength. I miss you every day. Love, Granny 

Last Wednesday April 24th michelle went thru lithotryspsy with a stent placement and came through successfully. Thank you for all the prayers  from my dear friends
 I do believe in the power of prayer. God bless all of you for your support.  I know Tangela was with her mommy and that my mother was with her as well. when she was in surgery.We don't know what lifes journey will have in store for Michelle. She is very strong and coping as well as can be expected. again, THANK YOU to everyone!    xoxox Sandy

I am somewhat emotional today.Tomorrow Michelle is facing the first of 2 more surgeries. It seems like a never ending saga of pain and suffering and a constant reminder that her daughter is no longer here. It is an awful feeling as a mother to know that you can never remove her emotional distress of this situation. All I can do is listen and offer what I hope to be  comforting words. Today is also my mothers birthday. She would have been 86 today. I was only 33 years old when she passed. Michelle at that time was only 5. To think that I was only 5 years older than my daughter is now when I lost my mom. I promised her on our last talk in the hospital that I would take care of Michelle and that I would do something in the medical field. (I hadn't decided what that was yet at that time). I finished Midstate College with an  A.A.S. in Medical Assisting in 1995. That was one thing i accomplished towards those promises. The other one- taking care of Michelle I am still and will forever be working on until my death. I only hope she knows and is watching over us to see what a beautiful young woman Michelle has become. I often wonder what words of wisdom my mom would give us at this most difficult time. I know that  Tangela and my mom  will be watching over Michelle and her surgery tomorrow. Tangela again I ask you to let your mommy feel your presence. I know you will. Love Granny xoxo 

Mommy had to go for a CT yesterday so I watched your two brothers. She had to go for grief counseling as well. Even though I know she is receiving some comfort from the meetings, it takes alot out of her emotionally. We had a terrible rain storm so I spent the night on the couch. After your brothers went to bed your mommy and I shared some wonderful "mother- daughter " time that I will forever cherish. We had such an emotional roller coaster. One moment we were crying and supporting each other and the next we were laughing about "cripppled creatures". I know you were with us. I am healing by making some beaded jewelry and was searching for  something to help memorialize you Tangela, when it came to me, I would like to get a website up featuring my beads and name it Dazzle Your Digits. This website and hobby are inspired by you tangela. They are sparklly and pretty just like I am sure you are in Gods heavenly arms. Your mom and I created a wonderful memory as we stayed up into the wee hours comforting each other in the only way we knew how. xoxo Granny

I just received a phone call from Michelle (Tangelas Mom). It seems that she will be needing more surgery from complications with her daughters unfortunate demise. I lit a candle in memory of my beautiful grandaughter and asked her to please give mommy some sort of comfort during this difficult time. I take comfort in knowing that this will happen. I know that Tangela is with us in spirit and is there to comfort us when we are weary. When I start to question why all of this is happening and what will the future bring I am reminded that everything  we may think we are in control of  is really not in our control at all. Only God knows our lifes path. It speaks to my daughters strength that never once has she said to me " Why?"   She has accepted all of this with unmeasurable dignity and love that only a mother can have for a child. She will always be Tangelas loving mother. Just as she will always be my  loving daughter a bond that can NEVER be broken. All my love to BOTH of you. Love and kisses -Mom and Granny

Yesterday I had the pleasure of watching my two grandsons while their Mom and Dad attended a grief counseling session. Please help them Tangela and help them to heal their hearts. I watched as your two brothers played and man were they full of energy! As Jayden kept asking "where is momy and daddy" I answered him by telling him they were gone to a meeting.  When looking up on the fireplace mantel I noticed your picture was gone. I later asked Michelle where your picture was and she said they were asked to take a picture of you to the grief counseling meeting. There is a beautiful memorial to you on the fireplace including your angel urn, and beautiful gerbera daisies that your Mom and Dad faithfully put next to you every 17th of the month. When they returned home I noticed Michelle had put Tangelas picture back on the mantel. Jayden was sitting with me on the couch as we had a terrible storm with lighteneng and thunder ( of which I told him God was bowling to ease his fears) when all of a sudden after watching his mom put the picture back on the mantel, Jayden lovingly said to his mom " thank you mommy for my sister",  It touched my heart in the deepest way to know that he appreciated his sister even at the age of three years old. These memories are priceless.

When I heard I was going to be blessed with a grandaughter I was thrilled with expectations of doing "girly" things like painting fingernails, baking cookies, shopping for "frilly" dresses and offering advice for dealing with her two brothers when they were teasing her. Little did I know that God had other plans and wanted her with him. Tangela was blessed with the strength of her mother and the gentleness of her father and leaves behind two brothers. I know in my heart she will forever be watching over them, guiding them when they are weary, and reminding them to always appreciate and love each other. In honor of your short life Tangela I am dedicating this memorial to you.Just as you fought for life, I will forever fight for your everlasting memory. God has received another Angel. All my love and kisses, Granny