I feel as though I could write a book regarding my mother’s life so I will do my best to make this brief.
   All my life I kept wishing to grow older so I could finally move out and do my own thing. But now I wish I could just turn back the clock to be a child to laugh to have fun have my bothers together to have my world complete my world has been shattered for a long time after losing Anthony I slowly learned to hide the pain and cope the best way I knew how. My mom did the same but the pain the emptiness consumed her. I wish I could take back every pain and worry that I ever gave her. I wish that I could just undo, all the moments that made times harder. There are really no words to describe my closeness with my mother. I know this because the slow, agonizing decline of her health forces even the most optimistic and hopeful to think about the worst may be soon, I had a fear for a while that she was soon to be ready because my mom’s carried a lot of pain after losing my brother. But the true reality is no matter how much I feared the inevitable you’re never prepared for it. I never wanted to get that phone call I think as my mom always taught me to follow my gut well after that phone call I had an over whelming gut feeling I hoped just once that feeling was wrong. Finding my mom in just condition will be an image that will probably never fade. Now there are only feelings, indescribable feelings. Feelings that make my heart ache so badly. She was everything. She is my mother, if I had to conjure up one life lesson that she would want me to carry for the rest of my life, it is this: Seek advice but follow my gut feelings, but always trust myself. She believed in me, and she believed that I always knew what was best. Having my mom in my presence taught me to live life in the moment without waiting for tomorrow. But after her death, her absence has taught me to live life like there is no tomorrow.

And no matter what anyone says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken. Sometimes reality is hard to accept. The hard reality that I can’t pick up the phone and call you is so unbarring right now. I never wanted to lose my mom the pain and Reality is a reality that I never thought would occur.

But I have to push myself somehow to except that Days go, nights come. You’re no longer here, and that’s ok. You fought, you battled, and you used all your strength and you showed me the way. I just wish you were strong enough to follow me but I never want to imagine the pain you had to carry losing a child.  I’ll see you again someday give Anthony my love. I will make sure your grand babies know how much you love them watch over us until our time comes. :(

 

Poem for my Mom "Last Flight"

A face that is always on my mind,

A smile I have seen a million times,

Two eyes that would light up the sky at night,

One last battle you could not fight,

The day was long, then night then morn.

I knew that soon you would be gone,

I clasped your hand so warm in mine,

Soon we would be out of time,

To stay with us you fought so hard,

A million pieces went my heart,

Now a photo I look at to see your smile,

I keep your number on my speed dial,

I wish I could call and hear your voice,

But great memories life lessons and strong values

I will always keep with me,

Your love in my heart for eternity,

I never got to say goodbye,

To understand why, I can but try,

Waiting in heaven from this moment on,

'Till God asks you to bring me home....

Xxx~Ooo