Well today is your birthday, you would be 59 years old. I wish you were here so we could talk and more than likely also cry about turning 60 years next year lol. I miss you so much. I love you so much.

Even though both Tim and I knew he was dieing we still made plans for the future.  We were already making plans to move back to Texas but we had problems because Tim was getting his cemo in LA, he was on a test drug and the test was being run in La and not TX but we were working with my Oncologist in Austin to see if he could give Tim the drug and we had finally got the OK for him to get the drug in Temple TX a town north of Austin.  We also were planning on going to Maryland because they had a different way of treating small cell lung cancer that Tim really wanted to look into but time was against us we ran out of it.  Before Tim found out the cancer was back,  for several months Tim really believed he had beat the cancer and he was going to be OK.  We had made so many plans for our future, where we would live and we were so happy about becoming grandparents.  Tim was going to home school his grandchildren, I could write a book on just the plans that Tim had made for his future with his grandkids and then write another book on the plans he had for just the two of us. In his plans we were going to live a long and very busy life together.  He would lay in bed at night talking to me about all these plans I couldn't even get a word in but I enjoyed just hearing him talk but about a week before I had to put him in the hospital he just stopped talking about the future and started talking about the past and things he wanted me to tell people or things he wanted me to do for him.  The day we found out his cancer was back was horrible, the worse day I believe I've ever had to go through and there was no one to turn to and ask for help.  Tim didn't tell his family everything about his health or everything about me being back in his life.  He didn't even tell them he had a daughter until right before Christmas of 2012 he knew the things he had to tell them wouldn't make them happy and that they wouldn't understand.  As he told me he would just be an enbrassment to them once again.  All he wanted to do was protect his daughter from his family, he knew I could handle whatever his family might dish out on me which I have but its been hard. Tim didn't want to die without his family knowing that he had his own family that he was proud of. Everything Tim told me that would happen with his family has come true.  He knew his family really well.  Its sad to lose a whole family and a family I found out I never really had at all.

i have many hours in my head of sitting after church on the front steps talking with timmy about everything from soup to nuts...he was so intelligent that his questions and answers went way over my head...he used to laugh and tell me i was smart in a better way....common sense. i loved him so much and i never saw his temper either...maybe he only showed it to those he disliked? he was a lazy friend. i always had to make the calls, but they were always good talks. he outed his family to me and the way the church operated and at first i thot he was joking with me, but i found out to my dismay that he was right and wasn't even exaggerating. the things i learned years later always brought back what he told me. he had no repsect for the people in his life that lived two ways. he hated hypocrites and he separated himself from them. i've always hoped that the hypocrites in his early years and later didn't keep him from knowing the Lord. i, selfishly, want to see him again. rest easy, my friend...you were a darling man...love sue

When Tim finished with college we decided to buy a small, old travel trailer and travel to all the states we could afford to.  We didn't have any money but we wanted to get away and have fun.   We did go to many places and we would find a state park and sit up house keeping for a few weeks at a time.  We both would go out and get a job that we would keep just long enough to saved up enough money to go to the next state and state park and do it all over again. We did that for about two years and we had a blast.  We found two female cats, we gave them a home by the end of our travels we had 13 cats that we had to find homes for.   Seemed if one was having kittens the other one was also. Our trailer was small it had a double size bed. Tim was almost 6'3" and weight around 180 pounds and I'm only 5'2" and weight 100 lbs.   I had to sleep on the side of our bed next to the door if I didn't Tim couldn't fit in the bed.  One night we were just laying in bed talking I told Tim how lucky I was sleeping on that side of the bed because if I needed to get up I wouldn't have to crawl over him well he got me back real good he told me that he was glad he didn't have to sleep on that side of the bed because if someone broke into our trailer they would get me first. From that night on I worried about going to sleep and kept one eye opened every night.  Tim would roll over and knock me off the bed 4 or 5 times a week and someway he always would catch me before I hit the floor. We never figured out how he did that.  Those were the best times of our lives, so simple and free nothing holding us back from having fun and loving each other. Being together everyday. 
After we first meet Tim and I were never apart not one night for over 6 years.  We stayed together the first night we meet. I believe I was born to love Tim. God put me on this earth for Tim so I would be with him at the end of his life.  He died a happy man.  He told me that he was sorry he was going to have to leave me by myself.  Some of his last words to me were "Sweetheart I love you, please don't cry for me, I'll be keeping my eyes on you until you join me"

When the hospital and doctors told me there was nothing else they could do for him and I needed to take him home to die.   I knew I couldn't do that by myself, I couldn't hold him up, help him to other rooms and things he would need to do. I looked for help but didn't have enough time to look before he had to be out of that hospital.  So I looked at nursing homes and there was no way I was going to put my husband in one of those.  Then I found Hospic and went to three different homes and found one of the nices places.   He had a large privite room and I could have stayed with him at night but by the time he got into that home, they kept him so drugged up that he was asleep most of the time. But I stayed with him during the day but when night came I went back to our home, I knew he wouldn't wake up until I was back there early the next morning, he wouldn't know that I was ever gone. I had strange feelings being in that hospic house, there were 4 other poeple that were dieing in that house.  I couldn't handle it and I know how that must sound but I had spent ever second with him day and night after I had to put him in the hospital.  I knew that my husband was going to die because everyone told me that and had me sign papers stating that he was dieing but no one could tell me when.   Tim had a horrible death, in so much pain when I would touch him with just my finger tips he would scream out in pain.   His oncologist told me that he had 3 months to live so I thought I had more time with him than I did so did his brothers and his whole family.  So none of us were like in a "rush" to say our final goodbyes so yes when Tim died as quickly as he did we all were surprised by it.  Yes we knew he was dieing but we thought we had time we thought we had months not just days to say goodbye after he got into the hospic home.  I think from all the things Tim told me before he died that he was ready to go, to get out of the world of pain that he found himself in. No he didn't want to die, he didn't want to leave this world. He had a lot to look forward to but the pain was just to much to live with.

Tim may have died before his time, much to young but his life was filled with life lessons.  He loved to travel and he did his traveling to all different countries.  I've got the pictures to prove that. 
He loved helping people, mostly children I think that is why he went into the mental health profession.  He worked with mostly young teens. He was the CEO of several clinics that helped people with problems, people that had no place else to go for help.   
 
With me Tim never showed his temper although I know he had one but in all the years I was with him and up till the end of his life Tim never, not once raised his voice at me.  Most people don't believe that but I swear its the truth they don't believe it because he had shown his temper to others.
Tim died from small cell lung cancer, he had a horrible painful death. Close to the end of his life he had to go into the hospital and was in ICU for I think two weeks, time runs together for me when all of that was happening. I got to stay with him in ICU 24 hours a day.  He didn't want me to leave and I didn't leave his side not for a second unless the Drs ask me to leave.

I caught him talking bad to a nurse one day, I was out of the room when she came in and when I walked back into the room he suddenly just stopped talking when he realized I was back. I looked at him with a smile on my face and he looked at me so funny and said "WHAT?" in such a little boys voice.  I didn't say a word to him I acted like I didn't even hear him.    He wanted me to do everything for him, he didn't want the nurses to touch him.  He just wanted me to be with him and take care of him until the end. He love for me to stand at the head of the bed and brush back his hair with my hand he said that feels so good, So I would brush back his hair for long periods of time.  I would do anything to make him not hurt so much just to make him feel something good. .