Below is a series of letters written by me (Shauna) and others to Tommy after his death.  I guess I decided to share these letters because I want people who hurt other people or people who have been through what our family has been through to understand, when you hurt someone or you lose someone, their story doesnt end with just them.  They have families who live on and who grieve and who have to learn to live with a loss.  I have shared my writtings in my personal blog on my page also but this is Tommys personal space and I just want to share our journeys through life and how we cope each day with everyone.  The letters are in order from the time of his death until recently.  As you can see on his page in his comments area we think about and write to him daily so feel free to send him messages as well and remember that death and grieving doesnt end at the funeral.  The family lives it everyday especially when it comes so unexpectedly!
 
December 13, 2008 - Saturday 
Monday Dec 8th changed my life and the lives of my family forever.  My baby brother lost his life to something that could have been prevented.. murder.   There are lots of stories going around of what happened to lead up to the incident and I don't know all the details and the truth is I dont care. The only reliable source who knows the truth is Tommy and he isn't here to tell us.  All I know and care about is that my brother is gone.  None of us even got to say goodbye to him. The hours leading up to the police detectives calling and officially identifying Tommy were the longest hours of my life.  The car ride to an from the hospital were the longest 40 minute car rides I have ever taken.  Its been 4 days.  Every day for me is harder than the day before and I know the hardest day is yet to come.  The first day your kind of just there, everything around you feels like your in a dream, just exhausted and praying that you wake up and everything will be ok.  Then tomorrow comes and you realize its not a dream and nothing is the same.   Hes just gone.  I'm never going to see his face again or hear his voice or watch him play with his nieces an nephews again.  Yesterday was so far was the hardest.  We had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements.  I was sitting there and just couldn't believe and never imagined laying my brother to rest.  He was supposed to there when we buried our parents and he was supposed to be there when they buried me.  It just doesn't make sense.  I can feel my heart breaking, literally physically breaking.  It breaks for our (my) loss and it breaks for my parents pain and I cant even imagine how Jenna feels.  Its so hard to understand and comprehend it.  The hardest times come when I am alone and when its quiet and I actually have time to think.  In the car, or the bath tub, laying in bed, washing the laundry and even yesterday in the grocery store. I cant stand to hear the phone ring, my heart stops every time it does and I cant stand watching the news.  I know that God has a plan for everybody and that he is in a better place.  And it may sound selfish but we just needed more time with him, he needed more time to live his life and start a family and become all the things he wanted to be.  21 years is such a short time, at 21 your just beginning to start the journey of finding yourself and creating yourself and shaping your life.  My thoughts are so scattered and I really cant even think straight.  There so many things I want to say and I have so many mixed emotions.   The one thing I learned is you cant take life for granted.  Everyday is a gift a new day and you better live and live it wisely because it might just be your last.  It can be taken away from you in a split second without any warning.  I think that is the hardest part of all this for me, is that we had no warning, its so unexpected.  You know, its not like with a disease or sickness where even though you don't know the exact day an time your giving a prognosis and you know that you better live your life to the fullest and you better say what it is you have to say and you make sure they know they were loved and are loved.   I cant even tell you the last time I said I love you to my brother or if I ever did, I cant remember the last time I hugged him, and so all I can do is hope that he knew and live with the guilt of having not done it when he was alive and here to hear it.  I did and I do love him with all my heart.  You kind of build of special bond when your 11 year old brother checks the bed by sniffing the bed when your going into labor thinking your water broke and the Dr insists you check to make sure it isn't pee, lol. (Oh gosh, I just laughed for the first time in days) He was so funny and he had stories for days.  He had a strong exterior very much bull headed (I think that runs in the family) but he had the heart of gold and he was not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve.  The boy could talk for days,  if you called to talk to him for even a second about something small an quick you better have made time to talk for a full on hour or more, because he had things to say, lol.   I cant believe hes gone, hes just gone....  I could ramble on, and on I really could because I just need to get it all out but for now, I just want to say, everyday is a lesson and in this week, I have learned a few things, life is short, and leaves you with many questions.  Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, you don't come to earth knowing of when your time is going to be up, it isn't written on your birth certificate and there isn't a book with a list of dates.  So make sure everyday you tell all your loved ones you love them.  I sat my kids down and I made sure that they know I plan to tell them I love them everyday damn day for the rest of their lives but if there is a day when I dont, I want them to know I love them everyday of my life.  I want them to know when I leave this earth or when they do they were loved.  I dont want to be left or leave them wondering were they loved, and did they know how much.   I love you Tommy, and I only hope you knew that too!  Until next time....... 
December 14, 2008 - Sunday 
 

December 18, 2008 - Thursday 
Ten days has passed since we lost my little brother.  I am trying so hard to get into the Christmas spirit for two reasons one being my kids, they deserve to be happy and they just dont quite yet grasp the meaning of death and how devastating it is, an two because Christmas was Tommy's favorite, he would want us to be happy and celebrating the holidays.  I just cant though.  Its so hard.  I have tried to look so hard at all the things there are to be happy and thankful for but losing him has far over shadowed them all.  I did manage to get my tree up but it wasn't done with the love an perfection it usually is.  To me its just kinda there.  Just right now I have no vision.  I am so sad.  I just cant understand why... why my brother, why right now..!?!  I know it was obviously his time to go and God has a plan for him but what?  What is he needed for so bad up there that he had to leave us now?  Why, why, why?  I have questions and I WANT answers, but who do you look to for the answers?  Do I look inside myself an find the answers there, do I look to God an hope he sends me a sign, I mean where do I turn?  I just want to be able to be happy again and I want to know that the sun will shine sooner rather than later.  The gloom cast over me, is heavy and no matter how much I feel like things are getting back to normal, in the darkest of night, when all is quiet, I think and I remember that he is really gone and gloom hangs over me again.  I never thought I could be this devastated, I can only imagine how devastating it is for my parents with him being their son, our children are supposed to out live us.   Just thinking about losing one of my children and trying to imagine how my parents feel my heart aches.   Its an awful feeling.  I know now that I have to cherish all the time I have with my kids, because their tomorrow an my tomorrow isn't promised.  I guess I have always known that but times like this makes you realize you really shouldn't take life for granted, it goes as quickly as it comes.  I am beginning to ramble.. so for now kiss your loved ones, tell them you love them an until next time....
January 2, 2009 - Friday 
 

Saturday, January 10, 2009