- 28 years old
- Date of birth: Mar 24, 1987
- Place of birth:
Biloxi, Mississippi, United States
- Date of passing: Feb 4, 2016
- Place of passing:
Pennsylvania, United States
|Let the memory of W. Matthew be with us forever|
"I never really had the pleasure of getting to know my own son we were separated while we were both very young he was 2 and I was 17. Unsure of why as I've found that my reality was fiction.
From age 5 when asked "what I would be when I grew up?" my answer would always be "A mom!" That is truly my heart's desire.
Unable to deal with the separation the unbearable hurt of missing him,the endless amount of tears, every encounter ending in goodbye, I hurt the four most important people to me. My mind would shut down if his name was spoken, so it was forbidden. How cruel could I be? What kind of fool am I? Waiting for him to be grown so WE could understand what happened, thinking there was time.
Time waits for NO man and unfairly his older brother and two younger sisters will never have the opportunity to know him the way they should have been allowed to.
After almost 15 years of seperation, God knowing the outcome reunited us. All though I had found Mat on facebook a few years before I could never find the words to follow sending a friends request. So my youngest daughter who has never even heard the sound of her brother's voice messaged him. It took some time but, a month before his passing he saw her message and could not have thanked her enough for bringing him and I together. We were able to talk many times a week on the phone. I told him I wanted to get ahold of him but didn't know what to say. That I loved him and I couldn't have been more wrong in the way I treated the whole situation. I cried and asked him to forgive me and he said: " Mom please don't cry, it's okay, let's just go on from here, I love you and I just wish I could see you."
During the month Mat and my other three children messaged each other he had lots of question about me and was quoted saying:' He just wished he could be with me." I wished he could have come here too and I said I just couldn't go there right now. My son never saw me again!
I will never forget the excitement he had in his voice when he told me ALL that I had missed, he says "You're a grandmother! I have a beautiful granddaughter she is 5. He had graduated high school gotten married enlisted in the Army reserves and went to Afganistan to fight for our country. And all though he had met up with some trouble along the way I couldn't be more proud of the man my son had become. If I'm telling the story right...Unfortunately while in the Afganistan he got hurt and became addicted to morphine wich lead to a heroin addiction. 40 days before his 29th birthday heroin took his life.
My phone rang that Friday morning ,the caller id had my ex-husband's name on it I knew something was wrong before I answered. At first, it was like being dumbstruck there is no way to describe what I felt and how angry at God I was. Why DID YOU LET HIM DIE? Why did He bring us together just to rip us apart? Had we not reunited the month before no one would have known how to reach me and I would not know that I had one final goodbye with Matty. I imagine this is what I deserve.
Now that same 15-hour car ride to Pennsylvania that I couldn't make for him to see me just weeks before my eldest son and I are making just to see him one last time. We arrived at Mats dad's house Saturday evening he was expecting us. We walk through the same door the EMT's had taken Mat out of, into the same kitchen he had fallen to the floor in. My granddaughter was there. My son took one look at her fell to his knees his face soaked with tears and snot as he crawled to her and with a whaling of sorrow that I will never forget he held her in his arms calling out for his brother.
Obstacles caused a delay in the viewing of the body until Monday after which he would be cremated and laid in peace in a veterans cemetery a few hours away but close enough his daughter would have a place to visit him. I never had a moment alone with him and he was so frozen my God he was so handsome. I kissed his forehead but I did not tell him goodbye.
I was wrong I didn't deserve to know my son was gone. I didn't deserve the chance to see him one last time I didn't deserve to hear him say " its okay mom, don't cry, I love you and I don't deserve to be a part of my granddaughter's life but God gave me these things. I have always missed Mat so for me a lot of things are still the same when I think of him I cry I just don't have to hide it anymore. I've never really been scared of dying but now I kinda look forward to it.
In closing I would just like to Thank the entire Shaw family for being so good to my baby while he was on this earth he truly knew he was loved and please forgive me for being so prideful in my youth that I missed out on everything, I LOVE MY SON WITH ALL MY HEART!"
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