I was probably the luckest person yet I never got to tell you..see you loved me unconditionaly..how many people can say that. You were a man that worked hard all his life and just when we started to travel and do things..you were taken away. I guess I never truley realized you were my everything. Its a few days past 18 months that you have been gone and personally I have been an emotional rollercoaster that just does not stop..

Princess and Pokey are my companions now..they were your babies..now they stick close to me , I think afraid that I might not come back. One day we will be together again that I know. I love you always and forever.... 

Today is Oct 21 and in 9 days it will be a year since you have left us. Hard to believe that its been a year. I have finally started to do what I need to do and that is move back to Mass. I know it will be hard leaving this home that you left us.But for me its so hard without you here . Everywhere I look I can see you ..mowing the lawn, walking in the back yard with McCayla or on your go cart.I will always keep those memories in my heart forever.Yet i know I have to move to be able to move on and live life again..if I stay here I will die of a broken heart from losing you. I think you would be proud of me and happy with the choice of house. Personally I think you would have loved it! Plus McCayla will be right upstairs from me..you wanted her close and for me to be close to her..can't get any closer I have to say!! I will have Nanc there to help me through this all and then Rob and Megan and McCayla will be there soon enough.Can't wait for her to come down those stairs to see me . You would have loved that, I know you would have...or you would be yelling for her to come down stairs!! I think when I move you will be coming with me in Spirit!! At least i hope so. I so miss you....as you would say to me Love you So!!!  <3

Living in the house I can see the images of you walking in the back yard with the dogs or walking with McCayla, or zoomingi in on your go cart...I can see you so clearly..I know when I move I am going to miss seeing those images..but I know you wanted me to leave this house. I think you knew what it was going to do to me and that is bring sadness of missing you..In one month and 3 days it will be a year and its really hitting me hard..I still keep expecting you to come through the door say hi hun!! But it doesn't happen.
All that you went through fighting your cancer ..you always had a sense of humor through it all....I so miss that!! I miss you!! More then anyone knows or will ever know..I love you!!! forever your wife!!  

I have been doing this for a little while now..but I look up to the sky and blow you kisses..I say kisses to heaven Wayne .. I love you. It makes me feel a little better. I still have such pain .Yet it is getting better. I am trying to decide what to do with my life ..do I stay here in the house that we bought and lived in ..yet brings me tears and hardship of all the things that have to be done...I just don't know if  I can do it. Its so hard with you not here to help me do all the things that need to be done...I just don't know...I need your guidence so much I really do.
Well hon...I am blowing you  a kiss ...kisses to heaven ..love you Wayne

Last week I had a major panic attack , at least I think it is .Yet tonight at home it happened again , I couldn't breath and the tightness in my chest....I am scared .I have no one here to help me if something happens to me. I always thought you would be here for me and now I am alone. I am so scared  something is going to happen to me and I won't be found in time.This is the second time in 7 days that this has happened..I don't think it is panic attacks now.
.I truly miss you . Yesterday was the official six months of you leaving . They said that is a big one and you know they are right . Yesterday I broke down and realized I truly am  not going to see you ever again..I mean I know you are gone..but the realization really hit hard yesterday. But after I had a peace over me , cause I know you are not in any more pain..I kept thinking of all the pain that you endured through it all and you are now free of that ..no more pain..you are free.. I love you and miss you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today it is six months since you left ..and not a day goes by that I don't think of you or shed a tear for you cause I miss you so much. The lonliness is still here  and  I doubt it will ever go away. I look over at your chair daily to imagine you sitting there asking for a cup of coffee or whats for dinner...I miss hearing about your work..so many little things I miss you will never know.
 If I could have you back for just a little more time so I can tell you I am not so strong as you think I was..I only tried staying strong for you. ..to make you fight that awful disease. Yet I think there was a lot you did not tell me..yet I know you did not want to face the end..yet on that day you were ready , you had enough pain..if I could have taken all your pain away  I would have in a heart beat. You did not deserve what you went through and in a way I will always blame the doctors for that..maybe if they had saved you  I would think different , but instead they gave up..no more could be done they said..no more quaility of life and that is what you wanted ..god Wayne you were so strong....
.At work I do my job and try to forget what you went through, yet the minute  I get home  I remember it all.Are you watching over us...I hope so...when  I talk to you I hope you hear me..when I tell you everyday how I love you ..I hope you hear me...I just so miss you..I really do... I love you and always will...you are my angel forever...

Its almost 6 months now..I am surviving one day at a time and one problem at a time. God it seems since you have been gone everything has broken down. So far have had to have the furnace fixed, the septic fixed,the siding fixed the suv fixed, cable fixed,plumbing fixed and now have the mustang in for just maintence..Before I had you to at least help me through all this or  at least you here to fix things. Having all this and then the pressure of work I am surprised I am here still! A day does not go by that I do not think of you..and miss you. The tears of have gotten less cause I know I have to go on with life just with you not in it and that is the part that is so hard..you not in it.

I had a good cry yesterday...I don't know if it was the 5 month anniversary of your passing or that my wedding ring got caught and it seemed like it was loose and I did not want it to break...it upset me so that I just cried.Plus with work being stressful and me feeling like I am stuck there. I hate it.  I hate being alone, yet don't want anyone else but you here!
  I am leaving for a vacation at the end of the week, I so wish that you were going with me.But I need to get away from here..just to relax near the ocean..don't know if  I want to come back yet I will cause I have the house that we lived in and even though I would love to move..I probably won't for a while because it was our home and our memories and I just can't leave them yet. 
I know you can't read these but at least I can get my feelings out..Wayne I need to find me again..I really do. WIth you gone I have been so lost and stressed and alone that I am losing myself and I want the old me back, not the one that cries everynight from missing you..........you are forever in my heart!! No one can ever replace that I hope you know that..What also goes thru my mind is what you said that you were afraid that McCayla will forget you..that hurts when I think of it...never will you be forgotten!! NEVER....   

I am feeling so lost with out you here, I don't know which way to turn. My job is so stressful that I just want to leave this area, yet I know you wanted me to stay for Mcccayla.I love her yet I am getting overwhelmed with all that has to be done around this house and its just me, I can only count on me, you are not here. I miss you sooo as you would say!! I love you forever and ever...

Here it is the first weekend of Nascar and your not going to be here to watch it with me..yet on a good note..your driver won the gatorade duel 2 race!! I am still hoping for my driver..yet if yours wins I think that will make me happier..
Its going on 4 months since you left all of us and not a day goes by that I don't think of you or shed a tears. I guess I am starting to get use to being alone all the time..I hate it but the only way I would be happy is if your were back with me and I know that is not going to happen is it.if only it would. I love you and miss you so much.We had 31 years together ...we weathered the good the bad and the ugly..yet you were right we were ment to be together from day one! We never gave up on each other .So on Sunday I will watch Nascar like we always did and hope you are watching from heaven....

Happy Valentines day!! To think last year you gave me a dozen roses..I am so glad that I took a picture of them so that I would always have them and will think back to that time! I miss you so much...if there was only a staircase to heaven I would bring you back healthy and back to me. God I hate cancer..and what it took from us..our future our happiness our lives the way they were! I have pictures all around the house when you were healthy..the way I want to remember you and the way you were .Not what the cancer did to you..I love you!

I wish you knew the loneliness I feel with you not here...sometimes its unbearable. I miss you so much. Just for you to hold me and tell me that I will be ok. I feel so alone...everyone has gone on with there lives.Me I sit at home during the evenings mourning you and wishing this nightmare would go away.Yet everynight I come home and your not here to say Hi Hun..just to hear you say those words again.I don't think anyone realizes the loneliness you feel when you lose someone that has been in your life since a teenager..What am I to do without you..how do I go on without you..I feel so alone and lost.
I have to say Princess know when I start crying she come running up to me trying to give me kisses..I know she is trying to distract me from my sadness.....amazing how a dog knows when your hurting..very few know how much I hurt. I love you! I 'll love you always!

I keep thinking about us when we first got together..just meeting you the day after my 19th birthday and now look at me ...50 and without you here... I didn't think that was going to be the way! We were just starting to do things and go places..now your gone.
If we could go back ..could we have stopped the cancer....would we be enjoying our lives..if only ..and the what ifs...those will always be on my mind. 
 God I love you and miss you ..but I am trying to realize that you are not in any more pain ..no more throwing up every day.I hope you are watching over me and the boys and McCayla!!
Next week is McCayla's birthday..I know that is going to be a hard day for me...because you should be there..but don't worry. I will get a gift from Papa for her. I told you she would never forget you and I am going to make sure. Today I played a video of you two and she just kept wanting me to play it over and over..I finally had to say ok ..that is enough..she misses you and so don't I and the boys!! I will always love you..forever and ever.!!

I have to say the song I picked for this sight fits Wayne so well, he had beautiful blue eyes...and the song makes me cry everytime I come here..yet I need to cry for you. I just miss you so much and I am so lonely without you here.I miss seeing you sitting in you chair..I miss you asking what is for dinner.I just miss talking to you and seeing you when I come home.Its awful to come home to a house so empty.The only noise is the TV. I don't hear you getting the dogs all barking as you teased them or you see you walking in the backyard as you walk the dogs or seeing you in your go cart or us going for a nice long ride in the go cart on the trails.How I wish I could go back in time and would have caught the cancer soon enough..yet would that have helped..we will never know...but I wonder..I love you Wayne....sending kisses to heaven to you1

You loved your sons more then anything and your granddaughter McCayla was your joy! While you fought with cancer you just wanted to enjoy your time wth McCayla..I remember the day we were in the car and we were talking and all of a sudden you started to cry cause you said that you were afraid that McCayla was not going to remember you...oh Wayne she remembers and misses you so much...you will never know  how much ..but John, Rob and I will never let you be forgotten . You will always have McCayla as Papa's girl...almost three months later she says she is Papa's girl!! 

Wayne was always such a hard worker..then the cancer came and first he was in Denial..then he realized that he had cancer and broke down.To see him cry was awful and painful.he fought so hard, yet the cancer took him away and way to early.He was my hero and my love...a man that loved me no matter, the good or the bad..he loved me for me! To me that is so precious. I love you Wayne Thompson!!