so hard to believe 8 yrs has gone by since you left us. Dad has visited your beautiful children. We sure do miss you

so hard to believe 8 yrs has gone by since you left us. Dad has visited your beautiful children. We sure do miss you

IIt's hard to believe that your daughter just turned 18. She was the most precious little girl. She looks so much like you.

Adam, I sure hope you are looking down and watching over your little girl.  I know you asked your Dad to take care of her til she was grown.  Well Adam that isn't happening.  So we are hoping she will be in your hands and taking care of her. Your Dad and I are so worried about her, and hoping she doesn't go down the wrong road.  We both love that little girl with all our hearts. As your know she had a wonderful 10 yrs. here with us.  I just loved buying  little dresses and matching ones for her doll.  We had rules here and she didn't like them and now she is where there are no rules.

I remember when we were at the campground in the summer of 2010. It was July 4th and we were decorating our 4-wheelers, and i helped you with yours. Me and my friends won and we were all so happy we went swimming in the lake and the pool and you scared me by swimming under a boat. I miss those days a lot.... I love you so much daddy forever in my heart is where you are and will remain for eternity...

I was working at The Market Basket today at the register. I was handing back change to a customer, and noticed his hands were the same as yours'. It's strange  I was in a daze about it all day, The same long, wide, fingers short nails with a tan so dark he could've been in the mud all day. I watched him count his money again and fold it up with the heads all in the same direction, odd, I thought you were the only one who did that. I laughed at first, then of course, I cried. I miss that. How could someone so anal about money, spend so much of it on electronic gaming devices? It's beyond me. Addison's getting a John Deere power wheel tractor for Christmas. I noticed him admiring at the store about a month ago they had one set up in the toy isle. He didn't want to leave without it. I can't wait for him to see it. Dominick wants a tablet, but he's getting a leappad2 instead. It's close enough and of course another year of Karate lessons. Still puts me in a kimora everyday. :)    

Your little girl is getting so big.  We sure miss you alot.  Think about you so much.  Mariah is going to be a beautiful young lady.  She has the curls just like you.

Dear Adam,
It's Halloween again! Dominick is going as a gangster or vampire he hasn't decided yet but he has the costumes for both. Addison is the grim reaper, fitting huh? We had parent teacher conferences last week. Dominick is doing fabulously well with his school, excellent speller, well above his reading comprehension, and a promising math student.  The four wheeler is also home, we have taken it out a couple times but then a hurricane came blowing in so we covered it back up. Dominick is quite proud of it, Addison climbs on it but he's still to little to ride even with an adult. It's just to fast. The lawn mower is more his speed, which he has mastered. The little houdini has also accomplished a quick escape from carseats, child door locks, and safety handles. He opens all the doors and windows, is capable of starting my car without assitance, and reaching the snack cupboard above the stove with the help of either Dominick or a chair, which he carefully and quietly slides across the kitchen floor. Oddly enough the baby genius still likes to eat dog food? Riddle me that.....Aj did the same thing at that age too, so I can only assume if it isn't a toddler thing then it came from your side. I've been applying at other jobs mostly in Augusta. They pay the best and better benefits, better hours, better everything really. You know how I feel about Rockland, even though I am glad not to live here, I don't want to work here either. My job now isn't so bad, but it isn't for me, I need to be busy all day otherwise it doesn't feel like work. I know you would understand and know exactally what I mean. I can't reach my full potential here. I don't know why I constantly need a challenge in my life. Maybe because things are going so well with work, home, and family life that I need a change from the normal and another new start to keep my sanity. Why do we do the things that we do? You can't even answer that so how could I? There is a reason for everything I guess, some reasons we just aren't supposed to know about or maybe we need to figure them out for ourselves to learn some devine lesson. I don't know. But I do know that I have learned plenty of leasons in my lifetime and I am not to old. So I would much rather focus on school/textbook/classroom lessons, than divine intervention. I bought a new car, well it's a 99', but it's fully loaded, 2 sunroofs, leather, cd/cassette/am/fm/ power everything. It's a subaru legacy outback, and I want to sell it already. I hate station wagons, I thought it was just a superficial thing, but nope, I tried it out and I hate it. As soon as I get the chance I am trading it in for the Jeep Cherokee I've been eyeing. I can hear you, you know. I've heard it all before, they're tippy, fall apart, engine problems, body maintenence, expensive parts, I'll put to many miles on it etc. I don't care and you aren't really here to tell me what to do so I can ignore the ringing in my head that I know comes from you. I can sense that teasing hair tugging, and the chills that go up my arm everytime you're around. When I am in bed and sweating in the middle of the night even with the fan blowing, a thin sheet covering me and the window wide open, I know it's you there. You're like sleeping with hibernating bear. 
Addisons new favorite word is "No". He loves food anything and everything he eats it all, his favorites right now are chocolate milk, shrimp, and any kind of noodle with or without sauce. Dominick still eats like a bird, after the doctors removed the abcess in his neck he was taking steroids and his appetite improved a little bit. But now he's back to small meals and light snacks. He's been having a really hard time, behavior wise anyway. He is overly sensitive, and easily angered by miniscule subjects. I think he is waiting for you to come back from heaven and watch pee-wee and spongebob with him. That was his 6th birthday wish, he knew you couldn't stay and only asked for a couple episodes and tacos. He still spends a lot of time with my mom. He tells Addison about you. The redbox, walmart, movies, food, walking to the park, swimming at Greenland Cove, and fishing, and starting fires, grilling outside, and the foreman grill inside, lawnsaling, the truck, of course video games that you mastered, and saturday mornings at mcdonalds, he remembers all of it, everything you two did together he wants to do with Addison. Addison likes Dunkin Donuts and burger king, he doesn't like to sit still to watch movies, but food, fishing, and any outside activites are always well received. We got a swingset from Aaron's parents, it's being used regularly in the back yard and seems to serve it's purpose of keeping Addison away from the road. Well I gotta scoot out of here to a team meating. Until next time.
Love always  

By the way! Thanks to whoever sabotaged my wheeler. You guys rock! But my mechanics rock even harder ,and with friends in high places it will be restored to all it's glory, so our kids can enjoy it JUST LIKE ADAM WANTED. Shame on you all! Karma Karma Karma, giveth and taketh away!  

It's hard to update this memorial as often as I want to. The kids, work and school are keeping me busy. Dominick started the 1st grade he has Mrs. Clark. So far he seems to like it but it's only been 3 days. He is an amazing student. Addison is learning more and more words everyday. Guess that just means I should watch what I say, profanities are contagious it seems. He spent 2 hours mowing the lawn with Aaron yesterday. It's the first time he has ever sat still for longer than....well lets say the only time he is still is when he's sleeping. Even when he's strapped down in the car he dances and howls at the music. We are remodeling the living room at the moment and he has been more than helpful. Fetching our tools, spreading mud, taking out the trash, sweeping up dust etc. Actually it's more like banging the floor and walls with a hammer, wiping mud off the walls with his little fingers and covering the dog with it, dumping the trash can over and throwing it on the deck, and hiding the extensions to the shop vac under his bed. Addison has also learned how to say "Honey", our pit bull. He adores this dog, he feeds her treats, and snuggles, and tries to ride her like a pony. She doesn't seem to mind so much either. The first thing he does when we walk through the door is throw his arms around in a big hug, of course she licks him all over the face. Personally I think it's gross but Addison giggles and off they run to play together, so Im gonna choose not to fight that battle. The nights are less lonely with Aaron around. But...I still think of you often. What life would be like if you were still here. Whether or not I would be working 2 jobs and have a full time school schedule. You would have had your license back by now, we probably wouldn't even live in Rockland, I know we would live closer to Mariah. I've grown quite fond of that little girl, just like you said. Our kids really are amazing, they keep me going. Even when I feel like giving up, they save me. Life is hard, but I don't have anything else to compare it too. Death right now isn't an option, and I know you'd be happy to hear that. The kids are enough for me, even though most days I wanna give them away to the circus, I wished and wanted so bad for them to be enough for you. I wanted to be enough but everything you had still couldn't make the voices in your head go away. Those voices haunt me too, if you could make them go away that would be fabulous. I know you can't produce miracles but if you could talk to your people, and I will continue to talk to my person, maybe we can agree on something. I love you Addie, always. -Jessica.

Dear Adam,

My darling husband, I am so excited to tell you all about what you’ve been missing this past year.  I talk to the sky as if you would answer, but there is nothing.  Sometimes when I am driving a song comes on and I can imagine you next to me singing it.  You would even pause in between versus to critique my bad driving. I had a sonogram August 9th, it’s a boy. You’re probably not surprised, I wasn’t really shocked about it either. I started working at The Barn, in Searsport, on your birthday.   All day long, I could smell the summer, BBQ’s, sunscreen, and fresh mowed lawns. Every day since we met I have thought of you, and this day was no exception. I am sure if it wasn’t your birthday you would’ve worked until dark.  When you arrived home you would open a 1/5 of black velvet and wash it down with a Rolling Rock. Probably play UFC Unleashed on the XBOX or rent a ghost movie from Redbox.  I remember the one time I beat you at that game. You called it a fluke.  It must have been, because that was the only time.  I have so many memories of us together that make me smile.  I can’t wait to share them with our little bundle. Those memories are what got me through the holidays last year.

I lived with my cousin, Michelle, in Belfast, until mid-October.  She has four kids all school age, and a crazy, boyfriend.  But I did get to spend a lot of time with Mariah.  She is the most beautiful, ten year old daughter, anyone could ask for.  I think she looks just like you, AJ does too.  He has his mother’s eyes, but you make up everything else.  Your mother doesn’t allow me to see him.  We don’t exactly get along like we used too.  Apparently she never liked me.  Go figure, right?  Anyways, after you left she broke into our house and stole everything we had.  I had to take her to court and everything. She seems to believe that she is entitled to our belongings more than your wife and kids. I know you were planning on giving her yours, but Mariah got a new laptop for her birthday instead.  Your mother did not think Mariah was deserving of yours.  So, now I have no contact with AJ. But your mother finally took my suggestion, and with the encouragement from his pediatrician, contacted Child Development Services.  Mariah and your dad fill me in on the important things when they visit, AJ is autistic.  Last time I did see him, it was about six months ago.  He was as big as Dominick, it’s hard to believe he will only be three next week.

  Dominick and I spent the holidays at my parent’s house. I wish I could say that I cried myself to sleep, I was so tired, but I hardly slept at all.  Dominick had nightmares for a little while but they seemed to subside.  Somebody told him what you did, Adam.  I keep telling him you were sick and died, but he knows what you did.  He wasn’t any happier this Christmas than the year before. When your ulcer burst, and we spent Christmas in the hospital.  I kept your promise and bought him Iron Man 2 when it came out.  It was an awesome movie by the way.  Dominick made me watch it with him about a dozen times.  He dressed as Flash for a week after Christmas.  He is collecting all of his super hero costumes now.  I am not permitted to throw out any of them even if they’re too small.   I think he hopes Addison will wear them someday.  He talks aboutyou all time, saying “I miss my dad, I am gonna go to Heaven so I can see him”.  It breaks my heart seeing him so sad.  I told him you were the brightest, twinkling star in the sky and he could talk to you anytime.   At bedtime, after I read him his book, I hear him tell you goodnight. When he gets home from school he goes to his room and sits by his window.  The stars aren’t out yet, but I know it is you he is talking to about his day.  He loves school and his teacher said he is a delight, and he puts in his best effort in class.  I am so proud of him I know you would be too. I guess he probably already told you about it.  He also told me that this year he is thankful for a girl in his class, Acadia. Our boys are quite the girl magnets.  It is probably safe to assume that, that doesn’t surprise you either. 

I gained 30 pounds during my pregnancy, and refused anti-depressants.  Anti-depressants should be replaced with placebos. Pills are the problem with most of the people around here these days.  Painkillers, opiates, and any other prescription medications are out of control.  Well, you know all about that.  I had a scheduled c-section on January 7th.  Amy and Kaitlin were my partners.  The nurses actually thought we were lesbians, and being that it was Kaitlin and me, we let them assume it was true.  They even scribbled out the father section on our son’s birth certificate.  Not to worry though, a less gullible nurse gave me a new one to complete.  At 12:30pm a baby boy was born. I know you only allowed your Grammy to call you Addy.  But since we already had an Adam Jr., Addison was the closest I could get to matching names. Addison Maximus Maddocks was a healthy eight and a half pounds. Maximus was the only name you ever mentioned for a boy, it’s his middle name.  So, if in the future he actually does fulfill your dream of becoming an ultimate fighter champion, he can use it as a cool stage name.

I should have known we wouldn’t get a girl like we had hoped.  Chimaira really is a pretty name.   I am not disappointed though, Addison is a perfect baby.  He is always happy and smiling, he has the most beautiful blue eyes you will ever see.  There is no denying his ears, they definitely come from your side of the family.  And he is walking already.  Of course he is 10 months old now, so you have missed out on quite a lot.  We are now coming up on his first Thanksgiving, next week.  Kaitlin and I are super excited we are making plans to have dinner at my house.  Mariah is coming with Grammy Rhonda.  I told Mariah she could invite Alicia, but I don’t know for sure if she will come.  Your Dad is going to be hunting until he tags a deer. He thinks he is losing his mind and everything else, he has been very forgetful.  I think his heart is just younger than his mind and it can’t keep up.  Still though, we are all in good health. 

I miss you so much, every day that passes the kids grow older.  It feels like we were cheated by time.  You made sure we didn’t have enough of it.  Why did you do it?  What were you thinking while wrapping that rope around your neck? I can’t imagine that you were. When the panic set in and you inhaled your last breath, did you consider the family you were leaving behind?  I try not to be angry but it is difficult for me to evaluate all my emotions.   I usually end up saying something stupid and offensive.  You lied, Adam, you said you would never go out like that.  Where did that cowardly-courage come from?  They day after my 26th birthday, I saw your body.  Your mother didn’t want me to, she made up some more stories to try and keep me from even attending the funeral.  How does one move a body like that without the wife being notified?  When I touched your face it was so cold, it caught be off guard, you were always running hot.  I wished for you to just be sleeping, but you didn’t wake up.  I thought for a little while that it was a cruel prank you were playing on me.  I thought about joining you in Heaven.   

I have another man in my life now.  We went to school together back in the day.  You would like him, I think.  Maybe you wouldn’t like the part of us being together or him raising your kids.  But he has a certain charismatic charm even you would admire.   I know I certainly do, and so do the boys.  Nobody will ever compare to you.  I am looking forward to seeing what Mariah thinks.  There is snowmobile and a four wheeler out back, so I am positive they will hit it off.  Dominick is going to help me set up his new bunk beds tomorrow.  He has been trying to help out as much as he can, so he can earn mixed martial arts lessons.  The determination of that little boy is so honorable.  He already takes karate and is the absolute best big brother to Addison.  They read together and play.  Dominick even learned how to make bottles and change diapers.  The poopy diapers gross him out, but still, it’s more than you would do.    

I guess I have covered everything, until the next time.  I am a busy student now.  A Mental Health and Human Services degree is going to take a few years so, I should probably get back to it. If you are ever in the stars, Adam, stay bright.      

                                                        With all my love,
                                                                              Your Wife

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be,
 So he put his arms around you and whispered,"Come to me"
with tearful eyes we watched you and saw you pass away.
Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest,  
God broke our hearts to prove to us he only takes the best.   
 Dad, I will always love you and hold you close to my heart!   

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  Rhonda and Mariah are coming.  It snowed a nice heavy 6 inches here last night.  I shovled the driveway but I still can't get my car out.  So I gave up and now I am relaxing with a nice hot cup of cocoa.  Even with the two kids I still can't stomach coffee.  So here I am Addison is napping, Dominick is in his room watching his tv of course.  But I am here thinking about you.  How much I wish you were here to celebrate the holidays.  Two years now you have missed it.  This is Addisons year of firsts.  Since he was born in January the only holiday he missed was New Years and I don't think he is going to celebrate that officially for atleast 20 more years....I hope. Being that he is cut from the same cloth as you and I, I will choose my battles and settle for less, but not much less. Aj turned 3 a few days ago, I haven't seen him recently but I hear he is getting bigger, cause he wasn't before right :) We live in Waldoboro now.  Theres a nice big deck on the back and front.  Lots of room to run, so we adopted Amy's dog, Honey.  You would love her.  She's big, brown, and white.  Pitbull, lab mix.  Very loveable but hates to be bothered when she's sleeping.  Loves to ride, you have to lift her out of the car she hates being left behind.  I take her with me a lot but it's hard when I am at school.  I don't like to keep her in the car alone to long, but she doesn't seem to mind, I think she would prefer it rather than stay home alone.  She's a perfect dog for you, I think more about when she's climbing up on my lap, getting comfy with a 150 pound mutt holding you down is very difficult.  Addison hasn't been in the snow yet.  I want to get him outside but he seems to be a little under the whether today.  It's supposed to be warmer out tomorrow.  Im thinking if he is feeling better the kids can go build a family of snowpeople.  Could probably have enough snow with whats on the deck there is so much out there.  It's still coming down.  I guess you wouldn't be at home watching the snow fall huh?  you would be bent over shoveling :) Wouldn't I like to see you bent over, shovel or not, your backside is quite a sight.  Now listen to me being a perv.  This is on the World Wide Web.  For someone that loved electronics you never did care for the email aspect or networking.  Wise beyond your years.  You really think the world will end next year?  2012 is fast approaching.  Guess then the holidays would'nt be so difficult huh.  All my love daddy-Jessica

I have thought about you everyday since I first saw you.  I am taking a break right now from writing a communications essay on the social clock. you know society's standards for living.  Graduate, Career, Marriage, Children, by age 30.  Everything reminds me of you.  Im doing alright with this school work mom thing.  I have recruted a lot of help just so I can do better by our boys.  But it's a lot of work, Adam.  Im tired a lot and I think I have taken on too much.  tried to get better to fast before I know Im better.  It's so hard to explain and I know only you would understand.  And everytime I feel like I have had enough of this life and you know just when I do.  Because you're there for me.  You're the song on the radio that makes me sing,  the cold wind against my face on a hot summer day.  You are the moon that lights my way home, and the stars that fall above my next path.  I know when you're nearby Adam.  I know because you make me smile, you give me the strength to keep climbing when I feel like falling,  you are the grip holding my hands when I want to let go.  My beating heart will always be whispering your name.  

It was a long intense weekend. Friday Kaitlin and I attended the Redneck Olympics in Heborn. You would've loved it. We got back Sunday! I wanted you to be here sooo bad. I think about you all the time and it still makes me cry after a year. I don't think the pain is ever going to go away but everyone keeps telling me to hold in there til it does. I think your dad had a rough day on the anniversary of your death too. I don't think your birthday will be much better for any of us. The kids all are well. Addison is 7 months old now. Crawling and he can get around quite quickly in his walker. Dominick is starting school at the end of the month he talks about you constantly. But he cant wait for school. I cant' wait until Addison is talking then again I think I would have to explain to him where his daddy so it might be a hard time too. Everything in my world revolves around you even when your not in it it's always about you. The kids are you I guess. Atleast I have them. Well two of them :) Aj was so excited to see us the last time I saw him. He ran right to me and gave me a big hug and held on. I think he expected to see you with me. He saw his baby brother and didn't want to let him go either. It was the sweetest thing watching him feed addison and hug him. You would be so proud! I put your memoriam in the paper today. I think im just to damn young to be widowed. Now I know how Army wives feel I guess. But atleast I know where you are right. I love you soooo much! 

So we were sitting outside I was smoking a cigarette I know you hate that. But anyways Dominick comes and sits next to me and excitedly says

" Mom, look how many stars are out in the sky"

I said " yea it's all lit up"

Dominick says" Adams a star mom he's up there which one is he?"

"I don't know Dominick "

"I think hes that one over there and points"

I said "I don't know Dom I think hes the brightest one twinkling over there."

"Oh yup thats him you think he can hear us wanna holler to him"

"I don't know Dom he's pretty far away and I don't think he will answer you back."

"ADAM!!!"

"Mom you think he sees us down here"

"I know he does"

"But Mom if he's in Heaven in my heart and a star in the sky how can he see me all the way down here?"

"Magic, Love and a fast truck" 

"Mom hes a spirit he doesn't need a truck he can float"

"Oh right well hes a fast floater and when he gets tired he drives his magic truck or maybe he has a crystal ball I don't know how he does it but I know hes looking out for all of us."

The star kept blinking and we stared at it for a little while longer. And now even if thats not you twinkling everytime we talk to the sky a ball of gas is getting an ear full :) lol!!  

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Mothers Day...Valentines...Doms Birthday....Addison rolling over. All the milestones he will have that you have to watch from heaven and your mother will never see. All the holidays that are empty lonely and solemn without your smile there. I know you regret those nights before your death and I know the guilt of being with someone you didn't truly love drove you to your desicions that still haunt us all. I know you better than anyone and you cant sleep by yourself. Mommy dearest seems to think there was a budding relationship there I know if it were to amount to anything or even if the thought crossed your mind you wouldn't be in heaven. I hope you're watching over her now because you won't see much of her when shes gone people like that don't go where you are they go to the other place. And Im sure after the things shes done and the way she's treated us all with her twofaced fake bullshit they will welcome her in hell. 

I have thought about you everyday since I met you. The same thoughts over and over. The most recurring was that day we bought the four wheeler and the dirt bike. We stopped by your brothers house so you could fix the gear box or whatever it was.....Linsey and Dominick were playing across the yard on the swingset and you were wearing the red tank top and cargo shorts of course. Linsey says "see that guy over there with the white shirt thats my dad." And Dominick said to her....."See that guy in the red shirt over there thats my dad his names Adam." It still makes me cry you were so proud and said "see he knows who his dad is." It's sad your mother has been trying to minimize the relationship you had with our children. But I promised you then and I promise you now I won't let him forget you Addison will know who his dad is too. Even though your mother seems to have doubts about his paternity......well you know how she is. I remember that night over and over again too and the days before when we decided to have another baby. I will tell the kids about it when they get older Dominick is already curious.....You know he said to me "When I grow up Im going to drink beer and get naked with my wife!" I wish you could've been there but Im sure you were laughing as hard as I was. He says the funniest things that remind me of you. He wants tattoos and an ipod with your music on it. You know Big Rock Candy Mountain, Keep on Loving You, Little Red Riding Hood and Nights in White Satin isn't his favorite song but since he heard you singing it to me he has to have it. And of course all the heavy metal you cranked. I signed him up for karate like you asked me too. He already knows how to throw a punch. He hasnt forgotten the kimora or arm bar you taught him either. They won't take students under the age of five so Im going to surprise him with it for his birthday. He still calls himself Dominick Maddocks we are all Maddocks's he says. Its amazing the profound influence you had on him. He wants to see  you in Heaven he thinks it's a place you can visit. Ive tried to explain it to him but when he becomes a superhero he will fly up there and bring you back for us. I tell him it will be a long time before we see you again and I hope I get to see you first :) Right now I see you in my dreams when I sleep long enough. It's hard without you next to me. I know that's why you slept on the couch when I wasn't at home. The couch your mom took. If only she knew the things we did on that couch :) Kaitlin was saying the other day if CSI investigators took a blacklight into that apartment.......lots of activity. Addison is almost three months old today. He has your eyes and ears for sure, your hair line and your feet. I know he will look just like you I used up all my strong genes on Dominick :) He's a big baby naturally that would come from you too 14 pounds and 2 feet long! :) Hes the perfect baby hardly ever cries eats like a cow. He is sitting in my lap right now making it difficult to update this chapter because he keeps wanting to play with my hands. I havent gotten them a dog yet. I know you said to get a beagle but you know how I feel about small dogs. Im thinking a bigger dog when Dominick is old enough to be responsible for it. He really wants bubbletails back and I can't really blame him that was an awesome cat. Mariah and I went shopping at the Bangor Mall a few weeks ago to celebrate her birthday. We had a great time but it was still missing the man in our lives. Shes growing into a beautiful young lady. We bought her a new pair of high heels I know you wouldn't approve of. She got a new laptop for her birthday too after your mother stole the one we had and refused to give it to her. I did ask her for it but she thought it was more important to make a buck then pass it down to your daughter. Dominick didn't get anything to remember you by after she raided our house either we didn't get anything you wanted for your children. I hope you are able to hear the horrible things she says about our kids and scold her in her sleep then again in 30 years you couldn't shut her up so heres hoping..... I do have some pictures Dominick keeps pinned up by his new bunkbeds. Which are decked out in spiderman blankets and The Neverending Story playing on the tv. He also keeps Ghostbusters with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and TMNT nearby. I had to buy all new ones he tells me they were your favorites. He wants to wear shorts in the winter time like his Dadam so far Im winning that battle. He's so quick to do what men do like you that I don't think I will have much say for long. He talks about AJ too. That's his other little brother he was very proud to tell people that. And he says Addisons poop smells like Ajs diapers too haha. Aj still isn't potty trained he lives with your mother and Im guessing that's why. Dom, Addie and I don't get to see him and I know keeping your kids apart is breaking your heart. After the fallout there is no other options available. Even a slim chance of getting along with that wretched in law came to light I wouldn't do it. I know Im stubborn but I will be god damned if someone is going to talk like that about me you and our children. I can't allow someone like that in their lives and I know you would understand considering the limited contact you two already had. You said yourself if it came down to it kids come first with the exception of Aj they all do. Im sorry I can't do more to help him Im sorry you had to spend 30 years calling her your mother and I know if you were hear you would tell me that again like you had so many times before. She didn't take your advice when you told her to get help I hope she is doing something about it now. You would know before me. Thankfully the friends we had in our daily lives know how much we loved each other they are still around and getting to know the new and last addition to our beautiful family. I don't have to defend our relationship to them and it makes the days without you a lot easier. The world is empty without you in it and I wish it wasn't so. I do talk to professionals about the depression and avoiding destructive behavior. Dominick comes with me too he has a lot to say about you always good things amazing memories he has. He told me the last movie you both bought out of the red box (which was a daily routine with you two he liked swiping the card) was Pee Wee Herman. I told Dominick I used to have a doll just like it and laugh didn't he laugh. Then he said men don't have dolls :) 

Addison loves heavy metal too. Im guessing he gets that from you. I went to see Deadseason the other night Bill is off probation and it was bittersweet without you. Anyways I got a cd and some new music on my MP3 player I put it on and he falls right asleep. (We both do when UFC is on hahaha just kidding)Also his swing he loves to rock in it but the lullaby music isn't his favorite and he usually cries when Dominick puts it on. He had his first round of immunizations last month he didn't cry till the last one. Rhonda and Mariah bought him a cute little baby tuxedo while they were in Florida I can't wait to take his pictures in it.

Well Addison is finally sleeping and its time to clean and do my motherly duties that Ive so graciously accepted being responsible for alone and without you. So until the next chapter. I love you forever and we miss you always.

Our only stop for visits that day at Nana and Papas! 

Visiting with the Maternal Grandparents

Adams middle child AJ

Our oldest son Dominick dressed as Darth Vader

First born son Dominick feeding last born son Addison

Mom and Addie napping

Mariah and dominick apple picking at school house farm.

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs,

I still see the Lights

I still share your hopes and all of your cares

I'll even remind you to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you, you still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment, to stay in his grace

I came here  before you to help set your place

You don't have to be perfect all of the time

He forgives you the slip, if you continue the climb

To my family and friends,

Please be thankful today

I'm still close beside you 

In a new special way

I love you all dearly,

Now don't shed a tear

Cause I'm spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year 

Our first day camping. Not the best picture of me but Adam has a beautiful smile.

Aj all smiles making calls on his toy cellular phone.

Cheese Curls and Spongebob!

Thats the first viewing of Pipi Longstocking. Dominick loved it AJ was wondering about the flying horsey :) 

Loving our kitty :) 

Adam convincing Bill to go fishing out on the boat. Didn't take a lot of convincing but he had to be back to cook dinner on the grill. They weren't My Mom and I ended up starting it before they got back. Which we were anticipating, send two men out on a lake with fishing poles time has no bounds they just go by daylight and before dark. :) 

Dominick with Bubbletails. Bubbletails made his rounds to snuggle the whole family before we went to sleep. Adam was pretty jealous of this cat cause Bubbletails always ended up sleeping in our bed after the boys were tucked in purring on my pillow Adam couldn't have enough pillows and didn't like the fact of sharing even one with the cat so we let Adam have all the pillows and just slept on him :) eventually our body heat and night sweats got the better of him and he gave up a pillow.

Aj napping with our kitty Bubbletails. We loved that kitty. Adam got it as a kitten from his friend Mike Carver. It was a very intelligent cat going in and out through the window :) Always came running when you called his name which was pretty funny having four year old Dominick and Me hollering to this cat named Bubbletails :) And watching Ajs eyes widen when he came running.

March 3rd 2010 Wedding Anniversary. Adam and Me saying our vows and him putting my ring on :) The rings we bought the day before at JCPenny in Rockland we thought about it and talked it over for awhile about marrying each other but officially decided to do it the day before :) It worked for us because neither of us wanted a big wedding we were planning on having a bigger celebration with our entire family on our one year anniversary. My family was dissappointed about not having the usual traditions but they got over it :) 

July 4th it was the best day.

AJ learning to brush his teeth. Showing Daddy and Jessica his pearly whites ;) 

AJ and Papa Stevens camping at Greenland Cove relaxing July 2010

Mariah her first weekend visit to our new apartment. We painted our nails bright orange :) And got all the kids pictures done!

Dominick Aj and Adam (taste testing) cooking dinner on the foreman grill. This was before Adam bought a brand new CharBroil May 2010. It was warming up early this year and he wanted to get outdoors didn't want to miss out on any grilling days. But Jessica had to run the food drinks cooking  utensils and marinades up  and down the three flights of stairs. The burgers were worthit......and ribs :) Also didn't have a mess in the kitchen from everytime Adam cooked. Adam wouldn't buy store brand condiments we always had to have Frenchs Mustard Heinz Ketchup and Sweet Relish in a squeeze bottle (this was hard to find, so I got a jar of sweet relish and spooned it into a squeeze bottle of Dill Relish)  AHSO Sauce and his new thing Grill Mates Rubs. Never enough beer  always enough food.

Dominick and AJ (Adam Jr.) watching tv snuggled in their favorite blanket. Which just happened to be whichever one was on our bed at the time. But this soft green one was the most popular. Luckily they got along very well so they happily shared it. Along with cheese curls and spongebob episodes.  Cheese curls first, snuggling in my 80 dollar velor down comforter after a thorough hand and face washing.

Our first trip to Greenland Cove together June 2010. With the 2005 Dodge Ram truck Adam loved. His mother in law Janice and her significant other  Bill joined us for the weekend. We can thank Bill for Adam and Jessica meeting and falling in love he introduced them April 2009.  

AJ not happy about getting out of the pool that day.

Thats Dominick kissing his baby brother Adison Maximus Maddocks. He will make his debut appearance sometime in January.....

Adam told me he gained weight with all his kids pregnancies right along with their mamas. You can tell :)  And those damn shorts he still had two years later. Cargo shorts he would wear all year long.

Dominick dressed up as the bad spiderman. He has a bunch of costumes. Aj thought it was great he got to meet a new superhero everyday :) 

March 3rd 2010 the day we were married. Witnessed by my best friend Kaitlin, Adams Mother and Grandmother.

Mariah and Aj playing at the playground. You can see their good looks obviously come from their handsome Daddy. Dominick is behind them climbing across the top of the swingset giving me a heartattack.

Adam on the four wheeler the Fourth of July at Greenland Cove. They had a nice little parade and Adam and Mariah decorated the wheeler with shiny Red White and Silver objects for the festivities. Adam was an avid outdoor sportsman he loved to show off his toys I loved to take pictures of how happy he looked so it worked out well.

Thats Adams Grandmothers side by side. Adam was taking the boys for a ride around the campground fun for all cause the boys like to ride and Adam likes to drive. Since he didn't have a license this was as close as it got. Even so he was an exceptional driver and repeatedly commented on how I wasn't.