Recently, I had a dream about Amy. I don't dream of her much and the significance isn't in the content of the dream but the timing. It is too ironic not to share.
The morning after my dream, I was watching the news and heard that Adele's new album was to be released that day. Amy was a huge fan of Adele and there isn't a time that I hear Adele's voice that I don't think of Amy.  So I ordered the album. Once the music had downloaded, the first song to come on was titled "Hello". Most of you have heard the song and from what my sister, Becky, tells me, it is played way too much on the radio.  I don't listen to the radio much so this song played to my ears and heart for the first time that morning. As I listened to the words, I couldn't help but believe that I was the recipient of a spiritual gift. I am so thankful for God's timing -God is great if we only listen ! 

It's approaching one year since the loss of my sister, Amy. I've often heard people say that the first year of grief is the hardest; passing holidays, birthdays, family events all without a member of the family that has always been there. Though miles separated us and we didn't get to enjoy the company of one another during a lot of these celebrations, she was only a phone call or a text away. I can't count the number of times that I wanted to tell her something or ask her advice on something only to be reminded that I couldn't do that any longer. Or the times that I would be on the phone with my other sister, Becky, and almost included Amy in the conversation as if she was still here. It's the little things that hurt the most. We prepare ourselves the best we can to deal with her absence from Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Christmas, etc.; we can't prepare ourselves for the 'little things' that come up that violently shake our consciousness into the reality of her passing.

I know my surviving family has dealt with feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and regret that have been overwhelming. I, too, have feelings of regret. I regret that I didn't listen harder to the signs that were there; I regret that I put my 'busyness' before her; I regret that I didn't cherish her the way that she did me. I know these things now. And I believe that through loss there is gain. I believe that we are all shaped by our life experiences and in that, we become stronger. The word 'Sister' is much more meaningful to me now and I don't look at any two sisters the same. I look at them and hope that they will always be close, watch out for each other, and most importantly, never take each other for granted.  This is true for any relationship. I thank God for this.  

by Elias Amidon 

You waited until you were alone.
Death is a private thing.
You knew your last act
was to a different audience.

As it entered you --
oh how you must have danced!
curving toward God,
elegant and alone.

Dear one, what is it like?
Tell us! What is death?

Birth,
you say, your voice swathed in wings.
I am born in the endless beginning.
I am not, I am.

You start turning into us,
we who love you.
You weep in our sadness,
you laugh when we do
you great each moment fresh, when we do.

So may your gift of loving, enter our own
and be with us that way, forever.