Recently, I had a dream about Amy. I don't dream of her much and the significance isn't in the content of the dream but the timing. It is too ironic not to share.
The morning after my dream, I was watching the news and heard that Adele's new album was to be released that day. Amy was a huge fan of Adele and there isn't a time that I hear Adele's voice that I don't think of Amy.  So I ordered the album. Once the music had downloaded, the first song to come on was titled "Hello". Most of you have heard the song and from what my sister, Becky, tells me, it is played way too much on the radio.  I don't listen to the radio much so this song played to my ears and heart for the first time that morning. As I listened to the words, I couldn't help but believe that I was the recipient of a spiritual gift. I am so thankful for God's timing -God is great if we only listen ! 

It's approaching one year since the loss of my sister, Amy. I've often heard people say that the first year of grief is the hardest; passing holidays, birthdays, family events all without a member of the family that has always been there. Though miles separated us and we didn't get to enjoy the company of one another during a lot of these celebrations, she was only a phone call or a text away. I can't count the number of times that I wanted to tell her something or ask her advice on something only to be reminded that I couldn't do that any longer. Or the times that I would be on the phone with my other sister, Becky, and almost included Amy in the conversation as if she was still here. It's the little things that hurt the most. We prepare ourselves the best we can to deal with her absence from Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Christmas, etc.; we can't prepare ourselves for the 'little things' that come up that violently shake our consciousness into the reality of her passing.

I know my surviving family has dealt with feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and regret that have been overwhelming. I, too, have feelings of regret. I regret that I didn't listen harder to the signs that were there; I regret that I put my 'busyness' before her; I regret that I didn't cherish her the way that she did me. I know these things now. And I believe that through loss there is gain. I believe that we are all shaped by our life experiences and in that, we become stronger. The word 'Sister' is much more meaningful to me now and I don't look at any two sisters the same. I look at them and hope that they will always be close, watch out for each other, and most importantly, never take each other for granted.  This is true for any relationship. I thank God for this.  

by Elias Amidon 

You waited until you were alone.
Death is a private thing.
You knew your last act
was to a different audience.

As it entered you --
oh how you must have danced!
curving toward God,
elegant and alone.

Dear one, what is it like?
Tell us! What is death?

Birth,
you say, your voice swathed in wings.
I am born in the endless beginning.
I am not, I am.

You start turning into us,
we who love you.
You weep in our sadness,
you laugh when we do
you great each moment fresh, when we do.

So may your gift of loving, enter our own
and be with us that way, forever.

                                     

Unlike Connie, when I went cruisin' with Amy, I always knew what music we'd be listening to--ZZ Top.  And always at the loudest volume possible.  Of course, we would do the loop, but she would also drive past my latest crush's home-over and over and over again.  One night, she convinced me that she could help me learn to drive a stick shift.  I can still remember being at a stop sign for about 10 minutes because every time I would try to go forward, I would roll back.  Of course, we got the giggles, which made it even worse!

Amy also introduced me to Amy Grant.  We both loved to play the piano, but of course, she was way better than I was.  But, we would sit at the piano and she would play one hand and I'd play the other just for fun.  

From ZZ Top to Amy Grant, I loved all the sides of Amy.  She was fun and crazy and sweet and kind and when she laughed and people would look at us, I remember thinking that I was cool cuz she was my friend.  I really wish I could go back in time and watch Better Off Dead with her one more time, because the 20 or 30 times we watched it that one year just wasn't enough.  It's been many years since those high school days, but Amy will always have a special place in my heart.

by Linda Ellis copyright 1996

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before. 

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

Amy took one look at this photo and yelled "Oh my God, I look like a pregnant Orca!" We all laughed until we cried.  She had such a way about joking about herself....and in general.  I don't know if two people laughed harder at each other.....she used to tell me I was the funniest person on Earth.  I used to think that was so ironic!

I don't want to ever forget the "little jive" should we do upon entering a room.  Where it came from...?  Her great sense of humor and the music flowing in her body. She was eclectic about her love of music. When I got into her car, I never knew what I was going to get...Eric Clapton? Elton John? ...What I did know, was that I would like whatever it was because Amy had such an appreciation of really good music.  Loved that about her...and I get to keep that with me. There are so many songs that remind me of her.  One that just feels good because it has so many memories tied to it I will post with this story.  
Before I had my own car, most days she would pick me up from the high school in her little green tuna can as we liked to call it.  She would always have a sweet smile for me and nice words and good loud music.  It was tradition to drive up to the gas station/mini mart and she would treat me to a "coke and a snickers candy bar". Not every day, but a lot.  Then we'd drive around BC playing loud music. The music is what kept us cruising. We'd be on our way home and a song would come on and she'd say "Oh!!!...One more lap!"