ForeverMissed
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Her Life
May 30, 2016

From what my mother told us, my mother was was my grandmother's favourite daugher: she called  my mother "her little sunshine": O Sole Mio! My mother's birth was a difficult one and it was thought she was dead: there was no sign of any life. However the midwife spent some time gently massaging my mother and there was great joy when my mother started to breathe. My mother often spoke fondly of her mother who was born in Naples but, sadly, her father died when she was very young. Her mother re-married and it was decided she should be looked after by an order of nuns with two of her aunts serving as guardians.  She was looked after by the nuns until her twenties and it was during these years that she, quite understandably, acquired a very religious outlook; this informed her attitudes for the rest of her life. My mother told us how, prayers were always  said at meal times and at night and it was quite common for my mother to say the rosary with her children: this was often done when the children were naughty (my mother remembers her eldest sister kicking my mother under the table and giggling during the recitation of the rosary). The sign of the cross was made all the time, often when my grandfather was critical of the church and clergy or when he lost his temper. Today we would probably call my Italian grandmother's marriage to be an arranged marriage: her aunts suggested that it might be a wonderful idea for her to marry Antonio an unmarried but very succesful and rich business man. She did. The marriage was a great success and my mother said there was much love in their home; both were very loving hut rather strict parents. My grandmother gave issue to seven children-all girls-but only three daughers survived (Giusepina, Annunziata, Lina and my mother Anna Paolina). The children received a private education at the prestigious Contessa D'Aosta school in Naples and moved in what we would now call "polite society". During the second world war by grandfather died and my grandmother was left, struggling, to look after and feed her children. Whilst the family was very well-off and they had servants (including a coachman), my grandmother was an excellent cook. Meals times were always formal affairs; with a white table cloth, proper cutlery and glasses and this tradition continued in our family (my mother used to repremand us as children if we did not maintain these standards but was delighted when a table was well-and formally-set). Just as meals were a centre of family life for my grandmother this was also the case for Mum and was in no doubt this should also be the case for her grandchildren. Good manners were also instilled in my grandmother's children. I remember one story, told by my mother, who remembered how my grandmother reminded my mother to be on her very best behaviour during a visit to an aristoratic friend and insisted she had to wear white gloves and, if offered food, to decline at first; if food was to be taken only a little should be taken, and eaten very slowly. Another story relates to the facists who were in power in Italy from the pre-war year only. My grandfather had no time for them and refused to wear the obligatory black tie and, as a prominant industrialist, the absence of this tie started to cause problems. My mother told one story of the facists knocking on the front door which was kept closed for a few minutes whilst my grandmother shouted at  grandfather to be sensible whilst she firmly put on a black tie which she had bought ("they will take you away and we will never see you again, put on the tie, its only a tie!). My grandmother's kindness was evident during the second world war. Dad, as an army cook, had given my mother some eggs, flour etc seeing how hungry she was and my grandmother was stuck by this kindness "Invite this Englishman home". She did and my grandmother rustled up a meal from nothing. Dad loved being part of this very loving family and my grandmother often said to my mother "if you don't marry him I will" (however there were strict conditions as I tell elsewhere). My grandmother also looked after one of my father's younger brothers Uncle Reg who was also in Italy as part of the British Army and would also visit her. On his first visit to the Sapio home - and seeing my uncle so exhausted, hun gry and thin - after a meal my mother invited him to sleep in her brother: he did and slept for a day and a half! My mother was close to my mother's side of the family including my mother's brother and his daughter and children. When I was seven I visited my mother's uncle who lived in a very lovely apartment but I really did not understand who he was other than being a relation!  He was so pleased to see me and I remember he asked me what I would like to drink and I asked for a peppermint cordial which he asked his daughter to go out and buy. When drinking the peppermint drink my great uncle put his face close to mine and I asked my mother what he was doing he replied "I do not want my grand nephew to choke"). Now I can appreciate the importance of this visit-a visit to the brother of my Italian grandmother-and in clatching a glimpse of something of the warmth, love and humanity of the Sapio family.  Sapio-in English-translates as Wisdom and my mother and my Neapolitan grandmother had this in buckets. I would like to feel that her children have just a little something of this wisdom too. Our colleagues and friends will have a view on this of course but perhaps we should not ask them for their opinion! I suppose it would not be a wise thing to do.

My mother's mother (my grandmother)

May 30, 2016

From what my mother told us, my mother was was my grandmother's favourite daugher: she called  my mother "her little sunshine": O Sole Mio! My mother's birth was a difficult one and it was thought she was dead: there was no sign of any life. However the midwife spent some time gently massaging my mother and there was great joy when my mother started to breathe. My mother often spoke fondly of her mother who was born in Naples but, sadly, her father died when she was very young. Her mother re-married and it was decided she should be looked after by an order of nuns with two of her aunts serving as guardians.  She was looked after by the nuns until her twenties and it was during these years that she, quite understandably, acquired a very religious outlook; this informed her attitudes for the rest of her life. My mother told us how, prayers were always  said at meal times and at night and it was quite common for my mother to say the rosary with her children: this was often done when the children were naughty (my mother remembers her eldest sister kicking my mother under the table and giggling during the recitation of the rosary). The sign of the cross was made all the time, often when my grandfather was critical of the church and clergy or when he lost his temper. Today we would probably call my Italian grandmother's marriage to be an arranged marriage: her aunts suggested that it might be a wonderful idea for her to marry Antonio an unmarried but very succesful and rich business man. She did. The marriage was a great success and my mother said there was much love in their home; both were very loving hut rather strict parents. My grandmother gave issue to seven children-all girls-but only three daughers survived (Giusepina, Annunziata, Lina and my mother Anna Paolina). The children received a private education at the prestigious Contessa D'Aosta school in Naples and moved in what we would now call "polite society". During the second world war by grandfather died and my grandmother was left, struggling, to look after and feed her children. Whilst the family was very well-off and they had servants (including a coachman), my grandmother was an excellent cook. Meals times were always formal affairs; with a white table cloth, proper cutlery and glasses and this tradition continued in our family (my mother used to repremand us as children if we did not maintain these standards but was delighted when a table was well-and formally-set). Just as meals were a centre of family life for my grandmother this was also the case for Mum and was in no doubt this should also be the case for her grandchildren. Good manners were also instilled in my grandmother's children. I remember one story, told by my mother, who remembered how my grandmother reminded my mother to be on her very best behaviour during a visit to an aristoratic friend and insisted she had to wear white gloves and, if offered food, to decline at first; if food was to be taken only a little should be taken, and eaten very slowly. Another story relates to the facists who were in power in Italy from the pre-war year only. My grandfather had no time for them and refused to wear the obligatory black tie and, as a prominant industrialist, the absence of this tie started to cause problems. My mother told one story of the facists knocking on the front door which was kept closed for a few minutes whilst my grandmother shouted at  grandfather to be sensible whilst she firmly put on a black tie which she had bought ("they will take you away and we will never see you again, put on the tie, its only a tie!). My grandmother's kindness was evident during the second world war. Dad, as an army cook, had given my mother some eggs, flour etc seeing how hungry she was and my grandmother was stuck by this kindness "Invite this Englishman home". She did and my grandmother rustled up a meal from nothing. Dad loved being part of this very loving family and my grandmother often said to my mother "if you don't marry him I will" (however there were strict conditions as I tell elsewhere). My grandmother also looked after one of my father's younger brothers Uncle Reg who was also in Italy as part of the British Army and would also visit her. On his first visit to the Sapio home - and seeing my uncle so exhausted, hun gry and thin - after a meal my mother invited him to sleep in her brother: he did and slept for a day and a half! My mother was close to my mother's side of the family including my mother's brother and his daughter and children. When I was seven I visited my mother's uncle who lived in a very lovely apartment but I really did not understand who he was other than being a relation!  He was so pleased to see me and I remember he asked me what I would like to drink and I asked for a peppermint cordial which he asked his daughter to go out and buy. When drinking the peppermint drink my great uncle put his face close to mine and I asked my mother what he was doing he replied "I do not want my grand nephew to choke"). Now I can appreciate the importance of this visit-a visit to the brother of my Italian grandmother-and in clatching a glimpse of something of the warmth, love and humanity of the Sapio family.  Sapio-in English-translates as Wisdom and my mother and my Neapolitan grandmother had this in buckets. I would like to feel that her children have just a little something of this wisdom too. Our colleagues and friends will have a view on this of course but perhaps we should not ask them for their opinion! I suppose it would not be a wise thing to do.

MY MOTHERS WEDDING

May 30, 2016

My parents fell in love in Naples during the war years. Mum was
stunningly beautiful and Dad was rather handsome. When my father, Wilfrid, proposed marriage to my mother in 1945, he sought the permission of her mother (my Neapolitan granfather, a prominant industrialist -Antonio Sapio-had died a few years earlier).  Although my gradmother was very fond of Dad, she was very protective of my mother and wanted to be certain of the strength of my father's love for Mum. Anna- my mother- was probably my grandmother's favourite daughter: She used to call her  O sole mio (you are my sunshine) after the famous song (see the music page of this tribute site).  Nonna Sapio agreed to the marriage but with one proviso: Dad had to return to England and wait a year. If, after a year, they were both in love then the wedding could proceed.  So, for an entire year,  they kept their pledge and were only able to communicate via letter .  In 1946  Dad returned to Italy;  both confirmed their love had not only endured but had grown and Nonna granted here consent and insisted, however, that the wedding should be according to the Catholic Rites and had to be a full Nuptial Mass.  However, the wedding was not going to be so straightforward! Then (quite different today) it was difficult to have a "mixed marriage". As such, my father-as an anglican - decided to
become a catholic (difficult because his father was a devout Anglican
and a member of both the Church of England Synod and Chichester Diocesan synod). There was another hurdle! The local parish priest
refused to marry them (he did not trust the intentions of "this
Englishman").  Mum was resolute all the same and sought advice from a senior cleric of the Metropolitan Diocese of Naples who suggested that the clergy at the celebrated Basilica of Our Lady of the Rosary (Maria Rosaria)  in Pompeii were more intellectual and would very likely be open to conducting the marriage. They were. Another problem! The basilica did not have any gaps for a nuptial mass for months ahead (it was and is a very popular church for weddings) that is, with the exception of Friday October 17th (a date analogous to the English to Friday 13th). So this date was taken and on this date on Friday, October 17th, 1946 my parents were married during a Sung Latin Mass at the basilica where the children of the local orphanage sang. These were the war post war years and things were tough. The wedding dress was given by a dear friend of mum's: a sad story. (Whilst her friend married in this dress her husband was arrested by the Nazis immediately after the wedding as was never seen again.) There was no formal photography but a former soldier friend of Dad's saw Dad at the Basilica, said well dad chap and fortunately took a photo of Mum and Dad: the only photo of the wedding which we cheerish. Confetti (italian wedding sweets) were given to family and friends and the very modest wedding breakfast consisted of pasta fagioli; a simple classic dish of pasta and beans!  The day after the wedding my parents left for their new life in
England by train-taking a very short honeymoon in Rome.  When my father presented his new wife to his parents (Granny and Grandad Balmer the welcome was not  at all warm at first: my grandfather was upset that my father (his eldest son) had not only married a catholic but had become one too: "the catholics have got you" he shouted. However granny Balmer told him firmly to be quiet and welcomed my mother. The next day he visited my mother, apologised and took her on a visit to Brighton: they soon become fond of each other. (When I was born he knelt down at the side of her bed a said a prayer of thanksgiving and, with my parents, decided that John would be an excellent name for me.)  It was not difficult to like my mother-she was incredibly beautiful and charming and had a very smart dress sense. In totally this relates to what Italians call a Bella Figura. (Bella figura is not only about clothes, visual beauty and presentation; it also embraces behavior: knowing how to properly and graciously interact with others in any social or public situation. As such exhibiting good manners, tact and gentility is an essential component of “cutting a beautiful figure” : a bella figura!)My Italian grandmother who so loved her youngest daughter only saw Mum once again when Mum returned a few years latter with her first born and only daughter Maria Rosaria (named after the basilica where they were married) which brought great joy to my grandmother. Shortly afterwards my grandmother discovered she had cancer and instructed her family not to tell my mother so as to avoid her any pain. Mum, sadly, found out about her mother's
death by letter some 3 weeks after her death and she was heartbroken.  Mum subsequently visited the resting place of her mother, and father at the Sapio mausoleum in San Giorgio a Cremano. On the Silver Jubilee of their wedding they visited Naples and on their Ruby Anniversary, mum and dad renewed their wedding vows during a votive mass of Our Lady of the Rosary which was celebrated at St John the Baptist Church, Kemp Town, Brighton. Their golden anniversary was a far sober afair since Dad was in hospital with cancer. In 2004 Mum, her eldest daughter Maria and youngest son John visited the Basilica of Mario Rosaria in Pompeii where the archivest brought out the wedding register with mum and dad's signature. They also visited the family mausoluem and the former family Sapio  home (a vast villa which now comprises 6 apartments). The visit was very emotional and memorable and with my mother's death this event has become even more so.