Good Morning, Everyone!  

Now that I have this site up and going, I promise to TRY and keep everyone up-to-date on this page, as well as I can. It will be easier to keep you all current on  this page, then it will be to do so on Facebook, or personal email, texts or phone calls. The last 4 days have been some of the most difficult I've ever had to live, but at the same time, the most rewarding! By now, most of you know that Ariana Michelle made her way into the world on Friday night(9/16/11) @ 9:03PM weighing in at 3 lbs, 3 oz., and 16 inches long.  Labor for her was the EASIEST I have ever experienced, but I've been told it was more than likely due to her small size. I had been cramping and having strong contractions all morning and into the early afternoon on Friday, but played them off , for the most part, thinking they were the 'normal' Braxton-Hicks contractions. My first clue that something wasn't 'quite right' was when Michael & I were eating lunch, and I all of a sudden felt like I had peed my pants a little bit ( I know...I was embarrassed, too!), Off to Magee we went! And sure enough, this was the 'real deal', and being MY daughter, Ariana wasn't about to be patient much longer!! I watched TV, and walked the hall, and walked the hall some more...with NO pain meds!! (GO ME!! LOL) By 8:30PM Friday night, I 'knew' I was ready to start pushing. And within about 30 minutes of this, the nurse had me reach down, and I got to basically 'catch' Ariana in my hand!! It brings tears to my eyes, even now, to think back to this very moment!! No words can express the emotions I felt right then and there!! Ariana stayed with me overnight at Magee, and by Saturday afternoon~ we came to her new 'home away from home' here at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. I know I've had many 'critics' that thought that I shouldn't have any business even getting pregnant at 43, much less, going through with a pregnancy. Especially after the two other times that I tried, and it ended tragically for Marissa & Kaitlyn. I can't explain the 'drive' I have to accomplish the goal of becoming a mother. I suppose it goes back to my own childhood and early adulthood when being a mother was 'ripped' away from me selfishly. I've never been one to accept that I 'can't' do something, so I'm not sure if it's selfish of me, or not...but I would like to think that God allows me to walk this journey with a purpose in mind! Sure would be nice, at times, to know just exactly what the 'greater good' and 'purpose' is, though. lol I don't know what the next hours, days, weeks, or even months holds in store for Ariana and I, but I do know that since I have to be 'Mommy' & 'Daddy' to her right now, I am going at it with every bit of energy I can muster! Yes, I have my moments when I am alone, and cry because I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that I 'allowed' myself to be in this situation... getting pregnant, and going through a 'high-risk' pregnancy pretty much all alone, without much support from anyone~ only to now have a precious little girl who is struggling to fight for her life. I'm by no means, a 'religious' person, but I've been praying ALOT and asking God to show me the reasons He has brought us to this point, and to help carry me through.There's a plaque on the wall here in the NICU that I recite its saying DAILY: If He brought you to it, be rest-assured He WILL bring you through it! Sooooooo true!!!!!!! Ariana has dropped a full pound as of this morning, but her nurses have explained that the weight fluctuation is rather normal.  Being a parent of a 'preemie' in the past~ I had some knowledge of what to expect, what would be 'normal', etc...but I also believe that each pregnancy & birth is very different  from another.  I'm learning things that I didn't  know the last time through, and I've become a 'Preemie' junkie... reading  and/or researching all that I can so I can learn why things happen the way that they do, what to expect, etc. Yesterday, I was on the phone talking to my cousin 'back home' when I heard alarms going off......I dropped my phone, and ran like a mad crazy woman! Come to find  out that the 'alarms' are a 'normal' thing in the NICU, when the least little thing is detected!  Ariana's heart rate had dropped (bradycardia) for no 'real' reason...other than what the doctor explained was 'over-stimulation'. The least little 'change' in her surroundings can 'startle' her...whether it be a voice, touch, etc. As she gets stronger, this will improve. She has also been diagnosed with Infant Respiratory Distress Syndrome...another 'normal' issue in preemies. I do find it somewhat 'comical' that all that is 'normal' for the doctors and nurses, as they see these things everyday, is sooooo 'abnormal' for us who are the parents of these precious little ones, especially when it is OUR baby!!!  As much as things are going 'wrong' in certain aspects of my life, so much is going right, and I am focusing on that , and what a blessing God has given me. Ariana has taught me so much about patience, and gave me a whole new understanding to what I had thought 'unconditional love' was all about!! I know her Daddy hasn't been here to see her just yet, and I have tried my best to keep him informed on everything, with phone calls, pictures, etc. I know he's scared as hell, and who could blame him? Even as discouraged and as angry as he has made me over these past few months~ I certainly can't blame him for being afraid! So, I'll also take this time to 'publicly' apologize to him for being so nasty. I know it's no excuse, but I have had little to no sleep in weeks, and feel as if I have little to no moral support from the people that I should have it from.  I know that "I'm sorry' doesn't erase the pain, but please know that I am very deeply and truly sorry taking all of my worry & frustration out on you.I do love you, and I always will, and probably to a fault! But it's mostly because when I look into Ariana's beautiful eyes~ I see you, and everything that we went through to bring her to us!!! Thank you for being the reason that I have this very special blessing in my life!!!As of last night~ Ariana's treatment team had decided to try to 'wean' her from the vent, even for just a little bit at a time...claiming it's not 'good' for her to become totally dependent on the ventilator (which is a GOOD thing!). The plan is to rotate the vent to the CPAP machine every 6 hours , at 30 minute intervals. The first 'round' of this went well. Her oxygen saturation levels stayed where they needed to be. I realize that this is only one tiny step forward, along with the reality that there may be a few steps backward along the way...but hey, she's got mine & Herb's genes!!! I don't know of many redheaded Irish-German girls that are wimps!!!!!! LOL Until we meet again.....Love, Brenda & Ariana

  Hello! Tonight's entry won't be as long, as I am exhausted, and need to try and get some rest so that I can get back to the hospital in the morning. Ariana is sleeping under the 'Bili-Lights' tonight, as she is still somewhat more jaundiced than they would like to see her at this point.  Her breathing is getting stronger (which can only mean that her lungs are doing better!) I suppose this has to do with the introduction of the CPAP at various intervals throughout the day, when the vent is taken away for small periods of time.

It's our hope that by this time next week., she should be able to be 'vent-free' or darn close to it!! Her nurse said something today about talking to the team about gradually building her up to more time on the CPAP and less time on the ventilator~ but I'm just not sure how the time span for all of that is going to go. Again, I apologize for such a short entry this evening, but I am in need of a hot shower and a warm bed!! I am staying strong for Ari, out of necessity~ because I'm pretty much all she's got right now. Yes, I am scared that I'm going to get the one call that all of us 'preemie parents' dread to get in the wee hours of the morning, but I am staying as upbeat and as positive as I can.....since 'being scared' really isn't much of an option for me!  Trying even harder not to allow my heart to swell up with bitterness because of the fact that the one person that should be here with Ariana has chosen to stay away, out of this same fear.  And, I have to say~ that is one bitter pill to swallow!!!  But I will contiunue to pray for him and hope he can find the strength to be where he needs to be!Brenda & Ariana

 ~HAPPY ONE WEEK OLD TO MY PRECIOUS ANGEL!!

 Today was VERY emotional for all of us today.  We had a visit from my cousin down from NY this AM, and she was able to stay all day, and will be here for the weekend with us, as well! My sister, brother and parents are hoping to arrive sometime Saturday!  Micheal didn't want anyone to see her 'unclaimed', so he signed the paternity acknowledgement since we both feel that after a week, if her biological father truly wanted to sign those papers, he would have moved Heaven & Hell to get here to do so. I'm not going to 'bash' her father because without him, I wouldn't have this miracle little girl that is going to someday call me Momma! He has his reasons, and I need to respect them...just as I hope he will one day respect me enough to understand that I only did what I thought was in Ariana's best interests. I won't stand in his way if he wants to get to know Ari, but I also want to make certain that he will be a consistent part of her life, and not just when he feels the need to be here, etc. Granted, I was angry and upset and I said plenty of things that maybe I shouldn't have...but I sort of attribute those things to a mothering instinct...wanting to protect my child, at all costs!As of this evening, Ariana Michelle is weighing in at 4 lbs, 8 ozs. I can only hope that she continues to keep improving and achieving all the milestones that have been set in place for her! She is on a 'trial' run being off the vent totally and able to breath on her own unassisted, so that we can use the CPAP as needed, as well as the O2 nasal cannula...in order to 'teach' her how to suck, so that when she is ready to start breastfeeding (which is being pumped/bottled daily!) and bottle-feeding. I sure hope it's soon!!  She will still have to spend some time in  the 'tanning salon', as Michael so affectionately refers to the Bili-Lights due to some minor jaundice. I know we're only a week into a very long process, but I have to believe that everything is going according to God's Holy Plan!!  I've heard some parents say how I am on the 'NICU high' at the moment, and to be weary of the 'crash' that will come eventually.  I'm not so deluded that I don't think there will be 'bad' days...I am sure there will be~ just hope they are few & far between!! Until We Meet Again~Ariana's Momma

 Hello from the NICU  @ CHP! Sorry that I didn't update last night, but yesterday was a busy day for our family. Michael had convinced me to take some time away from the NICU and take a road trip back to Mercer County, so that we could get some of Ari's things, and so that maybe I would unwind and relax a bit. Well...we got on the road on Saturday afternoon, got to Mercer County to pick up the things that we needed, and just as we were sitting in Hermitage @ Applebee's eating some dinner....Michael got a call from the nursing supervisor at the NICU. Little Ari's O2 saturations were going way down, she had another cardiac 'event' as they call it here, and the decision was made to put her back in the ventilator.  

She has been scheduled for surgery in the AM with the pediatric cardiac surgeon here @ CHP. The team has explained that Patent Ductus Arteriosis aka PDA is rather 'normal' for preemie babies, due to the fact that the cardiac valve that SHOULD close by the time the child is born at 38-40 weeks....but being that Ariana was born 10 weeks early, this didn't happen with her. They give medications to aid in the closure of this, but have explained that generally, if after 7-10 days of this medication and there is NO closure and/or improvement...surgery is the only option. Yes, I am once again, scared...but I have been told that this is a normal, 'everyday' simple procedure for these surgeons. Just not 'normal, and everyday' for MY sweet angel!!! Having a really nice time visiting with my family, though. Never realized how much I missed them!!  Ariana is getting soooooo spoiled by her Papa & Nana!! Nana is an RN back home, so as you can imagine, she has taken 'charge' of all the nurses in the NICU!!!  Michael is spending the afternoon with his other daughter, Kala... My parents are here in the NICU with me & Ariana, and my sister and brother went to NY to bring Ariana's Great-Nana down so that she is here with the rest of us for Ari's surgery in the morning. I think I may TRY to squeeze in  a little nap for myself, if possible...but highly doubtful! LOL Thanks again for all the love, prayers and support you have given us through these past several days.  It's just a short walk into our long journey to getting Ariana home with us, but knowing that she is loved by so many really does make all the difference!!!Brenda & Ariana Michelle

 As a child I loved amusement parks. There was nothing like the feeling of being a kid so carefree at the carnival. I would ride all the rides except the roller coaster. I never liked them! My dad would beg me to ride the roller coaster with him, and I would get a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I kinda grew out of that phase, and now enjoy a good coaster from time to time. But, I NEVER put my hands up. I always hold on the the railing so tight that my fingers turn white. The big hills don't scare me, but I do hold my breath when I go down them to keep me from screaming. On a good day this tactic works, on a bad one - you will have to ask Michael (really loudly because he is going deaf in one year due to my screaming). 

That being said, life in the NICUhas been compared to a roller coaster. There are so many ups and downs, and changes from day to day. I guess you could say I am on the roller coaster - with my hands gripping on the rails and my hands turning white. Today was definitely a DOWN DAY! Our roller coaster hit another big hill, and I found myself holding tight on the way down. Ariana had her PDA surgery today. She is in a drug-induced coma, so that the incision can begin to heal without her moving around, pulling at the sutures,etc. I HATE not being able to help her. Feeling soooo helpless today! There's nothing worse than having my child lay here and know they are in pain and I can't do anything about it!!! Something might be wrong with her bowels, or this might be a sign that she has come down with bacteria in her tummy. I was told that she is too unstable to even move today. There will be no CAT scans, no transport, no anything until Ariana  is a little more stable. I am worried about her little tummy.  We will know more in the coming days, but for now we are heading downwards on this roller coaster with our hands held tight. Deep down I know everything will be okay and I am working really hard to stay strong and be an advocate for my little Angel.Over the past couple of days,she has had several xrays, a spinal tap (Lumbar puncture), a belly ultrasound, and her oxygen levels were all over the place. She looks very tired...and that is hard to watch. The good news is that everyone at CHP is working really hard to find all of Ariana's problems. I know she is in good hands, and I am learning that I can't live or die by the monitors in her room. I held her hand today and said, "everything will be okay".