I want to share my experience with Ashley’s passing in the hopes that its will be a blessing to anyone who experiences the passing of a loved one or any form of loss in their lives. I have truly found that the grace of God is so real and relevant to living an empowered life. I pray that all who read my testimony will receive it as a means to believe in the love and the supernatural power of God. There are so many stories in the Bible from Genesis to Revelation that speaks about God, His Kingdom and His creations that is and that is to come. We are more connected to heaven than we realize.
When Ashley first died I thought I wouldn’t make it. Just the mere thought of it was unbearable. It just didn’t seem real and it still doesn’t at times even now. I would wake up in the morning thinking, oh God I just know this is a terrible dream and somehow I am going to wake up and Ashley is going to walk through our bedroom door just like she always had done in the past. It was 10:30 at night. Nathan and I had just talked with her on the phone. We talked and laughed about some things, I told her I loved her, threw some kisses at her and we both hung up. Once she hung up with me, she then called her father. They talked and laughed as well. Nathan and I went to bed expecting Ashley to come in shortly, but then the unthinkable happened. The dreaded knock at the door at 4:00AM in the morning would change our lives forever..... I remember going to the emergency room to get tranquilizers, thinking that taking them would make what had happen go away. Imagine that! I was just in an unreal zone. I was numb.
Two weeks later, I remember driving up route 228 on my way from Waldorf and crying out to the Lord asking how in the world I was going make it through this. When all of a sudden I heard Ashley’s voice so clearly say, “I AM HAPPY MOMMY!” Oh my goodness! Such an overwhelming experience of joy flooded my whole being. I broke out into laughter and said, "I know baby, and I know you are happy!" Because, I knew it was true. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. That’s what God kept repeating to me in my spirit when she first died. I began imagining Ashley having the time of her life in Heaven hanging out with Jesus, her grandfather Ernest, aunt Betty, cousins Sheila, Lisa, my brother Elsey, Beverly, Shanta', Bishop Hawkins, and so many others who had gone home before her.
I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Ashley was now experiencing the highest existence of life that God has promised us, His children. That everything Ashley was searching for in this life she now has and more. Her search for acceptance and love is finally being fulfilled. She could now be her true self, but in the highest form ever, which is total Spirit. Wow! She is now the Ashley that God created her to be -- full of love for her family and friends that was so real and true. Though she didn’t understand it many times, she experienced such longsuffering because of her love for others, which caused her to overcome many struggles. Ashley was so full of life and would spread that gorgeous smile out on you when she talked. I can just see her now talking to Jesus!
Oh my goodness could she talk! Well, no one will tell her she talks too much anymore. Jesus loves every word she is expressing to Him. Ashley had dreams she never got to fulfill here. However, everything she ever desired is now being fulfilled in her life in Heaven. Her life is complete here on Earth and now she has eternal life in Heaven. Life means she is still living! The things she desired down here, like a new car, now she can transcend to whatever place she wants to go. She wanted her own place, she's got a mansion. She desired greater friendships and now she is hanging out with Jesus and all of the heavenly host. Ashley is experiencing the ultimate success in life story and probably can't wait until we get there also to show us around!
Please know that I am not trying to mislead anyone into thinking that Ashley's death is okay with me and I am glad she is in Heaven. I miss Ashley so much and sometimes I get so overwhelmed about her that I just cry. But my crying doesn’t last long because I know God told me she is with Him and that I should praise Him for that. And I do! Yes my life feels different now, but I trust God and know that everything that He does and allows is for our good and His glory. Just thinking about it gives me a peace that is so surreal. I experience it on many occasions when thinking of Ashley being with Jesus. However, although I experience this peace, I know that I am at a vulnerable place where the devil can attack my mind with oppressive thoughts, despair and depression. So I keep my mind covered with the word of God and the truth that God loves me and my family, that He has not left us and that it is very important that we stay in faith with God. My faith in what God has allowed to happen has to be channeled through my knowing Him as a loving God and that our lives are not our own. Though my heart has been broken, God is healing and restoring me and my family every day. So I trust God completely with my whole heart in spite of what has happened. God is my only source of strength and so I worship and praise Him every time I think of my baby. It’s a must!
Knowing God and having a personal relationship with Him is vital in bouncing back. Six months prior to Ashley’s passing, I had been meditating on a teaching by Pastor Cynthia called Pressing into the Kingdom of God and Getting Your Fight Back and decided to listen to it again along with a teaching by Pastor Tony called Living in the Supernatural (Normal Christianity). I began listening to those messages every day repeatedly and they really helped me get focused. I knew I was in for the fight of my life and would be under serious attack of the enemy. The words that stood out for me the most were, Press, Restore, Get your fight back and that Heaven is real. I am so blessed to have Pastors that are advanced in the revelation and knowledge of God and His kingdom. I do want to acknowledge the awesome love and support our Pastors showered on us. They showed us what God means when He says He will bless exceedingly and abundantly above all that you ask, think or can imagine. They and our church family treated us like Ashley was their daughter and sister too. I cannot leave out my immediate family. You know I love and appreciate you!
You know when I think about it, I never gave a lot of thought about death or what happened to people when they die before Ashley’s death. My brother Elsey died over 9 years ago, but when the thought of him would enter my mind I would just block it out so that I would not feel sorrow or grief. But for this to happen to Ashley there was no blocking it out. This was a reality that demanded all hands on deck. If ever I needed the Lord, I needed Him NOW. I never want to be in denial. I want truth, so I searched my heart and went into prayer with God. I asked God to open up my spiritual ears, eyes, and my heart so that I could understand where He now had me and, how to live from this new place of existence. I asked myself, do you love God? Do you believe that He has you? Would He allow this to happen and leave me and my family hurting and not make himself available to us? The answer was that God loves Ashley and her family and it was imperative that we trusted God, really trust God with all of our heart. Proverbs 3 truly became incredibly real to us. We knew that it would take incredible courage and strength to fight with faith.
You see, the Lord told me in my spirit to not dwell on the accident, on the whys, the how and the what ifs. He said it would only bring me ungodly sorrow and grief. He told me that Ashley was not back there at the accident. He said “Ashley was not coming back. She had seen His Glory. Ashley was now with Him in His Kingdom, which is deep in my heart. He brought to my remembrance that when I accepted Him into my heart, He and the Father came to live there and I in them. Jesus also said “You love me and you have never seen me. You must now learn to love and experience Ashley the same way you do with me, in your heart.” God never intended for us to just experience our loved ones from the outside where we can touch and feel. That’s why we have a heart. It is from there that we love and experience people the most. Think about it, we love Jesus from our hearts and have powerful experiences with Him and don’t even cry about the fact that He is not here in the flesh.
The Lord told me that it would be different and difficult to do at first, but that I need only to trust Him and in time it would become easy. That when Ashley died she woke up in heaven with Him, that she was alright. She is now complete. I wasn’t, and have never been in denial about what happened to Ashley, but again, God would not let me dwell on the accident. He said “I rescued Ashley. I rescued her from the evil days ahead” (Isaiah 57:1-2). It was her time to come home. And today looking back over the past year of 2011 and her last days here, I now see the preparation. She was ready.
